Urgent! Please Help! Married Man in need of advice!

[greenthumb95]

For the last 10 years or so, I have gone back and forth on whether or not I could be "bisexual" or curious about sexual acts with guys. I have often fantasized about going down on a guy, and look at porn that includes those types of sex acts as well. I have never had an actual experience with a man, but am extremely curious about the act of giving oral sex. However, I am married to an amazing woman, who grew up conservatively and isnt as open minded as I would like. Shes not homophobic, but doesnt have much exposure to these types of things. Recently, my urges to experiment have gotten intense, and frequent. I find myself talking to quite a few female friends, and even family members about my situation in regard to my sexual orientation. I really want to tell my wife, but I am scared beyond belief that she will not understand, and freak out on me. To be quite honest, the fact that I have never had an actual experience sexually may not mean I am bisexual, but I do know that the urge to give oral sex is intense. It seems as though I can talk to everyone but her abotu this, and it has recently came back to bite me, as a couple of her siblings had people tell them I was questioning them in regard to how i came off sexual orientation wise. How do I tell my wife i have fantasies about men? Is there a way to somehow "gauge" her reaction, to see how she might react..or if she currently suspects anything? it should also be noted that I get teased all the time, and have been teased all my life because people think i am gay, or have those tendencies. The following incident happened over a year ago. so i look at the craigslist casual encounters section..alot. never respond to any ads or anything..but i like looking at the couples looking for men section.i search bi couples alot. anyways, about 8 months ago..i left it up on the browser. she saw it. asked me about it that night, and was like why were you on that site? i freaked out immediately and told her it was a pop up, and that i didnt go there on purpose. shes like bull, i clicked back..and saw the pages you looked at. she then asked if i was curious about what type of people posted on there, thats what i told her i mean. she then flat out asks..you arent gay are you? i say no immediately and shes like, then its not a huge deal, just dont lie to me about it.[br>[br>Ultimately, what I would like out of this entire situation is acceptance. My end goal is her accepting this part of me. I have really hated myself for the last how many years because of these urges. I look at a man, and immediately think of how nice his penis might look , or taste..or feel inside of me. Up until lately, the urges were just for the penis..but now..they are towards a certain guy. They have grown in a sense. I get very nervous and anxious around him, not to mention very aroused. Problem is, he is the husband of my wifes best friend. The other reason I want to know what she thinks is because every now and then, she will make little jokes, or comments that indicate to me she suspects something at the very least. She will randomly ask me if I am gay, and play it off as a joke..then when I ask her if she thinks I am, she says Cant you take a joke, I am just giving you a hard time.


I honestly wish i knew exactly what my wife suspected/thought already..that way I think I could approach it better with her. If she does suspect something, then she is really good at hiding it because the times shes made jokes, i will ask her if she thinks i like men or something and immediately she says no.[br>[br>Another issue i am facing is i have talked to quite a few people. Her couple good friends know, which got to her sisters. The sisters said they wouldnt say anything and didnt want to get involved..but part of me wonders if someone will before i get a chance to talk to her. [br>[br>Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get more of an accurate read on her suspicions before I fully tell her?

We have kind of talked about it, my wife and i. But it was over electronic means of communication.

I am finding out who my true friends are with all of this, as a few of my guy friends wont even talk to me anymore. Was I wrong by talking to so many female friends?

The wife and I have discussed it somewhat, over IM and such while I was at work. She basically told me that unless I would ever leave her for a guy, why make a big deal about it, or discuss it? Advice pleasE!

My wife and I have an OK sex life. It doesnt happen very often, and is often quite boring when it does.

I should add that the last 4 times my wife and i have had sex, i cant reach orgasm at all. Thats not good, especially when we are trying to have a baby.
I guess I am just afraid to add more stress to her plate. She has a stressful job, there are alot of outside sources of stress and I guess I dont want to be another one of them. I mean, I honestly think she knows somewhat. She makes little jokes all the time..and when we were facebooking about it while i was at work, she told me that unless i want to leave her for a man, then she didnt want to discuss it, or make a big deal of it. I am also afraid that the amount of female friends and family members ive spoken with about it is going to haunt me, as it already has somewhat.

