Question of the week, round 1

[Pensive]

One of the reasons I like this site is that I feel like it's a place to talk to similar people about some of the questions that have been plaguing me about myself. I haven't really accepted my sexuality for very long (I still feel like it's kind of a mess anyway, but I'm getting better at coming to terms with that), so I was hoping maybe some of you could help me out with answers from your own experience or knowledge.

Rather than sort of dropping them all at once, I figure I'll start with one and then wait a while before asking the next one. My first question relates to coming out to people. I've been considering coming out to a couple of my friends (both girls; I just don't think my male friends would be as understanding) for a while now. I feel like there's no one I know, even my closest friends, who can really know me if they don't know about both sides of my sexuality. I really want to tell someone, but on the other hand, there are some people I really don't want to know, and I'm really scared that they might somehow find out. So my question for others is this: If you have come out to your friends and family, how did it go for you? Do you think it was worth it? If you're a guy, do you ever feel like people think of you as less of a man because you're bi (I would be pretty worried about that if I told anyone)? Finally, if you haven't told anyone, do you think you can go the rest of your life without telling the people you know, or maybe only telling a few people? If so, how would you deal with it?

Thanks in advance to anyone who responds.

[innaminka]

The hardest person to come out to is yourself - it may take years, it may take forever.
Once you've achieved that step, the rest is a natural progression..
Certainly never easy. relationships can be detroyed, family links broken, friendship bonds strained.
But if you don't come out, at least those whom your bisexuality will affect, you are not really being true to yourself - or them.

Coming out to my husband was difficult and the ramifications resound every now and again; but time, a lot of communication and a lot of love between us enabled us to surmount what was initially perceived as a marriage-breaker.
Today we're as fine as 17 year marriages can be. We know the boundaries for each other.
Family, close friends and work colleagues who need to know were a lot easier - because I was confident in myself.
The only really close people who are unaware of mummy's little behavioural quirk are my daughters. That is yet to be breached.

But only you yourself can say when its time.

[TaylorMade]

As innaminka said, the first and hardest person to come out to is yourself. From there, it's up to you as to wether you want to come out to others. I admit the rule of my sexuality is, "You don't have to if you don't want to."

Think is who is important to you and why. If they have stuck with you through previous crises, then it may be a safe bet. If they are that friend that will help you "move bodies" , as the bromide goes. . .then being out to them could be safe too.

Sometimes the reaction will be suprising. Some people will have known long before even YOU did! This has happened to me and probably many others on this forum. Some people will suprise you in a bad way. Some will try to argue/talk you out of it - -I usually say that I know you do this because you love me, but downgrade that love a bit.

But, as I said, you don't have to if you don't want to. There are many people that I care about that I haven't told for reasons of keeping the peace or simply because they don't need to know. I can live with that because of well, I love them, and I had to downgrade that love a bit, for their own sakes.


*Taylor*

[shadowsaffinity]

it was very important for me to come out, but it was very difficult also. i do not live near any of the friends that i grew up with and i do not live near my family. once i moved away (to new york city) i was able to meet new queer friends, volunteer with queer groups and go to a queer church. once all of this became such a huge part of my life, it was killing me whenever i talked to people from home and they'd ask what i had been up to and i'd just say "working." that wasn't going to cut it for me.

before i started to come out to my family and ohio friends, i consulted with a bunch of new york friends first. a lot fo them told me not to do it based on their own experiences. i knew that in my case i had to come out and not coming out was making me miserable.

this is just me though. i don't think anyone can tell anyone else what to do about coming out since each case is so different and coming out is so personal.

one thing i can suggest though, if you do decide to come out, it's a really great idea, like you said, to start with a close friend or two that you can trust and you think will be supportive. for many people, once you come out that first time and learn from that, it's easier the next time. and then the next time it gets even easier. as you tell people and hopefully get supportive responses, as i did to my surprise, you get more courage.

good luck with whatever you decide to do!!

