How plausible is this?

[Bellonya]

Bear with me, since this is a long story.
I'm in a three year relationship with my boyfriend, I'm a straight girl and he's bi. (he's 24 and I'm 19), and since the beggining of our relationship I knew that he cannot be completely satisfy just with me, he needs to have some "action" with boys. At first, he only hooked up with strangers occasionally (with my consent) but slowly started to feel that the experimentation wasn't enough. He started feeling like he needed an emotional connection with a boy, so in may of last year we took some time appart so he could think what he wanted to do. He did meet a boy. We talked things out, and the three of us started having a three way. Now, I adore this other boy, he's a sweetheart, and we really do we along together, but sharing my bf was extremely hard, I felt inferior, like he didn't love me anymore...
Due to my bf's anxiety, he couldn't handle two relationships, and broke up with this boy after two months. He never stopped loving him, he misses him dearly -I forgot to mention that the boy is in another country until march, but he will come back- and well... we are thinking of going back to that three way we had.
This... well, it gives me mixted feelings:
-On one hand, I want my bf to be happy, and if he needs both me and this boy to be happy, I want to give it to him, but on the other hand... it makes me feel badly. It makes me feel like he will leave me one day to the other, or that he will end up prefering him. And then, I'm also not sure that my bf will be able to handle two relationships at once! He will have a job, college, a band, a gf and a bf. I think it might be too much...
I guess, I just want to know if somebody has ever had a relationship like this (the boy and I are not romantically involved, just very good friends) and if it works, or is it bound to make the three of us suffer?
I tried to include as much details as possible, but any questions you might have, just ask away.
Thank you for reading :)

[pole_smoker]

You yourself wrote how you're not into this type of "relationship", and that you did feel inferior. Does your boyfriend know about this?

"Relationships" like this between multiple people ultimately do not work out, or last. Even the one you were in with the male fuck buddy, or male side piece on the side didn't last. As you wrote "relationships" between multiple people are bound to make the people in them suffer, or they get jealous like you are with the other guy.

Sit down and have a long talk with your boyfriend, and when you're alone think about what you really want in a relationship as it's not all about your boyfriend or his needs, and nobody actually "needs" sex with both genders-they may prefer sex with both but it's a preference, and not an actual need.

You also wrote about how your boyfriend can't handle two relationships at once, so there's your answer.

[elian]

Some people can make relationships with multiple partners work, but like anything else it is hard work. If any one of you is jealous or has poor self-esteem it is going to be a struggle. Communication is very important..

I once tried dating a couple, and I loved them both - they were sweethearts - but it was a LOT of work because I wanted to be there emotionally for both of them. It's hard enough to love one person - and I am an introverted person so it is hard for me to reach out to people in the first place.

I never really did lose my feelings for them, but it was long distance, that was hard for me. I learned that I would much rather be in a close relationship with one person. Not every relationship is permanent but I don't regret it, because at that time in my life I needed to learn that I could love, and deserved to be loved by both men and women...they helped me a lot more than they know.

I don't think the female half was very comfortable with having a third person, they were high school sweethearts, she was doing it to make him happy, out of love for him - and hoping that they would get married soon. He was not ready to get married. I tried to tell him how hard it was to love men in this culture, and how lucky he was to have her but when you are in your 20's .. well for males those years can be arrogant..a lot of us are still trying to find our way at that time.

I guess the fear that you won't be "enough" is a normal reaction, sometimes when men first learn about other men they get "extra" excited about men because this is a part of themselves that they never really explored before. That heightened level of interest may or may not be sustained. He obviously still has feelings for you if he broke it off with the first guy.

I think you all have a say, I mean - no one deserves to be trapped in a relationship where they are not happy. Life is messy, things are seldom black and white - coming from a place of love you guys should eventually talk it out - and be sure not to blame each other - instead of saying "You are.." say "I feel "

The good news is that there is honesty, without being able to be honest there is little hope for ANY relationship.

[tenni]

Hi
You have taken on something that may be beyond your experience and skills considering your age. Threesomes are a challenge and jealousy is a real challenge under those circumstances.

