Str8 guy in a relationship with a BI Woman

[That Guy]

Hello all,
I just joined to seek understanding. I have searched through many pages hoping to find some thoughts and feelings on my issue, but was unable to do so. So here goes nothing [sets aside my macho]

I am deeply in love with a beautiful woman and the mother of my children. When we first began dating she told me that she was Bi. We had a talk about it and she has told me that she had not been with a woman in quite sometime. I told her that as long as it doesn't affect our relationship and that I am not neglected than ok. Maybe I spoke too soon and didn't really think about what all is included with a Bi sexual woman. We have been together for over 3 years and i know that she looks for women on sites and chats with them. She has expressed to me that she only has a physical attraction to woman and feels that should couldn't be with just a woman exclusively. As any regular straight guy, i was thinking threesomes, but apparently that's not the case. We are very sexual and wish to explore, but she has expressed that she wanted her Bi-sexulity to just be her thing. That in itself confuses me. I feel that now she is in a serious (very serious as i plan to ask her hand) relationship, that this is something we should share but she doesn't feel the same. I have asked her how she would feel if a woman were to perform oral on me and I could see her cringe at the idea. I am not understanding that she doesn't understand how i feel. I can't compete with a woman, she has had this issue of her bisexuality being thrown up in her face and i don't want to be that guy. I mean hell, she told me up front! I need help in understanding, and I need help in knowing how to communicate with her and to have her open up so that I can give her the support she needs and so that I can have a piece of mind on it all. I am not a selfish person and this isn't about my fantasies coming true. I just want to understand and bridge the gap to understanding. I don't believe that she has been with a woman yet, I think she is afraid that when she does it, i will change how i view her.


Sorry for rambling

Thanks in advance for you mature answers

[Gearbox]

For many bi's same gender sex is no threat to the relationship when he/she has no emotional attraction to that gender. There's little/no chance of developing feelings for them. It's purely a 'sex thing'.
You being hetero are not as emotionally disconnected to women as she is, and that's probably why she cringed at the idea of you getting blown by the same woman she plans full on sex with.
You can see how that makes sense to her?:rolleyes:

Sense or not though, if SHE'S gonna get some fun, then YOU should have that option too, whether she likes it or not, or is present or not. Simple as!
Her bisexuality isn't the problem here. It's her lack of equality. BEFORE you pop the question, sort that out. Maybe you could explain that your so in love with her that it would be JUST sex for you too?
Best of luck!:)

[Jason0012]

Three years isnt all that long. I understand that she is missing something being without another woman in her life , but...... Being bisexual is not an excuse to screw around! If you can both come to an agreement then great go ahead. The issue is that she doesn't seem to respect you and your veiws here. Even if you were informed up front, opening the relationship, but for her alone , is not a good thing to either unilateraly force upon you, or to go ahead with without your full support. Being bisexual is not an excuse to be an out of control lust monster.

[That Guy]

Thank you both I respect youd perspectives. So how do I really get her to open up more or even the idea that; hell, I like women too! I refrain from other women as I know it will be a deal breaker. She has had friends that are married and the woman is bi, and her husband has pursued women and the woman felt that he was cheating.



Thanks again

[axlton]

Ask yourself this. If the situation were flipped, that is you were the one that was bi would you be comfortable letting your wife go out and sleep with other guys in exchange for you wanting to have a boyfriend on the side?

It's a sticky kind of issue, I'm bi and my wife has experimented with bisexuality in the past but doesn't think it's for her. My wife has given me permission to be with a guy once in a while and I've told her that if she is so inclined she can experiment with another woman as well. Neither of us, however would be comfortable if the other started sleeping with members of the opposite sex.

It's like it's not really cheating per se for us to explore our same sex attractions (at least in our minds) as long as it doesn't effect our personal relationship or sex life. But being with someone else of the opposite sex would feel like cheating for the both of us. If that makes any sense, It's kind of hard to explain.

