Life is sad. Life is a bust. All you can do is do what you must.

[still_shy]

Good morning, sunshines! The title is from Buckets of Rain by Bob Dylan and I really feel that it sums up my feelings lately. For the last 6 months, I've been on the slippery slope to nowheresville. I know it's coming and can feel the inevitable crash with nothing to stop it. Anyone who's struggled with depression in their life knows what I'm talking about. My cycles are long, with periods of complete normalcy in between. Seems like when life turns to shit, so does my mental health. Funny how that works,huh? I'm not really sure.what the point of this.thread is, honestly. I'm going to the doctor, taking my meds, doing everything right yet I still feel the overwhelming sadness and hopelessness creeping in. I need to make some huge changes in my life, ones that I am terrified of. I have a feeling this bout of sadness is due to that.

So....heres my dilemma. I know what I need to do to change my life. How the hell do I find the courage and selfishness to just do it? Is finding your own happiness ok if ourIe sacrificing someone elses happiness for your own? I just don't know. Courage is a tough thing to obtain.
If you read this, thanks for "listening". Sometimes just being heard helps more than any advice. Sorry about all the errors. My smartphone is a bitch :)

[DuckiesDarling]

Hugs ya hon, just hugs ya hard and wishing you the strength you need to do what you need to do for you.

[Paddarick69]

you can try and put this change off forever but, whatever it is, it will just find a way to break through into your life anyway

[Long Duck Dong]

oh yeah.... you are speaking my language.......

the point of your thread is just a need to say something, anything, prove that you still have a voice and that people hear it...not just a echo of your own voice in the darkness....

there was a saying in the army about courage under fire and how the most heroic people, did not do their heroic deeds cos they had cast iron balls, nerves of steel and grit in their eye.... its more cos they were too distracted to cower in a fox hole and shit their pants..... something that I have found to be true, too many times in my life.... and its why facing down guys with knives and fists never scared me, but things that I had to face, like the housework, did..... specially when I had hit the wall and was struggling to get back on my feet again....

being selfish is even harder cos there are times it can go against your very nature of not being selfish and thinking only of yourself and not others....and that can make it harder when you are trying to justify it in terms of its better for everybody involved.....
its easier when you are on a depressive *bottoming out * I have found, as the loneliness and sadness becomes a type of buffer, but if you are at a normal stage, it can cause you to slip into a depressive cycle.......

fear is often referred to as False Evidence Appearing Real or our worries, concerns and anxieties taking on a life of their own... and for depressed people, thats a truth that is so real.... its not so much that they fear things, but aspects of their nature become like a mortal enemy with a life of its own.......

trouble is we can have all the friends in the world to support us, but it can still be a individual fight to get back to our feet, tho having those friends, makes a world of difference when we need somebody just to feel sorry for us, cos it can help us get angry enuf to get the changes done....

so I am going to put on my big gurls panties.... no wait, they are DD's... they are 20 sizes too small in the front..... and they do not have the pink frilly laces bits on the....... oh TMI sorry.......

how about we just give you a hug and hold ya hand... and be a sounding board for you.... even if all you want to do is talk about the state of the 12 toes on the 5th foot of the man in the moon..... cos even just the chance to say something... anything.... can make a difference.....

hugs :angel: :stoned::three:

[void()]

I have recently began reading _Atlas Shrugged_ in earnest. It is helping become more comfortable in moving away from altruism. Rand suggests a bit of selfish is alright, especially if one creates or produces. At present, I have a few ideas for novels being outlined and some short stories harboring attention. Later on, hope to also begin learning to do woodworking as a gentle hobby.

No desire is left to work for others. What I do will be fun for me and not quite work. If I can get offered some modest pay for it, bonus. If not it won't matter. Family is understanding.

[elian]

There is no "your happiness" and "somebody else's happiness" because you can't own happiness. Can you save rays of sunshine in a box for a rainy day? I think what you are talking about is rather, "sense of security" in the view of the world and to be honest, you can't control someone else's sense of security - only they can do that.

Be honest with yourself, don't hold yourself hostage, be loving with yourself, be patient until you can genuinely see who you are and accept that, accept your fears, they are a part of who you are - but also recognize that your fears do not own you. If you believe that all people have the potential to be loving, honest, do good, all people seek out happiness then to the degree you accept yourself when you turn and face your fear you will see it for what it is..

It is scary to feel vulnerable, there are certainly very painful things you will go through in this life, but remember that you will be stronger for having gone through the experience and faced it with a loving heart. You are not alone, you have the support of friends, family who have also had trials and you have spiritual help, faith and with that even though you can't see it, you should understand that you have a lot more potential then you may be aware of right now. Let go of the circumstances of "now" and believe in that potential. It's a big risk, but if you honestly feel like you're stuck right now maybe that pain will propel you to learning your next big lesson.

I have been leaning a lot on this Buddhist nun to explain some of these concepts but I don't know, it just sort of makes sense. The more attached you are to things, the more you fear to lose them, but sometimes we outgrow things and it's time to move on. The universe sometimes brings a lesson to our doorstep and you can either struggle against it, or you can accept it, experience it and try to learn from it. When you realize that the universe ALWAYS provides for us in one way or another - well it's a big leap of faith but it is worth it.

Don't just live to be "happy", dare to dream, even if you falter along the way (and you will) you still have *lived* your life and not just "survived". Happiness does not and should not LEAD life, but it will naturally follow someone who is doing what a joyful heart calls them to do. Take solace in the fact that we ALL falter in life, you are in good company.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7dtLIXE5fU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIOaJ7g09YM

You will always encounter negative emotions, it is how you react to them that determines how deeply your depression will affect you. A quote from the comments in the last video..

