Confused. Lost. Help please.

[giventofly11]

I have come to the realization, after a dream last night and lots of exploring on the web, that I may be bisexual. I am scared, ashamed, confused, lost, and horribly depressed. I'm in denial, yet something about telling myself that I'm bi gives me relief for the feelings I've had towards girls.

My brother came out to my family and I almost 2 years ago now that he was gay and I couldn't even look at him. He told me through a text message and I still remember my heart dropping to the floor as he told me that he didn't want to hide anymore. I was angry, so angry at him for making this "choice" and I thought that he was a terrible person for calling himself a Christian because I had always told myself that "the Bible clearly states that homosexuality is wrong."

It took two years for me to let go of this anger and resentment, and eventually led me to research and talk to my pastor about the Bible and homosexuality. I found the answers to be astonishing - nowhere in the Bible does it condemn loving, same-sex relationships. I found this to be so liberating that I did an argumentative essay on the topic. If anyone would like to read it, I would be more than happy to share it.

I found it in me to accept that God does not condemn LGBTQ folks, yet that somehow excluded me. Why would he ever love me, a hopeless sinner who has an addiction to pornography, cuts herself to feel alive, was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts, and struggles with the will to live every day and on top of EVERYTHING... is now questioning her sexuality?

I need help. I need answers. I need encouragement. I need hope. :banghead:

[Realist]

We each have roads to travel, that may not be as smooth as we'd like.

Accepting ourselves is often one of the hardest things we have to do. The younger you are, when you get these issues resolved, but smoother the rest of your life will be.

Family morals, peer pressure, religious training, etc, etc, all influence us. (Some are influenced more than others) It took me years to understand who I really was and to accept myself.

Actually, I think you are lucky to be aware of your feelings and appear to be honest with yourself about it. As an obviously intelligent person and, being aware that you may be different, gives you a good basis for dealing with how to conduct your life in the future.

I went through periods of time when I was in denial and lied to myself and others, about being drawn to both genders. After some soul searching and changing my way of dealing with confusing personal issues, I began being truthful to myself and potential significant others. Finally, I am at peace with myself. I'm lucky to have the love of a remarkable lady, who is also bisexual, and no longer feel the need to lie to myself about who I am, or what my hopes and dreams are.

We must all seek our own paths in this life and I hope you will do that while you're young. I have faith that you will..

Good luck and I hope you have a happy, fruitful, life ahead.

[Gearbox]

If you look back you might realise that the anger and resentment that you felt for your brother was fuelled by your own fears of your sexuality?
It's not unusual at all for us to try and suppress emotions/desires that we are taught to be 'Wrong'. Not just by Christianity etc, but by the society we live in.
It can be very scary to find out that YOU are not like everybody else!
Truth is though, that you are never really alone in any aspect of you.:)

Sadly, many people battle within themselves far too commonly. 'Self acceptance' is a victory against many foes. The fiercest and most powerful foe being ourselves.
It's not surprising that you went to great lengths researching and writing an essay about how gay Christians are not to be judged, when at the same time you condemn yourself.:(
Your not exempt from compassion nor acceptance! God can't give you that when you deny it for yourself!

Please chat with your brother about your feelings. He'll understand!Give him the whole truth and release the burdens.
Or if that's too hard, speak to a councillor.
Please don't suffer!:)

[giventofly11]

Thank you both. It means a lot to me that people are supportive. I just don't know if all of this is real, you know? I was going to talk to my brother about it today, but we didn't have time and I realized how scared I was and how uncomfortable it was going to be for the both of us.

I know I'm not going to get much, if not any, acceptance from my friends. My two friends who I hang out with the most are very condemning of my religious views and my views on homosexuality. I don't think they could ever accept me for who I am and I am someone who bases her worth on relationships in life, rather than on self-worth.

How exactly do you know of your sexuality? I'm still questioning whether or not I am bi. I know it's different for everyone but I just wanted to get some opinions on how people were certain of their sexuality.

Another problem of speaking to my counselor is that she is a Christian counselor. However, I think she'd rather me tell her than to keep hurting myself over it. I'm not sure if she's the right counselor for me because she sure can't tell when I'm lying or when I have my "everything's okay" mask on.

I feel like I'm going to have to wear that mask all the time now because of my realization of my sexuality.

[djones]

I just want you to know that you are completely normal. Bi, gay, straight, tall, short, fat, thin, old, young, rich, poor, black, white, red, brown, yellow . . . no matter what, you are completely normal. If you do no harm to others, treat people with respect and dignity, you are normal. A loving god would tell you the same thing.

[giventofly11]

I just want you to know that you are completely normal. Bi, gay, straight, tall, short, fat, thin, old, young, rich, poor, black, white, red, brown, yellow . . . no matter what, you are completely normal. If you do no harm to others, treat people with respect and dignity, you are normal. A loving god would tell you the same thing.

Thank you, djones. I have a hard time accepting that at the moment, however. Especially when I have issues with my body already and now my sexuality... It's kind of hard to think of myself as "normal" when all of my other friends are straight.

[djones]

Thank you, djones. I have a hard time accepting that at the moment, however. Especially when I have issues with my body already and now my sexuality... It's kind of hard to think of myself as "normal" when all of my other friends are straight.

If they are your friends - real friends - then they wil accept you as normal. If they don't, were they ever really your friend ? Judge not lest ye be judged; or, let him who is without sin cast the first stone; or, do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

It is difficult at a young age not to have a supportive group of peers, this is true. However, it is also true that this time in your young life will be a very short lived period. Focus on who you are today, and where you want to be tomorrow.

There is a much larger world outside and there is a place for you in it.

[giventofly11]

If they are your friends - real friends - then they wil accept you as normal. If they don't, were they ever really your friend ? Judge not lest ye be judged; or, let him who is without sin cast the first stone; or, do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

It is difficult at a young age not to have a supportive group of peers, this is true. However, it is also true that this time in your young life will be a very short lived period. Focus on who you are today, and where you want to be tomorrow.

There is a much larger world outside and there is a place for you in it.

I can count on one hand the friends I would even consider friends at this point and I can count on two fingers the friends that would ever accept me for who I am. It does make me angry because I'm sure they are going to tell me that I'm going to hell and that God will never forgive me of my sin and that I will not inherit the kingdom of heaven but... who the hell are they to judge me?

I want to be in a relationship with a woman. I want to be in a relationship with a man! It just seems like nobody is even at all interested in me and I don't know where to find others that might accept me - the whole me.

[dbltrbl69]

Who dictates to society that our sexual appetites and desires are wrong?the church... Believe what gives you comfort but free your mind and your ass will follow. Have given up on "sexual guilt". "God is a concept by which we measure our pain"- John Lennon. Life is about Karma... You get what you give... Has nothing to do with God and sex.

[falcondfw]

giventofly,
I am not sure others picked up on it, but I sure did. I am not very worried at all about the bi issues right now. I am far more worried about the cutting. You said you see a Christian Counselor. Does she specialize in cutting? self-mutilation? bipolar disorder? If not, find another counselor who does. Cutting is very serious. I have a dear friend in Florida who is a fantastic woman. Unfortunately, she does not think so. Combine no self-confidence with bipolar and a few other things and she cuts.
Please, please, find some SERIOUS help for the cutting. It only takes one slip to make it permanent.

