MFM as part of a relationship

[jamescuk]

Hi,

I’m new here so please forgive me if I seem a little uninitiated.

I’m trying to discover if there are any women who would enjoy the same type of relationship as me. That is, a woman who’d like to have a bisexual boyfriend and be fully part of any emotional/sexual evolvement with another man.

I wouldn’t want a “boyfriend on the side” that my girlfriend was not involved with. It does not have to be a poly relationship, it could be purely sexual with the other man however, my preference would be for her to have some form of emotional attachment to the other guy as well as myself as I don’t like the idea of my girlfriend being “used” for sex; I’d want them to “make love”.

I have no idea how it would work, it could be the other guy would just join us from time to time, or be a fully committed member of our relationship with us all living together. What would your preference be?

Thanks,

James.

[csrakate]

My James..that is a pretty tall order to fill...but I will say that i admire your wishes for your girlfriend not to be used for sex. That is quite refreshing to hear. And while I understand your need for some attachment and affection, are you fully prepared for what other feelings might come along with this scenario...feelings such as jealousy??

I can fully understand your need to feel connected...and if I were in your shoes, that would be preferable to me as well...but I just felt a need to remind you that the possibility of some jealousy is out there...and as long as you are aware of it, then the better the chance you have of making this work.

Good luck to you and I do hope that you find what it is you are seeking. And by no means should you settle for anything that isn't mutually satisfying for all involved. I hope it works out for you!!

Hugs,
Kate

[smurf111978]

Hello James

Im new to the Bi scene myself so I cant really answer your question, I would like however to welcome you to the group. There are some very friendly and helpfull people here which I'm sure will try to help you as much as they can.

I do share your sentiment about making love as oposed to just sex. I think it is great that you have considered the feelings of your girlfriend in what you propose.

I look forward to talking with you in the future

Best wishes
Smurfy
xox

[jamescuk]

Hi Kate,

Thanks for the words of support. Most women run a mile at the concept of having two boyfriends.

Do you mind if I ask, how would you react if your husband suggested bringing another man into your relationship? Is it something that might appeal to you?


Thanx,

James.
xx

[csrakate]

Hi James
That is a difficult question for me to answer right now. Although we have talked about the possibility...and while I have not nixxed the idea completely, I am presently in "Mom Mode" and until my youngest goes off to college, I'm afraid that is simply is not an option for me right now. Then again..he is a senior in high school...LOL!!!

But I will say this...the only way that I would accept my husband with another man would be for me to be involved as well...and that is not just my declaration of wanting to control his situation...but of perhaps a growing interest on my own. If you had asked me last year I would have said no way....but with time...a little education...and a lot of open and honest discussions with my spouse, I have begun to be more aware of my own needs and interests and that is a mighty big step for a 47 year old married woman to take!! Coming to this site and getting to know the people here has enabled me to put away some of my "old fashioned" ideals of marriage...I am now aware that by exploring other avenues I am not shunning my marriage...but merely enhancing it, especially at a time when we find ourselves in the empty nest part of our life cycle. God knows I would rather not find myself traveling the US in an RV with a couple of dogs in little outfits and wearing tacky tourist ensembles!! Then again...you may want to ask me again this time next year!!! We might find that I am all talk and no action!! LOL!!

Take Care!
Kate

[jamescuk]

Hi Kate,

If your husband is anything like me, I’m sure he’s very happy that you’re open to the idea. Even if it never happens, at least your both on the same wave length and his mind is probably much more at ease now he know you think along the same lines.

I’m interested in understanding the female take on this, I know your only one woman but you’re the first to express even the slightest of interests. You say you have a growing interest of your own in this type of setup. Can you tell me what you would hope to gain from being involved with two men? What do you find appealing?

Thanks,

James.
Xx

PS.. Please feel free to contact me privately if you wish to talk in any detail.

[cchalmer]

I met my present g/f through an online swingers site. I am bi and she is bi-curious......although we are working to change that. Once our relationship started we agreed that neither of us would "play" alone....that when we had other people join us to "play" that we would both be involved. I am lucky in the fact that she really enjoys watching 2 guys together and I have no problem with watching another man enjoy my g/f's many charms. By not going out on our own we can control the "jealousy" factor much easier because our #1 rule is that if we are not comfortablel nothing happens.

We want to be friends with the people that we introduce to our relationship and our ultimate goal is to find a couple that both are bi and we can be friends with and have an ongoing relationship.

My opinion on what you are proposing.....your g/f having 2 b/f's is a recipe for disaster. Eventually one of you will end up having to choose one or the other because it's a lot of work making a "normal" relationship work let alone trying to make a 3-way relationship work.

My advice would be if your g/f is willing to be a part of your bi activities....play only when she is with you.....be friends with the other person, go out for dinner and drinks and don't limit the friendship to just sex. At the end of the day you will both be happier.....and of course always always talk to your g/f. After an encounter it is important for you and your g/f to talk and make sure that you are both still comfortablel with what happened and discusss where it's going to go from there.

Hope this gives you some food for thought.......it's only one man's opinion and what works for my g/f and me is not gaurenteed to work for you.

Good luck and many nights of hot sex to you......