As far as how your boyfriend is going to handle so many different things (you, the guy, the band, etc.) are you analysing this to give you a reason to stop seeing him? to convince him to not be involved with other things but focus on you and his school?

The person that you should focus on is yourself first. You are young and have spent a considerable amount of time in this relationship (considering your age it is 16% of your entire life and 60% of your life since you were 14). You have done very well with this relationship. You have probably learned a lot about people.

I'm not writing that you should end the relationship but you should look at your needs. What are you plans for your future as far as schooling and a career?

Whatever you do, I wish you happiness. You are one special lady.

[Bellonya]

I'm going to reply to each of you individually, so I can explain myself better:

@pole_smoker: Yes, he is aware of my feelings, we were discussing the posibility of "choosing", but the mere thought of it drove him insane, he is dealing with anxiety dissorder and depression, so anything that involves making future plans upsets him. In his words, if he has to chose, it will be the "most important desition of his life". The thing is that, since he is in therapy now, he is convinced that he will be able to handle the situation. I'm not that convinced, but he is a bit stuborn.

@elian: I do have a shitty self esteem, and so does this other boy. Mainly the reason why none of us feels "enough", and that makes the three of us upset (my bf is extremely empathic, when I'm feeling badly, even slightly, he can sense it and tries to make it better). And what you say it's true. First, I'm his first gf, and he's my first bf, moreover, he does have a tendency to search for "instant pleasure" rather than long term -see explanation above- and that brings some problems for us. Also, it does not help that he hasn't seen this boy in over two months, and misses him. When you are away from someone, you tend to forget the "bad things" that person has. We were thinking that maybe it's best if the three of us got together and talked, but the thing is... we don't know whether to try the relationship for like a month, and then discuss, or go straight up to the "choosing" matter.

@tenni: Yes, at my age, I should be partying around and hooking up with a different boy every friday... but life had a different plan and instead I met this awesome boy who turned my life upside down. As regards your question, I pointed out the things he does because it makes his free time little. I can see him twice a week, and with the dynamic, it would be just one, so that also makes it difficult to share, since I can barely be with him. But I'm nor ready to end the relationship. I love him, and I see a future with him. It's probably silly, considering everyone here had tons of relationships, and maybe in your eyes this is just well... puppy love, yet even though I can't say he's the love of my life, I do know I still have some more things to learn from him and viceversa. But I do understand the whole "me first". I'm implementing it in my life, but... this isn't something you can change, I came here because you all understand the struggles a bi person has to go through. My friends don't quite understand it.

Thank you for your time, and your answers!

[tenni]

Hi Bell
I think that you and your b/f have posted on this site over the past few years. You are both lovely caring people. What I was trying to suggest is that I hope that you are planning a career for yourself. If you have been together for three years and it is both a first relationship, it is not puppy love. You both need some space. If you see him twice a week that should give you some space to develop as individuals outside of your relationship with each other. Ten years from now, you may look at this differently. You are in the now though. You have been incredibly open to his needs. I'm just hoping that you are making life decisions that include your own growth.

[pole_smoker]

Bellonya, work on loving yourself and getting better self-esteem. Don't put everything into your relationship now at 19 as you're going to change a lot within the next few years and decade from your 20s to 30s, and you don't even know if you'll stay with this guy. You have an open relationship for your boyfriend, does that mean that you're allowed to date and have sex with other men besides him? It's only fair that you too get to do this. Focus on your personal needs, and life away from the relationship.

[PeninAZ]

This is a tough one...the only thing I can think of is that you get into a closer relationship with the other guy, but you seemed to express that you're not interested in that. One thing to consider also, you're 19, your bf is 24, not a huge gap, but that's something to reflect on. Quite frankly, I have a job and classes (only 3 classes), and I'm already burnt out.

TALK TO YOUR BF! is the best advice I have to offer. If he really cares, he'll at least consider your feelings a while, but if he doesn't care, then perhaps this isn't the best relationship for you to be in. He should care more about your mixed feelings more than his own needs, is my view anyway.

[Bellonya]

@tenni: Yes, we have find a lot of comfort in this community and have resorted to you when we had issues like this, and yes, I am in college, looking for a job and I know what I want to do with my life once I finish my studies. I'm taking care of myself, whilist trying to make this experience as light as posible for him. Thank you for your concern.

