article-my girlfriend wants to date other women.

[DiamondDog]

http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=8884&TrackingID=516311&BannerID=544657&menuid=6&GT1=10582


Ask Lynn: Advice on love
By Lynn Harris
Dear Lynn,
I’ve been dating a bisexual woman recently. I’ll admit I was apprehensive because of trust issues, but now I’m fine with it. Well, recently she told me that she wanted to be intimate with another woman but at the same time she tells me that she’s in love with me. To me, when you are in love with someone, you want to be with that person and that person only. Well, she tells me it’s only sex, and that’s all it is. So I tell her that I want to be intimate with another woman also, and she says that it’s not the same because she’s with another woman, not another man. It would be like I’m being unfaithful. I’m sorry, but to me if you are in love with someone — man or woman — if you stray, you are being unfaithful. She tells me that I don’t understand anything about bisexuals. Maybe I don’t. Can you please shed some light on this?
– Easy Come, Easy Go

Dear Easy Come, Easy Go,
Nice try, lady. Crudely speaking, being bi means you sleep with both sexes. Being in a relationship means... not at the same time! What’s at play here is not the difference between being straight and bi; it’s the difference between being monogamous or not. No fair of her to try to blur the difference and exploit the meaning of her orientation in her favor. Some couples do have “open” relationships, but that’s when they both have straying privileges. She’s saying it’s OK for her to fool around but not you? That’s a double standard for sure. Sorry; she can’t have it both ways.

This is not to say don’t date bisexuals. Ultimately, it’s not even really about bisexuality; it’s about being fair and mature and respectful in a relationship. About setting expectations together. About, um, not cheating. (Although, to her credit, at least she told you of her intentions.)

And if you’re coming into this with “trust issues,” it’s best, moving forward, to try and date people — straight, bi, whatever — who don’t trigger them. Someone will come along for whom you are more than enough.

[ambi53mm]

A situation we've seen posted on these threads before on many occasions.

I'd have to agree with the response given although there have been times in my life where that hasn't always been the case and I've used the same argument to justify my own desires and needs...and then someone wanders into your life that changes all that...and you find yourself challenging your own preconceived notions of love, relationships,and what will enhance the growth of both in a mutually beneficial direction.
I see no moral dilema in having your cake and eating it too as long as it's honest and balanced within the confines of the relationship. Compromise, trust, and mutual respect are the cornerstones of any good relationship... and relationships grow and evolve just like the individuals involved within them.However for me personally,There is no compromise with Love...it's either there or it's not...and if you're fortunate enough to truly find it...you'll do whatever it takes to protect it..no matter the cost.:2cents:

Ambi:)

[shy_violet247]

I, personally, find that this article is quite interesting. It just so happens that I am having a simuliar issue. I am a bi female who is actually quite new to my sexuality. I have known since I was 12 that I was bi which was when I had my first experience. It was quite pleasureable and I loved every moment with her, but it wasnt an accepted concept amongst the "puritans" at that point in time so I had to close that chapter before I could even write about it.

When I met "Fred", I was still dating my exboyfriend and "Fred" was(and still is) married. We were both just looking for "friends with benefits". It turned into more.

There isnt much if anything that "Fred" doesnt know about me. He even knows that I am bi. When he came to light of this, he thought that perhaps me, him, and his wife could "play" together. He had informed me that him and his wife had had a couple of threesomes before and that it had enhanced their sexual and personal relationship emencely. I didnt see the harm so I agreed to join. The only issue was that his wife only had bi tendencies. She had no issues recieving pleasure but didnt reciprocate. No biggie. I was getting a chance to explore my sexuality on a willing participant. I had a blast that night and a few others. Granted, I wasnt getting what I really wanted and that was a woman that was willing to give me the pleasure that I was giving her, but I thought, as much as "Fred" was, that given time, she would blossom... but then "Fred" had to tell me that him and his wife were divorcing due to differences.