So, while you're wife doesn't want you to get any strange pussy, she would probably have no problem with you seeing another guy. I'm not saying that's what you want, but she just wouldn't view that as cheating the same way she would if you were with other women.

[tenni]

I'm more inclined to agree with Axlton that Gear on the issue of being sexual with other outside of your relationship with you wife. I do agree that you need to get her to clarify if this is a purely physical expression of sexuality. You are not a woman and can not give her what she wants. She is not asking to be sexual with another man and therefore there is not a direct comparison to you having sex with another woman. It is more comparable to you have sex with a man. You may or may not be interested in that. Try to understand that your bi wife is not seeking an emotional relationship(if she states this). Do you love her enough to let her do this to make her happy? What rules do you wish to establish with her about her being with a woman? What do you want to know and what would you rather not know? Communication as is often said here is the key. Insure her that you love her and she needs to do the same. Some bisexuals are not comfortable being sexual with a same sex person in front of their opposite gender partners.

[That Guy]

Ok, I see your point. I have been searching for information for awhile and I have read that bisexuals dont see it as cheating. So would you be uncomfortable if your wife wanted to join you and your friend? For her she has explained that it would be just sex, no emotiinal attachments, for me it would be the same but done together. She also feels that since I didnt have a problem in the beginning why would I have a problem now. I guess because I feel like I have been put on a shelf and im not the important one. I need for her to be comfortable telling me about it even if its just conversation of girls shes intersted in. I dont her to feel she has to sneek, that will only lead to my distrust and kill the relationship

[Jason0012]

That is a very bi response. Yes she can not get from him what she can from a woman. My question is, are her base physical desires are more important than her comitment to the relationship. From a bisexual standpoint her position makes perfect sense. To him it seems quite unreasonable. In my own marriage, my wife likes to keep her involvement with women to herself, which is fine with me. I have a female partner in her and dont really feel the need to go muck up her girl time. I typicly involve her when im with another guy just because im bent that way. after almost twenty years this works for us. The question here is what works for a straight guy and his bi woman. Truthfully we dont NEED anybody, so the idea that a need is going unfilled is kind of absurd. It is really a want, or desire that is going unfilled. They need to discuss things and , if this relationship is really important to her she should try to resolve his concerns before seeking other relationships. It is all about boundries and respect.

[Long Duck Dong]

Ok, I see your point. I have been searching for information for awhile and I have read that bisexuals dont see it as cheating. So would you be uncomfortable if your wife wanted to join you and your friend? For her she has explained that it would be just sex, no emotiinal attachments, for me it would be the same but done together. She also feels that since I didnt have a problem in the beginning why would I have a problem now. I guess because I feel like I have been put on a shelf and im not the important one. I need for her to be comfortable telling me about it even if its just conversation of girls shes intersted in. I dont her to feel she has to sneek, that will only lead to my distrust and kill the relationship

it depends on the bisexual as if if they see it as cheating lol...... and there have been numerous debates in the forum over what is cheating... and there have been a good number of bisexuals that do not condone cheating cos of the effect it can have on partners.... and some interesting statements by bisexuals about how its not cheating if its with the same gender etc etc lol

you feel like you are not the important one and being put on a shelf, but dude, you are the one she is with, has kids to and she is the one you want to marry..... if she says yes, you are definitely not put on the shelf.... you are the one she puts on a pedestal cos you are the one she has taken as a partner...... but yes I am aware that the issue has more to do with sex and bisexuality than anything else....

I have to ask about the 3some, how actively involved do you want to be, as you talk about wanting to understand and support her, but most of what you refer to, is understanding and supporting her by being in the same bed with her and another female..... and understanding and supporting a partner is often beyond the bedroom... and having a 3some is not really supporting her and understanding her... its having sex with her and another person....

a example of what I am trying to say there, is best shown by things like morning sickness, you understand and support her during morning sickness bouts, but most guys will not go into the toilet every morning and ram their fingers down their throats until they vomit, to get a feel of what the poor female is dealing with......they are content with telling their wife they care and how they sympathize with their wives.....