[Long Duck Dong]

your wife said do not lie to her..... that in itself is one of the biggest things that you need to listen to...... if you decide to come out to her, answer her questions honestly to the best of your ability

now reading your post, you both need to communicate a lot more, there is more issues in your marriage than you are sharing or maybe even aware of...... so your first priority needs to be what is more important to you.... sucking a guys dick, talking to other people, talking with your wife about the state of your marriage or talking with your wife and working on the marriage so that it can grow......

if you want a marriage that is strong, with a child.. and a chance for the doors to open for you to experiment with oral sex with another male, then you are going about it all wrong

there are danger signs there that speak loudly to me of the fact that now is DEFINATELY not a good time to be trying for a child,.... apparently there is a lot of stress going on in the marriage and around you both, and that will affect you both and may well be a big cause of the issues that you both are facing...... and that would be more first focus, it would be hard to suppress your urges and desires but in YOUR eyes, what is better... sucking a guys dick while your marriage falls apart or fantasising about a guys dick while you both work on your marriage and the communication and specially in your case, the honesty with your wife....

it would be easier to say to you to cheat on your wife and experiment with other guys behind your wives back to ease the stress on you... but hey, its not my marriage I would be risking, and I would not be the one that has to deal with the mess WHEN, not if, your wife finds out....

while talking to other people is a good idea, talking to so many people and NOT your wife, is not a good idea... cos it can appear to her like you can not be honest with your own partner, amongst other things.........

I will be honest, you could do all the work on the marriage, have a beautiful child together and still find that your dreams of sucking a dick, remain a dream.....but that is something that we all face and we never really know until we take the risk of being open with our partners..... some of the partners that people have, have turned out to be a unpolished jewel that becomes a partner that most people would give anything for.... and others appear like a unpolished gem that actually turns out to be sharp edged glass.......


I wish you the best of luck and I wish there was some easy way to fix things but harry potter lost all the magical wands, the genies bottle got recycled with the genie still in it and time travel in order to change things is not all it appears to be, its really the time it takes to travel from A to B while realising that you forget ya wallet and have to turn back to get it

[bisocialnudist]

Coming out as bi to our wives changes our lives forever. It is very hard to predict if coming out will become our worst nightmare or the beginning of a fabulous journey of personal happiness. Honesty seems to be higher on many wives lists than even our bi/gay sides. You are in a great place in that you are still in the questioning stage. Marriages that approach the coming out process as partners and friends who deal with it as an issue to find a solution just like any other issue that comes up in our marriage seem to have a higher degree of success.
Some marriages are more suited to "honey somethings been bothering me will you help me work through this?" than others.

The hardest thing is there is no "un- coming out" once we start that train in motion there is no stopping it. For many of us the need to live authentically as a self actualized person of who we really are eventually becomes important enough to take the risk. It took several years for my marriage to work out the new relationship dynamics but I now have a wonderful life as a bisexual with a loving accepting wife. In my case it was so worth it, sadly for each case like mine there are many where coming out does not end well. In fact it can turn life into a living hell, Sooo I have no magic answer for you but I can say that for some of us its the best thing we could have ever done for ourselves.

The effects of coming out to our wives can be so far reaching that I recommend you find a counselor experienced in mixed orientation marriages to guide you through the process . One common aspect of coming out is the initial reaction is often not how it ends up if the couple is willing to be patient. I have seen more than a few marriages look like immediate divorce on day one turn into happy vibrant marriages 3 years later. Baby steps and allowing time for the process to play itself out seem to also be important elements of success. Most of these Mixed Orientation Marriages require a lot of work to make work but for many of us it was so worth it.