[tenni]

Based on what I read about your thoughts, I think that you need to come to peace within yourself. Perhaps, learning to be happy or accepting of yourself. If you believe that your counsellor is not helpful, you may need to seek one who is not so "Christian" centred. However, don't be surprised if your counsellor will not condemn you for your sexuality.

Without knowing exactly how your brother feels towards you now, I would also suggest that you reach out to him...cautiously.

Your are not normal in the sense of people who surround you presently. You are not exactly like them. It doesn't matter that you are not exactly like them either. If you are at peace with yourself and confident with yourself it will not matter. You will see the people around you as insignificant but be cautious to examine what they are saying. Seek out people who have commonality with you.

Those two people who you believe will accept you are the two people to discuss matters with. If you believe that you can trust their judgement pay attention to their views. You don't need a thousand people as friends. You may just need these two genuine friends.

[Long Duck Dong]

it is not for man to judge, for that is only for the lord god to do, as he alone knows the truth of a mans heart......

I am a ex christian and I found more judgement amongst my christian peers, than anywhere else in the world.... yet they are a people that preach about the love and forgiveness of god and how we are all gods children, and then tell us how god doesn't want us unless we are squeaky clean, married with a mortgage and 2.4 children lol then you have the rest of the world judging you cos you are a cutter, you deal with suicidal issues, you watch porn etc..... and they have no idea either, they want you to be miss perfect with no faults.....

you, are you, and you are unique, not twisted, not warped, not dysfunctional.... just you...... and the way you feel and think is not wrong, its right for you......

many cutters do it cos they want to feel, they need to feel, they are tired of trying to feel something.... and it becomes a addiction to the pain and the sensation... cos you are feeling something so strong, so deep inside......

suicidal people are generally tired, exhausted, walking the path of life wears people down until it becomes like getting up at 5 am every morning for a 14 hour down with the head cold from hell and insomnia at night.....

a good counselor will not tell you how to live, but how to cope with the way you live, it makes it easier to accept yourself and not feel so guilty or like you come from another world........ and I know that cos I had a permanent form of depression, so I have walked down the same roads you have and helped many people in our positions to understand its ok to be imperfect, so do not judge us, learn from us...... we are people too

it is possible that your path as a bisexual will ease the cutting as you find that there is a new kind of feeling, a new kind of sensation.... that of the world of two people holding you close and opening up your eyes to new things..... and yes it can be hard to find the right people that will not see you as a dysfunctional person, but a person that has different ways of expression.....but in the long run its worth it......

there is no such thing as normal in this world, my dear, only conforming to what other people want, so they have less of a reason to see issues in your life.......

[SxyStar]

I have to agree with, Long Duck Dong. I use to be a cutter myself, for many reasons, and I know what it feels like to be judged. I was judged by everyone, still am, by my own family. My friends and husband accept me for who I am.
I realized I was bi sexual at a really young age, and when I told my friends they were all accepting. Some of them even came out of the closet then 2, which was great.

Part of my family are really into religion and homosexuality not being accepted was one thing that was pushed into me. That was until I did my own research too like u did. God, created all of us different. No one is alike. I love who I am, and that he made me unigue.
I also battle with being Bi Polar and anxiety disorder. I understand the depression.

U might be different, but I would embrass ur individuality not be ashamed of it.

[elian]

giventofly11, if you feel frustration or self-loathing remember that you are a human being, worthy of just as much love and respect as any other part of creation.

There are so many hurting people in world today, and bisexuals have the capacity to love both - that is a blessing, not a curse..although at times it may not seem that way. God doesn't make mistakes - where you are right now in your life is exactly where you are supposed to be. The universe does not waste a single drop of energy, even in suffering there is something to be gained, although it may be hard to see right now.

Society in general may not understand it but there is always someone, somewhere, who loves you, please do not hurt yourself unjustly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SeLDsBPSzYg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILCdwJj37iw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VSyuar6oF8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9pu_tg9RAY

[giventofly11]

giventofly,
I am not sure others picked up on it, but I sure did. I am not very worried at all about the bi issues right now. I am far more worried about the cutting. You said you see a Christian Counselor. Does she specialize in cutting? self-mutilation? bipolar disorder? If not, find another counselor who does. Cutting is very serious. I have a dear friend in Florida who is a fantastic woman. Unfortunately, she does not think so. Combine no self-confidence with bipolar and a few other things and she cuts.
Please, please, find some SERIOUS help for the cutting. It only takes one slip to make it permanent.

She doesn't specialize in cutting but we have talked about it before. But it seems like she's just dropped the whole idea of it - she probably thinks I've stopped. I have to laugh at that because I have a whole slew of scars to prove her wrong.

I am being treated for bipolar II disorder, but my diagnosis is major depression disorder. I'm only being treated for bipolar II because of the meds I'm taking. Which, don't get me started on meds. They make me want to kill myself because I can't "feel better" without taking them. Also, if I'm ever in a "down" mood, my mom asks me straight away, "Have you taken your meds?!" It's like wow, mom. Your daughter might be dealing with some deeper issues rather than taking her damn meds.

I don't want to stop cutting and I realize I can kill myself with one slip, but right now, I don't care... :(

[giventofly11]

it is not for man to judge, for that is only for the lord god to do, as he alone knows the truth of a mans heart......

I am a ex christian and I found more judgement amongst my christian peers, than anywhere else in the world.... yet they are a people that preach about the love and forgiveness of god and how we are all gods children, and then tell us how god doesn't want us unless we are squeaky clean, married with a mortgage and 2.4 children lol then you have the rest of the world judging you cos you are a cutter, you deal with suicidal issues, you watch porn etc..... and they have no idea either, they want you to be miss perfect with no faults.....

you, are you, and you are unique, not twisted, not warped, not dysfunctional.... just you...... and the way you feel and think is not wrong, its right for you......

many cutters do it cos they want to feel, they need to feel, they are tired of trying to feel something.... and it becomes a addiction to the pain and the sensation... cos you are feeling something so strong, so deep inside......

suicidal people are generally tired, exhausted, walking the path of life wears people down until it becomes like getting up at 5 am every morning for a 14 hour down with the head cold from hell and insomnia at night.....

a good counselor will not tell you how to live, but how to cope with the way you live, it makes it easier to accept yourself and not feel so guilty or like you come from another world........ and I know that cos I had a permanent form of depression, so I have walked down the same roads you have and helped many people in our positions to understand its ok to be imperfect, so do not judge us, learn from us...... we are people too

it is possible that your path as a bisexual will ease the cutting as you find that there is a new kind of feeling, a new kind of sensation.... that of the world of two people holding you close and opening up your eyes to new things..... and yes it can be hard to find the right people that will not see you as a dysfunctional person, but a person that has different ways of expression.....but in the long run its worth it......

there is no such thing as normal in this world, my dear, only conforming to what other people want, so they have less of a reason to see issues in your life.......