[elian]

I can see how you might feel like you can't compete, but you are the one she comes to for emotional support, and you are the one she comes home to every night.. You have some talking to do before you make that commitment, in the best way you can I would let her know that you are feeling vulnerable and see what she says.. When you speak don't phrase your words as to put blame on either one of you.

[bibiwb]

I'm have been dating a woman now for over a year and she's bisexual. Her former "friend" used to make her hide her sexuality and strictly forbade her to even talk to another woman. She told me in a very timid manner that she was bi. I think she was waiting for me to tell her to hit the road. I didn't, in fact I told her that I was very proud of her to come forward. I also explained that I would never stand in the way of her sexuality.

I know she loves me very much and we are committed in our relationship. If she wants to have a female companion, so be it. I know where she will be at night when I go to bed, right next to me. If she wants to invite me along, that's great. However, I never have any hopes of that, this is strictly about her. I could give her all the candy and flowers in the world, but the one thing that I can't give is her ability to be "her", "in her own way". This is her lifestyle and I would never think about interfering with it. That would be like telling a kid they can't have cotton candy because it has sugar in it.

She and I have no secrets, we talk about everything. Sometimes when we are at dinner I may point out a woman for her to check out. She talks to me about her frustrations about being bi and we work it out together. We like to go out and have dinner, then go to a local area and people watch. She and I will compare out interests in the different boobs and butts that walk by. Its a lot of fun and it reminds her that I am not intimated by her sexuality.

I hope I have been helpful.

[That Guy]

Maybe I should expound more. When I first met my lady, I was not a one woman man, eventually it came to light that she was not the only one in the beginning but by the time she had found out I had already cut the others off to only have her in my life, no other women for me except her and her alone. From what I can gather she has not been in a relationship as serious as our relationship, so there really hasn’t been a need to make any changes to her life as a female ini the life. Like I said before she did tell me that she was in the life when we met, this was not a deciding factor for me since what I fell in love with were her intangibles.
Speed up some time and we have had a child together and her body went thru the changes that it does with any woman. Her self confidence was down and she wasn’t feeling very sexy. I understood this and set my urges to the side because she wasn’t feeling up to her best, so when I found messages that were being deleted in her phone of conversations with females (nothing major from what I could tell or if anything had happened) then that’s when I felt like this could be a problem. Yea I violated her phone and I’m not going to justify doing so, but I was feeling neglected, too many tell tell signs of a person that is sneeking around (I know because I considered myself a king at it). So with that being said; I changed for us, I cut off other women so I could have her. I’m not telling her she can’t be bi, I’m trying to understand why doesn’t she see that she needs to make a change as well when it comes to being intimate. Another thing is that she is a pillow princess, she only receives, she doesn’t reciprocate. We have talked about 3somes but I understand that she is hesitant because of my past and doesn’t want me to view that event to be an all out go card for me to just do whatever I want to do. I get that. I love her enough to respect that. Our bedroom life is much more livelier than before, and like I said we are a nasty couple, we want to experiment, because the reality is, one person may not fully satisfy any one persons needs, due to boundaries, dislikes,etc…..
As one person mentioned, we don’t NEED anyone, it’s a want, I need to have her and my family, and my partner to grow with. I WANT to just meet a nice young tender and beat the brakes off of her and then go home to my life, but I refrain because I would lose everything I just mentioned.
Now in regards to me being the one she comes home to at night is what I like to call B*llsh*t (no personal attack) I was a horrible husband prior to this relationship and I always came home after a night of liquor and doing the do with someone other than my wife. That’s called cheating. I kept my cheating to myself and didn’t tell my wife I was cheating. I supplied all that my wife wanted and needed except monogamy. I didn’t love those other women, she had boundaries of what she would do and what she wouldn’t do and quite frankly, I felt I needed the cruise ship instead of a canoe. By no means am I blaming my ex-wife for my misdeeds, I am guilty. With that being said how can intimacy with anyone else but your partner not be cheating? How is it that those in the life don’t view it as cheating? Why is it ok for those in the life to do it and not allow the other side to do it their own way?
I want to get to where the last poster mentioned to where we are having fun and she is comfortable and I don’t feel insecure.
I will end with this, please provide me with all the boundaries that you all can think of so that I can read them.

