The Straight husband

[drmike]

Three years ago, my wife revealed to me that she is bisexual.

I am a 37 year old married man. We have been happily married for 16 years. She is the most loving woman I have ever met. My attraction to her physically and emotionally has always been so strong that I perpetually feel at a loss as to how I could be so lucky or blessed to have her. We have 3 children and life is wonderful.

Our sex life is great. Except for a couple of months, three years ago, the entire 16 years of our marriage we have been sexually blissful. We have been one of those couples that have sex 4 or 5 times a week. It has always been passionate and fulfilling; for her more often than not it is “fulfilling” 2 or 3 times per session.

We are also a highly religious couple. We were raised believing sex outside marriage is wrong. She and I lost our virginity to each other, and until just recently had only been with each other.

Three years ago, my wife began to complain about sex. Our sex life hadn’t changed and physically she was still being pleased, finding fulfillment during the physical act of sex, but I could tell that something was wrong. Her complaints were mostly along the lines of, “Why is sex so much easier for men?” or “Why do men get to just screw anytime they want while women have to work up to it, or be in the mood?” I’d ask her what was wrong, but she would just close up and not talk about it.

Then one night she opened up to me. It was terrible. It was truly one of the darkest nights I’d ever had. She explained to me that she would often cry after we had sex. She told me that the only way she could reach climax was to think about someone else. She said that she would think about girls while we copulated and that she hated sex. She hated God for making her. I was devastated.
A number of emotions went through me as I struggled the next few days to get my mind around how best to address the situation. I knew enough to understand that sexual preferences couldn’t be arbitrarily changed or chosen. She was bi-sexual and there was no getting around that. She had tried to suppress those feelings and it wasn’t working. All of her efforts only created guilt. She felt like she was cheating on me in her mind.

I knew I had to ease her guilt. I assured her that I understood and shared her attraction to girls. In fact, it is hard for me to understand how someone could not like girls. Their soft, sensual bodies are the stuff dreams are made of. I told her that I too fantasize about girls and desire them, though I would never stray from her because she possessed all that I needed, yet the thought of doing so was… attractive.

We began to break the ice by discussing what girls were the hottest to her. It was kind of like a game. She would look through a gallery of attractive pictures of women on the internet or in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue and pick the ones she liked most, then I would go through them and pick the ones I thought she’d like, or tell her my favorite and see if they’d match up. Over months of her opening up through activities similar to this, her guilt began to fade and our sex life returned back to the glory days. With the guilt suppressed, she stated that she only occasionally had to fantasize about women to orgasm, more often it was simply by enjoying me. (Not that I had a problem either way.)

About a year later, we began to explore the idea of going to a strip club. Even I had never been to one. We both had a blast, and the sex when we got home that night was awesome. Going to the club was like fuel for our relationship. It seemed like for a month after that first trip to the club, we tore each other’s clothes off each night as soon as the kids went to bed. We became like wild beasts.

After many trips over the next two years, we decided we wanted more. We’ve kept things as discreet as possible, but have had a couple threesomes. She doesn’t seem to want a relationship with a woman, she just wants the sex. She also seems to enjoy the chase a bit.

For me, the threesomes are enjoyable, but I could set them aside and be just fine. The girls we have met so far have been very attractive, but not as sexy as my wife. I play along like I get more from it than I do, just to keep her happy.

My biggest fears are that she isn’t really into me physically; that she is instead only telling me she’s attracted to me to make me feel better. I know she loves me. When she is drunk and willing to talk openly, she’ll tell me that she has absolutely no desire to be with other men. She says she just couldn’t picture it. She says that some men are “good looking” to her, but not at all attractive in a sexual way. And yet she maintains that she loves me and loves having sex with me. So maybe this fear is just because of my own insecurities.

We don’t know where this will lead. She has told me that her hopes are that she can explore this lifestyle for a bit then lay it aside after the curiosity and excitement of it all has faded. Maybe she’ll tire of the chase. Maybe she’ll one day seek the emotional companionship of a woman. (Though I hope instead I will continue to fulfill those needs.) She may even decide one day that she no longer cares for men at all and sets me aside. No man, or woman, knows what their future holds. My only hope is that she and I are forever as one, with a life of happiness and full of healthy,great sex.