@pole: I'm going to therapy to try and work on my self worth and how much I value myself as individual, so far it's doing wonders for me, but I still have some way to go. In aswer to your question, yes, I'm allowed to be with other guys, I just... well, don't want to. I find my every need fulfilled by him as regards relationships, but this whole thing has showed me that I do need to work a bit more on who I am outside of the couple.

@Penin: The thing is that the other guy is completely and utterly gay. We kissed for fun a few times, but we are just very good friends, and he feels no atraction for females (expect for boobs as pillows...). I do talk with him, we talk a loooot, almost every week about this. He knows what he is asking from both of us is tough, he feels guilty, he doesn't want to hurt anyone but at the same time, when you have two hearts, one of them is bound to get broken. That thought destroys him.

[cbb83]

I've had some experience with a three way relationship. IMO they'll only stand a chance of actually working if you all genuinely love each other equally. Unless you and the other boy also love each other (romantically but not necessarily sexually), it's probably going to collapse.

[Christopher South]

Here's some rules for an open marriage that you may be able to use if you want to let him be with the guy alone of you can't handle it yourself:

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT FOR AN OPEN MARRIAGE
In regard to the bigger picture of how to open your marriage and what to do first.
1. Make time to date each other that you only talk about the two of you, your kids, not bills, OSOs, etc.
2. Make a planned time to talk about feelings, etc. regularly.
3. Each need to make a list of hard non-negotiable deal breaker level events.
4. Make a list of things you would like some 'rules' about, but may need to be amended over time.
We learned the hard way about #1 & #2, and that’s why I put them at the top. There are books others can
recommend. I’ve heard that “Ethical Slut” is a good book to read in this regard. Explore Polyamory.
Here are more questions you’ll want to answer. Don’t ‘save some for later’. Decide on ‘behavior / rule that’s
okay for now’. You can flag them as negotiable after a certain time period, or as needed.
1. Only play alone, or only play together?
2. How often is extracurricular activity allowed? Is there a set night allowed?
3. What about cancelling? For what reasons?
4. How much notice do you need to give each other before going out?
5. Will YOU meet a play partner’s kids? Spouse? Be at their family events?
6. What activities are allowed? What’s off limits? What level of ‘safer sex’ will be required?
7. How often to test for STDs? Will you require proof of STD free status from potential play partners?
8. Will you have anonymous, casual, caring, loving type relationships with your intimate partners?
9. What activities are allowed on first meeting?
10. How much PDA is okay while out? If you see someone you know, who will you say this person is?
11. If and When, after how long, will you let the children meet them?
12. Will she help you to ‘pick out’ partners? How much one on one time vs threesome time will you have?
13. For those who do have long term relationships with their OSOs, will this person be at family events –
birthdays, picnics, concerts, kids’ events, Thanksgiving, Christmas, graduations, weddings?
14. What does ‘overnight’ mean? How early can dates start? Before kids are asleep? Can you stay a whole
night? What time must you be home?
15. Will you still call and say goodnight to your spouse? To kids? What will you say you’re doing?
16. Can you take trips with anyone? How long? How far away?
17. Will you date only ones out to spouses? Only single people? People with/wanting kids? Without?
18. Can they call your home number? Cell number only? @ Work? What times are okay or off limits?
19. Speaking of cell phones, how much texting is okay? Dirty pictures sent? Received? Email, same issues?
20. Can the play partners drink, smoke, use drugs recreationally, if so, which ones?
21. How intimate can the play partner be with your wife? Touching? Kissing?
22. How much detail needs to be revealed about play dates? What does partner expect to be kept private?
23. How much money can be spent for nights out? For a gift for the other person? For motel rooms? Are
motels okay? Are they required?
24. If you bring them home, will you play with them in your bed? In a guest bedroom?
25. Can your spouse pick your partners for you? Can they veto partners, for what reasons?
26. Arrange ‘surprise’ play sessions?
Deal breakers for us – (Potential Divorce Level Response)
a) Nobody goes ‘on dates’ without notifying the other first.
b) No sex without condoms for him. (In addition to STDs, he is still fertile.)
c) No current drug users of any sort. Smokers tolerated, but not in our home.
d) No play activity with any men, no watching, no touching, nothing even if she has a husband.
Rules I’ve heard about –
No kissing, no intercourse, no oral, no body fluid exchange. Only play at ‘play parties’ (swinging type
setup where both were involved). Only play alone. Nobody falls in love. Never play with anyone more
than three times.