When he told me that, it became a conflict of interest. I didnt want to be put in the middle, so to speak, as to who I was going to choose to have my fun with. So I quit playing with his wife. I was friends with him first, after all.

Even though I was under the impression that mine and "Fred's" relationship was just "friends with benefits", I fell in love with him and he knew this. He tells me that I mean more to him than "friends with benefits". That love that I feel for him has since grown, but I began to close that chapter of my sexuality once again.

It wasnt until a few months ago that "Fred" began suggesting threesomes with me. Trust me when I tell you that I more than wanted to, but I now had my doubts as to whether I could trust "Fred" in a threesome. I didnt want him to find a woman that was better than I in bed and leave me for her as I was thinking that was the reason for him leaving his wife. He tells me that they are divorcing because her work is more of a priority than he is in her life. I can certainly understand how that would be an issue, but we did meet on the sly and even though his wife does know who he is with and what we are doing on the nights he isnt at home, I still cant help but feel that if I had a threesome with him, it would only be a matter of time that I would be given the boot.

One night, a month ago to be exact, we had that threesome that he was pushing for. I wasnt ready for it and he knew it as I had told him so. But, then, I thought perhaps I could give it a try.. go with the flow so to speak. So out of the blue one night, we went for it.. with my bi babysitter.

"Fred" acted out on a dare that I had posed with him, to grab the babysitter's breasts to see how she would react (She is 19, I am 27, and "Fred" is 42). Once he grabbed her breasts, he began checking out her undies as they were peeking just above her pants. The next thing I know he had his hands down her pants. I must admit that this caught me off guard but I thought, once again, go with the flow, see where it goes. "Fred" then positions "Luara" on my dining room chair with her pants down to start eating her because she made the claim that her boyfriend doesnt do that to her. So I happily thought "What the hell, let her have that experience". So I sat back and watched my man eat her. Did it turn me on? Yes it did, to a point. Right when the "green-eyed monster" started rearing its head, "Fred" asked us to get naked. No problem, however, I had just worked an 8 hour shift, so I excused myself to freshen up a bit. When I came downstairs, he had "Luara" over the arm of my couch fingering her. Now this really caught me off guard, but again, I didnt say anything.

Next he has me and her focus our attention on each other on the couch. I can honestly tell you that our attention stayed focused on each other for 45 minutes and it was great! No other details needed. So let's move upstairs to the bedroom shall we.

My boyfriend stated that he needed a shower, so me and "Luara" went back at it in the bedroom. When "Fred" came in, he watched for another 5 minutes or so then he had her give him a bit of oral pleasure. No problems so far. He later joined me in giving her pleasure. Again no problems. He then moved me aside and he began screwing her. At this point in time, I still had no problems. I was kissing and fondling "Luara" and was still enjoying. However after about 15 minutes or so, I was fastly not only losing interest, but was feeling like a 5th wheel (Insert "green-eyed monster" here).

After about half an hour, "Fred" decided to take a break. "Luara" then states "Oh goody! Now it is your turn" meaning that she thought "Fred" was going to take his turn screwing me. "Fred" looks at her and says "Oh no. I am not even remotely done with you" I look at "Fred" and say, "But honey, I am feeling left out" He just stares at me. So I began kissing "Luara" again. After a few moments "Fred" makes an attempt to get me on my hands and knees to begin screwing me, but I was a bit miffed at this point and wouldnt budge. He then grabs me close to him and whispers to me that he just wanted to screw her just this one time because he was figuring it to be a one time deal. And then he went to my side table and retreived my favorite toy, my glass wand. Gave it to "Luara", had me get on my back, positioned "Luara" so that she was between my thighs on her hands and knees, and began screwing her again! Now I was more than a bit miffed! So here I lay, with "Luara" giving me oral gratification and a toy. By this point, I was able to look "Fred" in the eye and he knew that I wasnt happy, but he kept right on. This went on for about another 15 minutes or so at which point he said that it was time for another break. He smoked a cigarette and then had me get into a 69 position with me on top and he finally gave me my turn... which lasted all of 10 minutes or so.