:flag4:

[Tingly_Tickles]

Dunno really how to say come out but, I tend to wait to see how far the relationship goes
before I break the ice to say oh yea bi the way I forgot to mention, but usually
considering how I keep my appearance they usually know from first look to last.

I myself have mainly all girlfriends because I generally don't get along with guys
that well, only to date or what not but women can usually see the subtle differences in me,
such as I tweeze my brows keep very neatly groomed almost all the time now and
wear more makeup some times than they do usually goth style though.

Had to make that part clear black nails, black eye liner, black clothing, black
hair, black almost everything, no this is not just a phase thing I actually like how
I tend to look when I feel comfortable around others aside from the usual hiding
under masculine clothing such as muscle shirts etc....

Guy friends will tend to look at you a lot different than your girlfriends trust me,
I've come out to my guy friends and they just kinda stare like your WTF huh
how is that your married or something asinine like that only because usually
straight guys tend to think like gays or bisexual guys are fairies.

Girlfriends are usually more accepting because they seem to look at it like your
a kinder person a little sweeter than the usual jerk that just wants in their pants,
someone that will get to know a person before just jumping in the sack.

K now just to help out here yea I'm a fairy lovin gothic freak but I love myself
for being who I am oh yea and the str8 guys hate it cuz I can bench more than
they can, and I'm openly bi to anyone that asks :tongue: :tongue: :tongue:
see myspace profile for proof :tongue: :tongue: :tongue:

Just be careful in whom you can trust cuz some people are back stabbin
freaks that don't care what happens to you no matter what.
:bipride: :bipride: :bibounce: :bibounce: :bipride: :bipride: :tongue: :tongue:

[canuckotter]

I came out to a few close friends first, as well as my roommate at the time... I thought it was only fair to warn him in case I ended up with a guy in my bed. lol I have told my mom, but I think she's chosen to forget about it... I told my brother, and he had no problem with it... I think at this point all my friends know, but by this point it's been a part of my life for so long that I don't even think about telling people, I just assume that most people know.

[DiamondDog]

I'm out to mostly everyone (friends, family, and I have no problem talking to strangers about it as most people can tell this about me and either ask or hint around about it) and I figure it's not my problem if they don't like me or understand me.

[Seigun]

The first time I came out to anyone, I did it because it was driving me crazy not to. I started out with my mom (who nearly had a meltdown, and has since shown signs of either purposefully forgetting or trying to see if I'm normal, yet)

Next, there were my friends, who mostly took it without batting an eye. (Hooray for great friends!) I had a few affiliated with various churches who said they didn't agree with me, but accepted it, anyway (still very awesome people), and one or two who insisted I was confused, or spiritually unsound.

I still say the worst reaction was from my mom, hands down.

I have decided that I really don't need to come out to anyone else-- for instance, in my extended family-- because they really have almost nothing to do with my daily life, and generally don't ask.

Otherwise, not saying much about it is really just a matter of putting other things ahead of my sexuality. I think the next time the issue will come up, It'll be over whether or not to let another female in my life know how I feel about her.

To be honest, though, I don't see that happening any time soon off the internet

:(

On the internet, though, it seems fairly easy. :bigrin:

[biwords]

Just don't fall for the line that you have any kind of moral or political obligation to come out to people in general -- honoring your own needs and preferences is a lot more important than being a footsoldier in someone else's war.

[TaylorMade]

Just don't fall for the line that you have any kind of moral or political obligation to come out to people in general -- honoring your own needs and preferences is a lot more important than being a footsoldier in someone else's war.

Werd.

