coming out to the group

[neveen]

this post is harder for me to make then it would be to tell my family i am bi...but the time has come to just suck it up and do it. i really didn't think i was going to meet some really special people in here when i joined, so i wasn't too worried about telling my entire life's story...i just needed somewhere were i could go and reconnect w/ my bi identity, and see what that meant for me, cause it was like this hidden, dusty side to me that needed to breath fresh air. i wanted to be liberated like gay people get to be, and find out how to do that as monogomous bi, not looking for 3 ways or partner sharing. nothing wrong w/ that, just isn't my thing. i am a recent mom, daughter is 1, and since having her i've seen that my husband is not the father i had hoped and expected him to be. he's not so horrible that i am storming out the door and not allowing him to see her...but, he choses to clean or do projects, or prove a point over taking care of her if she's in her crib crying, needing to be fed or changed. and there's been so many times i've been dead tired, working full time and trying to stay up w/ cleaning, and i've begged him to watch her. usually he flat out refuses if it's an inconveinience, which it almost always is (if it's his day off, he deserves to sit on the couch and relax) and if he does watch her, he'll put her in her walker and go on w/ his thing or watching tv, and if she cries he immediately puts her back in her crib...basically, he has no time or need to actually spend time w/ her and bond. and this makes me physically ill. i wouldn't take back any choices i've made because i have the best little girl in the world, but i am really sorry he isn't the partner i thought he would be. seeing it has made me quickly fall out of love with him, faster than any of his demands, or controling columbian nature, or lack of emtional inteligence. it's how he is w/ our child. my mom was married 5 times, and i promised myself i'd never marry someone i wasn't sure i could be w/ for the rest of my life...so, coming to the realization that my married days r numbered...has been really hard. for my daughter, not for me. if i didn't have a kid, divorce would not be so dire and depressing...but i'm realistic about the effects a broken have on a child; i remember how it was for me and my brothers. so.....yeah, that's where i am. the early stages of it all, worried about making sure i get full custody, making sure i have a place for her and i to live...that we have insurance and all that good stuff...and being very careful to take everything at the right pace, and let it unfold as it needs too. which i am clueless off at the moment. but, i've met someone in here who has brought out feelings i wasn't expecting, and i feel like crap for going as far w3/ our chats as i have, because it is not fair for him. i've done that in the past, and i should have known better to do it again., but like i said i wasn't expecting more than a lot of fun pervs ion here :P so that's who i am.i just wanted to get that out, so there's no misunderstandings or miscomunications. hope u guys understand, thx for being the best group i have ever belonged too :three:

[allbimyself]

I know some of you might want to be hard on neveen over this.... dont' be. You don't know the whole story. She hasn't lied, just didn't tell everything, but she has now and that's what's important. Please allow us the space and time we need to figure out what's going to happen next.

[neveen]

I know some of you might want to be hard on neveen over this.... dont' be. You don't know the whole story. She hasn't lied, just didn't tell everything, but she has now and that's what's important. Please allow us the space and time we need to figure out what's going to happen next.

{{{{HUGS}}}}

[onewhocares]

Allbi,

How could we be hard on her, for I feel just the opposite. My heart went out to her. She is a young mother who unlike many are concerned for her child, the love of her life. I for one welcome her here and want her to know that she has found a home, a home of like minded men and woman who judge not what people have done, but rather the people inside. I have found a home where I am welcomed by dear sweet, caring and understanding people, and I know she has too.

Belle

[neveen]

ty Belle...that really means a lot to me, more than u know :grouphug:

cause ur right, it's all about the kiddos

[onewhocares]

You are most welcome. Coming through this most challenging and emotionally wrenching time is difficult. Know that you are not alone, and that we are here for you. I know what the comfort of friends here has made in my life and know they to can add guidence, strength and clarity along the very long and cloudy journey which lies ahead. Should you ever need a ear, or a shoulder, my are broad and here. Perhaps the understand of one, is a greater gift than what you might have anticipated. Let the music move your soul.

Belle

[Mrs.F]

I stand with Belle.....her being my "older" sister....lol :rolleyes:

I would never think badly of you Neveen. You are a loving mom who has a beautiful daughter. To me every child is a miracle. ( mine truely is, we went through alot to have him, he's now 3) and to see a parent not bond or want to spend time with someone that is a part of them is sooo sad! That's fine that he doesn't, but it's his loss because that daughter of his will grow into a wonderful, beautiful woman. She has a wonderful mom who is looking out for her best interest at heart. We all back each other up here and you will always have hugs and a shoulder and ears to listen. There are many, many parents here who have probably been through what your going through. You have to do what you feel is best and only you know what the best is right now. So ***hugs*** to you Neveen and good luck!!!