He knew that I was mad. And yes, I feel that I had every right to be. Why? Because he told me that the sole reason for a threesome was for my pleasure and not his own. I just didnt realize that "Luara" was to be used to give him sexual pleasure in the way that he wanted. He ended up leaving before "Luara" did. And now me and "Fred" have been having problems every since. You see, he had also told me that if we had a threesome, that I would be allowed to go one on one with that female if I so desired.. but just a few days afterewards he decides to change his mind, saying that if I took "Luara" as a lover on the side then he should be allowed a lover on the side too, that it was considered cheating if I did. He had also told me that if he wasnt allowed to do whatever he wanted to another woman during a threesome then we just wouldnt be having them anymore.

After him saying that I could go one on one, then changing his mind, I must say that I retaliated by telling him that if I couldnt go one on one that I was done with him. He took that as me being one on one with another woman was more important to me than being with him. I took him saying that if he couldnt do what ever he wanted during a threesome as him using my sexuality to be able to screw another woman without feeling guilty of cheating. We still fight about that night as it has brought up many issues that has caused mistrust. He still insists that even though I am a bisexual, that it doesnt give me a right to have a girlfriend on the side and that if I thought that, then he wanted one too. I had actually thought about it from his point of view as in putting myself in the heterosexual position and him being bi and yes, I would have an issue with him having a boyfriend on the side, so I had since changed my mind on having a girlfriend, however, I am now put in the position of not having threesomes because he knows that I dont trust him to have another one. He says that he has now lost interest in having threesomes because he feels that I have put too many stipulations a rules regarding them that they would no longer be fun (cant cum in her and cant screw them longer than he would screw me) but says that he wants to be involved in all threesomes if they were to ever happen again and that there might be times were he wont join in but sit back and watch or not be in the room at all and yet wants to be able to do whatever he wants to this other woman, but I still feel that more often than not he will be screwing my girlfriends every chance he gets. And with there not being any threesomes, that also means that I have close that door.. again if I want to stay with him.

Sorry this was so long, but I felt the need to tell you the whole story so that I wasnt just stating my point on the issue at hand. I could really use some helpful insight to my problems. I know that just me and "Fred" being involved is a problem just because he is still married. He says that even though they still live together, that they are no longer intimate.. and that they are getting everything ready for this divorce, that if I dont believe him that I can call her up and ask her if I want. She does know about me and him.. she knows this because at one point I had even lived with him and her. Please tell me your thoughts and opinions even if I might not want to hear them.. just please be gentle. I am hurting enough.

[Sapphrodite]

I dont agree with certain aspects of the reply to this article's letter.

If two responsible trusting adults within a rerlationship choose to be non-monogamous, "open" etc, they still have rules and a scope in which the rules are to be followed. An open relationship incorporates many broad terms which need to be defined between the parties involved. It could mean that you swing as a couple but not solo, or that you can each do what/whom you want on busness trips with a no ask-no tell agreement. One could be with the same sex only, with or without your partner.

Nothing will ruin a relationship faster than an impromptu threesome, where two people fuck and one person gets screwed!!! :( If a couple agrees to other couples or threesomes, that is only once piece of the puzzle!!!! It's important to understand the balance of how all three people should be treated equally in and out of the bedroom, and this is often hard to achieve if it hasnt been talked over with all persons involved.

The few people I have spoken to who have had successful experiences of this kind usually have rather strict boundries at first, and allow the trust friendship to develop before anyone "screws' anyone. It's a safe way to make sure that nothing gets out of hand the first time you have three bears in the bed... :bigrin:

As a Bisexual, I dont feel as though it's the same thing for me to have a same-sex relations on-the-side and for my commited counterpart to have hetero relations on-the-side. I have a genuine interest in both sexes, whereas I constantly hear about men (and assumedly women, though I personally havent heard of it) say if their female partner can be with other women, then so can they!!! But come on now, it isnt the same thing!!!