"Paying open minded attention to your own emotions-- especially those which we berate ourselves for feeling-- is already an act of kindness to ourselves. By just giving space to our fears, resentments, etc., we are holding them in awareness somewhat like a mother holds a crying baby in her arms. Even if the voices within are self-condemning, by letting them be and paying them attention we can discover a deeper layer of kindness that allows the self-condemnation to occur without pushing it away."

Love yourself, something does not have to be "perfect" to be beautiful.

[MtnMan]

I like elian's advice. Introspection often leads to ennui, which leads further down that slippery slope you mentioned. If you're like most intelligent people, your mind will entertain itself every waking moment, one way or another. Pour in the positives! If you're physically stuck in a situation, get out of it; either far out such as moving to a new community, or at least a weekend excursion where you spend time and money doing something different. If it's emotional, then line up your triggers like some sort of carnival game and knock them off. You are in charge and the fences of your gulag are imaginary. I counseled high risk teens for years, and one thing they had in common with the rest of us is understanding that their frustrations are almost always self-induced, academically, socially, emotionally, and physically. Re-define yourself to yourself, then re-brand yourself to others. "I'm the shy, guarded person you've always known," to "I'm the smiling, mysterious, quiet person you haven't gotten to know yet." You get the idea.

[Realist]

Shy,

I can't add anything to such eloquent advice. But, as one who has been in similar circumstances, I can tell you that none of the recommendations above are out of line.

I feel your pain and hope that you soon find relief for your heart and soul.

Hugs.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Hey Babygirl. I was hoping the move would have helped a bit, but it seems it didnt all the way. Depression is a hurtful thing, and sometimes it takes more than meds and doctors to fix it. I dont know what life changing step you need to take, but sometimes those steps need to be taken, and I wish you well. Just make sure your making the right moves for all of the right reasons.
If you need to talk you know where I am. Also, I have a Nephew close to you there who has a sympathetic ear and strong shoulders. Sometimes it helps to talk to an objective person. :} He and his wife are good people. Non-Lifestyle, but good people..:}
Drop me a line later and lets chat.
Luvs ya Girlie.
Cat (Mama)

[still_shy]

Thanks everyone for all the kind words. I very much appreciate them.

[onewhocares]

Hi Miss Shy,

First, and foremost...it is NOT, I say NOT selfish in any shape or form to want and need to make changes in your life to move toward the future. Yes, I agree it is scary. I know for me, in the past and occassionally in the near past, I have hid from reality and hoped that others would make changes in my life, but I found out that did not work because I was not a part or had input into those changes...so I had to learn to do them myself. I found that if I took one small step, a step that someone else may have nto even considered a step..and it helped then I did another one. For me procrastination was and still is an issue. What helped me was watching the strength my teenage daughter had to try and form her your life in order and SHE gave me strength. One day at time, one small step at a time works for me.

You know I am always here for you. I might take Cat's offer of a shoulder to lean on and a friend to talk to.

Belle in Boston

[Prince of Thieves]

I can relate with what you said. I'm diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I noticed you spoke of taking your meds. Just a thought, but maybe it's time to talk to your doctor, or another doctor, about them, as they don't seem to be working "completely", not that they ever will, medication works in mysterious ways, but it could always be better, and if you're still having depressive episodes (and they seem major by how you describe them--you use the term 'crash'), it might be time to try something else. I know from experience its frustrating to start over with meds. I went through several doctors over the years and tried everything, and it wasn't until I met the one who I could have an open, honest dialogue, and tell my needs and expectations about the medication that I found the right protocol and had success with my BPD, which translated to success in my life. Remember, the doctors work for you. They don't know exactly how the medication works. And in most cases are working by trial and error, based on their experience and what you tell them. Therefore, what you say, or don't say is critical in your healing. I wish you luck, babe. And hope I said something that might help.

[still_shy]

I agree that the meds probably aren't working to their fullest capacity but, at this point, I'm not willing to go on anything stronger or change what I take. After a lifetime of.going of and on meds and experimenting with the dosages, frankly I'm just worn out on it. I really do think that the medication is doing the best it can for me right now. The rest is purely situational. Until I make the changes I need to, I fear this black cloud will hover.
I'm not deliberately being evasive about what's going on. Just not ready to discuss it yet.
I will say that it has nothing to do with being bisexual. I don't want anyone to get.the wrong impression. I'm completely comfortable with my attraction to women and not in. the least bit conflicted about that.
Today I begin waging the war against myself in. earnest. I refuse to let this crap win. Thanks again, for.your support and kindness. I have renewed home in this site once again. Drew you are my hero of the.day.

[csrakate]

Hugs to you!

[12voltman59]

Most of us have been where you are at some point in our lives--I know that I certainly was--I got very low at one point but over time---I pulled myself back from the brink--for me--several things helped to pull me out of that deep funk---even though I could not play music---it was by listening to favorite songs---many of them actually sad or dark ones that helped me get through those feelings and experiences and diving into trying to figure out things like spirituality and other related areas and later to try to live my life in a more 'creative" way which over time has lead me from doing things like writing, art, photography and now getting into video production- with me right now---learning how to do things like working with video editing programs---now---that is something that will make ya crazy!!!!

My point, is that we are capable of finding our way out of the darkness--its not easy and it does take time---I am 20 something years removed from the worst of those times and yes--sometimes I take a few steps back--but I now think that I have the ability to keep on going---as much as anything---and this is not easy----I have come to the point in my life that I pretty much do things I want to do in my own way and don't allow myself to swayed or controlled too much by the dictates of so many of the dysfunctional messages and such that we get from our "plastic culture."


Of course--you are already doing one step--being under the care of a doctor and taking meds to try to help alleviate your "symptoms"---that helped me as well in the past.

Good luck, hang in there.