[Gearbox]

It does seem pretty awful the night you describe as your darkest night. But really, what she did was probably the first honest thing she has done in her entire life. She quit pretending, and started communicating with you and herself. God knows how many wives are still pretending in the world, and it's a real shame.
You should really take credit for being the kind of husband that she could confide in. She obviously sees you as much more than just a husband.

Yes it might all fade away for her, and things will settle back down to 'normality' for both. But this maybe HER 'normal', and she may never get enough exploring done as long as she lives.
You should tell her how you feel about 3somes. Also that you worry about her attraction to you. If you let those insecurities fester, they'll only get worse. Practice honesty together and forget about worrying.

If you really want to be 'as one' with your wife forever, IMO you have to stop predicting the possible 'happy' future, and start making possibilities 'happy' ones. No matter what happens, what possibilities arise, be there with love and support for her. If she loves you, she'll do the same.
You've already been a great husband. I doubt she'd be happy in any lifestyle without you, and I can't see how you'd think that either. So try not to worry about that.

[DuckiesDarling]

Three years ago, my wife revealed to me that she is bisexual.

For me, the threesomes are enjoyable, but I could set them aside and be just fine. The girls we have met so far have been very attractive, but not as sexy as my wife. I play along like I get more from it than I do, just to keep her happy.



Thanks for sharing your story, but the part I quoted stands out to me. It's awesome that you want to make her happy but don't do it at the expense of your own happiness. If you are not comfortable in a threesome, tell her. She's been open and honest with you and you seem to be very supportive and love her very much. So be open and honest with her about your thoughts and put aside the fears of what may happen as that will color everything from now on. Just love her and be loved by her and if she wants to play on her own, if you are comfortable with that and her being safe, then let her. You do not have to join in on every sexual escapade to prove you love your wife just as if the shoe was on the other foot she wouldn't have to join in every one of your sexual escapades, what is important is that after one of them you and she reconnect. Do something that is purely you two, doesn't have to be sex, could be a nice massage or watching a movie or just holding each other.. but reaffirm that bond and that will help a bit with your fears and give both of you the needed reassurance that the relationship is as strong now or stronger than before she told you. Hugs and I wish the best for you and your partner.

[elian]

Hmm, "She wishes God didn't make her" - boy have I been THERE before. It's hard not to think of it as a curse when society says it is shameful.

It is not easy being bisexual, but GOD never told me that he would punish me for loving other men, society did that. What little conversation I imagine I've had wtih God on the topic I think he actually said, "I just want you to be happy." this was after years of struggling with being able to actually admit that it was okay. I get the impression that he would've rather liked it if I had a wife and children too but my life has changed - I won't rule it out, but I don't know if I will ever be able to recover that part of the plan. I found out that I was attrracted to men first and so I waited on getting married. Not all people are that lucky, a lot of them discover their feelings after the fact..they may be ashamed to admit it - to their spouse, to themselves..thank you for being there.

Bisexual people really do either love or attraction for both. Based on your description it sounds as though you both love each other deeply and care very much for one another. You have both said that you find the idea of having a dedicated relationship with other partners of the opposite sex unappealing but you have grown to love and care for each other - that is a blessing.

I know it is scary but your relationship is strong, your love is strong - if you fear that she will abandon you I don't think that will happen - you both love each other and you love your children. . I'm not sure of a safe, easy way to tell her about your fears but if she loves you that deeply I don't think she will just up and walk away. Even if things aren't exactly the way you envision she still LOVES you, she still comes home to you..

I will keep both of you in my thoughts.

[Long Duck Dong]

nice post mike.......

I have to say, reading your story was a pleasure... the way you and your wife have been open, honest, communicating and sharing.... and the love that is evident in your post is so strong, so grounded..... it made reading your story very enjoyable.....