There is also an online support group with both bi/gay spouses and straight spouses called MMOMW - Making Mixed Orientation Marriages Work. Joining that group could also help you make an informed decision.
Good luck

[indenver_indenver]

Perhaps you can test her feelings by saying to her that you, like most all, boys did have sex with another boy when you were, say 10 years old. You and another boy were just playing around with a girlie book you found in the woods. That sounds innocent enough - that all boys do it at one time or other. If she tells you that is disgusting, then you know you have to either give up your bi urges, lead a double life of secret meetings (not a good idea), or divorce her and find a woman who likes bisexual men.

But, what if you tell her the boy-hood story and she is fascinated and asks you if you sucked his cock, asks you if he came in your mouth? Then you know you may have hit the jackpot. Good luck.

[by~his~side]

You've been offered great advice from the other posters. I agree the most with creativebi. You need professional guidance on this.
If you scan the archives and read threads asking the same question you are, you will see that many marriages and relationships have
not survived the 'coming out' discussion. Possibly because the person in your situation just didn't know how to handle it properly.

A therapist or counselor may be able to help you see yourself and your true sexual orientation more clearly.
And take LDD's advice about starting a family at this point. Your marriage has enough to work through. A baby,
as wonderful and beautiful they are, will only complicate your situation.

Good Luck. Keep us updated, please
~D~

[lsufan1974]

You should talk to your wife, talking to her friends and siblings is insane, leads one to believe you want her to find out!

Your wife already knows and is dealing with it by saying, be honest, be monogamous and I wouldnt push that! Give her time and she will give you acceptance, if she didnt leave when she found craigslist open to bi couples - then I would say she is already more accepting than most wives!

Talk to you wife, be honest, walk this road with her or you may find yourself walking it alone!

Best of luck to you, wish you well!

[biblkman]

I see you posted an identical thread you posted in November....so what if anything has changed since than that prompted you to repost your thread ?

[querty]

Alot of great adivce here. I came out to my wife and it worked out great. We are in a great place.

My advice, above all else - be honest with your wife. Skip the hypotheticals an test questions. Try to avoid engaging in the discussion if you are intoxicated (a drink or two to loosen up, OK). I did the talk therapy thing first and it was very helpful.

Finally, given your post, I am certain your wife either knows already or strongly suspects something and is dropping opportunities to open the topic.

[Long Duck Dong]

lol biblkman.... november ? I can remember a number of them dating right back to january last year...lol.....

thats why I am curious as to why green is not working on the issue with his wife, instead of asking in the forums and his friends......

[elian]

Do you have any children? Sounds like you love your wife and you really need support to tell her the truth. Normally you'd probably get that support from her so the most natural thing to do is tell her -be gentle but honest if you can, and be sure to let her know that you would never leave her for another man if that is true.

I think you've gotten some decent advice here from others. Hopefully you can find a way to improve your sex life with your spouse..the first thing I would do is make it a lot less about the physical act of "having sex" and more about just spending time with each other nuzzling and being romantic. I would trade a month worth of sex for a week worth of just being able to be close, nuzzle and intimately share with the person I love.

I think it is normal to have trouble with orgasm if you are nervous, under a lot of stress or masturbate frequently. A lot of people have had thoughts about the same sex at some point in their life, that is nothing to be ashamed of. Hopefully if you do open up to your wife she will love you for the person you are..just as you love her. If she wonders how you could hide such a thing then hopefully she will understand how much you don't want to lose her.

My own personal feeling would lead me to be honest with my partner, relationships are built on trust. if you think it's hard to describe your THOUGHTS to her, imagine how much harder it would be if you decide to act on being with a man before you tell her?

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

I Thought this looked awfully familiar....TALK to the woman openly, honestly, and see her reaction to it, but I'm tellin ya now, you Dont tell her and continue talking to her friends and sibs, youre going to wind up in Deeep Do Do, my friend...and not in a fun way.
Good Luck
Cat

[greenthumb95]

You should talk to your wife, talking to her friends and siblings is insane, leads one to believe you want her to find out!

Your wife already knows and is dealing with it by saying, be honest, be monogamous and I wouldnt push that! Give her time and she will give you acceptance, if she didnt leave when she found craigslist open to bi couples - then I would say she is already more accepting than most wives!

