Emotional Masochist
Aug 7, 2011, 12:52 AM
So in my previous posts(http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=11619) i described my event with my best friend and how confused and troubled i was by it. I still dont know if i am over it, but well I had a talk with him last night. I was over at his place again. Yes i know it sounds stupid for me to keep going to see him, but he is my best friend. He proved this fact last night. I love the stupid douche. heheh We talked... We finally talked. It was amazing. Well not at first , but he finally listened. Finally opened up about it. All it took was be breaking out in tears. I know i am rambling so let me stop and start from the begining.
I went to see him early in the day hoping to be able to just spend a little time with him before i went to work. I get there and one of my other friends is there so we jus have a couple beers and play some video games. So i go to work grab some booze and head back to see them and well a bunch of my other friends are there. We drink our selves to quite a frenzy and these guys leave and his girlfriend heads off to bed. So me and him start drnking more and start laying caps (great drinking game by the way) and well we start talking about stuff. His ex-girlfriend, our old friends, our old relationships and eventually about my taste in men. He started off telling me that i had unrealistic expectations and listing of things that i would love in my ideal man... hehehe he basically described himself to a tee and when i told him that he laughed his ass off was a great moment. So we kept talking and i realised i dont want him in that way i just want him there for me. I need him to believe me. I need him to understand me and be there for me. I know it sounds stupid. Just he has been a huge part of my life and it kills me to have him act this way. I am going off topic here... Well any ways all of this was beautiful. we were actually talking like we used to. Being total dumb asses and it was great. And then i had to ask. Why was it so hard for him to believe me? Why couldn't he just let me be? Why was he always throwing his disbelief of my sexuality in my face? Why did it bother him so much? Why the fuck would he kiss me? How could he do that and expect me to be normal? He was trying to defend it. like it didn't matter. That nothing happened. He looked me in the eye and asked me why couldn't it be like it was before. Why did things have to change? I looked him in the eye and i snapped. It was ridiculous here was the boy i shared my only male experience with and he was outright denying the importance of it and its existence. It was ridiculous. He said he was sorry he didn't know why he kissed me maybe he was somewhat gay but he didn't know.. And i told him i don't give a fuck. I don't care what you are. Its not important. You kissed me and it felt good. I enjoyed it. That's why we can't go back to normal. That's why i can't pretend it didn't happen because it was good. And this is where i started to cry...I told him that i couldn't handle him being like this. It wasn't the kiss. I can get over that. It was the outright denial of who i was. It was him being a dickwad when everything i had to defend my sexuality was from him. All my expereince involved him. And this is where he proved my decision in friends right. He apologised. He was truly sorry. He didn't know it hurt me so much. He couldn't believe that this was tearing us apart and he kind of half teared up (it was adorable). SO i teased him. Hehehe We had a proper conversation then. It was funny cause i had decided that day that i was going to keep my personal life away from him. That we were going to be friends, but that i wasn't going to bring my relationships or anything near him. That completely changed. I told him everything about how i lost my girlfriend and he became the guy he always was. He was sweet patient and just listened. He didn't judge or criticise like he had been doing for a while. He actually waited listened and gave me support. Though he is back on his mission to get me laid. The one part of being single that kills me ehheeh. HE was honest and there. It was weird. I don't think he understood how much this was bothering me. He got that this was why i was avoiding him, but he didn't get why it was such a big deal. when i broke down and started to cry all of that changed. He stopped being defensive. stopped making excuses. Stopped trying to ignore the issue and finally listened to me. It was amazing. I don't know. I have been super happy since that moment.
I just wanted to share me little moment wiht allof you cause you guys were so supportive. Thank you. Though me has to say... he wasn't happy when me told him i posted about our situation.:rolleyes: but that's his issue. ehehhehe honestly i don't know what's going on with him and his head, but right now i am just happy to have my friend back in my life. It would have killed me to completely cut him out.
I went to see him early in the day hoping to be able to just spend a little time with him before i went to work. I get there and one of my other friends is there so we jus have a couple beers and play some video games. So i go to work grab some booze and head back to see them and well a bunch of my other friends are there. We drink our selves to quite a frenzy and these guys leave and his girlfriend heads off to bed. So me and him start drnking more and start laying caps (great drinking game by the way) and well we start talking about stuff. His ex-girlfriend, our old friends, our old relationships and eventually about my taste in men. He started off telling me that i had unrealistic expectations and listing of things that i would love in my ideal man... hehehe he basically described himself to a tee and when i told him that he laughed his ass off was a great moment. So we kept talking and i realised i dont want him in that way i just want him there for me. I need him to believe me. I need him to understand me and be there for me. I know it sounds stupid. Just he has been a huge part of my life and it kills me to have him act this way. I am going off topic here... Well any ways all of this was beautiful. we were actually talking like we used to. Being total dumb asses and it was great. And then i had to ask. Why was it so hard for him to believe me? Why couldn't he just let me be? Why was he always throwing his disbelief of my sexuality in my face? Why did it bother him so much? Why the fuck would he kiss me? How could he do that and expect me to be normal? He was trying to defend it. like it didn't matter. That nothing happened. He looked me in the eye and asked me why couldn't it be like it was before. Why did things have to change? I looked him in the eye and i snapped. It was ridiculous here was the boy i shared my only male experience with and he was outright denying the importance of it and its existence. It was ridiculous. He said he was sorry he didn't know why he kissed me maybe he was somewhat gay but he didn't know.. And i told him i don't give a fuck. I don't care what you are. Its not important. You kissed me and it felt good. I enjoyed it. That's why we can't go back to normal. That's why i can't pretend it didn't happen because it was good. And this is where i started to cry...I told him that i couldn't handle him being like this. It wasn't the kiss. I can get over that. It was the outright denial of who i was. It was him being a dickwad when everything i had to defend my sexuality was from him. All my expereince involved him. And this is where he proved my decision in friends right. He apologised. He was truly sorry. He didn't know it hurt me so much. He couldn't believe that this was tearing us apart and he kind of half teared up (it was adorable). SO i teased him. Hehehe We had a proper conversation then. It was funny cause i had decided that day that i was going to keep my personal life away from him. That we were going to be friends, but that i wasn't going to bring my relationships or anything near him. That completely changed. I told him everything about how i lost my girlfriend and he became the guy he always was. He was sweet patient and just listened. He didn't judge or criticise like he had been doing for a while. He actually waited listened and gave me support. Though he is back on his mission to get me laid. The one part of being single that kills me ehheeh. HE was honest and there. It was weird. I don't think he understood how much this was bothering me. He got that this was why i was avoiding him, but he didn't get why it was such a big deal. when i broke down and started to cry all of that changed. He stopped being defensive. stopped making excuses. Stopped trying to ignore the issue and finally listened to me. It was amazing. I don't know. I have been super happy since that moment.
I just wanted to share me little moment wiht allof you cause you guys were so supportive. Thank you. Though me has to say... he wasn't happy when me told him i posted about our situation.:rolleyes: but that's his issue. ehehhehe honestly i don't know what's going on with him and his head, but right now i am just happy to have my friend back in my life. It would have killed me to completely cut him out.