I can see a lot of aspects to you both that would have caused a good deal of issues in other couples, and to read how you both have worked thru them, is a testament to your love and trust, respect and consideration for each other, and dare I say, your faith in god during the * darker hours * of your wives revelation, is also something that has happened you both in your relationship.....

your method of talking with your wife, is something that a lot of people could learn from.... the sharing of understandings, interests, desires..... even the talking about how you find females attractive and there is something about being with another woman that is appealing, but not something that actually interests you..... it can help your partner feel like you can relate to them on so many different levels..... I applaud you on that.. and wish so many other people would do the same thing.... it can help couples see how much they share in common but never really acknowledge..... it would help so many relationships where a bisexual person comes out to their partner and people focus only on the permission to have sex with other people, aspect......

ladies have a way of seeing the future in a sense as they tend to understand that their bodies can change a lot cos of things like childbirth, menopause and hormonal changes.... so your wives attitude about how things may change with her sexual desires, in the future, is something that she is keeping a open mind about..... its a healthy stance to have and its more common in women as males generally do not have to deal with the same issues so we can have a different viewpoint.....

your fear may be because of your insecurities but its a natural, healthy part of you, do not see it in a negative light... as it helps you set boundaries that keep the relationship balanced, and I dare say that your partner has a few insecurities of her own, that do the same thing.......but you need to listen to your partner when she says ( with words and actions ) how much she loves you and wants to remain your partner..... cos based around your post, it comes across like you both want to grow old together and enjoy looking back over your marriage at your 50th anniversary and enjoying thinking about all the reasons that you both still love each other so much and how much more that love has grown over the years that you have been together and shared your lives together.......

so hugs for you and your wife, for such a wonderful, shared story...... its definitely one that has put a smile on my face......

[bityme]

Three years ago, my wife revealed to me that she is bisexual.

After many trips over the next two years, we decided we wanted more. We’ve kept things as discreet as possible, but have had a couple threesomes. She doesn’t seem to want a relationship with a woman, she just wants the sex. She also seems to enjoy the chase a bit.

For me, the threesomes are enjoyable, but I could set them aside and be just fine. The girls we have met so far have been very attractive, but not as sexy as my wife. I play along like I get more from it than I do, just to keep her happy.

My biggest fears are that she isn’t really into me physically; that she is instead only telling me she’s attracted to me to make me feel better. I know she loves me. When she is drunk and willing to talk openly, she’ll tell me that she has absolutely no desire to be with other men. She says she just couldn’t picture it. She says that some men are “good looking” to her, but not at all attractive in a sexual way. And yet she maintains that she loves me and loves having sex with me. So maybe this fear is just because of my own insecurities.

We don’t know where this will lead. She has told me that her hopes are that she can explore this lifestyle for a bit then lay it aside after the curiosity and excitement of it all has faded. Maybe she’ll tire of the chase. Maybe she’ll one day seek the emotional companionship of a woman. (Though I hope instead I will continue to fulfill those needs.) She may even decide one day that she no longer cares for men at all and sets me aside. No man, or woman, knows what their future holds. My only hope is that she and I are forever as one, with a life of happiness and full of healthy,great sex.

I have to agree with DuckiesDarling. You have to be as honest with her as she is with you. Not only about your enjoyment of the threesomes, but also about your fears, etc.

Considering the fact that her reliance on thinking about women when you had sex subsided after she opened up and you helped her resolve the guilt, it does not appear that you should fear her not being into you physically. Her bisexual desires are not tied to her heterosexual desires. A desire for multiple female partners is certainly reasonable when viewed from the standpoint of not wanting a relationship with a woman, but just having sex. Having developed an interest in women does not mean there will be a corresponding interest in other men; probably quite the opposite.

As DD suggested, if you don't really enjoy the threesomes, let her play alone. Or just watch. Watching your wife receiving pleasure from another can be a real turn-on. It can also be a learning experience. You have a marvelous opportunity to observe her reaction to different stimuli. Mechanically, a man can do almost anything to a woman that another woman can. What we lack is the smooth bodies, soft curves, and, often, the gentle touch of a woman. By observation, you can learn to modify some of the things you do to give her even greater pleasure when you are alone together.

In the, currently unlikely, event she does develop some emotional attachment with another woman, it does not automatically follow that her love for, or emotional attachment with, you will diminish or terminate. Humans have a great capacity for loving others. We are not restricted to a one-at-a-time rule. Overcoming you insecurities about these areas will only help to strengthen your relationship. There are never any guarantees, but keeping open, honest lines of communication going between the two of you will serve you well.

In the meantime, keep that great sex life you have going and thriving.

Pappy

[Prince of Thieves]

I don't have anything to add in the way of advice. It seems there's plenty of good advice above. I just wanted to say the love you and your wife share really came through in your words, and moved me. I wish you and your family good fortune.