Thank you, Duck Dong, I found your post to be very comforting. I seriously thought of giving up on God completely because I read the stories of ex-Christians and related with each and every one of them. However, I told my "best friend" that I was giving up on God and she said she would never look at me the same if I didn't have God in my life. So basically, I was guilt-tripped into believing again. And right now, I'm angry as hell at God. So I definitely know where you're coming from as an ex-Christian.

Yeah, depression is like being in a cage for all to see and criticize. I feel like a dead man walking every day - I don't want to be alive. I stay up in the wee hours of the night just contemplating whether I want to go to sleep for fear that I don't want to get up in the morning. I really, really appreciate your empathy because that is the most important thing to me - that people can actually sit down and put on my shoes and walk for a while in them.

All I want is to be held by a man or a woman that makes me feel loved. All I want is to be loved, nothing more. And I'm sure as hell not feeling that love from God right now.

[elian]

You may feel confused, you have a right to be angry, or sad but you are loved by the divine and others just as you are - you don't have to BE one way OR the other - you can just be - and you are loved and valued just the way you are.

http://www.perceivingreality.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1mFRUGDY8Ao

[falcondfw]

She doesn't specialize in cutting but we have talked about it before. But it seems like she's just dropped the whole idea of it - she probably thinks I've stopped. I have to laugh at that because I have a whole slew of scars to prove her wrong.

I am being treated for bipolar II disorder, but my diagnosis is major depression disorder. I'm only being treated for bipolar II because of the meds I'm taking. Which, don't get me started on meds. They make me want to kill myself because I can't "feel better" without taking them. Also, if I'm ever in a "down" mood, my mom asks me straight away, "Have you taken your meds?!" It's like wow, mom. Your daughter might be dealing with some deeper issues rather than taking her damn meds.

I don't want to stop cutting and I realize I can kill myself with one slip, but right now, I don't care... :(

Giventofly,
Even if you don't care, I do. I think the rest of the people on here feel the same way.

I am bipolar myself. I have never cut, but I have attempted suicide several times when I was a teenager and in my early 20's.

As for your counselor, I am concerned that she doesn't seen to think the cutting is an important issue. Yes, it is important to get to the true cause of it, but it is also important that she teach you other ways to deal with it. Better ways.

My friend had several bad experiences with men as a teen. As a result, and for other reasons, she declared herself lesbian. She met a woman, they fell in love, moved in together, eventually got married. She thought she was happy, but she still cut. She still attempted suicide, even while in this loving relationship.

Earlier this year, she and "her wife", broke up. She moved out. Went to a karaoke bar one night. Had one too many drinks and ended up going home with a guy. The next day, she was kicking herself for all the time she had denied herself being with men.

Eventually, she met a really great guy. They are now dating seriously. She has not cut since she met him. She was raised very strict catholic and she is of Latin descent, so family is extremely important. She had VERY limited support (only one of her sisters supported her. Her mom did not. Her dad did not.) and the religious upbringing when she was declared as lesbian. It conflicted her a lot inside, I think.

Now that she is happy with her life, things have gone much smoother. She is still on her bipolar, adhd, anti-anxiety meds. Well, more accurately, she and her counselor are trying to get her meds in proper balance. And she has rough periods. But for the first time since i have known her (6 years), things seem to be truly looking up for her.

I am not sure why she cut and I hope she never does again. She tried to explain it to me, but I just couldn't wrap my brainstem around it, because it is not something I would consider doing. I have no real frame of reference. But I suspect that cutting is an individual thing anyway and that the reasons you do it are probably different from hers.

Yes, I think it is very important that you and a counselor get to the bottom of why you do it. But I also think it is vital that until the two of you get to the bottom of things, she teaches you other ways to deal with it.

And yes, I know I don't know you. But I really do care. Every individual is special and unique and they all contribute to the fabric of life in their own way. Any life cut short too early is a great loss to all of us.

[elian]

<hugs> ?? For all that I have, and who I have become, all I have ever really wanted in this world is to love and be loved - I have felt that feeling before.

My depression was situational. I cried out to God, "How could you make me this way?!". The answers I got - silence, "I had to so you would understand" to simply "I'm sorry".

In the darkest times of my life, when I felt I COULDN"T tell my friends or parents about my sexual attraction it was the power of dreams, the power of being hugged by pure love, and the spiritual voice of a loving parent saying that he already lost one son and didn't want to lose another that kept me going.

These aren't just pretty words, there were so many times I was in pain, suffering that I felt at the time no one should have to go through.

Divine love is the reason I am here today to write this, now - 10 years later I can see that God gave me the gift of an open mind - it was a painful gift, but a gift nonetheless - when I speak out against addiction, hatred, anger, bitterness, cruelty, self-loathing - I speak from the heart.. human beings are capable of all of those things, anyone can beat someone senseless with a big stick, but that is not true power. Our true power comes from being able to learn the wisdom to exercise discipline, patience, love and compassion.

[giventofly11]

Giventofly,
Even if you don't care, I do. I think the rest of the people on here feel the same way.

I am bipolar myself. I have never cut, but I have attempted suicide several times when I was a teenager and in my early 20's.

As for your counselor, I am concerned that she doesn't seen to think the cutting is an important issue. Yes, it is important to get to the true cause of it, but it is also important that she teach you other ways to deal with it. Better ways.

My friend had several bad experiences with men as a teen. As a result, and for other reasons, she declared herself lesbian. She met a woman, they fell in love, moved in together, eventually got married. She thought she was happy, but she still cut. She still attempted suicide, even while in this loving relationship.

Earlier this year, she and "her wife", broke up. She moved out. Went to a karaoke bar one night. Had one too many drinks and ended up going home with a guy. The next day, she was kicking herself for all the time she had denied herself being with men.

Eventually, she met a really great guy. They are now dating seriously. She has not cut since she met him. She was raised very strict catholic and she is of Latin descent, so family is extremely important. She had VERY limited support (only one of her sisters supported her. Her mom did not. Her dad did not.) and the religious upbringing when she was declared as lesbian. It conflicted her a lot inside, I think.

Now that she is happy with her life, things have gone much smoother. She is still on her bipolar, adhd, anti-anxiety meds. Well, more accurately, she and her counselor are trying to get her meds in proper balance. And she has rough periods. But for the first time since i have known her (6 years), things seem to be truly looking up for her.

I am not sure why she cut and I hope she never does again. She tried to explain it to me, but I just couldn't wrap my brainstem around it, because it is not something I would consider doing. I have no real frame of reference. But I suspect that cutting is an individual thing anyway and that the reasons you do it are probably different from hers.

Yes, I think it is very important that you and a counselor get to the bottom of why you do it. But I also think it is vital that until the two of you get to the bottom of things, she teaches you other ways to deal with it.

And yes, I know I don't know you. But I really do care. Every individual is special and unique and they all contribute to the fabric of life in their own way. Any life cut short too early is a great loss to all of us.

Falcon, I am in tears right now from your post. I'm not really sure why they're coming all at once but maybe because I am fighting so much with myself, that the overwhelming part of me says "give up!" but somewhere, deep inside that dark hole of my heart, something is whispering, "keep going".

