Advice about bisexual orientation

[musica]

Hi all:

Thanks for this great site and the warmth and humor of the posts here.

I have some questions for you guys. I am a 33 yo guy. I have always professed myself to be straight, and thought of myself that way. I grew up in a family that was not very open about sex, or very physical - we didn't touch. It was a happy family otherwise.

I remember being attracted to girls in middle school. But I also remember being emotionally attracted to men. I wasn't sexual at all in middle school or high school, aside from a lot of masturbation. My fantasies were all with women. I remember being concerned about sexual attraction to men and was generally horny. I didn't really know what to do with girls, and most of my friends were guys. I remember being concerned about things like getting erections in the locker room, or when the doctor makes ya cough checking your scrotum. I wasn't very comfortable with my body generally, and was an anxious but quiet kid. I idealized girls as being kinda angelic creatures, and thought the reason I didn't have one was that I wasn't good enough for them.
I liked the arts - was a classical musician, studied it in college. Wasn't very into things that guys did in Texas - TV, cars, football, baseball, etc. Was always worried that I wasn't manly or sexual enough.

When I was 19, a hot latina girl found her way into my life. I remember feeling reticent about it. I wasn't comfortable the first time we had sex. She was a little more experienced than I was. But I enthusiastically jumped into it, and enjoyed it.

We got married a few years later, and a bunch of traumatic stuff happened - she had a miscarriage, cheated on me soon after we got married, and we stayed together for sevrral years after that. Towards the end of the marriage, I started having intrusive thoughts about sex with guys, and developed emotional ties to a few acquaintances that felt more than just friendship. She eventually left, leaving me with the feeling that she had left because these feelings had started happening.

I went through several years - moved across several east cost cities, had sporadic hookups with girls, and battled feelings for male friends and random men that I couldn't understand. I was going through a severe clinical depression which also left me confused and uncertain about most of my own feelings, so I kept thinking it was to do with the illness.

Then I meet a wonderful girl, fall in love, and she - because she is gentle and amazing and understanding - helped me get over years of resentment towards women and even sex itself. We've been doing long distance for about 4 months at this point.

These sexual impulses - or emotional impulses - or something - they are hard to name - for guys are still here. It's like a sexual feeling when I am around almost all men, and kind of an obsessive concern about my own sexuality and trying to have it be manageable and understandable.

This left me feeling really confused - thinking that I should break up with this girl to avoid hurting her and just being alone - particularly because I've always heard people say that it's impossible to like both sexes for men - that you're either straight or gay. It's caused me a lot of pain and suffering, and led me in the past to consider even suicide.

I started seeing a therapist recently specializing in these issues (and doing a lot of T'ai Ch'i, which has interesting thoughts about male and female energy living inside a single person).

Can anybody shed any light on who I am? I feel a lot of guilt about being with this girl and not telling her, am not sure that what these sexual feelings are for guys but feeling obsessed by them. It was a relief to read the stories here and realize that all the feelings I've had for women in the past are real and that I wasn't just deluding myself...and feeling like maybe I can be safe in my own head for a little while.

Thanks everybody - really appreciate any thoughts you might have about how to manage these feelings, what they are, am I bi, straight, gay, how people have managed this in their own lives, etc.

[Jobelorocks]

Well, it sounds to me like you are probably bi, but only you can decide what your sexuality is. Bisexuality simply is being sexually and/or emotionally attracted to both men and women. Bisexuality does exist in both men and women contrary to what some may believe. You are not alone, there are tons of other men out there who have the same feelings as you do. There are many different types of sexualities out there and many tend to dismiss ones they don't understand.

Since you are seeing a therapist, you should consider talking to them about your feelings towards men and women. They may be able to help you sort things out. It is important for you to accept yourself and your sexual and romantic attractions to help you feel at peace with your sexual identity.

If you do decide that you fit in the category of bi there are some things you do have to decide. You have to decide if you want to come out and to whom. Now with this remember only you can weigh the pros and cons and decide whether it is worth it coming out. I found it incredibly freeing and healing to come out to my husband about my bisexuality as well as some select friends.

Another thing you must decide is whether or not to act on your bisexual feelings and how you will go about doing it. If you are in a relationship I do not suggest cheating, not only because it is selfish and can hurt your partner, but also that is the WORST way your partner can find out your sexuality. Some partner may not be open to you practicing your bisexuality, some may be supportive. I lucked out with a husband who is very supportive of my sexuality.