[elian]

With regard to men having it "so easy" during sex - I have heard that a lot of men concentrate on physical needs - eating, sleeping, having sex whereas women need some emotional context; I don't think it's any coincidence that there are aisles FULL of romance novels at the store. :)

This is a rather personal question, and you don't have to answer but do you, or would you both ever consider using toys, fingers, lips, etc. on each other in bed or is it pretty much "straight sex" ? I'm almost blushing asking you that question but still it may be important..if you aren't used to doing that then as pappy says there may be some learning involved but it's not necessarily bad.

Even better than all the toys and sex in the world though is what you do when you're NOT in bed. The most satisfying basic need that a lover can fullfill is to let their beloved know that even with all of the flaws they love the other deeply and unconditionally...love is patient, love is kind, it is not boastful, it is not rude..etc. If you let your wife know that you love her for who she is, and she does the same for you then "good sex" may naturally flow out of that love. ..and even if it doesn't perhaps practicing that still puts both of you in a better place anyway.

As Mother Theresa says, "The hunger for love and appreciation is a lot harder to fill then the hunger for bread."

[gen11]

drmike, you are the first person I've seen to post here who understands and practices the true meaning of love. You have my deep respect.

[Paddarick69]

as someone who's in similar shoes as your wife, the bisexual spouse, I can relate to her feeling of members of the opposite sex (besides you) leaving her cold and that this is not likely to be a sign of shifting sexual orientation... since FULLY outing myself to my wife (only way I can describe it) and her acceptance (lol - still an ongoing process but she's a trooper!) my normal level of flirtiness and noticing and woman-directed sexual energy when I'm out and about in the world has almost vanished! it's really weird!! haha! I'm not hostile or anything, I'm just NOT interested! I think this is a result of being allowed to be secure enough in the marriage to run wild with feelings long-suppressed or not fully-recognized and this part of my sexuality is just too exhilarating and new to make me think about any woman but my wife... plus the straight spouse's acceptance wins a loyalty that cannot be fully expressed in words, it's simply VERY powerful (this is probably a shade higher among bi husbands, with male bisexuality being less popular in the public mind?)... anyway, I don't think you have anything to worry about concerning her "turning lesbian"; she chose husband, marriage, children - the opposite-sex attraction (and all its possibilities) is the defining side of her sexuality... and you two were very grown adults when she identified in some "out" way as bisexual, I'd say it's an identity that's gonna stick

and, hey, always let her know dissatisfactions, they're likely to just fester otherwise

good luck, brother :)

[Paddarick69]

err, maybe not "defining side" of her sexuality but the more powerful sexual pull... her defining side of her sexuality is BOTH sides

[drmike]

Thank you, everyone. This is a supportive group! I’m glad I opened up here.

I agree that it is important that I am open to her, and for the most part I am. The threesomes are absolutely not something I despise, I do enjoy them. I just wouldn’t do them without her. Much like watching a “girly flick.” it is more a compromise. The group sex allows her to explore her needs without feeling bad for me. I have suggested she have a 1 on 1 friend, but she says, “I wouldn’t do that to you.”

I’m sure if we meet someone she is very into, I may be able to get her to go at it alone, but we’ll see.

I am more open regarding my insecurities, because I believe that matters more. I have talked to her about my feelings and she has assured me that she’d never leave me for anyone, but I believe that remains a real risk however small it may be. If she and I are probing a new lifestyle, we risk the chance of discovering something out there or within ourselves that will challenge our current situation. But I also believe that if we keep communication open we’ll remain dedicated to each other.

She has said that she hates “dragging me through this.” But I’ve never been closer to her than we are now, so I’m glad she opened up.

To answer Elian ‘s question. We are very explorative in the bedroom. We’re like Lewis and Clarke. It’s one of the reasons she also wants me there for the threesomes. She feels like she wants to share me with the world. I get off by pleasing her and have enjoyed exploring other girl’s needs. It’s part of why that night she opened up was so hard for me. She told me that she hated sex and my desire is to please her. (I learned with further discussions in the coming weeks that it was the guilt she hated and not the act.)

Paddarick69, I like your insight into why a committed bi doesn't seek out their already filled hetero options.

Thnx guys!