I am very touched from your story and you friend's story. I am so glad that you have the courage to tell me that you attempted suicide and are bipolar. Like I said, empathy is everything to me... but I don't understand why people care. It seems like the overwhelming feeling in my mind is that the world would be a better place without me here complaining and bothering everyone.

As the tears fall on my desk, I struggle to find any reason at all to believe people when they say they care.

I go to my counselor tomorrow but I have no idea how (not to mention that I REALLY don't want to) bring this up - all of this shit that I've gotten myself into...

[giventofly11]

<hugs> ?? For all that I have, and who I have become, all I have ever really wanted in this world is to love and be loved - I have felt that feeling before.

My depression was situational. I cried out to God, "How could you make me this way?!". The answers I got - silence, "I had to so you would understand" to simply "I'm sorry".

In the darkest times of my life, when I felt I COULDN"T tell my friends or parents about my sexual attraction it was the power of dreams, the power of being hugged by pure love, and the spiritual voice of a loving parent saying that he already lost one son and didn't want to lose another that kept me going.

These aren't just pretty words, there were so many times I was in pain, suffering that I felt at the time no one should have to go through.

Divine love is the reason I am here today to write this, now - 10 years later I can see that God gave me the gift of an open mind - it was a painful gift, but a gift nonetheless - when I speak out against addiction, hatred, anger, bitterness, cruelty, self-loathing - I speak from the heart..

Thank you, elian. Again, you have me with tears streaking my face. I cry out to God often as well - and am only met with silence. Silence as his so-called "daughter" is slicing up her arms because she doesn't give a damn...

You're right - those aren't pretty words. They aren't pretty at all. But they are beautiful because however terrible they sound, you got through it. Divine love might be why I'm still here as well, but it doesn't seem like it will last that long.

Your last sentence gave me chills.

[elian]

None of us are perfect giventofly11, you can get through this, and with love and patience for yourself - and loving encouragement from others you will. Well, I say none of us are perfect, but that doesn't necessarily mean we are "broken" or worthless...I get tired of the disposable culture people live in. Has it gotten so bad that people think they can throw themselves away as well? You are beautiful just the way you are. <hugs>

[falcondfw]

Falcon, I am in tears right now from your post. I'm not really sure why they're coming all at once but maybe because I am fighting so much with myself, that the overwhelming part of me says "give up!" but somewhere, deep inside that dark hole of my heart, something is whispering, "keep going".

I am very touched from your story and you friend's story. I am so glad that you have the courage to tell me that you attempted suicide and are bipolar. Like I said, empathy is everything to me... but I don't understand why people care. It seems like the overwhelming feeling in my mind is that the world would be a better place without me here complaining and bothering everyone.

As the tears fall on my desk, I struggle to find any reason at all to believe people when they say they care.

I go to my counselor tomorrow but I have no idea how (not to mention that I REALLY don't want to) bring this up - all of this shit that I've gotten myself into...

You said you don't understand why people care. I think my last two sentences give you a reason why people care. Any life cut shorter than it was supposed to be diminishes us all. It took me a very long time to learn that.

As for telling you about the bipolar and the suicide attempts, I really don't consider them a big deal. It happened. Such is life. I am actually lucky. My bipolar and adhd have gifted me with beautiful, creative careers that I firmly believe I would not be able to do without these "issues". I am a web designer and I was a chef for a while (I still enjoy cooking). I love to come up with creative things and make people happy with them.

Speaking of which, I need to get to bed because I start a new contract in the morning.

But I will suggest that maybe you should look to the good of your issues. Some of the most creative people in the world had issues along the autism spectrum (it covers everything from bipolar to dyslexia, including autism and asperger's, lol. Kind of a wide range if you ask me.). Kurt Cobain - bipolar. There are other famous people who had issues along the spectrum, but they slip my mind right now. The highs and lows make for great creativity. Play to that strength.

Good night for now. I'll check in tomorrow night.

[coyotedude]

Just wanted to add my support and encouragement to the other voices here, giventofly. I know it's hard to read now and believe, but you are a beautiful, worthwhile human being who is and deserves to be loved. Including by God.

Peace - and best wishes to you!

[giventofly11]

You said you don't understand why people care. I think my last two sentences give you a reason why people care. Any life cut shorter than it was supposed to be diminishes us all. It took me a very long time to learn that.

As for telling you about the bipolar and the suicide attempts, I really don't consider them a big deal. It happened. Such is life. I am actually lucky. My bipolar and adhd have gifted me with beautiful, creative careers that I firmly believe I would not be able to do without these "issues". I am a web designer and I was a chef for a while (I still enjoy cooking). I love to come up with creative things and make people happy with them.

Speaking of which, I need to get to bed because I start a new contract in the morning.

But I will suggest that maybe you should look to the good of your issues. Some of the most creative people in the world had issues along the autism spectrum (it covers everything from bipolar to dyslexia, including autism and asperger's, lol. Kind of a wide range if you ask me.). Kurt Cobain - bipolar. There are other famous people who had issues along the spectrum, but they slip my mind right now. The highs and lows make for great creativity. Play to that strength.

Good night for now. I'll check in tomorrow night.

Thank you, falcon. And I have realized that people care. It's just a matter of believing it, you know? I am so happy to hear about your success despite your issues that could hold you back, but have actually allowed you to soar. That gives me hope; a lot of hope. I definitely can agree with the statement that some of the most creative people in the world had issues on the spectrum. I'm very familiar with it, as I have a cousin that was once a serious autistic child, but is now diagnosed with asperger's. I like to think that my issues have a purpose as well, and I'm starting to realize it. I have a gift of writing. I'd like to share some of the things I've written with some people on here.

Again, thanks for caring, and checking in. You have no idea how much it means to me. And that goes for everyone that has replied to this thread - thank you, because I might not be here today typing this had I not realized that people care...

[Darkside2009]

In order for your Counsellor to be of any help to you, she needs to know what and how you are feeling. Just as a doctor needs to know the relevant symptoms in order to diagnose the illness and prescribe medication.

So you really need to be open and honest with her as to how you feel, just as you have told us here. Her role is not to judge, but to help you resolve the emotional issues you have been having.

You are young in age, your hormones will be active, so it is quite natural that you should be thinking of sex a lot of the time and want to be in a relationship.

Watching a lot of porn is apt to give you a distorted view of what a relationship entails, in that respect it is not really true to life. It is just meant to stimulate the imagination.

On reading your posts here, and your profile, where you speak of taking a bullet, no one expects anyone to take a bullet to prove their devotion to a relationship. A relationship is about sharing experiences together and of bringing to that relationship the individual elements that make up you as an individual, merging those with the elements a partner brings, to the mutual enjoyment of you both.

You say that you have few friends, but many people have few friends, that is quite normal. If you are starting University soon, that will provide an opportunity for you to make new friends, establish new relationships and discover new interests to occupy your mind.

When your Mother sees that you are despondent and asks if you have remembered to take your medication, she is not asking in order to annoy you. She is concerned for your health and welfare. She brought you into this World to be happy and healthy, it is love for you, her daughter, that causes her concern. She and your father have no doubt spent many sleepless nights worrying about how best to help you achieve that happiness that all of us desire.