[Bellonya]

@cbb: Well, I don't know if I love the other boy. I surely consider him a very good friend of mine, so maybe I love him as a friend?

@Christopher: Rules are fine and all, but it's nor like we are married. We have "our" rules for the matter, but they are always flexible and stuff. Besides, it's hard for me to say "Don't do this", because I just want him to be happy :/

[void()]

You yourself wrote how you're not into this type of "relationship", and that you did feel inferior. Does your boyfriend know about this?

"Relationships" like this between multiple people ultimately do not work out, or last. Even the one you were in with the male fuck buddy, or male side piece on the side didn't last. As you wrote "relationships" between multiple people are bound to make the people in them suffer, or they get jealous like you are with the other guy.

Sit down and have a long talk with your boyfriend, and when you're alone think about what you really want in a relationship as it's not all about your boyfriend or his needs, and nobody actually "needs" sex with both genders-they may prefer sex with both but it's a preference, and not an actual need.

You also wrote about how your boyfriend can't handle two relationships at once, so there's your answer.

Your post here is very hm, somewhat accurate. I do not wish to be challenging what you express. A lot of what you present is very highly valid for many cases. You are in large part correct.

That aside there are cases where some of what you present falls by the way. Ultimately though, as you present it does return to the people involved. Everyone involved does need to be honest, with themselves and with the others involved.

Interlude Scene:

"Hey Joe, I'm going to take this week for Sally. She has been feeling a bit out of the loop, honey. If you want to go see that guy Frank, enjoy but be safe. Still love you. Love Sally too."

"Hey Adam, I understand that. I'm honestly mad because Sally keeps pulling this crap! She was all pissy last month, same as now. You got to get her to be more secure. If you don't do that this time, I just might go off with Frank and be done here."

"Joe, I'm sorry for not being more secure. Damn it, I love Adam too. Sorry if it upsets you but maybe it is better for us to see you go."

"Sally, you bitch! Joe is obviously hurt as well. I may just say un-fuck you both and go find a nice swinging couple."

Back to post:

Emotions are real. People need to accept that, try being empathetic, mature. If the people involved cannot do that, it is better to not have the relationship than to destroy possibly a good friendship. And no, age does not matter regarding maturity. I have seen 80-90 year old men acting as though they were spry young 16 year old lads, 14 year old women acting as 60 year old seductive doms. So, no, age doesn't matter in the case of maturity in the emotional realm. That noted, I am not condoning sexual intercourse with minors.

Apologies, pole. I merely sought to interject that not all cases are the tragedy cases you present. There are exceptions to most things, at least as far as I've experienced. And no I'm not meaning to say you were only presenting all tragedy cases, or even that you were saying all cases are tragedies. Your post to me though seemed rather bleak. "Hey, there is hope despite what this bum says!" :) *chuckles* Just trying to stay balanced. :) *hug*

[void()]

I've had some experience with a three way relationship. IMO they'll only stand a chance of actually working if you all genuinely love each other equally. Unless you and the other boy also love each other (romantically but not necessarily sexually), it's probably going to collapse.

Hm, I don't think a girlfriend and boyfriend of a third bi, need to exactly love one another romantically. I mean sure that would be great and all. But it could work if they were simply friends with one another. "Ah, we share a boyfriend. Cool. Hey did he tell you about?" "No, he said about blah though" "Oooh, didn't think he liked blah, hm, he likes yada too did you know?" "No, hm, well I can do yada for him/her."

It scares me sometimes when my wife and boyfriend compare notes. I think they both realize I'm fairly much 'what's seen is what is got' and the same person for each of them, no masks. Think me not really having masks excites, amuses them both a little. *shrugs*

[cbb83]

I probably didn't articulate well. I guess by "romantically but not necessarily sexually" I meant something more along the lines of a desire to have as part of your family. Assuming a long term relationship is what's wanted here. If it's just a friendship with benefits or sharing of a sexual partner - that's a lot easier to manage so long as everyone is cool with it - and it becomes more a matter of acceptance than anything else.

