Sexuality Without A Home

[sep237]

Hi everyone, I'm new here.

I've been looking pretty intensely lately for a place to find support and friends with my sexuality issue (ha, we all have them don't we?) My thing is, I am not bisexual. I'm a female and I've been with another female once, to try it out, and it did nothing for me. I appreciate attractive women as sensual creatures, but per se, I have no desire to eat at the Y if you know what I mean.

What I do like, what I love... is two men together. I crave it in images and writing. I'd watch gay male porn over regular porn any day. I write homoerotica that could melt your panties. I fantasize *as* a gay male during solo times, not always but at least 97% of the time. I Rp as a male character online which sometimes involves cybering as a guy. Love to watch a man get himself off. Love to see men kissing.

The thing is - I do not have ANY desire to have genderbending surgery. Ever. If I could go to rent-a-cock and you know, try one out or keep it for a while, that'd be okay. I'd love, wow, love... to ejaculate as a man, because honestly, I'm fascinated to watch a man come/cum - but it's not going to happen that way for me.

So I think, honestly, if it can occur - That I'm a gay man inside this female body. It's far more than being a "hag", because yeah, I love gay boys but you know, it's more than that. I want to BE the gay boy. I want to know what it feels like to do all of that.

There's my dilemma - or is it one at all? Any advice, links, comments, bashing and etc is more than welcome. Okay, well the bashing isn't, but it'sa free country. LOL.

[Tynary]

wow I kinda think that is real cool. I lv the idea of guys together as well so much. (and grls haha). u kno i went thro a stage of wanting to be a bi boy instead of grl.um but hey I'm too short and act 2 femme to make it as a guy but yeah I kno wat u mean. When I fantasise I would say that alot of the time I imagine I am a man with another man or a woman most of the time and occasionally I imagine myself as me with the person I love or sometimes with a grl but i picture myself as a man often like you do. I think how you feel is normal cas i sometimes feel similar and i think ur cool.
Also welcome to bisexual.com there are many forms of bisexuality and sexuality in general. Be happy. :bigrin:

[Doggie_Wood]

Hi sep237,

First off - welcome to the bisexual.com site.
Secondly, I know exatly where your coming from (I think) only it's kind of a complete 180 degree flip. I am a bi sexual man who has had the same fantasies or dreams about being a woman, moreover, a lesbian. What it would feel like to have a vagina and be penetrated, have a love button and stimulate it, have a true orgasmic experience and cum as a woman.
And I have said many times (some thought I was wierd for saying it) that i feel like a lebian trapped in a mans body. lol - I guess that's one of the things that drives my bisexuallity.

:doggie:

[Lorcan]

Wow.
you sound kinda like me.
I am bi, but i feel more like a bi man in a womans body. Surgery does nothing for us, in my opinion, because it doesn't WORK. I guess if you want to be treated like a man, then you could take testosterone and go thru the process to change your gender. But it would never be the same when it comes to sex.

[twosides]

Welcome sep. I can appreciate your dilemma.

Like Dogwood, I have said for many years that I felt like a lesbian trapped in a male body. I think it's almost becoming a cliche. I am coming to the realization that many of us express our fluid sexual nature by being attracted to situations other than the accepted norms.

I recently found a Yahoo group called GirlFags. It seems as though the group has been kinda quiet over the past several years, but they had a lot of traffic back around 2001-2002. I know that people are still posting, so maybe it is just waiting for people to find it again, and get some interest going. I hope to find something in this group that will help me along my path. Maybe it will you, too.

Here's the description from their home page:

Girlfags are women who are very attracted to gay/bi men; females who identify with gay male culture. ANYONE interested in discussing the topic of girlfags is welcome! Famous girlfags include Carol Queen, Jill Nagle, and Anne Rice. We'll help girlfags to connect with other girlfags, for discussions or even potential relationships (tho' personal ads are forbidden). We'll talk about what it means to be a girlfag, try to figure out how girlfags can meet the boyfag (or girlfag) of their dreams. We'll face the difficulties of having an orientation that seems designed to engender frustration. Do you dream of "hot bi boys"? Do you fantasize about watching or playing with multiple gay/bi men (do you want to honestly arrange such situations: either polyamory or swinging)? Would you smile to see (watch) your boyfriend kiss another man (or much more), fostering your own lust and/or compersion? Or do you just want to know that they like guys that way too, just like you do (monogamy)? Some girlfags feel like a gay or bi man in a woman's body. What thoughts do you have on the topic of girlfags...? (NOTE: girlfag is not "fag hag".)