I think personally it is best to come out to your partner at least (now this is when you reach a point where you know that they are trustworthy), just because you don't want to deal with trying to keep it secret from them over years. This can include having to hide internet history (which can make partners suspicious), censoring what you talk about, and many other things.

I hope this has helped. If you have any more questions feel free to ask us. Most people on here are very willing to help someone questioning and in need.

[johnsodo]

i fell you i just came out last month to my wife shes was upset but some what under sanding she told me that i need to figure it out and try it if need be
but she is scard that ill leave her for a guy


so all i can tell you find the right time and tell her asap it will help in the long run

[Long Duck Dong]

musica, you are you...... the labels we can use to define ourselves, do not always do us justice......

reading your post, talks to me of a *soft natured * person, you are gentle, quiet, considerate, passionate and emotional..... but a person that is internalized, questioning, curious but full of self doubt and a person that second guesses a lot about themselves and trying to make sense of yourself in a way that makes no sense to you.....

I can see the emotional affection for males that you mention and the sexual aspect with females, so I am curious with the sexual fantasies about males,.... your post leads me to believe that you would often see yourself as a * bottom * a person that would take the role of the feminine partner with another guy.... but there is a lack of sexual energy in your post, which can indicate a person that is more into affection, touching, stroking, kissing, holding and cuddling

something you mention is the feeling sexual towards males when you are around them..... and if they lessen at other times ( when you are not around males ) it is something that can be found in people that have dealt with depression, they are drawn to the energy of other people, it resonates with you and brings out a reaction that can be sexual and emotional.......

t'ai chi ch'uan can help as well as the therapy, for people like you... you are not broken or faulty goods, you are a person with a very flowing nature and the therapy and t'ai chi can help you gain your footing rather than feeling like you are a person standing in the water at the beach and having each wave lift your feet from the sea bad......
yeah it works with the yin and yang energies of the body and when they are out of balance, can help rebalance them.....

ok .... lol

there are other options than being bisexual... there is pansexual / omnisexual... and in your case, it can mean that you are a person that is attracted to people of all aspects, rather than singular aspects of gender, such as butch males / females or fem males / females......

sometimes its easier not to define yourself when things do not make sense, but to talk with those close to you ( the lady you are currently talking with ) and slowly work yourself thru the maze to find yourself......

there is no guarantee that she will be open minded or accepting of things, but based around your post, it sounds like she is quiet and patient, willing to listen and help and its possible that she may know more than she lets on.....

a good way to talk with her is to not try and tell her your sexuality but talk about the same things you have talked with in your thread, the way you feel and think, the way you enjoy the company of both genders etc.....

may ladies can appreciate having a person being open and honest with them about issues like this as it can show the ladies that you have trust in them and a desire to share with them, the issues you are dealing with.....and it could lead to a better, stronger relationship with them and one that may allow you to explore things with the safety and support of a partner that cares

[elian]

I fell into a trap of guilt believing that I HAD to be one way OR the other, that is a lie - you certainly can love both men and women, I think most well rounded people do (to one degree or another). There are different kinds of love, emotional, physical, etc. If your family was not close, maybe you seek love and acceptance from men as well as women. There's nothing wrong with that but don't let yourself be taken advantage of either.

You wouldn't be the first person to struggle with thoughts of insecurity, you certainly aren't alone. The girlfriend, well I am glad that you found someone who is supportive of you, long distance relationships can be hard but I have heard a rumor that people come into our lives for a reason. You may or may not spend "the rest of your life" with this person but it is a blessing that she is helping you build your confidence again. In the end, sooner or later I would tell my partner..even if it's just "hey, I've had some really confusing thoughts." I know it's scary, all I can say is you are not alone. If you feel you have a deep romantic relationship with a person then they deserve to know.

It is human nature to want what we cannot have, when we are hungry we want the biggest steak we can possibly have, like the 64oz steak - but after a few bites you may realize that your stomach is bigger than your eyes. I don't mean to minimize the idea that you might love or be physically attracted to men, just trying to explain the "obsessive" part of it.

Keep working with your therapist if you think that helps you, they can probably give better advice than I can.

[musica]

Thanks everybody. Really great stuff here. The thing that I am not clear about is how much these feelings change during the day. Right now, I feel as if I need to break up with my girlfriend, and go out and explore being with men.