If you want a more "standard" relationship where you form a family (note: this does not mean "have kids", plenty of families don't) and what not - I do think mutual all around love is necessary. Again though, that doesn't necessarily mean sex between all parties. I'm probably not making sense again, lol.

[tenni]

Thanks for the clarification cbb83. Bell has already stated that she doesn't think that she has an emotional attachment to the third person. She doesn't seem that she wants to co habitate but I'm not sure. I don't think that she is thinking along your family scene of more traditional practices. She is torn over wanting her b/f to be happy with the guy but it makes her fearful that her bf will leave her. This seems to be fairly common for non bisexuals...and some bisexuals. What may work is for her to be reassured that her bf has no interest creating an emotional attachment the third person. Since the third person is a gay man it makes sense to me that the gay guy may want more. Bell have you thought about whether if the third person was a bisexual man in a relationship with a woman as well if that would make you feel more secure?

[darkeyes]

Since the third person is a gay man it makes sense to me that the gay guy may want more. Wot make's u say that? Of course it is true, but not because the 3rd person is gay partic... it is a human thing irrespective of gender and sexuality and may be the case with just about ne body in ne relationship of woteva kind... equally, it may not..

[void()]

I probably didn't articulate well. I guess by "romantically but not necessarily sexually" I meant something more along the lines of a desire to have as part of your family. Assuming a long term relationship is what's wanted here. If it's just a friendship with benefits or sharing of a sexual partner - that's a lot easier to manage so long as everyone is cool with it - and it becomes more a matter of acceptance than anything else.

If you want a more "standard" relationship where you form a family (note: this does not mean "have kids", plenty of families don't) and what not - I do think mutual all around love is necessary. Again though, that doesn't necessarily mean sex between all parties. I'm probably not making sense again, lol.

*reads, rereads, settles and ponders a bit, nods and goes "hmmm"* Okay, gotcha. *chuckles* I do comprehend what you were saying better now. Thank you for that. :) I do agree about mutual or platonic love. Yes, ultimately I do believe it is needed. In my own experience and perception/s, my boyfriend and wife seem to be only friends or nice to one another. I am sure he has a profound sense of mutual or platonic love for my wife, as she does for him.

"Oh another human being, gotta love 'em." I do not get a sense that they have strong romantic, lustful desires of one another. That might come eventually if society and situation/s permitted us all to move in together. Although, it might not. I think they both have strong sexual and romantic desires toward me, yet not each other. I have strong romantic and sexual desires for both of them.

Would I enjoy them both together at once with me? Eh, maybe, maybe not. I do not push for that. It is something they both would need to choose freely. I am happy to dole out turns when he visits us. One night I visit with him, the next with her and so on. Or, I may take time with one during a day, then switch off to join the other for a few hours.

All in, I attempt to be considerate of them both as both and as individuals, being equal, or as equal and as fair as is possible. Life happens and we all understand we are all human. One night I had been with him, woke during early morning hours and had a pit stop, went on and climbed into my wife's bed. That morning after breakfast I went out with him again. I just had a few hours where I needed the feminine to coddle, be coddled by me. It felt peaceful for me that they both understood and were accepting, loving. There was nothing said of it by anyone, it was simply natural. It felt good, felt right. :)

And I think if we were able to come together, this would likely be how things were with us. :) Sure, everyone has ups and downs. Sure, there are times I fuss and argue with my wife. there's times I fuss and argue with my boyfriend, or they fuss and argue with me. *chuckles* That's human nature and if no longer happens, run! All in though, we all three are loving people and life is a gentle river for us. Of course, I may be being naive, idealistic, dreaming too. *chuckles* Somehow, I kind of doubt it. *lol* But yeah, I see what you are saying better. Sorry if I seemed all bitchy like, wasn't meaning to by any means. :) :P

[tenni]

