Friends, I need your valued advice please!

[Spicy]

I have a friend who is married to an asexual. This friend of mine has a high sex drive but cannot have sexual relations with his wife as she is very cold and does not have any sexual feelings at all. So to satisfy his sexual needs he visits prostitutes and massage palours. I told him this is wrong as this is cheating since he is a married man. He justifies this and says he does not have a choice. He has small children and does not want to go for a divorce as his children would suffer by the breakup of his family. His children are very close to him. He had tried seperation a few years ago but had to come back as his children suffered by his absence which he could not bear to see.
What do you think my friends? I am at a loss of words!

Spicy

[shameless agitator]

I would say he really needs to talk to his wife, and if sex with her is not an option, then she needs to understand that he needs to get it somewhere. I think prostitutes & massage parlors are a bad idea for a lot of reasons, diseases being only one of them. If your friend is going to have sex outside of the marriage then he needs to be open about this with his wife and if she can't handle this concept then his options become life-long celibacy or divorce. I think people who stay together for the children frequently do their kids more harm than good. I think a child is better off being raised by a single parent than having a dysfunctional model on which to base all their future relationships on. just my :2cents:

[luvrnpa]

I have a friend who is married to an asexual. This friend of mine has a high sex drive but cannot have sexual relations with his wife as she is very cold and does not have any sexual feelings at all. So to satisfy his sexual needs he visits prostitutes and massage palours. I told him this is wrong as this is cheating since he is a married man. He justifies this and says he does not have a choice. He has small children and does not want to go for a divorce as his children would suffer by the breakup of his family. His children are very close to him. He had tried seperation a few years ago but had to come back as his children suffered by his absence which he could not bear to see.
What do you think my friends? I am at a loss of words!

Spicy

Gosh. I feel like I'm in a similar predictiment. Well, there are the STD problems with going to place's for sex. And yep. That's cheating. But the children makes his 'lack of sex' problem a problem! Has he tried marriage counciling? Is there anyone that she trust's enough to listen to, to tell her she might need some psychiatric help? This kind of help is not embarrising(spell?) because it does help. If he does divorce her, a judge normally gives custody to the mother. Maybe patience and a little praying may help. Good luck!

[arana]

I understand the need for sex but getting it from those sources is very dangerous to your friend AND his children. I'm sorry but I think children know and suffer when their parents are together and there is animosity between them.

Shameless is right, your friend needs to have a long heart to heart with his wife. See if they can come to some sort of compromise and agreement. Cheating is never the answer and somehow it always comes back to bite you in the ass somewhere along the line, even if the reasons for doing so are sound.

Good luck to your friend.

[Biguybob]

I can't understand where people get the idea that the person who does not want sex gets to controle the sex life of the one who does. Is marrage suppose to be a public statmate of "I love you so much I will give up sex to be with you? I believe that is an agreement that states. "I want you to have sex with only me and in return I will forfill you sexual needs" It goes both ways. In the days back when people didn't talk publicy about sex they used the words "to have and to hold" in the wedding vows. TO Have when you need sex and to HOLd when your partner does. It is a mutual agreement. Sex is a biological funtion. Is it okay for me to expect you to eat only when I eat. Should I stop you from going to the bathroom only whrn I need to. I'm sorry but I believe that it is equally wrong for her to make him go without sex as it is for him to make her do it when she don't want to. Has our society made it so that all a girl has to do is marry a guy and have a couple of kids to him then trun off the sex and wait for him to cheat then get half of what he owns and child support for many years. Maybe that is why guys don't want to marry any more. Ask your friend if his needed to get married in a church because she wanted her marrage to "mean something". Because if she did then tell her to read 1 CORITHIANS 7 2-5. That is what a Church wedding Means.

[Biguybob]

I can't understand where people get the idea that the person who does not want sex gets to control the sex life of the one who does. Is marrage suppose to be a public statmate of "I love you so much I will give up sex to be with you? I believe that is an agreement that states. "I want you to have sex with only me and in return I will forfill you sexual needs" It goes both ways. In the days back when people didn't talk publicy about sex they used the words "to have and to hold" in the wedding vows. TO Have when you need sex and to HOLD when your partner does. It is a mutual agreement. Sex is a biological funtion. Is it okay for me to expect you to eat only when I eat. Should I stop you from going to the bathroom until I need to. I'm sorry but I believe that it is equally wrong for her to make him go without sex as it is for him to make her do it when she don't want to. Has our society made it so that all a girl has to do is marry a guy and have a couple of kids to him then trun off the sex and wait for him to cheat then get half of what he owns and child support for many years. Maybe that is why guys don't want to marry any more. Ask your friend if his wife needed to get married in a church because she wanted her marrage to "mean something". Because if she did then tell her to read 1 CORITHIANS 7 2-5. That is what a Church wedding Means.

[shameless agitator]

Dude, nobody was saying it was right for her to deny sex. In fact we all said it was something he seriously needed to address with her. I even advocated divorce if they couldn't resolve it otherwise.

[Herbwoman39]

I wouldn't advocate for divorce in this situation either. Your friend should consider talking to his wife about having an open relationship. If she won't have sex with him they might consider your friend having one playmate that he can see on certain days that are agreeable to all concerned.