We do not live our lives in isolation, they touch upon many other lives, whether it be parents, friends or siblings. If we did not exist their lives would be diminished.

Remember the parable of the Good Samaritan who found the man injured and robbed by the side of the road? He did not know this man personally, but he took this man to accommodation and ensured that his wounds were taken care of at his expense. He recognised that they both shared a common humanity, a duty to love and cherish each other. He recognised that this injured man had friends and family who loved and cherished him, and had need of him in their lives. He recognised a common bond.

At times I have felt depressed in life, just as everyone does. On these occasions I like to watch one of my favourite films, it is called, 'A Wonderful Life' and stars Jimmy Stewart. His character too is suicidal and wishes he had never been born, he is granted his wish and is given a brief insight into how his life had affected others, and how those lives, in turn, affected yet others in a ripple effect.

He comes to realise that he is not alone in this life and is loved and cherished by those whose lives he touches.

You didn't know anyone here before you posted your thread, yet they have responded to you in common humanity, with kindness and concern. You have touched their lives and they have touched yours. The ripple effect.

There are professional people out there, who are willing, and able, to help you, all you need do is ask for their help and tell them of your concerns and feelings. Let them help you back on the path toward a more happy and fulfilled life.

I hope you feel more positive about your life soon.

God bless.

Dark

[Realist]

Darkside,

That is one of the best things I've read, here, in a while. Nicely written, outstanding comments and advice!

Is it me, or are some of the posts getting more kinder, gentler?

[onewhocares]

giventofly,
I am not sure others picked up on it, but I sure did. I am not very worried at all about the bi issues right now. I am far more worried about the cutting. You said you see a Christian Counselor. Does she specialize in cutting? self-mutilation? bipolar disorder? If not, find another counselor who does. Cutting is very serious. I have a dear friend in Florida who is a fantastic woman. Unfortunately, she does not think so. Combine no self-confidence with bipolar and a few other things and she cuts.
Please, please, find some SERIOUS help for the cutting. It only takes one slip to make it permanent.

Hi,

I have not posted in a while but after reading this thread I must. I think that Falcon in on the right path. People DO care. My name on here not withstanding. I think that many people around you do care but you have to take the first step and be concerned and care about yourself first before you let them in on your sexuality. It IS confusing be you straight or bi, or gay or trans..or pink or blue or green. Tall, short, fat or thin...these are all labels for those who judge you from the outside. What is most important, in my estimation is what you think of yourself.

Non of our lives are perfect, but each of us works hard every day to make ourselves better people. I think that if you open your heart to your brother and share with him your thoughts of his coming out and how he made it through and how he may have inspired you to accept who you are...it will bring you closer.

Cutting is never an option and for your counselor to not be concerned about your wanting to cause harm to yourself would give me reason to find another therapist. Many helpful ones out there.

Most importantly...you are NOT ALONE.

Belle

[falcondfw]

giventofly,

I hope you are doing a little better tonight. How did your counseling session go? As I said earlier, more and more people seem to be showing up hourly who care about you.

There is one problem though. As Belle said, no one can truly love you until you first love yourself. I know, because that is another one of my failings (I have too many to list). Especially after the separation and divorce from my wife of 16 years.

But several years later, I met someone who saw enough in me to care. She taught me how to love myself, because i was so busy trying to get her to love herself that I did not realize I was having an effect on myself too.

Now, even though I am significantly overweight and much older than her, she has shown me that she loves me and for whatever reason, I truly believe her. She is an incredible person and just amazingly beautiful both on the inside and the outside. She could have had any guy or gal she chose. But she chose me.

Being cared about by someone else can be an amazing medicine for what ails you. And what I am saying is i truly believe there is someone out there for everyone. It may take a while, but you will find your him or her. But you need to start to care about yourself first.

[giventofly11]

In order for your Counsellor to be of any help to you, she needs to know what and how you are feeling. Just as a doctor needs to know the relevant symptoms in order to diagnose the illness and prescribe medication.

So you really need to be open and honest with her as to how you feel, just as you have told us here. Her role is not to judge, but to help you resolve the emotional issues you have been having.

You are young in age, your hormones will be active, so it is quite natural that you should be thinking of sex a lot of the time and want to be in a relationship.

Watching a lot of porn is apt to give you a distorted view of what a relationship entails, in that respect it is not really true to life. It is just meant to stimulate the imagination.

On reading your posts here, and your profile, where you speak of taking a bullet, no one expects anyone to take a bullet to prove their devotion to a relationship. A relationship is about sharing experiences together and of bringing to that relationship the individual elements that make up you as an individual, merging those with the elements a partner brings, to the mutual enjoyment of you both.

You say that you have few friends, but many people have few friends, that is quite normal. If you are starting University soon, that will provide an opportunity for you to make new friends, establish new relationships and discover new interests to occupy your mind.

When your Mother sees that you are despondent and asks if you have remembered to take your medication, she is not asking in order to annoy you. She is concerned for your health and welfare. She brought you into this World to be happy and healthy, it is love for you, her daughter, that causes her concern. She and your father have no doubt spent many sleepless nights worrying about how best to help you achieve that happiness that all of us desire.

We do not live our lives in isolation, they touch upon many other lives, whether it be parents, friends or siblings. If we did not exist their lives would be diminished.

Remember the parable of the Good Samaritan who found the man injured and robbed by the side of the road? He did not know this man personally, but he took this man to accommodation and ensured that his wounds were taken care of at his expense. He recognised that they both shared a common humanity, a duty to love and cherish each other. He recognised that this injured man had friends and family who loved and cherished him, and had need of him in their lives. He recognised a common bond.

At times I have felt depressed in life, just as everyone does. On these occasions I like to watch one of my favourite films, it is called, 'A Wonderful Life' and stars Jimmy Stewart. His character too is suicidal and wishes he had never been born, he is granted his wish and is given a brief insight into how his life had affected others, and how those lives, in turn, affected yet others in a ripple effect.

He comes to realise that he is not alone in this life and is loved and cherished by those whose lives he touches.

You didn't know anyone here before you posted your thread, yet they have responded to you in common humanity, with kindness and concern. You have touched their lives and they have touched yours. The ripple effect.

There are professional people out there, who are willing, and able, to help you, all you need do is ask for their help and tell them of your concerns and feelings. Let them help you back on the path toward a more happy and fulfilled life.

I hope you feel more positive about your life soon.

God bless.

Dark

I agree with falcon - beautifully said, beautifully written. I can almost imagine you sitting across from me and saying this to me. Thank you for making me feel loved. And I do feel loved. And I'm not just saying that - like I usually do to smokescreen people! I've perfected the art of wearing the "it's okay" mask.

I told my counselor everything. I told her basically everything I've been posting here, especially the first post which I read to her word-for-word. And all she said was "wow. You've really been struggling." And proceeded to tell me how God loves me no matter what. Bullshit. She doesn't really care... I was honest! For one of the first times in my life! And she didn't care. I even told her about my pornography struggles. She blew that off as well and was just like, "College is where you need to be." Yeah, tell me something I DON'T know.