Once again i thank you all for your help on this

[That Guy]

it depends on the bisexual as if if they see it as cheating lol...... and there have been numerous debates in the forum over what is cheating... and there have been a good number of bisexuals that do not condone cheating cos of the effect it can have on partners.... and some interesting statements by bisexuals about how its not cheating if its with the same gender etc etc lol

you feel like you are not the important one and being put on a shelf, but dude, you are the one she is with, has kids to and she is the one you want to marry..... if she says yes, you are definitely not put on the shelf.... you are the one she puts on a pedestal cos you are the one she has taken as a partner...... but yes I am aware that the issue has more to do with sex and bisexuality than anything else....

I have to ask about the 3some, how actively involved do you want to be, as you talk about wanting to understand and support her, but most of what you refer to, is understanding and supporting her by being in the same bed with her and another female..... and understanding and supporting a partner is often beyond the bedroom... and having a 3some is not really supporting her and understanding her... its having sex with her and another person....

a example of what I am trying to say there, is best shown by things like morning sickness, you understand and support her during morning sickness bouts, but most guys will not go into the toilet every morning and ram their fingers down their throats until they vomit, to get a feel of what the poor female is dealing with......they are content with telling their wife they care and how they sympathize with their wives..... so the person that is bi makes the rules? Help me to understand that.

[Long Duck Dong]

the person that is bi, makes the rules... is something that some people feel is the way that a relationship should be run..... cos the bisexual has wants rights and needs and they should not be denied them at all... even at the expense of the partners rights and choices within the relationship

the trouble with that, is open and closed relationships can not be compromised, you can not have a compromise where a monogamous person agrees to a monogamous relationship and a open natured person agrees to a open relationship.... so some people have the view that the bisexuals rights should prevail...... hence we see at times, threads about bisexuals that are going outside of the marriage and behind their partners backs for sex, and use the reasoning that they want to keep their partner but not be denied their right to have sex....... and believe me, it has caused some good old debates... and some nasty arguments in the forums.....

a bisexual like your partner, has the right to say if she is ok with a 3some or not, if she has sex with a female in front of you or not.... and you as her partner, have the right to say where you stand on the issue, if you are ok with her being with other people in the house or away from it....... but neither you or your partner have the right to dictate the terms to another person about what they are expected to do, IE have sex with you and your partner in a 3some, it can only be a option for the third person... as they have rights too......

the difficulty is that a person has the rights in regards to their own body and their conduct, but not the right to deny others their rights.... something that goes both ways in a relationship, hence, you have the right to say no to your partner being with other people and you have the right to say fuck you, relationships off if she ignores you and does it anyway... she has the same rights to say fuck you, relationships off, if you deny her her bisexual nature and she has the right to say no to having 3 somes with you and her female partner...... or 3somes with you and a female partner you bring into the relationship...... but she doesn't have the right to decide to deny your rights to walk away from the relationship cos she wants to exercise her bisexual nature outside of the agreed terms.....

if you read the forums, you tend to notice that some bisexuals will use any number of reasoning / excuses etc as to why they do the things they do, and how its near always the partners fault....... and so yes, bisexuals can get a bad rep cos of it........

most bisexuals are willing and very happy to reach a compromise in the relationship / marriage that works for both partners...... but not always, sometimes there are the relationships where having a open relationship is not a option and some where the terms of sexual play can not be compromised upon... IE the 3somes between you and your partner and the 3rd person...... and unfortunately in those cases, it will either result in a deadlock or one partner yields, or a compromise is reached that works for everybody......


so after that really confusing wall of text.... in a simple answer, the bisexual can make a lot of rules.. but you do not have to accept or agree to them and in doing so, you should not be denied the right to walk away from the relationship