Depending on the state your friend lives in, the sex workers there may be required to have testing done regularly for STDs. Problem is, not only is he putting himself at risk by going to sex workers, he is also endagering the children that he loves so much.

Tell him he should try to imagine what it would be like to explain to his daughter how she got (fill in the blank with an STD).

[julie]

hello Spicy

..what a tragic situation.

my heart goes out to your friend, his wife and their children.

you havent said whether your friend and his wife have been able to discuss their different sex drives... or even if she is aware of his means of meeting his very basic human needs in order to cope with living in the marital home and being around for the children...?

i'm not even clear whether your friend is asking for advice.. or just expressing how life is for him? Offloading to a trusted friend perhaps?

either way it seems your friend is doing what he concludes to be the most loving thing to do to keep his family together and functioning. as much as others may disapprove of his lifestyle no-one else has to walk in his shoes, and so who is anyone to judge his heart and say what he is doing is a sin?

just my

:2cents:

julie :female:

[TommyB7]

Leave him alone!!!! Butt out it is not your business!!!

[NJpantyboy69]

Leave him alone!!!! Butt out it is not your business!!!



I agree with Tommy on this. Unless he is messing around with you, you should run from this as fast as possible.

:tongue: :eek: :) :) :)

[taz67156]

I understand the need for sex but getting it from those sources is very dangerous to your friend AND his children. I'm sorry but I think children know and suffer when their parents are together and there is animosity between them.

Shameless is right, your friend needs to have a long heart to heart with his wife. See if they can come to some sort of compromise and agreement. Cheating is never the answer and somehow it always comes back to bite you in the ass somewhere along the line, even if the reasons for doing so are sound.

Good luck to your friend.


I've got to agree with what arana said cause the children are the ones getting hurt by it the most cause they don't know what is going on so its all up to your friend what he wants to do and he needs to think about all the risks of going some place else for sex cause the person could have something and not even know it either.

[Avocado]

Sounds to me like he is taking his care for his children too far and is unfairly making his wife suffer for it. He has a choice - be honest about it, or don't do it, or go for a divorce. Yes he has kids but he also has a wife. Going behind her back is hardly the best example to set his children either.

[Tynary]

Interesting. There is nothing wrong with being asexual. Some people just don't like sex and thats fine. tho I cnt imagine why anyone wouldn't want sex haha. Staying with her for the kids is ok I guess. he could get a divorce and then he'd propably still see his kids on weekends but if he isn't prepared to do that....Well if she really doesn't want to have sext they he can't exactly have a heart to heart cas its pointless she shouldn't have to have sex for his sake. I think going to prostitutes can be dangerous but hey it seems like a solution and i dnt think its right to say'hey thats wrong'. its a choice. He should where a condom and have his needs taken care of. Better than having a full on affair where emotions are involved. good old meaningless sex is better. I say let him do what hes doing and make sure hes being safe.

[Avocado]

Are we talking about him seeing prostitutues or seeing them behind his wifes back? The latter certainly can't be justified.

[citystyleguy]

unless the friend is coming to you for help, stay the hell out of it if you want to remain friends; there is nothing you could do until these two get their asses over to therapy, and that means NOW! but the decision is theirs, not yours.

sorry there is not more to offer!

[deepbluejamie]

I was reading all the responses and I have to agree with most of the prior responses. One, using sex workers is going to backfire sooner or later, all it takes is one "accident" and his life is ruined.
As far as the children goes, I think it really sucks to raise a child in a loveless marriage. I was a single father for years and it sure beat having my daughter live around someone who could not share her love for herself with anyone else.
The question, I have not seen is it possible that there is a physical problem with this lady or is there a problem in her past that makes her frigid in regards to sex. Obliviously at one time, it was not a problem because they have children. My question is what has changed ???
There is so much that we don't know about this situation. I could sit here and list a hundred different scenerios of why this is happening.
But, without hearing both sides of the story, I am a little suspicious of just why this woman who helped start this family has given up on having a sexual relationship with her husband.
What is he pretending not to know????

[krrptyc]

[
QUOTE][QUOTE=Herbwoman39]I wouldn't advocate for divorce in this situation either. Your friend should consider talking to his wife about having an open relationship. If she won't have sex with him they might consider your friend having one playmate that he can see on certain days that are agreeable to all concerned.

Depending on the state your friend lives in, the sex workers there may be required to have testing done regularly for STDs. Problem is, not only is he putting himself at risk by going to sex workers, he is also endagering the children that he loves so much.
I have a much different view. Due to menopause and anti-depressants my wife has zero interest in sex. So I know what this man is going through.

First, let's say this man and his wife talk about the problem and although, she has no interest in sex and is apparently unconcerned about her hubands needs, she says "why yes dear, you go out and have sex with another woman but promise me it will be only sex." So, now all he needs to do is find a woman who will have sex with him and only him (no STDs) a couple times a week but forge no emotional bonds. Would any of the woman replying to this thread care to volunteer?

Second, by following safe sex practices it is possible to significantly reduce the chance of becoming infected with an STD.

Third, unless this man is a pedofile, he will not transmit a sexually transmitted disease to his children!