So basically I've lost all hope in people, except you guys[girls]. Because I left my therapy appt, after my therapist hugged me and assured me that I'd "be okay"... and cried. Cried, cried, cried. I wish there was someone to catch my tears. Then, I went and talked to my friend Kate. Which, there is a need for background info here before I get into what happened today with Kate. So here's the story:

I fell in love with her (now boyfriend) Marcus at the end of last year/beginning of this year. He had just broken up with his girlfriend that he had the ring and everything to propose... She broke up with him over another guy and he was completely broken. I was there for him when nobody else was because Kate was still in her long-distance relationship with her boyfriend Daniel (from Ecuador, they met on a mission trip). Marcus and I would stay on the phone for hours on end, talking about everything from his life to my life. And I trusted him, and he trusted me. And he told me (I'll never forget this) that he and I would definitely have a chance of dating if we were each at a better place right now. And me, being a girl, held on to these words. Held on and hoped, dreamed, fantasized, and made it my whole life's goal to finally get with this amazing guy who I was falling madly in love with.

He got over Stephanie and stopped talking to me, and that was right around the time that I went to the hospital for suicidal thoughts (and agreeing to meet a guy off the internet that was 35 years old, and I was going to meet him at his house, and didn't give a care in the world if I was raped because I thought I deserved it... still do..." So, I went to the hospital and when I got out, I started healing because I WANTED to heal. And then I got deserted by my two "best friends" and so I was left with Kate.

Then, I left for the summer, after having my graduation party and being salutatorian of my high school class... yay... I left for my camp counseling job for the summer. And I was having a rough time - being in charge of 11 kids in the cabin is EXHAUSTING, not only physically but spiritually and emotionally as well. And I just wanted someone to hear me out! Yet, Kate didn't listen. And Marcus COMPLETELY ignored me. So, I was questioning it (because Kate broke up with Daniel over the summer... whole other story to that...) but shrugged it off because why would Kate do such a thing? She knew how I felt about Marcus.

Then, I found out that they had been lying to me all along - Kate and Marcus had gotten together over the summer. And they didn't tell me, for fear of my reaction. What, was I going to cut my arm off or something?! I don't know... But then I realized what a shallow hypocrite Marcus was. I never want to date him in my life. And I realized how I cannot put my trust, my entire heart, into any relationship except the one between me and God.

All that to be said, I told Kate what I told you guys - that I have figured out that I am bisexual. Naturally, Marcus was there too (as they can never leave each others sight) and they made me feel like SHIT. "How can you call yourself a Christian, Emily? The Bible clearly states that you will not inherit the kingdom of God. How can you be so ignorant?" And I was trying to listen! I was trying to respect them! Then Marcus left in a huff and I was left with Kate, until I had to go. I cried on the way home from that too. And realized what a failure I was.

Until tonight. Which literally changed my life. I met a man. I met him online, but we finally got to meet in person. And he made me feel alive. I met someone tonight and he made me feel alive. And he made me feel beautiful. And he was genuine. And he was kind. He was polite. He was respectful. He was, in a word, amazing. Though words cannot communicate what I feel now: complete relief; that he, of all people(!) would care about a lowly woman like me.

[Long Duck Dong]

ok, I am very inclined to ask your counsellor what internet site she copied her cert from.......cos her attitude is the same attitude I have seen in a number of counsellors that have the attitude that you belong in the * too hard * basket and you do not make them look good....

ok my dear... the bible is a book of words, but its not god, god is that feeling in your heart that tells you that things get hard but its not your time to go... god is that feeling you get when you walk out into the sunlight and feel it on your skin and you feel so warm, god is that music you hear that makes you want to be able to cry out all the pain and hurt and be at peace, god is that perfume that you smell and think how nice it is......
that is god..... he is the one you will swear at and yell at and tell to go shove christianity so far up his onmipotent butt that he has the old testament in his left eye and the new testament in his right eye........ and god is the one that will just put his arms around you and hold you to him every time you say, thank you.........

god is the one that will look at all the people that judged you in his name, and he is the one that will say, I love giventofly, she is honest about who she is and what she is, her heart is clear and pure..... who are you all that you judge her in my name.....

now, god comes to you again, with new hope, new dreams and the chance to fly..... so embrace that man with both arms and hug him tight..... cos when you say you love it, it will be with all the honesty and openness with which you have shared with us....strangers on the net, in a forum, that now are friends and supporters...

when you think of yourself as a lowly woman, you do not see the lady on the pedestal standing above the masses, and crying out, about how you are not imperfect, you are not superwoman, you are trying to understand why god loves you so much when you are you..... well the pedestal is gods hand, rising you up above all those who would seek to pull you down.... cos the others that need to know that they are valued and loved so much, need to see you and the others like you, so they can come forth and say, thank you... thank you so much.......

you are somebody that is a light to all those lost in the darkness cos you are honest, open and you.... and god loves those who speak from the heart.... cos those whom listen, will hear and come forward........and its by the light of your heart that those whom are false, will be shown.........

I think you will understand.........

know in your heart that god is whom ever you wish to see god as.... as it doesn't matter, cos god sees your heart, not your body... and that is your best way to see god.... not as a being but as all that makes you laugh, smile, cry.... and want to share with the world.... cos it comes from the heart....

[Falke]

giventofly11:

It's too bad you couldn't talk to Mrs. Z about this. She would have some helpful advise for you, being that she is a Ohio farm girl as well. In fact, she lived just down the road from you...

Anyhow, sounds like things are getting better. Just remember, you are not alone. Further, there are people here who will listen and understand what you are going through. Also remember that those who cannot accept you as you are is not a friend.

[dseven]

It just makes me really mad that religion does this to people, we can't do anything about what we feel, I'm an atheist, but to put it in your way,
"God made you this way, you can't fight it, you can't do anything about it, god wants you to be bisexual and he wants everyone around you to love you and respect you for who you are. If it really is a loving god, then he wouldn't make you bisexual if he wasn't going to love you."

Look, you need to speak with your brother, tell him that you made a mistake, if you can, talk to him directly, face to face. Tell him that you are bisexual, and that you love him and respect him no matter what. Hug him, cry, and laugh, because a new part of your life, has just begun, you don't need religion to live, you can use it as a guide, but you are the one who has to ultimately choose your way, no one can choose it for you.

You need to reconcile with your past before you can look ahead. And remember, just because you made mistakes in your life, it doesn't mean that you are a horrible person. A horrible person is one that acts badly, and doesn't care or even thinks that it's okay to act that way.

And also remember that making mistakes is human, learning to let go when someone harms you and learning to apologize when you wrong someone, its godlike.

Don't be afraid of letting go old friends and finding new ones, of course it's not easy, but a true friend, is one that supports you no matter what, that makes you feel better when you are feeling blue. I was in a group of friends that I didn't really like, I was afraid first of letting them go, I was afraid I was going to end up alone. But right now I'm in a very close group of friends, and I love each one of those bloody bastards and bastardettes XD.

Smile, life is too damn good to be worring about what other people think, you are not alone, hang onto the people that makes you feel good and let go the ones that make you feel bad.

A big big hug and a whole lot of kisses.
Dseven.