Talk to you wife, be honest, walk this road with her or you may find yourself walking it alone!

Best of luck to you, wish you well!

Would you mind elaborating on what leads you to believe that she knows? I mean, the only time we have really talked is over facebook and text while i was at work.

[Long Duck Dong]

green......

1) finding what she did on your browser
2) you having trouble orgasming during sex
3) your remarks with her in past talks
4) do not be surprised if others have said something to her
5) womans intuition is something that many people underestimate....
6) her joking remarks
7) her remarks about leaving her for another man
8) her remarks about being honest with her
9) your own body language when she jokes with you or talks about some things...
10) 5) for the second time, a womans intuition is often underestimated

mmm I would say there is a good chance that shes not as in the dark as you may think....

I had one friend absolutely 100% sure that his wife did not know he was bisexual until he told her..... and when I questioned it, he was adamant, she was so surprised when he told her, so therefore she could have not known and I was wrong....... lol she had told me he was bisexual 7 months before he told her.....

never underestimate a womans ability to know things about us that we have never told them.... or their ability to hide that they know...lol

[greenthumb95]

green......

1) finding what she did on your browser
2) you having trouble orgasming during sex
3) your remarks with her in past talks
4) do not be surprised if others have said something to her
5) womans intuition is something that many people underestimate....
6) her joking remarks
7) her remarks about leaving her for another man
8) her remarks about being honest with her
9) your own body language when she jokes with you or talks about some things...
10) 5) for the second time, a womans intuition is often underestimated

mmm I would say there is a good chance that shes not as in the dark as you may think....

I had one friend absolutely 100% sure that his wife did not know he was bisexual until he told her..... and when I questioned it, he was adamant, she was so surprised when he told her, so therefore she could have not known and I was wrong....... lol she had told me he was bisexual 7 months before he told her.....

never underestimate a womans ability to know things about us that we have never told them.... or their ability to hide that they know...lol

You bring up m any good points!

It must not bother her then. She said on facebook that as long as I wasnt going to leave her for a man, then she didnt want to talk about it, or make a big deal of it. So, you think someone may have said something? I think if someone did..and she knew I talked to them..she would be pissed and confront me..but she hasnt.

[Long Duck Dong]

lol how long have you been married, green ? ....

trust me, a wise man learns about his wife very quickly.... and many people think of likes and dislikes, not in terms of if shes in the mood for a hug, a kiss, love making or castrating you with a blunt spoon..... the old saying of zero to bitch in 3.0 seconds, is not actually such a joke in many cases......

that is the issue with a lot of guys that want to come out.... they think in terms of how the wife reacts to LGBT things.... but they never stop to think of the way the wife gets when shes upset, angry, annoyed, frustrated, scared etc.... cos they rely too much on the way their wife acts and talks, and miss the warning signs like the way she may be sitting, or the way she bites her lip or shifts position ....... and its the very subtle signs that would tell you if you should continue talking or be very quiet and wait or get ready for a force of nature unleashing with a very vocal / emotional reaction.... or if you may need a ambulance.....

[gen11]

Grreen, I am a closet bi man married to an extremely conservative woman. In that you and I are in the same situation. But for all the reasons Long Duck enumerated I would make a substantial bet that she knows you have homosexual (intended to include gay and/or bi) tendencies and desires. My wife does not have a clue, and baring some horrendous accident, will never (I subordinate all bi activities down to the smallest degree to safety). But, bluntly stated, you screwed up bigtime talking to so many people. I NEVER do to anyone who knows me. EVER.

Having enough knowledge of psychology to be wrong a lot, it seems to me that you've been motivated to talk to so many people by a subconscious desire for your bisexuality to be discovered.

It also seems to me that your wife is saying to you "go ahead and play, just don't make it obvious to me." But my opinion is only formed from reading your post, and that's scant input into the mind of a woman I've never met, never watched "tease" you about it, never heard speaking to you about it.

