Looking for advise

[damit1963]

OK

I've talked to some of you through e-mails and have enjoyed some of the conversations, thanks. Now it brings up a few more questions of myself that I need to work out. My wife pretty much pushes aside anything I try to bring up about the bi lifestyle. She won't talk to me about it at all. I find when I am with her I think primarily about her and occasionally about adding someone else. When alone I think about both sexes and what I would do. I have taken some advise from writers and added "toys" to MY self gratification, but am unsure what the wife would think if I told her what I'm doing. I have thought about meeting up with people at a public place to talk and/or get to know each other, but I am afraid I could wreck my marriage if she found out...plus I think I'm scared myself. Some, on other groups, have said to just go for it and see what happens. I'm not sure that's the right answer. I think they're out to get something for themselves and to hell with what I think.

So I put it to the group here, as I trust what most of you say after reading a lot of the forums here. What should be my next step in trying to get my wife to listen and understand where I'm coming from? Another problem is that we see very little of each other as she works morning shift (7-5) and I work 2nd shift (3-11) and she is heading to bed when I get home. We get to talk very infrequently as my schedule floats with a 4 on 2 off schedule, meaning we only get a weekend together about once every 6 weeks.

[quietbi]

Hello Damit

I'm always amazed at the number of bi guys who say they are seeing guys but their wife/girlfriend doesn't know...and they seem to think that it's okay.
If the tables were turned and she was seeing another guy secretly would her bf say oh that's okay carry on.. I think not.. All the professional advice I have seen is quite clear if she cannot accept your bi lifestyle you have a choice...to either bury it and carryon or accept your relationship/marriage is heading for major difficulty and probably separation. The one thing I do know is cheating is cheating whenever someone is doing something behind their other halfs back. And in my book if a guy in a relationship with a woman seeks out and gets a bj from another guy it is the same as the woman going out and giving a bj to another guy behind her partners back.

From my own experience I confessed to my girlfriend that I was bi and she panicked and said I would be off seeing other guys.. The reality is I didn't and was totally loyal to her but I felt I had compromised myself telling her my secret and as I wasn't in love with her we broke up after 3 months. Thing is I was honest with her and she was supportive of me and I think did want to stay with me.

My advice would be decide what you want...if you girlfriend/wife won't entertain it you have a stark choice be faithful and forget seeking out another guy or set her free and enjoy yourself!

[damit1963]

If the tables were turned and she was seeing another guy secretly would her bf say oh that's okay carry on.. I think not..

See that's where I'm different. My wife gets hit on at work a lot, she works in a warehouse. I've told her a few times that it would be okay if she strayed, as long as she told me about it. She's never said the same thing to me so I have only thought about it, but never have strayed.

[lickitall]

I don't know the answer but am in the same boat. My GF is simply against bi sex of any form. So, I play out fanyasies while I masurbate and keep it at that.
Maybe some day I'll get her to switch roles with me and strap-one on.

[DiamondDog]

Talk to her, write a letter or do something to tell her about yourself.

Don't go behind her back and sleep with other people unless you want to end the relationship or wind up in a nasty divorce.

This is one of the many reasons why I don't want to get married to a woman or have a serious LTR with a woman, especially a het woman since I can't give them the relationship that they want.

I've been out for years, even if at first it was just to myself, and there's no fucking way I'm going back into the closet for anyone.

[someotherguy]

I won't advise you but I will offer something to consider: Do you want to be with someone who doesn't accept you?

[mannysg]

My situation is similar, but not identical. My wife knows about my bisexual desires. She supports them as a fantasy, but won't agree to turning the fantasy into reality. The thought of watching me give a guy a BJ or seeing me on myhands & knees while he does me anally turns her on, but she feels that she wouldn't be able to handle the jealousy of watching it in reality.

Also I would love to watch her and another guy have sex (especially if I could join in or at least be able to eat a "creampie" when they finish) but she won't seriously consider more then using this as another fantasy when we make love, even though the thought of me eating her when it has a fresh load in it turns her on nearly as much as it turns me on.

As much as I would love to give a BJ or be taken anally, my marriage is more important then having my bisexual desires satisfied. SHe helps by feeding my fantasy when we are in bed which makes my orgasms stronger. I also masterbate on my own occasionally while fantasizing about her watching me having sex with another guy.

TO answer your question, I'd suggest trying to keep teh communication with your wife as open as possible. Don't expect anything and be happy with whatever support she might offer. And unless you want to go through a divorce, you shouldn't have sex with anone except her unless she approves.

[damit1963]

Manny that is similar to my situation. I don't think I would leave her at all. She won't talk about fantasies any more saying she's happy the way it is. I do spend a lot of my time during the day fantasizing on my own. She's pretty uptight, won't masturbate in front of me and knows I do it and says it's gross, but doesn't try to stop me either, she just doesn't want me to do it in front of her.

[shameless agitator]

decide what you want...if you girlfriend/wife won't entertain it you have a stark choice be faithful and forget seeking out another guy or set her free and enjoy yourself!That says it all. You need to decide where your priorities lie

[the mage]

The true nature of the sexuality within you is long in evolving.
It is one of many reasons marriage is a failure as an institution.
There is no utopia on the other side of the urban dream either.
Bisexuality will not get you laid, just make you want it more.
Lots of sex to be had out there but love is a rare jewell.
Don't blow off love for a blow job.

but, if the marriage is a sexless, loveless one anyway, as so many are, it becomes a money issue. What will your sexual freedom cost you?

......your choices to make.

[FalconAngel]

Your situation is pretty complex. Perhaps you should both see a professional counselor. The impression that we get from your post is that since your wife knows about you, but is unwilling to discuss it, she may be in denial.

My wife and I normally work different shifts, but our schedules allow us to see each other on weekends and for an hour or two in the evening. But it sounds as if you two don't even have that. If that's the case, then a relationship between any two people will suffer pretty badly. But the real issue is her unwillingness to discuss your sexuality; In effect outright dismissing it as unimportant or just being very worried for the same reasons that many women worry about in these cases; that you will leave her for a guy, so she doesn't want to reach that point where she thinks you are going to tell her that you are leaving her for someone else. In this case, a guy.

Also, get her to check out some of the support groups for women in relationships with Bi men. There are plenty on the web that my wife belonged to when I first came out to her. But watch out for some of them, because there are a few that are just bitch sessions for women who's ex's came out as gay and left them.
There are also other places where she can get clinical information on bisexuality, like this site or through a counselor that has experience in coming out issues.

This is something that is fairly common amongst guys that come out to their girlfriend/wife. it may be because society has always been far more accepting of bisexuality in women, but not so much in men.

Either way, a counselor is really needed here. You also need to make it clear that you don't want to leave her for another man, just that you have a physical attraction to men IN ADDITION to women.