Wot make's u say that? Of course it is true, but not because the 3rd person is gay partic... it is a human thing irrespective of gender and sexuality and may be the case with just about ne body in ne relationship of woteva kind... equally, it may not..

dark eyes It is my experience that a bi guy may be comfortable in a relationship with another bi guy permitting both to also establish a parallel relationships with women. A gay guy may begin to want more from the bi guy has been reported by more than a few biguys. Although it is individual there has been a tendency for these relationships between biguys who want to maintain a relationship with a woman. Exclusivity is not always what is desired by biguys from other men. That does not exclude a biguy wanting a more emotional relationship with a man but the pattern is more common. Closed loop relationships are not always emotionally based but more common for some than others. Those like yourself who do not see it as sexually based will not change their mind. Nothing is 100% one way or the other when it comes to attraction and needs.

[pole_smoker]

dark eyes It is my experience that a bi guy may be comfortable in a relationship with another bi guy permitting both to also establish a parallel relationships with women. A gay guy may begin to want more from the bi guy has been reported by more than a few biguys. Although it is individual there has been a tendency for these relationships between biguys who want to maintain a relationship with a woman. Exclusivity is not always what is desired by biguys from other men. That does not exclude a biguy wanting a more emotional relationship with a man but the pattern is more common. Closed loop relationships are not always emotionally based but more common for some than others. Those like yourself who do not see it as sexually based will not change their mind. Nothing is 100% one way or the other when it comes to attraction and needs.


Wot make's u say that? Of course it is true, but not because the 3rd person is gay partic... it is a human thing irrespective of gender and sexuality and may be the case with just about ne body in ne relationship of woteva kind... equally, it may not..
It's Tenni's homophobic attitude coming out where he blames gay men/lesbian women for all the problems that bisexual people face, and thinks that the majority of gay men and lesbian women don't understand bisexuality, or don't know that bisexual people exist when nothing could be further from the truth. I'm surprised he hasn't lit into Bellyona for being a heterosexual woman since he frequently blames them for things too, and Tenni the troll goes on pointless rants and meltdowns when he flames hetero women who are on this site.

[darkeyes]

U do talk bollox.... tenni is no more homophobic than I... he may have some funny ideas and I may disagree with the daft sod at least half the time if not more.. but one thing he doesnt suffer from is homophobia.. the only phobia I pick up here is a serpent person's tenniphobia..

[tenni]

dark
tenniphobia....lol good one. :)

I have just read in a local internet newspaper an attack on my latest video installation for showing two men kissing (coupled for over 28 years), people of different races kissing and couples of different ages. Most viewers looking at this on a large windows on a major street are not offended. Some express their phobia with vague comments that leave some openness to interpret..the only thing obvious is fear in their comments. Some hide their homophobia by saying what I created was not art.

[pole_smoker]

U do talk bollox.... tenni is no more homophobic than I... he may have some funny ideas and I may disagree with the daft sod at least half the time if not more.. but one thing he doesnt suffer from is homophobia.. the only phobia I pick up here is a serpent person's tenniphobia..
Tenni is a troll, and is homophobic, and can even be biphobic at times. You've buried your head in the sand or can't comprehend what he posts if you believe otherwise since everyone else here already knows that he's a troll that's homophobic and biphobic that hates hetero women too.

[cbb83]

Time out! Back to the OP, peeps, let's not turn this into another thread trying to figure out if Tenni is a troll or not.

Thread is about Bellonya and her current conundrum :)

[tenni]

Time out! Back to the OP, peeps, let's not turn this into another thread trying to figure out if Tenni is a troll or not.

Thread is about Bellonya and her current conundrum :)

DEFINITELY BACK TO THE THREAD TOPIC ;)

[pole_smoker]

Time out! Back to the OP, peeps, let's not turn this into another thread trying to figure out if Tenni is a troll or not.

Thread is about Bellonya and her current conundrum :)
True.

There's no need to figure out if Tenni is a troll, since everyone here that's posted here for awhile or read the boards knows he's a troll.

[Bellonya]

Wow, a lot happen is what? a day? Oh well, at least I have everyone's point of view.