[That Guy]

the person that is bi, makes the rules... is something that some people feel is the way that a relationship should be run..... cos the bisexual has wants rights and needs and they should not be denied them at all... even at the expense of the partners rights and choices within the relationship

the trouble with that, is open and closed relationships can not be compromised, you can not have a compromise where a monogamous person agrees to a monogamous relationship and a open natured person agrees to a open relationship.... so some people have the view that the bisexuals rights should prevail...... hence we see at times, threads about bisexuals that are going outside of the marriage and behind their partners backs for sex, and use the reasoning that they want to keep their partner but not be denied their right to have sex....... and believe me, it has caused some good old debates... and some nasty arguments in the forums.....

a bisexual like your partner, has the right to say if she is ok with a 3some or not, if she has sex with a female in front of you or not.... and you as her partner, have the right to say where you stand on the issue, if you are ok with her being with other people in the house or away from it....... but neither you or your partner have the right to dictate the terms to another person about what they are expected to do, IE have sex with you and your partner in a 3some, it can only be a option for the third person... as they have rights too......

the difficulty is that a person has the rights in regards to their own body and their conduct, but not the right to deny others their rights.... something that goes both ways in a relationship, hence, you have the right to say no to your partner being with other people and you have the right to say fuck you, relationships off if she ignores you and does it anyway... she has the same rights to say fuck you, relationships off, if you deny her her bisexual nature and she has the right to say no to having 3 somes with you and her female partner...... or 3somes with you and a female partner you bring into the relationship...... but she doesn't have the right to decide to deny your rights to walk away from the relationship cos she wants to exercise her bisexual nature outside of the agreed terms.....

if you read the forums, you tend to notice that some bisexuals will use any number of reasoning / excuses etc as to why they do the things they do, and how its near always the partners fault....... and so yes, bisexuals can get a bad rep cos of it........

most bisexuals are willing and very happy to reach a compromise in the relationship / marriage that works for both partners...... but not always, sometimes there are the relationships where having a open relationship is not a option and some where the terms of sexual play can not be compromised upon... IE the 3somes between you and your partner and the 3rd person...... and unfortunately in those cases, it will either result in a deadlock or one partner yields, or a compromise is reached that works for everybody......


so after that really confusing wall of text.... in a simple answer, the bisexual can make a lot of rules.. but you do not have to accept or agree to them and in doing so, you should not be denied the right to walk away from the relationship
So basically if I say yes to the relationship I abide by her terms or walk away.....wow!

[Long Duck Dong]

nope, compromise, dude, you are a person with rights too..... its a balancing act where somethings will not be able to be compromised.... IE if she has issues with you seeing her with another female, may not be able to be compromised as it could be a personal issue and they can not really be compromised...... but you can offer a compromise like you both try a 3some and see if there is a way that can be worked out for the benefit of both of you, which is a fair and reasonable stance

while that is a compromise, it can be seen as unreasonable if your partner doesn't want to bring a 3rd person into the house and the bed... but wants to retain her interest and sexual interaction with other females.... cos it means that you have to do the bulk of the compromising.... if you say 3some only in the bedroom if she wants her sexual interests and other people, you may get told that you are being selfish and unreasonable.... even tho you get what you seek and she gets her bisexual access to other females, cos it places her in the situation of where she has to compromise her stance that she wants sex with other females privately.....

nobody said that compromise in relationships was easy, and it is part of the reason why some bisexuals seek other bisexuals for relationships as its seen to be the easiest option yet that is not always the case, there have been some threads about two bisexuals in relationships that have not been able to compromise on equal terms......

so yeah.... you have rights, your partner has rights and there is a middle ground.... somewhere... its just finding it and both partners being willing to work towards a reasonable compromise that is the most difficult thing that you and your partner face....

[That Guy]

Thanks, that helps me out a bit more, she is reasonable, and we can have a civil conversation. I would Luke to Getty some example boundaries that people have mentioned.