the anguish of sexual identity and acceptance...your not alone !!!

[biblkman]

I see soo many men and a few women on this site and other sites who have story's about having a hard time comming to terms with there sexual identity and trying to get a better understanding of what that means for them and how to express these feelings with a partner.

And it truly saddens me. Cause I know exactly what they are going through as well as a lot of people here do.

The long hard and painful journy of finding out who you are is a difficult one.

For me I remember the guilt, pain, confusion and emptiness I felt.

It was hard, after I told my lady about my m/m experience she ran me into the ground, she was brutal...she called me gay at every turn if we got in an argument she would call me a faggot, even when our arguments had nothing to do with sex. I started to hate myself !

On top of all these new feelings..or feelings I suppressed, and fear of someone finding out, the shame I felt and the isolation I felt cause I didn't have anyone like me to talk to. Coupled with my lady's regularly insults when she got upset with me made me want to find a dark hole and disappear.

After months and years of feeling alone and my lady's bombardment, I started to grow stronger ! The more she insulted the more I held my head high, and the more I held my head high the less I cared about being accepted by society, family, friends or my lady.

She saw this and stopped her insults, It was than I realized she was afraid, she felt I was going to be gay thought the insults would make me more ashamed, embarrassed, and guilty than I already was and it would keep me from being bi or gay.

But it only forced me to accept who I really am. We've worked through all that and my sexuality isn't realy an issue, every now and again she wonders if I'm seeing a guy behind her back and I reassure her I'm not and we go on.

I guess what I'm trying to say is it can be hard, and when I see so many people going through the same mental, physical and emotional anguish as I did, my heart hurts for them, cause I know what they are feeling.

So for those of you out there who have came apon this site but have never posted or reached out to someone...remember your not aloan !

And if your here cause you want to understand a bi partner, friend , or family member...than I thank you !

This site and the people here have helped me more than I can possibly express, Thank you all !

[Long Duck Dong]

one of the things that I have found very interesting, is that some bisexuals struggle badly with finding acceptance within their own community...or finding a reason to be a part of it...

it can be very hard to be accepted by others as a bisexual but its also hard for so many to find acceptance with their own community and that, sadly, is something that some of my friends have found.... their desire and interest in people as just friends and not sex partners, has caused some very nasty incidents and the ironic part of some of it is that the people that dish out the abuse, are also the same people that complain about the image that some people have of bisexuals as people that will get into bed with anyone as long as it means getting laid....

sometimes its not the bisexuality that is really the issue that some people find to be the reason that others react adversely, its often that the partner is scared about how being the partner of a bisexual, is going to affect them and the relationship... and they also do not have that much experience around bisexual people, so they only have their understanding of bisexuals and bisexuality, to go on......

its part of the reason why I tell people that talking to a partner, goes both ways, its not just a cause of learning that a partner is bisexual and how to give them permission, but also for a bisexual person to learn to listen to their partners wants, needs, desires and fears and be as accepting of their opinions and feelings as we ask them to be of ours......

understanding bisexuals and bisexuality is far more difficult than handing a person a book or showing them a forum post, as that still doesn't tell them about us as people, as individuals and how unique as people, our sexuality and sexual interests can be.....and the same goes for our partners.... its why we are so lucky to have the partners that listen, learn and understand about us.... and why they are so lucky to have honest bisexual partners that talk with their partners about being bisexual....

[Meliss]

Manipulation is not only done to change others, it is also used to try to keep someone from changing. We all have fears. The wife fears her man will leave her. The man may fear his woman will want him less or not at all should she experience a much larger or thicker cock. A lot of fears are justified.

After all who each of is changes all the time. The you of today might not even like the you or 5 or 10 years ago. About the only thing all people can eventually agree up is life with others can be more pleasant than a life alone. Hugs!

[Gearbox]

one of the things that I have found very interesting, is that some bisexuals struggle badly with finding acceptance within their own community...or finding a reason to be a part of it...

it can be very hard to be accepted by others as a bisexual but its also hard for so many to find acceptance with their own community and that, sadly, is something that some of my friends have found.... their desire and interest in people as just friends and not sex partners, has caused some very nasty incidents and the ironic part of some of it is that the people that dish out the abuse, are also the same people that complain about the image that some people have of bisexuals as people that will get into bed with anyone as long as it means getting laid....

sometimes its not the bisexuality that is really the issue that some people find to be the reason that others react adversely, its often that the partner is scared about how being the partner of a bisexual, is going to affect them and the relationship... and they also do not have that much experience around bisexual people, so they only have their understanding of bisexuals and bisexuality, to go on......

its part of the reason why I tell people that talking to a partner, goes both ways, its not just a cause of learning that a partner is bisexual and how to give them permission, but also for a bisexual person to learn to listen to their partners wants, needs, desires and fears and be as accepting of their opinions and feelings as we ask them to be of ours......

understanding bisexuals and bisexuality is far more difficult than handing a person a book or showing them a forum post, as that still doesn't tell them about us as people, as individuals and how unique as people, our sexuality and sexual interests can be.....and the same goes for our partners.... its why we are so lucky to have the partners that listen, learn and understand about us.... and why they are so lucky to have honest bisexual partners that talk with their partners about being bisexual....
And when (as the OP wrote) the bisexual does talk openly to the partner about being bisexual and gets abused for it, is that the bi communities fault too?:confused:
Maybe it has something to do with the fears of a staunch monog partner? There were a few little hints there about that, that you completely sidestepped, yet again ffs!