But if you talked to me at noon today, I was more in love with her than I have been in a long time - not confused at all. Felt confident all this could be worked out. Then before that, I had a dream about being with a woman.

Is this normal? Does the roller coaster of emotions calm down ever? There's kind of a core -gut- feeling that I don't like women as much as I like men, but then I was very much attracted to women earlier today. It feels like the intenstiy of reaction to thinking about men is much stronger (at least right now), but I suppose that could be just that I have never openly thought about it before say a month and a half ago.

Thanks.. the thing is I love this girl and she is probably the most tremendous person I have met in my life in terms of caring and kindness and matched interests, so I don't want to do anything foolish but want to find some peace around all this as well..

[musica]

Oh and by the way, I have "come out" about these feelings to both my mother and father, as well as a couple close bi and gay friends. Everybody was very cool about it.

[Jobelorocks]

Well, I find that my sexuality is pretty fluid. I go through stages where I am really into men, and stages I am really into women, and some where they are equal, and everywhere in between. It is normal to have these feelings, but yours seem to change more often then most, but that is fine, we all are unique. Usually my "stages" last a few months.

By the way congrats on coming out to those people. What a wonderful thing to have people that know and are supportive. Trust me, that really helps.

[Cc33guy]

You don't have to breakup with the GF but you need to gradually break not sexuality dialect and come out to her. If she doesn't know and accept you then you are gong to hate yourself or resent her. Be HONEST with her and yourself

[bijohnmpls]

Thanks everybody. Really great stuff here. The thing that I am not clear about is how much these feelings change during the day. Right now, I feel as if I need to break up with my girlfriend, and go out and explore being with men.

But if you talked to me at noon today, I was more in love with her than I have been in a long time - not confused at all. Felt confident all this could be worked out. Then before that, I had a dream about being with a woman.

Is this normal? Does the roller coaster of emotions calm down ever? There's kind of a core -gut- feeling that I don't like women as much as I like men, but then I was very much attracted to women earlier today. It feels like the intenstiy of reaction to thinking about men is much stronger (at least right now), but I suppose that could be just that I have never openly thought about it before say a month and a half ago.

Thanks.. the thing is I love this girl and she is probably the most tremendous person I have met in my life in terms of caring and kindness and matched interests, so I don't want to do anything foolish but want to find some peace around all this as well..

Hi Musica,

I know exactly what you are going through. When I was younger, I had the same feelings you do and to this day, I find my attraction very fluid. I am currently dating a wonderful women, but I don't think she would understand my sexuality. I keep her at arms length and not getting too close because, I still have the desire to be with men. The question is, how open minded is she, if you told her that you have attraction to men, would she be accepting or repulsed? I have several bi male friends that told their wives that they are bi, some of them it did not go well, as some of the earlier posts mentioned, while others their wives still love them for who they are. One of my good friends, who I believe is bi, but he still won't admit it, I asked his wife if he came out as bi, if she would be ok with that, and she told me that she would still love him, but wasn't sure if she would want him having sex with men. While other of my bi married friends, their wives are ok with it, as long as it is a 3-some and they are involved. This is a unique situation and not many women would be open to this.

I am still looking for a bi women who would understand my sexuality and I can be open with. You need to be true to yourself and any commitment you make to another person. If you have depression now, living a life that you are not comfortable with will make things much worse.

Since I don't know the women you are dating, you will need to decide if both of your love for each other is strong enough and if she will be accepting to who you are. If not, it is not fair to you or her.

[elian]

For someone who was raised to believe that you must absolutely be one way OR the other that feeling is infuriating isn't it - first you love one gender, then the other, or both at the same time? People who have never had that feeling whimsically dismiss being bisexual as "doubling your chances for a date" but being bisexual really does mean that you like BOTH sexes to one degree or another..

Try not to label yourself and just love people for who they are, not what is between their legs.

I'm really glad that you are able to be out to your parents and a few others around you and they accept it - that's wonderful. You didn't say how old you are but if you are still young there is a chance that you'll mellow a little as you grow older and gain more experience.

Like others have said, if you feel strong desires to be with men and you don't think it will go away then at some point you're going to want to open up to your girlfriend about that - she's either going to be a part of your life or she's not - but it's not fair to either of you if you lead a double life.