This list is particularly aimed at bi (or straight or lesbian) females (girlfags). Bi/gay men who are attracted to girlfags are especially welcome, of course. And "guydykes" who want solidarity. And... you too!

[sammie19]

I never knew that people existed like this. Isnt the variety of sexual experience in human beings a wonderful thing? I do however loathe the expression girl fag, just as I abhor the rather contemptuous expression fag for a gay man. Over here a fag is usually a little white stick that people stick in their mouth and inhale, though its also used in reference to gay men. Most of the guys I know usually refer to them as faggot to differentiate I suppose and its not the first time I have been invlolved in verbals with such ignorance.

Being a member of this site has exposed me to so much of human variety and has helped round me out as a person.

[justafriend]

Hi Sep237... Gender identity and sexual identity are two separate things, and you are not alone. I have known two women personally who are like that. Straight sexually, but identify more as a male gender wise. If you looked closely, I'm sure you'd find many more. My suggestion...hook up with a Bi guy and be what you want to be. Best of luck to you...Rick

[unum60]

The piece by Sep237 is very intriguing and even more so are the responses. I am grateful to have a glimpse into this part of the female phsyce. I grew up beleiving that I was disgusting to women becasue of my sexuality. It is comforting to know that there are women who are turned on by men to men interaction.

[MaverickTX]

Hi sep237,

First off - welcome to the bisexual.com site.
Secondly, I know exatly where your coming from (I think) only it's kind of a complete 180 degree flip. I am a bi sexual man who has had the same fantasies or dreams about being a woman, moreover, a lesbian. What it would feel like to have a vagina and be penetrated, have a love button and stimulate it, have a true orgasmic experience and cum as a woman.
And I have said many times (some thought I was wierd for saying it) that i feel like a lebian trapped in a mans body. lol - I guess that's one of the things that drives my bisexuallity.

:doggie:

WOW, Well said Dogwood, I feel the same as you! :flag1:

[sep237]

Thanks to everyone for your compassionate replies. It is to say the least, refreshing to find a site and indeed I hope a community where I can maybe not feel like a freak for the feelings I have inside. Hm. That makes me sound like a teenager who's afraid of coming out maybe. Just for the record, I'm approaching the age of 40.

So yes, anyhow... I've seen that girlfags yahoo group in my searching but I didn't bother to post because of the apparent lack of activity. It would be nice if there was something active but like you said who knows and I suppose if I posted then someone else might then another might and so on and so on, right?

It's interesting to think of a man feeling like a lesbian, lol. Despite my own circumstances, for some reason it's hard to wrap my head around a man thinking he'd like to have female equipment, perhaps because I so do not think of my own as attractive or am suffering from severe (gay)penis envy. LOL. But to think of a man wishing he had the equipment and then wishing a woman would go down on him? I don't know, just makes me pause to think about it. I'm not dissing it, don't worry. I'm the last one to say it's bizzare as evidenced by my own desires.

One thing that is nice too about your replies, is that it does give you guys a chance to understand that there are a LOT of women who get hot over M/M sexual pairings. Hey, have you heard or seen the artwork/writing known as "Yaoi"? which is mostly created by women? Mostly here's how I came to be interested in it: In 1997 I got into online writing and roleplay for the characters of Anne Rice's vampire novels. In said novels the men are subtly suggested to fancy one another and being the writer that I am, I started to do m/m speculative fictions. I found that not only were they very easy to write and wound up well-crafted, but that they turned me on amazingly! I've been doing character RP now for hm, almost 10 years. Wow. Is that fascinating or pathetic? Anyhow yeah, the character is a notoriously sensuous male and as such it has given me further (copyright infringements aside) freedom to write the kind of stories that get my (inner male) very aroused. Since I haven't had actual sex in SOOOOOO long, I've always likened it to that saying about those who can teach, those who can't, do. In my case, those who don't (have sex as a gay man), write about it!!