@OP- I'm glad you finaly got there and have come to terms with your sexuality. As you found out, it's not always easy to do that while in a monog relationship whether you intend to stay monog or not. I too have felt very sorry for many bi's who have endured pretty damn cruel treatment from their partners, but also have had warm feelings when I hear of some partners being accepting too.
It's a risky buisness, and takes a lot of guts to be open to the person you love. I hope those in your possition will take your example and try to 'hold their head up' as you did, but from the word "Go!". NOT easy! But very much worth every effort.:)

[ErosUrge]

How well I can relate to the OP. As I have explained and expressed a multitude of times with other threads, there was once a time I was in absolute turmoil about my sexuality. Without going into detail and repeating exactly the same as I have before, it was very difficult.

I've always been bi. I went from accepting myself this way in my late teens/early twenties to becoming confused for being bi. I thought that since I was emotionally and sexually interested in women but only sexually interested in men, something was amiss. This probably had more to do with the fear of rejection from family, friends, and society as a whole.

So I figured I could stop my appetite for male sex and attempted to turn away from it with the goal of only being with women and having a one on one relationship; my one and only. But I wasn't capable. For the next 16 years, I struggled and was in denial to myself that I was bi. And every single time I had sex with a male, I felt terrible afterward. I didn't like myself at all as I was in hiding about it to my second wife and to girlfriends before and after her. I had relationships with 2 women who knew and accepted it, but for other reasons we parted.

Finally I realized that I could no longer live with myself hiding and denying. Once I made peace with that, everything in my life opened up. I felt renewed and really alive. And from that point on, revealed to most of my closest friends that I was bi and with every woman that I had an interest in; only one of them could not accept it and we parted ways because of it. I let it be known from the very beginning. I am convinced that there is a woman who will understand and know that there are women who do.

No doubt, this site is overall a great community. Though there are many differing opinions and thoughts on various topics, we all share that one element in common in that we're bi. I am grateful for this place and many individuals here; Tenni and Gearbox to name two...there are many more of you too. Thanks everyone.

[DiamondDog]

Just because you're bisexual this does not mean that it's going to be this way for you with accepting yourself, or that you'll get with a partner who is not OK with your sexuality.

I've been out for decades and I tell all the people who I date or become friends with about my sexuality; but if I was with a partner and they were abusive, and had major trust issues with me like the OP's female partner I would not stay with them at all.

There's no point in staying or trying to make it work with someone who is being abusive or taking out their own issues onto you, and there are better people out there who do not do this and who will like you for who you are.

As I have written before on this site: Everyone is on their own path and self acceptance happens at different times for different people but whenever the time is right for that person.

[Long Duck Dong]

And when (as the OP wrote) the bisexual does talk openly to the partner about being bisexual and gets abused for it, is that the bi communities fault too?:confused:
Maybe it has something to do with the fears of a staunch monog partner? There were a few little hints there about that, that you completely sidestepped, yet again ffs!


I was talking in general about issues that many people can face in regards to bisexuality, being bisexual and being with a bisexual.... not biblkman, his relationship or his partner.... so don't accuse me of sidestepping a issue that I was not addressing in the first place....and do not try and make out that I am blaming the bisexual community for abusive partners, cos thats something I never said either..... its simply you trying to twist my words to fit your issues with monogamous people

[tenni]

"I was talking in general about issues that many people can face in regards to bisexuality, being bisexual and being with a bisexual.... not biblkman, his relationship or his partner.... so don't accuse me of sidestepping a issue that I was not addressing in the first place....and do not try and make out that I am blaming the bisexual community for abusive partners, cos thats something I never said either..... its simply you trying to twist my words to fit your issues with monogamous people"

Sir, what you were doing is bullshitting and off topic propagandizing your mantra against bisexuals. As an intersexed, asexual who self identifies as bisexual, that is your perspective. It hardly seems suitable for you to speak about an unknown bisexual community (in NZ perhaps?). As the OP states we read references on this site to a lack of acceptance of bisexual(in particular biguys) from hetero partners. Your mantra continues to be to slur bis and defend the behaviour heterosexuals. What some of us do not accept is a person calling themself bisexual but in reality have "issues" that colour their perception against bisexuals(in particular bimen). Why should an intersexed, asexual who self identifies as bisexual be given credence on stating what a "bisexual community" does or doesn't do? You just don't get it. Now, if you follow your pattern, you will attempt to present yourself as a victim and rant on for many posts if anyone dares to disagree with your propaganda...lol

[Gearbox]

I was talking in general about issues that many people can face in regards to bisexuality, being bisexual and being with a bisexual.... not biblkman, his relationship or his partner.... so don't accuse me of sidestepping a issue that I was not addressing in the first place....and do not try and make out that I am blaming the bisexual community for abusive partners, cos thats something I never said either..... its simply you trying to twist my words to fit your issues with monogamous people
So you thought you should jump in with YOUR general opinions of bisexuals (which are always negative), on a Biblkman's thread about bisexuals 'holding their heads up'?
If you bothered to read it, you'd see that SOME monog partners have issues, and YES I believe they should deal with them just as any bisexuals should. As you correctly say, "it works both ways!". I hope you start dealing with your own issues with bisexuals real soon too, coz it got very tiring long ago.
The best of luck with that.

[Long Duck Dong]

yeah.. I rest my case, you both proved what i said about how the bisexual community can not be accepting or tolerant of diversity within their own ranks....

I said it, your responses proved it

[tenni]

Post 10.........Victim statement 121126


It isn’t that you are intersexed that you are being criticized.
It isn’t that you are asexual that you are being criticized.
It isn’t that you self identify as bisexual but only on an emotional level(non sexual) that you are being criticized
Those seem to be merely some factors about you that colour your perception (of reality?)


You are criticized because you consistently make negative attacks and put down sexual bisexuals (in particular bi men) on a bisexual site. If you feel rejected change your behaviour and see what happens.