[R. R. Wayne]

giventofly,

Thank you for coming here and baring your soul. You have received some fine advice. Hang in there. Come back often. You sound like a wonderful young woman. You will find the right person. Just give it more time. Immerse yourself in your studdies. Try to have fun and to find intellectual stimulation at OSU. We need more good young people like you in the world. I am pulling for you. Keep us up to date to the extent you are comfortable in doing so.

Now that's an order from a 72 year-old-bi-guy.

[elian]

Hmm, wow - so many people giving good advice I think.

I am a member of the unitarian church, and my 84 year old neighbor lady asked me "I don't know how you can call it a church if you don't believe in Jesus!!?"

I am a member because it is a liberal, accepting, supportive community that doesn't TELL people WHAT to believe, it encourages them to do the spiritual work that it takes to FIND OUT what THEIR beliefs ARE. If God gave us free will then I don't want to worship in a place where you have to be afraid to ask questions.

I thought about my neighbor's question for a long time, and I never did get to tell her my answer but it is simply this. God is not in the building, or in the book, or in the sermon, or even in the ideals of the institution. The divine is in my heart, arguably right where it belongs.

All of us are human giventofly, forgive your friends if you can. Life doesn't come with instruction manuals and everyone is just trying to find their way. Your counselor too is human, she can only do the best she can within the framework of where she is at this moment in time.

I hate to sound like a broken record but I've said before that I think the worst thing that religious institutions have done is to separate humanity and God - to say that we are down here (points) and "he" is up there (points) and there's nothing you can do about it. I disagree, I think that grace is always available and that ultimately we go through these trials and tribulations to become more compassionate - just like God.

When I stopped thinking of my relationship with God as parent/child (an angry old white guy on a throne) and more like a loving partner..that made a world of difference to me personally.

It doesn't matter to me whether you are bisexual or not, I just hope that some day you will find someone who loves you - if I could be there now I'd give you a hug myself. I prayed for you, and I'm glad that you found a new friend in your life. It might be a mistake to say that my prayers were answered - this man is probably only human, just like the rest of us - but enjoy his company and his friendship while you have it.

Relationships can suck, you put yourself out there and make yourself vulnerable, it is a part of life and I think my life is richer having cared for people, even if those relationships didn't always turn out the way I planned.

Did you see the links in the prior pages? Your friends probably haven't seen Archbishop Tutu - I would LOVE to hear a sermon in HIS church. Someone who suffered through the racial prejudice of apartheid has a whole other view on the way God is. He COULD have been very cynical, but he chose to forgive.

There was a rabbi who once figured that God could either be all powerful, or all loving - but not both at the same time. I am inclined to agree - I think that the divine is a loving and compassionate force but cannot or will not do things such as change the physical weather..

[elian]

Mother Theresa was right, satisfying the hunger for bread is so much easier than satisfying the desire for love and acceptance.

giventofly, your strength to continue is an inspiration to others, even one candle in the wind can inspire someone who feels alone in the dark..imagine what thousands of candles could do?

God is wise enough to appear to each of us in the best way and time we know. Even if you do not believe in a spiritual god, there is the bounty of the Earth and the physical laws that nourish our bodies in the same way that compassion nourishes our souls.

I lament that so many people seem to struggle to know what it means to share that love with others, and I am elated when someone finds that strength and knowledge within themselves. Life is too short to live with anger, spite and regret - If you love someone make sure they know about it today.

http://www.starstuffs.com/prayers/10com.htm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_dkP_vWEXHo

[Emotional Masochist]

Wow... Honestly wow. giventofly welcome to this site. As you can see it is full of fantastic caring people. They have been a great help to me and i am sure they will be here to help you.

I can't say i have any insight into suicide and cutting. I do have a few friends who have done it in the past and one who is does it now. I couldn't help them, but i did tell them all one thing. "It is your body and your right to do with it as you wish, but know this I love you and if something happens to you I will be hurt. I ma here for you. I wont condemn you for your thoughts or your actions, but forgive me if i cry a little as i hug you.." Like them it is your body and your mind. I don't know your situation or why you do it, just that I wish you didn't. Nothing more nothing less.

One more thing though. I read in one of your posts that you write. Honestly I think this is something you should use to help yourself. When I was in gr12 i got kicked out of my school and the day before i started at my new school, i got into a car accident and basically couldn't walk for a while. I became depressed. I had no social life at all. And basically dragged myself around my school and left didn't bother with anything else... but one thing i learned then was that i could write. I loved it.It became my voice, my strength, my confidant, my release. I used it to empty my mind. I releeased my thoughts onto the paper. When it was there I could understand it, I could feel it, i knew it and it made more sense. My writing became the beacon that brought me back to life.Maybe you could use your writing to help you in a similar fashion.

As for friends I can tell you that personally i can honestly count on one hand my friends.There was a time i only had three, but now i look and it has grown to five. The truth is I have my pillars my three pillars i use to support myself. The other ones are just side supports that have been added as time went by. Everyone else i know is a mere acquaintance. Someone who is here now and can simply disappear tomorrow. This is not something i look at as a bad thing. I have found those i trust and have brought them into my inner circle. I use them to help myself get through everyday as it goes. The rest of the world are friends that i hang out with and see every once in awhile.

Being BI and accepting it can be quite complicated. Add in your religious background and it hurts even more. I thought about myself for a long time. I took my time about it. And honestly someone here gave me this answer a while ago. NO ONE BUT YOU CAN TELL YOU, THAT YOU ARE BI. This being sad you asked for "how exactly do we know our sexuality?" Personally I knew when i learned that I was attracted to both sexes, i could sleep with them, and I could love them.An though i was sure of this. it took me a while to come to terms with what that means to me. I am still struggling with it. I am a BI because i know i can be with either male or female and not care about their gender.That is my method to ascertain my sexuality..
What i do with that information is still undecided Till i find true happiness.

God is the beauy in all things. Wen you see it and understand it, it will be easier to understand. But god is you and everyone else in the world.

All i really wanted to say is that you are a wonderfvul person and I respect your values and your beliefs. I hope all goes well for you as they did for me.

I am off to bed.

Sleep well
Dream well
Live well

[ro5884]

God loves you the way you are. A few years ago I gave up beating myself up for being bisexual. I'm older and almost died from a heart condition, and learned life is way too short to judge myself or others. All the time spent worrying didn't fix anything. I told several people I was bi, and for the most part it didn't change my relationships. My friends appreciated the honesty and the courage it took to come out. But for the most part your sexuality is not really a topic most care about or want to hear about. And your sexuality is for you, not them.

Accepting yourself is a great gift. The world will keep turning if you accept or condemn yourself, so why not give yourself acceptance? You would do it for someone else, why not for you?

[elian]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AB_ST0-2bCE&feature=player_embedded

[falcondfw]

VERY nice Elian.

[elian]

Just passing on a link from a friend. I think it's cool they let them do that in public.. :)

[tenni]

Elian
That was wonderful!! Thanks for passing that on. It was clearly an "inside job"...:)

[keladry]

you know I care dearie...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwtcwQwgdsA

I'm sure you've heard this before... but it's true

You are More.

[giventofly11]

Thank you ALL... sorry I haven't been keeping updates on here. The links are amazing, I especially love the Flash Mob and I'm going to look into this Trevor Project.