:grouphug: Mrs.F :)

[NWMtnHawk]

I spent most of my adult life, (from 16 up into my mid-30's), as a "loner"; was of the mindset that "you have to stand on your own two feet and make it in the world with no help, or you're somehow less of a man". And so that's how I lived my life. Looking back on it all, (since meeting my gal 14 years ago with her 3 daughters and later 6 grandkids), I have come to the realization that I was somewhat a fool for believing that I could, or even should, do it all alone. So many times in my life I made things so much more difficult and painful than they really needed to be with that mindset. Refusing to accept help when I could've used it because I was too proud, I felt accepting help meant I "was weak". What a shame.

The point I'm trying to make in that statement is this; . . . it's a freakin' shame that your husband looks to be loosing, (or already has lost), the two most important aspects of his entire life due to a false sense of pride. Too proud to be a "father" before being "a man". Too proud to partake in duties that in some cultures, "are a woman's job not a man". Too selfish to realize that there are other things more important than "my wants, or needs".

My heart goes out to you girl, and the courage it takes to be truely honest with yourself about the situation and knowing that the priority is always, always, always the children. Always. How unfortunate that your husband doesn't realize the same. My intent here is NOT to demean or belittle your husband, . . . it IS to aplaud you and your courage, for I have come to the conclusion in my life now that the single most courageous and demanding as well as glorious thing a person can do in life is to be responsible for the raising of another human being.

[Herbwoman39]

I'm right there with Belle and Mrs. F. I'm here to support you in this rough time in your life, too. I've been where you are and I know that the one thing that really helped me make it through to the other side was the knowledge that I could lean on my friends.

Now you know that you have friends you can lean on, too :-)

[neveen]

nwmtnhawk...i got teary eyed reading that,ty :) ur daughters were lucky to have u enter their lives, i can tell....and ur right, so so right


...Mrs. F, Herbwoman, onewhocares, u gals r such sweethearts, ty for all ur kind words, i so take them to heart :grouphug:


i just regret not coming into this group as i am, thinking it wasn't important to share ur self when ur expecting others to be true...and it's so much more fulfilling an experience to really share w/ others. so, ty all for letting me know it's okay to be a little late at really introducing myself to the group

[Mrs. Taz]

hey neveen, wanted to say welcome to the group. we all love you and care about you. we will help you in anyway we can. always remember its never to late for anything. :)

[ladydelanie]

Neveen,
I have so much to say! First of all please dont be too hard on yourself and do NOT feel ashamed for finding someone that is wonderful, honest, kind and true!! (Do NOT get conceited over this Allbi)....lol......Honestly though...he is a jewel.
Now I was where you are now in your marriage to my first husband!.....I left after wayyyy too many yrs with him. I was staying for all the reasons I thought were right and good........What a mistake on my part!
It caused more pain for my children then I care to admit. I thought I could "hide" my feelings of disgust for him......for the hatred I had for him and his abusive mouth! Kids see through those things....To make a very long story short.......I moved on....I gave up my feeling of guilt for leaving, gave up knowing I would NEVER to able to be true to my faith. I moved on, I found peace and love and happiness......So did my children.
They thank me now for leaving. Since they are all adults and have beautiful lives of their own now they look back on my "scrafice" and wonder....."why did you stay mom".......Now I am remarried to a wonderful man that loves and adores me and my children! They love and adore him!
Yes 10 yrs later my ex is remorseful for all he did and all the time he missed out on the childrens lives.....He has to deal with that......
Time moves by so quickly!! Please find your peace, your love, your soulmate....yourself!!.......Life is beautiful and we were put here to be loved and to love......
Neveen, I met someone on here that I care about very much and yes I can say I love him, He loves me......and we are very happy.......I beleive we can love more them one person in different ways.......

May you find your peace......

ladydelanie........

[arana]

Hmmm, except for the part where your husband doesn't realize the miracle he has by your gifting him with a beautiful daughter, I'm not sure what part we're suppose to be upset about. I would be more dissapointed in you, Neveen, if you didn't do anything. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and are not going to let your daughter suffer so there is nothing to apologize for. It takes a lot of courage to do what you're doing and I admire that.
I wish you the best of luck and hope that you find happiness in whatever you decide.