It's like comparing apples and oranges: if I am "allowed" to be with a same-sex partner outside of our relationship, then the equivalent is true for him: the equal standard would be a same-sex partner for him also. I'm not trying to split hairs, but I'm sure that most men would not be generally happy if their wives took on other men, so why should we be made to feel that it's acceptable if they take on other women? I could never refuse my partner's same-sex interests (if he had any) as that is what he has make allowances for in my life.

Fortunately for me, my partner is of the philosophy that I am the bisexual person in our relationship, and that is my sexuality and not his to judge or take advantage of. He gives me space with the understanding that it is only to be with other women, and I am no promiscuous and try to be respectful of his feelings and boundries. And in all honesty, I have asked him if he wants to have a MFF or some other experience that would include him, and even after eight years, he's just happy to hear the details while we snuggle under the sheets ;)

Anyway that's my :2cents: ~ good luck in whatever you decide is right for you!!!
~Sapphy~

[CuddlyKate]

May I begin by saying my bisexual experience in some ways is quite limited. It consists of two relationships, both of which were a bit more than run of the mill experiences. The second certainly so for here we are two and a half years on.

What I am quite convinced of is that I believe you have been going about it all wrong. You have allowed yourself to be lured into what seems to me to be a trap in some ways of your own making and in your need for a same sex relationship you have jumped at the chance without truly thinking it through. Before you ever got into threesomes, I think you should have made more of an effort to try it on a one to one basis. I am not even sure you are mentally attuned to the idea of threesomes. I know I am not.

With regard to the man as far as I can see he is a first class user. You are simply the object, and I mean the word just as it exists in his mind, and in the minds of many people just like him. Whetever relationship he has with his wife doesnt matter too much. What matters is his domineering attitude over what you can and cannot do.

I understand completely the need for loyalty within a relationship. I am quite unable in my heart to share the person with whom I have a relationship and will simply not do so. Equally I will not be such a hypocrite as to cheat on my partner. I did so once and I found it such a difficulty living with myself. My partner Frances is a completely different person with different opinions on this and because of my intransigence this has caused us difficulties in the past.

We seperated a year or so ago, and I married a lovely man in haste and for all her irresponsibility it was simply too difficult to go through my life and not have her as its focus. The marriage was doomed from day one because try as I might she was always there in my thoughts. Before doing anything I told him I was leaving, and why. Even although I was very heavily pregnant at the time. It hurt him deeply but deep down he knew it was always going to happen.

Frances remains flighty, flirty, irrepressible, moody, irresponsible, hyper and extremely irritating. But taken together, and with her passions and compassion, her sense of fun and love of living, without her my life just wouldnt be complete. She is my partner my friend and my lover. My childrens adopted mother. But she knows the rules, and how I feel about sharing, and I think with regard to that the penny has finally dropped. I love her dearly, but she knows the penalty to be paid if she walks over the line.

My point in telling you all this isnt to reveal the story of my life. It is to try and show you that there is more than simply being a used object of one persons lust and his power and hold over you. You appear to be getting little or nothing from the relationship except unhappiness, and my advice would be to end it and begin again in searching for whatever it is you want out of life. Nothing is more certain, you are not getting it now.

I am not saying that you should not do in your life what you wish to. I am saying you are not doing it now. My way is just one way, but there are others and it is for you to decide which is yours. The advice I offer you is to take back control over your life from someone who seems to want a relationship such as it is on his terms with little real feeling for what you want or more to the point, need.

[Bluebiyou]

Easy Come Easy Go
Sounds like your girlfriend is trying to take small half steps when there are only quantum leaps. Having a relationship that's only a 'little straying of monogamous' is like being a little pregnant. Some people want to hold the door just far enough open that they can get what they want/need. It's fair enough to try with the other persons knowledge; but what's the (respect) difference between her holding the door open 2 inches and you holding it open 3?
I'm a bisexual man. I have a gut level lust for men and for women, emotionally and physically. I'm as much of a horndog as the next guy. However, with everything I know about me and everything I believe about relationships, I do not stray during a relationship. I believe it is true for most people that it simply can't work (for very long).
There are some that have nearly completely 'open' relationships, that do seem to work. The you-can-get-all-you-want-but-don't-bring-anything-home and be-home-by-morning relationship.
The problem with 'open' relationships is each persons interpretation of 'just how far', and how much that interpretation can change. Once you open that door, it's only luck/chance to have your partner sincerely feel/believe the same limitations as you.