It seems like the matter is coming to a head, with your desires intensifying. My suggestion is that you SECRETLY find a penis to suck and see how you react to it. Then carefully decide what you want to do if you wish to go forward into bisexuality -- and I'd make another substantial bet that you will.

[greenthumb95]

Grreen, I am a closet bi man married to an extremely conservative woman. In that you and I are in the same situation. But for all the reasons Long Duck enumerated I would make a substantial bet that she knows you have homosexual (intended to include gay and/or bi) tendencies and desires. My wife does not have a clue, and baring some horrendous accident, will never (I subordinate all bi activities down to the smallest degree to safety). But, bluntly stated, you screwed up bigtime talking to so many people. I NEVER do to anyone who knows me. EVER.

Having enough knowledge of psychology to be wrong a lot, it seems to me that you've been motivated to talk to so many people by a subconscious desire for your bisexuality to be discovered.

It also seems to me that your wife is saying to you "go ahead and play, just don't make it obvious to me." But my opinion is only formed from reading your post, and that's scant input into the mind of a woman I've never met, never watched "tease" you about it, never heard speaking to you about it.

It seems like the matter is coming to a head, with your desires intensifying. My suggestion is that you SECRETLY find a penis to suck and see how you react to it. Then carefully decide what you want to do if you wish to go forward into bisexuality -- and I'd make another substantial bet that you will.


would you be interested in talking privately? I am interested to hear your take on things.

[Realist]

Green,

I think Gen II and LDD have some good advice, there.

Here's something I experienced through another member: Back, some time ago, I communicated privately with a married guy, here, who was in a similar situation.

He tried to discuss his feelings with his wife, but she let him know, she had absolutely NO interest in his bi feelings. She avoided any discussion about it. I'm not a big advocate of cheating, but in his case, he felt like he'd gotten non-verbal permission to do what he wanted to.

He told me: For years, he carried on a relationship with another guy. He was careful and discreet, at first, but then after getting complacent, he began to be less diligent about secrecy.

Then, one day, his wife walked into their barn, catching him in a compromising position with his paramour! She was livid!

The reason she was upset, though, was not what I'd think............she was not so much upset about his being sexual with the guy, but his lack of efforts to ensure she didn't SEE, or KNOW anything, that angered her!

The concern that he might be discovered by some of her family, or friends, was her biggest fear!

She was extremely upset, for a while. But, after he assured her he'd be more careful, she returned to her old self and routine.... never mentioning the incident, again.

He thought that she was secretly pleased that he'd found some sexual recourse, rather than wanting her to have sex, so often!

"Out of sight, out of mind" was apparently, her motto!

[cbb83]

You sure it's the sex keeping you from ejaculating? Trying to have a baby can produce a helluvalot of stress. Everyone thinks it happens the first time, but the average period of unprotected sex to produce a baby is actually about 7 months unless you go the whole "calculating dates of fertility" route and try to maximize things.

[biblkman]

You know Realist....I've heard so many women say that its not the sexual part of there man cheating with a man its the cheating, lies, secrecy and so on.

I think in my opinion that that's a crock of u know what...

Women are just as jeolous, territorial, and selfish as men !
It does sound good...the whole its not the sex its every other factor.
When it realy is the sex ! A lot of women just like men get pissed thinking someone is getting there partner off in a way they can't or that might feel better than they do.
The whole...its not the sex its everything else, to me is , just a way for a person to save face and not appear jeolous, insecure, territorial and alike.

Straight men like pussy, but if he cheats it won't be that old its not the sex its everything else routine.

The same goes for male on male, but now its worse cause she doesn't have a cock to compete with, and if he realy likes it is he gay and gonna leave for a man.

For a straight person who is with someone who realizes there bi must be a hard pill to swallow, now there feeling inadequate, unattractive, insecure, and of course wondering if its something they did.