I once started a site for gay male fic, and I have the link if anyone's interested. I think there's some MMF stuff there too. It's been a while since I looked. Maybe someday I'll link you to my Ricean writing, because it is very good if I do say so myself... but you probably understand the incognito aspect of my character vs. my out of character self.

Anyhow, thanks again for all your support.

I hope we all become great friends!

[cand86]

Well, I'm a little late to the conversation, but I'd still like to say my piece.

First off- welcome!

Secondly- are you my long-lost twin? Or clone? I'd say that I am in almost the exact same predicament as you. (The only difference being that I haven't been with a woman, but suspect I'd probably like it just fine). I too am so intensely attracted to gay male sexuality that it practically supercedes my desire for straight men. I cannot really imagine myself settling down with a man who wasn't at least bisexual or bicurious.

And like you, this isn't just a fetish thing, although it partially is part of that. There are a lot of women who get turned on by m/m action, but I want to be part of it! Not as a woman (like M/M/F, even though that's hot as well), but as a man. And for this very reason, I've contemplated FtM transitioning (including feeling I'm not very feminine). But, money, time, and emotional stress aside, I don't think I really want to be a boy. I don't want to have to go by male gender socialized roles and do all that. Only in bed do I want to be a gay/bisexual man. And don't get me wrong- I love my vagina and breasts. They're awesome, and I don't feel any shame or hate or inferiority by having them. But I would love to have a penis and a couple of balls, not to mention a prostate. I just want it!

Now that you know you aren't alone (well, I didn't think you didn't know it), I don't know that I have much advice. The best thing would be to get yourself a strap-on and find a great bisexual boy who would want to roleplay- you know, get you all dressed up like a boy and play out that fantasy. At least, that's what I want to do. Good luck on finding something to fit your niche!

[the sacred night]

I don't know that I'm adding much at this point besides repeating what's been said, but you can never have enough people like you saying YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I'm like this (points to self) and I am very well acquainted with Yaoi :bigrin: actually in the world of internet fiction, whether it be fanfiction like your Anne Rice stuff or original fiction with the author's own characters, WOMEN LOVE THIS STUFF. I personally frequent both fanfiction.net (http://www.fanfiction.net) and fictionpress.com (http://www.fictionpress.com) for just this type of thing, as well as for other types of just good fiction. Fanfiction.net is obviously for fanfiction, and Fictionpress is its sort of sister site for original fiction. If you go to either one, you can look me up as "the sacred night" and I promise you there'll be some hawt and well-written boy/boy stories on my favorites list and in these things called "C2s" which is a lot like a favorites list. Just click around, you'll figure it out.

[sep237]

Hi Hi Hi

Yaoi=Yum

Just wanted to say that I have a piece (?)maybe 2 on fanfiction.net. I'm not sure what name I put it there under, but the title is "Tangled" and it's about Tarzan and Jane when -sniffle sniffle- Travis Fimmel was on the WB playing Tarzan. Mmmm Travis.... Anyhow, it's pretty good I think, and so I've been told, so if you have the mind to read it, let me know what you think. It's obviously not M/M, but I do write that as well and as I said in this post somewhere, I had/have a site for that original M/M fiction, though it's not an active site. Well I mean I can give you the URL if you want, it's just not like one that's public I guess I mean to say. Dunno, my brain is shorting out. It's Saturday night, I'm drastically bored and need to get laid.

[12voltman59]

Sep--no matter what your sexuality is or is not--I hope that you can feel that you have had found yourself a virtual home here...

I am becoming more and more convinced that the more I learn about myself in regards to bisexuality and other related areas--- the dimensions of human sexuality are far more diverse than even psychology has identified as yet.

Hopefully we will not fall back into the dark ages and people can be free in the future to live their lives in the way they see fit in terms of their sexuality and not be confined by the shackles of ignorance dictated by popes, preachers or mullahs-----