[neveen]

lady d...{{hugs}} i am sorry u had toendure what u didin ur past, but it's so good to hear u say that it turned out for the better, and that ur children were supportive and glad u made ur desicion. i was glad my mom did, too...unlike her, i will try not to fight around my daughter as much as possible, i'm thinking that was the aspect that effected me and my brothers the most.... ty for ur kind words arana[[[hugs for everyone]]] ur guys and gals r just really wonderful human beings, i'm glad i googled bisexual that day i found this place :tongue:

[EludedSunshine]

We love ya, neveen... *hugs* Please don't be hard on yourself. We all have reasons for doing what we do and sometimes life surprises us in the last way we'd expect.

And hey... remember that the best listener of all is living with me... So if you ever need to talk to somebody who can't talk back, just let me know and I'll pass the message along to Beyonce. :tong:

[neveen]

And hey... remember that the best listener of all is living with me... So if you ever need to talk to somebody who can't talk back, just let me know and I'll pass the message along to Beyonce. :tong:


laff.....oh, damn girl, ur too cute **big hugs** u an that sexy beyonce`

[littlerayofsunshine]

Neveen,

I just want to offer my support along with the great support you have already received. I would like to add, that I do not see anything to be angry about in your post. I see a wonderful heart that is hurting and doesn't want another generation of women (your daughter) to suffer like that. Its commendable and unselfish. We do teach our children how to grow up and even if we think that our children don't know whats going on.. they feel it. I left a bad relationship with a toddler and pregnant with twins. Do the stress and other torments I lost one of the twins and it broke my heart. I became a much happier person for leaving and in being so, my kids were happier. You have a huge heart and a wonderful sense of humor and that should not be smothered under negative feelings. Be free within yourself hun. You deserve it. *hugs*

[whichway06]

Neveen,

I can understand what you are going through as I went through some of the same things you are. My first wife did not care that much about our two daughters, I was the one who took care of them and spent time with them. I could not wait to get home from work to be with my daughters. My first wife was bisexual but she would not admit it or even talk to me about it. She new I was bisexual but after we had our two daughters she really did not have time for me or the girls, always had something else to do.
I feel I made a mistake not divorcing her because of the girls. I put up with her crap until the girls were 12 and 14 when I divorced her. I lived with some of the same stuff you talked about for a long time and I can say it was not worth it. Do not get me wrong I am not saying you should get a divorce because I do not fully know your life. I just got to the point where I needed to make choices so me and the girls could live a happier life together.
I did try and get her to go to a marriage support group, she only went to one meeting and after she said their a bunch of freaks and would not go again. At that time I had a naighbor that was gay and he was a great guy and we did engage in sex talk over the phone but never had any physical contact because I was married. When a relationship lacks intimate contact it is common for one to seek out some kind of sexual pleasure or friendship esle where. I never felt bad for having sexual conversations with my gay naighbor, it was a way for me to deal with the lack I had. Some people may disagree with that but that was where I was at in that time period.
I am not going to say it is right or wrong to do that or what you did because it was a decission made out of a lack. At times we all make choices out of need for our well being. If our partners refuse to be apart of our lives really what other choice do you have but to seek to fullfil a need? You need to do what you believe is best for you and your child, from what you wrote I see your husband is pushing you away from himself. I would ask him to his face what he wants and tell him the best thing he can do is be honest with himself before he opens his mouth.
I hope I made sense and did not add to your problem. I wish the best for you. The hardest thing we will ever do is be honest with ourselves.

[neveen]

Neveen,

I just want to offer my support along with the great support you have already received. I would like to add, that I do not see anything to be angry about in your post. I see a wonderful heart that is hurting and doesn't want another generation of women (your daughter) to suffer like that. Its commendable and unselfish. We do teach our children how to grow up and even if we think that our children don't know whats going on.. they feel it. I left a bad relationship with a toddler and pregnant with twins. Do the stress and other torments I lost one of the twins and it broke my heart. I became a much happier person for leaving and in being so, my kids were happier. You have a huge heart and a wonderful sense of humor and that should not be smothered under negative feelings. Be free within yourself hun. You deserve it. *hugs*
**hugs**
thx for talking about ur experience, i am deeply sorry for ur loss, i can't even imagine...it's kinda sad how common this is, women taking their kiddos out of bad situations, but i guess that's just a part of what we have to go through along our paths...it does help to know that so many have gone through it, and have not regreted it, nor their kids regreted it. that means a lot.

[neveen]

Neveen,

I can understand what you are going through as I went through some of the same things you are. My first wife did not care that much about our two daughters, I was the one who took care of them and spent time with them.

**shakes head** i can never understand when i hear of mother's who abandon (emotionally or physically) their children, i really can't. i hope ur girls have manasged to have good self-worth and esteem, sounds like they had a great father to instill that. thx for sharing ur view, and that it's not just men not being their for the kids, wives do it too.