My point even though its a long one is when a person says its not the sex so much as everything else is lying, cause when they picture u cheating and they get upset, pissed and betrayed, its not the everything else its the mental picture of there partner getting of sexually with someone else

[querty]

Green, I forgot to mention, I know several women on a personal level, that are entirely turned on by M/M play. They find it highly erotic.
I sure that doesn't help your situation. I mention it only to illustrate that there is a very very broad range of 'reaction' that a partner may have. You'll not know until you have that honest conversation (which, by the way, doesn't need to happen all in one sitting)

Drop a line or ring for a chat if you see me on line and want to talk to a "been there done that" person

[DuckiesDarling]

You know Realist....I've heard so many women say that its not the sexual part of there man cheating with a man its the cheating, lies, secrecy and so on.

I think in my opinion that that's a crock of u know what...

Women are just as jeolous, territorial, and selfish as men !
It does sound good...the whole its not the sex its every other factor.
When it realy is the sex ! A lot of women just like men get pissed thinking someone is getting there partner off in a way they can't or that might feel better than they do.
The whole...its not the sex its everything else, to me is , just a way for a person to save face and not appear jeolous, insecure, territorial and alike.

Straight men like pussy, but if he cheats it won't be that old its not the sex its everything else routine.

The same goes for male on male, but now its worse cause she doesn't have a cock to compete with, and if he realy likes it is he gay and gonna leave for a man.

For a straight person who is with someone who realizes there bi must be a hard pill to swallow, now there feeling inadequate, unattractive, insecure, and of course wondering if its something they did.

My point even though its a long one is when a person says its not the sex so much as everything else is lying, cause when they picture u cheating and they get upset, pissed and betrayed, its not the everything else its the mental picture of there partner getting of sexually with someone else


Sorry, Biblkman, I have to disagree. You are looking at women as if they were men with a man's thoughts and opinions and feelings. There might be some women out there who feel as though you do but most actually do have more trouble with the lies than with the actual sex and even more of a problem if it's an emotional betrayal by their partner actually falling in love with someone else.

There are some women who just don't want to know but will blame the male if he doesn't hide it. Case in point, the rich woman who knows her hubby is cheating, doesn't care as long as it doesn't make the social pages.. appearances.

There are some women who are absolutely fine with a male but not a female, no competition. There are some women who honestly only want to know where their partner is going for safety's sake or in case of emergency where they can be reached.

There are some women that just can't handle anything.

What I'm saying is there are no absolutes and women are not automatically lying if they say it's just the sex, they just aren't thinking like a male.

Green, you've received some good advice in this thread and the other five or so you posted. From what you have said it appears your wife is okay with it she just doesn't want to know. You appear to want her to absolutely say it's okay to go out but to do that she has to acknowledge you are going out.. It's a catch 22, I wish you luck.

[2intheflow]

I just have to say, I am in my 3rd Common Law relationship with 3 different women. None were Bi until I told them I was and that I was into the Swing/Bi lifestyle. In each case this was around the 3-4th month of each relationhip and I felt that each woman was getting serious about me and that I needed to be honest. So with each one, I told them my story and said I understand if you don't want to see me anymore but it was important to be honest, I don't cheat or purposefully hurt people. In each case it took a mere few seconds of contemplation on their part.......nd they all said "Awesome, I have always had secret desires!", let's do it! The 2 former GF's are still freinds and my current one, well she loves to watch me with a man and even drops me off at the spa for my MM/MMMM fun while she shops! Then she picks me up and we go home and fuck our brains out when I tell her all about it.

In my opinion, as a Lay Gynecologist :), is that a high percentage of women not only are cool with their man hving sex with another man, but they want to watch and join in too. Now ifI could just get her to try a FMF, while SHE watches and then I get to watch a FFF! We HAVE had a MFMFM and there was plenty of FF etc. I LOVE being BI and I am a lucky man to have found these women to share it with. I love women and mostly "Cock" but not usually attracted to men. There ya have it. This message will explode 15 seconds after you finish reading it.

[soonrornow2]

I realized recently that I don't even want sex with my wife. All I can think about is having sex, an good sex, with another man.