*Taylor*

[happyjoe68]

The hardest person to come out to is yourself - it may take years, it may take forever.
Once you've achieved that step, the rest is a natural progression..
Certainly never easy. relationships can be detroyed, family links broken, friendship bonds strained.
But if you don't come out, at least those whom your bisexuality will affect, you are not really being true to yourself - or them.
True, coming out to yourself is the most important step, and can take a while since you might have to discover how far the extent of your desires and needs run, and to determine the difference (if any) between what you really want and what you think you want. Society fills everyone with so much crap on a subconscious level that getting to the "true" you can take a while, though its rewarding when you get there. However, I would disagree slightly with not coming out to people who would be affected by your bisexuality. Coming out is the "ideal", and sadly reality doesnt always measure up this. I think its less about being true to yourself, but being true to others - If you're single, then there's no rush, but if you are with someone its different. Everyone has secrets, and I think that until you are comfortable with your own sexuality and have accepted it, then you shouldnt tell anyone else. It may sound like you're engaging in deceit/deception by not telling people, but it needs to be as clear cut as possible in your head before you tell anyone else.



Just don't fall for the line that you have any kind of moral or political obligation to come out to people in general -- honoring your own needs and preferences is a lot more important than being a footsoldier in someone else's war.

Again, you dont have to come out to anyone. Life is often a compromise on many levels. I'm out only to people I care about and to me thats all that matters. Coming out is your choice as much as its your choice to drink alcohol or buy cigarettes. By staying in the closet, you are not letting anyone down - yourself or "fellow queers", nor are you allowing yourself to be a victim of homophobic elements in society, or any of the rubbish that self-appointed spokespeople of queer-dom often say.

You know in your heart what the correct course of action is ...

[the sacred night]

I don't come out to people as such anymore. I don't say the sentence "I am bisexual," I just let them figure it out when they hear me talking about hot guys in one breath and hot girls in the next. It seems more natural to me that way, and I've never had someone have a problem with it when they found out that way. I will have to tell my mom point blank because she won't accept that it's true unless I do, but until I feel completely ready, I try to drop hints so she at least won't be so shocked.

[Pensive]

Thanks for all the support. I think the hardest thing for me is that coming out of a conservative Christian background, the majority of my friends are church-affiliated and wouldn't really be okay with it. They wouldn't disown me or anything (at least I don't think they would), but I can see a lot of them trying to talk me out of it or telling me that I am, to borrow Seigun's phrase, "spiritually unsound." The hardest person to tell is going to be my mother. We're very close, but she's a hardcore churchgoer and I think she's gonna think I'm going to hell.

I really don't think many of my friends suspect anything right now, since I'm very straight-acting and I tend to get a lot of attention from girls. I guess since I'm single right now, I have the luxury of waiting and telling only a few people. Still, it's driving me crazy that many of my close friends don't know this about me.

Anyways I'm still sorting out things in my own head. Accepting this part of myself took has taken several years, and when I was younger I thought it was wrong and tried as hard as I could to change myself. It's only in the last year or so that I've realized that this is an authentic part of me and not a disease or something, but I'm still figuring out what that means. For now, it means I've got more thinking to do before I tell anyone anything.

[hudson9]

As everybody's already said -- there's a lot of implications in coming out, for yourselves and others. All I can add is -- there's no such thing as "halfway" out. As Ben Franklin said, "three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead." Be sure you're ready to be all-the-way out. If you're not, that's fine too. Ultimately, the only person who's business it is, is yours.
:2cents:

[canuckotter]

Accepting this part of myself took has taken several years, and when I was younger I thought it was wrong and tried as hard as I could to change myself. It's only in the last year or so that I've realized that this is an authentic part of me and not a disease or something, but I'm still figuring out what that means. For now, it means I've got more thinking to do before I tell anyone anything.
Sounds like a pretty responsible plan to me. :)

[richarddennis]

There is no reason to come out to anyone, expect those that you are considering having sex with!

"IF" you think "coming out" is a tool to advertise what you want, well it could be, but society tends to love lesbians, while greatly disliking or even hating men that profess anything but straight sex!

Do not believe otherwise.

I have seen my friends and relatives make fun of family members or so called friends that have come out, while that person is NOT in their presences! Don't think everyone is as liberal minded as you are just because you "have to tell someone"!

Be cautious...