[brunette]

Shy Violet,

I have to tell you, that my husband and I have shared several women. We've had threesomes, and I have also done the "one-on-one" thing.

The first thing that I want to stress to you is that a relationship is not about bargaining. When he says "You can have sex with another girl only after we've had a threesome with her," what that really means is that he doesn't care about your personal feelings or your desire for an individual, what he cares about is getting off. That is definitely a rookie mistake in the world of threesomes. What if you find a very attractive girl that wants to be your "friend with benefits," but doesn't care to have sex with your boyfriend first. Are you going to abandon what has the potential for great fun and pleasure because of his jealous rule?

The second thing is that in an "open" relationship or it's variations, trust is established through shared experience. Consider the fact that he's not even divorced from his wife yet. He's not only had sex with you, but also with at least one other girl. Do you think that if you two get married or stay together he will be faithful to you? For the most part, cheaters don't change. Most guys look at swinging or threesomes as a way to have sex with other women with their wives' approval. If you don't give your approval (which it sounds like you don't), then tell him that. If he continues to pressure you, then it's obvious that your best interest is not what he's after.

The third (and I promise final) point is that you say in your post that you love him. If you two were just hooking up occasionally or were dating or whatever, my third point would me moot. But you're not, so: There is a reason why you are jealous. It's not because you are a silly girl, it's not because you just need to get used to the idea of him fucking other girls, it's because in a time that you needed to trust him the most, he openly betrayed you. If you two were having sex with another woman together, and he did not listen to your signals of discomfort and jealousy, he does not put your feelings ahead of his junk. It is obvious to me that this is not a relationship built on mutual love and attraction. You are jealous because he is a cheater, and he might, and probably will, do the same thing to you that he did to his wife.

My advice is that straight, gay or bisexual, monogamy is a choice. It's a difficult choice, and it definitely has it's ups and downs, but until you establish yourself in a relationship where trust is paramount, you should probably keep other people out of your bedroom.

[darkeyes]

Frances remains flighty, flirty, irrepressible, moody, irresponsible, hyper and extremely irritating. But taken together, and with her passions and compassion, her sense of fun and love of living, without her my life just wouldnt be complete. She is my partner my friend and my lover. My childrens adopted mother. But she knows the rules, and how I feel about sharing, and I think with regard to that the penny has finally dropped. I love her dearly, but she knows the penalty to be paid if she walks over the line.



Christ ya hav opened up ere aint ya? Yas missed ya callin Auntie Naggy... sumhow ther a wee warnin in ere for urs truly but jus cant quite put me fingie on it...:tong:

But Flighty??? Flirty? Irresponsible?? Moody??????????? Irritatin????? Ya sure ya has the rite girl Kate??? Didn recognise meself for a mo ther!:bigrin:

Seriously tho Kate's rite in 1 important respect..wetha ya has an open or exclusive relationship.. ya needs trust an respect tween all parties.... not gonna say e won b different..cos e can..mayb.. but if e shows no signa showin ya that respect me wud shoot outa that door at a rate a knots ya wudn believe... me struggles everyday wiv meself.. but wen it cums down 2 it me jus asks meself wot dus me gain by followin me nature? Fun, sex, giggles an generally a nice time... but then asks me self wot dus me lose.... Fun, sex, giggles an a generally nice time wiv the person me in luff wiv an wantsa spend me life wiv... soon pulls me up short me can tellya... can e say that?? will e???

Wetha ya carries on wiv im or ends it is up 2 u... but least ya shud b takin stock ofya life an wotya wan from it.... an ifyas honest wivya self ya will c ther aint no future ther forya...