@Tenni: Well, my bf is in love with this boy (I'm sorry if I didn't mention it before). He is seriously in love with him, and that's why sometimes I tend to forget he also loves me, and that's when the fears appear. As regard your questions (and to everybody else, please no more drama) no, I haven't thought about it before. Now that you mention it, if this guy -gay or bi- had another person on the side, yes, it would make me feel "safer", but both my bf and him love each other, and he is in a way, monogamous. I say in a way, because when we tried the threesome before, we had to share and step out of our comfort zone and go into a poly (is poly correct? Does it classify as poly?)

@Void: Wow, so you, your wife and him can make it work. That's relaxing. I don't want to intrude in your personal life but, did they have a hard time getting used to the situation? Or how did you manage to make sure noone felt like they were less. That's the problem truly, I feel less than I really am, and so does this boy. I do get the whole "diving the time", but... well, let's be honest, I'm super duper young, my hormones are still coo-coo crazy, and most of the time, I have no clue what I'm feeling. But maybe we can adapt your experience at the beggining to help the three of us grow.

@cbb: Honestly, he and me are both 19. My bf is 24. We are way to young to know what will happen in the next five years. of course, I would love to be with him, and see no reason to break up, but noone can forsee the future. Right now, we are trying to focus on what we need, and how can we make it work.

I'm sorry if this post creates unnecessary drama, I know it's a difficult subject x.x

[void()]

@Void: Wow, so you, your wife and him can make it work. That's relaxing. I don't want to intrude in your personal life but, did they have a hard time getting used to the situation? Or how did you manage to make sure noone felt like they were less. That's the problem truly, I feel less than I really am, and so does this boy. I do get the whole "diving the time", but... well, let's be honest, I'm super duper young, my hormones are still coo-coo crazy, and most of the time, I have no clue what I'm feeling. But maybe we can adapt your experience at the beggining to help the three of us grow.

Well, yes I guess it is a bit personal. That noted I am volunteering the information.

I got married. My wife knew prior to marrying me, I am bisexual. I asked her once during the first three months of our marriage,
if having an open marriage would be something to consider. She told me that at the time she did not feel as though she could that, but she would get back to me, it was not off the table only sidelined. She needed time for comprehending, realizing I was not going to just dart away with any Tom, Dick, Harry, Molly, Mary, Sally.

After around five years, she agreed that an open marriage would suit. We have some basic guidelines. We look out for each other. I don't let her go out with psycho guys, she doesn't let me do that either. She prefers to not play together. I can respect these guidelines. Also we're both rather selective and both rather careful if we perceive a need for that. We're honest with one another. We do not cheat. I am not her pimp, nor is she mine. Our honesty allows us to respect one another, to stay in love. We still joke after nearly 15 yrs of being married, I'm still just her boyfriend. She's my lil girl, I'm her lil boy. :)

I meet her dates, at least socially. Everyone agrees, a nice civil dinner in public. We might go do something else like bowling, maybe go to the house and have a talk session. We take a lover to a separate bedroom for privacy, or go out with the lover. But our guideline is this, we both have to feel good about the lover. One of us can say "well, we might have to do this again", if we feel we need to know our so's lover more. Or, one can say to the so, "um, that one sends off bad juju, not for you." And no, we don't have jealousy wars, or cock blocking. *chuckles* We genuinely strive to be objective, trusting of our so and their discernment.

A few other bits of advice.

Take your time. You have all the time in the world, until something dumb happens.

Be considerate of others. Everyone if honest recognizes life is a bit absurd. We all deal with that, even the moron cutting you off in traffic.

Try not to be a garbage truck. You can find out more on that by searching for it. "The garbage truck taxi ride story", ought to guide you to it. Read the story, it's really short but worth it for the wisdom. :)

Forget differences, remember commonalities. We all bleed, we all breathe, we all fuck, we all eat, sleep, shower, love etc. It's enough being one with all to not trivialize yourself being nothing of nothing. Fear and hate created by differences is that, nothing.

Even the biggest majestic mountains, best built solid steel beam reenforced concrete fortress will crumble to a gentle stream.

Step away from any giving out free and easy advice, this batch included, live your own life on your own terms. Don't let anyone define you except you. :)

Always light candles in darkness, instead of cursing the dark.