Something I just don't understand though is why strangers care so much... You don't even know me. I am thankful that you care, but I don't understand why. If any of you knew any part of the things I've done or the perfect life I've ruined... I'm just a sob story, really.

Though things have taken a turn for the worse. Suicide has definitely been in my thoughts more, and I'm giving into the dark tricks my mind is playing on me. I haven't cut, which is a good thing, but I think it's because I haven't cut that I haven't had my "escape" so therefore suicide is creeping into my brain more and more.

[falcondfw]

Thank you ALL... sorry I haven't been keeping updates on here. The links are amazing, I especially love the Flash Mob and I'm going to look into this Trevor Project.

Something I just don't understand though is why strangers care so much... You don't even know me. I am thankful that you care, but I don't understand why. If any of you knew any part of the things I've done or the perfect life I've ruined... I'm just a sob story, really.

Though things have taken a turn for the worse. Suicide has definitely been in my thoughts more, and I'm giving into the dark tricks my mind is playing on me. I haven't cut, which is a good thing, but I think it's because I haven't cut that I haven't had my "escape" so therefore suicide is creeping into my brain more and more.

We may not actually know you in real life, but almost all of us, at one time or another, have been in your situation or a similar one to one degree or another. We are trying to save you from making the same mistakes we did.

[elian]

I am NOT an Evangelical Christian but born again may be the best way to describe what you are going through. We are born into this world helpless. If you enjoy being (or are forced into being) an independent person learning to depend on others isn't the most pleasant thing. It can take a while to see the beauty but it is there.

We all make mistakes, if we don't make mistakes we probably aren't really learning. Many people have been hurt but hold tight now to compassion, equity and love..that is where true power lies. When you learn to forgive yourself and love yourself, that is a blessing.

None of us are angels, you don't necessarily have to do spectacular or dramatic things, do what you can, where you can, to the extent that you can. You ARE worthy of the gift you have been given.

[keladry]

firstly, people care because you are PERSON. so we care. People care about other people, we're like hardwired to do that.

I agree with falcon that part of it is... it's like gonna sound weird but we like ARE you. in some way. We're all different, but share a lot of the same things.... there are a lot of things in common in the human experience, you know?

And finally. I care because I like you. Get over it. :P

[doofus]

never EVER BE ASHAMED........OF WHO AND WHAT YOUR ARE .......
X

[elian]

I cross posted this to keladry's thread, but maybe it will help you too giventofly..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f07d9Ss8Va4

[Long Duck Dong]

Thank you ALL... sorry I haven't been keeping updates on here. The links are amazing, I especially love the Flash Mob and I'm going to look into this Trevor Project.

Something I just don't understand though is why strangers care so much... You don't even know me. I am thankful that you care, but I don't understand why. If any of you knew any part of the things I've done or the perfect life I've ruined... I'm just a sob story, really.

Though things have taken a turn for the worse. Suicide has definitely been in my thoughts more, and I'm giving into the dark tricks my mind is playing on me. I haven't cut, which is a good thing, but I think it's because I haven't cut that I haven't had my "escape" so therefore suicide is creeping into my brain more and more.

why do strangers care so much.... cos we can......

I am a stranger to many people, I used to do counselling and therapy work, and I was a stranger on a couch, talking to strangers off the street, but we were all so similar, so imperfect, so human that we could relate easily....

in the forum, I am a stranger on a webpage, yet we share so many experiences, laughs, tears and memories,.....

we may be strangers but our paths are often the same.......

[_Joe_]

I am scared, ashamed, confused, lost, and horribly depressed. I'm in denial, yet something about telling myself that I'm bi gives me relief for the feelings I've had towards girls.

The first and foremost you need to do is simply ACCEPT that this is you, and that there's nothing wrong. Sorta like saying you don't like your ankles. You can't change your ankles, they are what they are, and you need to simply accept it and keep on going.

Years on here, and sometimes I do get upset I'm this way, thinking life would be easier if I wasn't this way, but then I remember this is who I am, and keep on going. You did the right thing coming here talking to the rest of us that have been where you are now, to some degree.

[BiBedBud]

Dear giventofly11,

I have not read this entire thread, but I feel for you. From what little I have read of the above, you are getting some good advice, and you ought to act on at least some of it. Understand that you have options that can lead you to a better understanding of yourself, and a better place altogether. I think, that will in all likelihood, involve at least a few new friends; which is what I’d like to write about.

There is no written-in-stone rule that says you have to stand by your friends no matter what, if they are the kind of people who will not stand by you. Friendship is a two way street, and why you would keep close company with people who would damn you to hellfire for how you feel, is quite frankly, beyond me. If your friends are not accepting of who you are, then you don’t actually need them in your life.

Find some new friends – it’s gonna be easier than you think, and it’s certainly easier than living with the ones you’ve got now.

Understand that I am not suggesting you ‘confront’ them or bring the situation with them to a head. If you don’t think they’ll accept you when you ‘come out’ to them, then why put yourself through all that emotional turmoil? It can’t be worth it, to set yourself up for their judgement. You don’t need that stress, and if they’re the kinds of people who would stress you out over something like this, then they don’t deserve your friendship.

All I’m saying is that you could use some new friends – hopefully ones that will be better for you. Another thing you’ve got to understand is that in your interactions with your counsellor, you are essentially a ‘patient’, and what you really need IMO, is a friend, or better yet, a collection of friends. It’s fine to rely on professional help (although, I would suggest you find a fully-credentialed mental health professional, rather than someone whose claim to the name of ‘counsellor’ is based in part on his/her adherence to a dogmatic belief system, and who is intent on keeping you ‘within the flock’).

So, to recap: Make some new friends – ones who won’t judge you for being you – even, dare I suggest, some non-Christian friends. As you grow closer to them, and spend more time with them, you won’t be so worried about what your judgemental Christian friends will think of you, if and when they finally realize who you really and truly are – because right now they’re friends with the you who doesn’t really exist, and that’s not fair to either of you.

PS: If you find comfort in pain, I suggest you study martial arts at a reputable dojo (martial arts studio). You’ll get your dose of pain under supervised conditions, you’ll learn how to defend yourself, and you will build your self esteem and your confidence at the same time. In all probability, you’ll make some friends too – and they’ll appreciate your capacity to endure the hurt. I’m being totally serious here – do yourself a favour and find a dojo and just ask to sit and watch a few classes. If this is something you’d consider, feel free to PM me and I’ll try to set you in the right direction, as to what kind of martial art would best suit you. (NB: I’m not in Ohio, but if the places you are considering have websites, I’ll review whatever materials you point me to. I can explain more than most, what the relative suitability of various martial arts forms are. I think this could really do wonders for you, if you’ll just consider it with an open mind.)

Whatever you do, love yourself first.
:2cents:

PPS: I've just now read your profile -- GIRLFRIEND! YOU'VE GOT OPTIONS, BELIEVE ME!!! I am certain you'll manage if you only give it a try. Ohio State University will definitely provide many new opportunities for you to make new friends, get involved in activities that interest you, and probably even learn some martial arts, if you want to. Chin up! Things are looking up for you! Best wishes, BBB