[red_riding_hood_27]

James,
As a wife of someone who just came out to me. I admit at first I was totally turn off by everything. That was 2 wks agao. Now, I have gone on the web sites he visited. Looked into buying porn with MMF action in it. It is something that interest me. I don't know at this point If I am willing to share. As the other "mom" I am a mother first. I have too many kids to look after to bring that one element into my realtionship. I will tell you this. If not for the kids it would be something we would talk about and discuss. I have been thinking about this so right now I am going to try to service him myself. If that is not enough then I might let him play. I have not made up my mind. The jelously factor comes in to my mind. Maybe one day we will re-visit the topic of introducing another into our bedroom. I am trying to be open minded. He is also being very respectful of my feelings.

You need to figure out if the female you date is going to be open to new things. I was raised in a very religous house. To say at least that mm sex was not only wrong but disgusting. So you need to make sure she is someone who can get past her own upbringing and open to the idea.

I have a weird sense of humor and I told my husband that I would find it funny and start to laugh. I think that is self preservation. I am not completly rulling it out. But for now I like it to be just us.

Good luck James

[csrakate]

James,
Even thought I have been rather candid about my feelings about this situation, I have answered your questions via private message. Don't want to tell the entire world about my sexual appetite...not yet anyway!! LOL!

Kate

[Mrs.F]

My opinion on what you are proposing.....your g/f having 2 b/f's is a recipe for disaster. Eventually one of you will end up having to choose one or the other because it's a lot of work making a "normal" relationship work let alone trying to make a 3-way relationship work.

My advice would be if your g/f is willing to be a part of your bi activities....play only when she is with you.....be friends with the other person, go out for dinner and drinks and don't limit the friendship to just sex. At the end of the day you will both be happier.....and of course always always talk to your g/f. After an encounter it is important for you and your g/f to talk and make sure that you are both still comfortablel with what happened and discusss where it's going to go from there.


.


I have to agree with the above quote. Relationships with husband/wife or gf/bf can be alot of work. They are not always easy and then to bring a 3rd party into it. I would not be up for that at all. But that is my feeling on it. I think it could also end in disaster. But then again, never say never because it may just work for you and your gf. I just know that it would not be something I would do or even want. I am also in "mom" mode and the kids come first. I am also another wife who just found out her husband is bi. That in itself is alot to comprehend after many yrs. of marriage and not knowing. And like Red Riding Hood, I am going to try and satisfy my husband on my own!!!
Good luck to you in getting what you desire!

Mrs. F. :)

[jordok]

I think this is about control and permission.

You have had some great candid responses from very wise women.

All I can do is offer my own perspective.

I would never involve the mother of my children in an MMF relationship although I have taken part in 3 such relationships. For me it was just sex, great sex.

[Brindleberry64]

Hi james,

I read your article and what you wish to find and I have to say , that is exactly what I seek !!! But you are in another country unfortunately :-(
I am finding more interest in the poly lifestyle, I have been married 16 years and together 20 yrs. We have 3 preteens and are very happy, we have experienced some ffm many years ago and there is no jealousy on my part at all, in fact felt good. But I have a need to be with a person I have emotions for, attracted too and am not into one night stands or one offs. For me, being with a person intimately is a very personal and private thing that can be shared on the highest emotional level, I need that emotional attachment . I know I have the ability to love another along with my husband , happened long ago.
I do love women , but do seek one other ( m or f ) to share my life, my heart with. Dont think too many people are willing to give that much, but for me what I have to offer I consider priceless and I know the person I hope to eventually find will never look back .
I wish you well in your search James.... my husband also recently expressed his interest in men, this has not yet been acted upon because of fear mainly.
But everybody is soooo different and they have sooo many different tastes. Not everybody is going to fit into everybody else lifestyles or what they seek unfortunately which is why it takes sooo long to find somebody ideal.
I wish you all the best of luck :-)

[pandoracat]

Well thats exactly what I have I have a Wife and a Husband. My wife loves having 2 men we are all Bi so no one feels left out. We have been together for 5 years and have a house and 2 kids the fence and cat and dog :)
-Pandi :bibounce:

[jamescuk]

Hi Pandoracat,

I'm glad to hear that it really can work. I have a couple of questions if you dont mind....

Do you all live together?

Also, are your children aware of the relationship you and your wife have with the other man? How do they "see" the other man, I mean is he like another father to them?


Thanks,

James.

[Driver 8]

Just wanted to throw my two cents in - I've personally known a couple of straight women who had poly relationships with two men at once, so there are definitely women out there for whom this is more than a fantasy.

Sure, it's a challenge to make both relationships work, but monogamy is no walk in the park either. The difference (I think) is that we all grow up learning about monogamous relationships, but people who want poly and open relationships are often figuring it out as they go along.

There's a book called The Ethical Slut by two happy poly women - it focusses on how to find partners, how to discover your wants and limits, and how to work out the problems that arise in multiple-partner relationships. You might take a look at it. (I realize the title is a bit shocking.)

P.S. I know you said "it doesn't have to be a poly relationship," but the poly folks I've known here in the US seem to use poly for any open, honest multiple-partner relationship, and that's how I mean it ;)

[jamescuk]

Hi Driver 8,

I'm interested to know how the relationships with your friends worked out. Did your female friend(s) split her time between both guys (like having a seperate relationship with each guy) or did she have a threeway relationship with both guys (all sleeping and living together).

I think its not uncommon for a woman to have two men seperatly (after all, a lot of people cheat!), but what I'm looking for is a woman who'd enjoy two men together.

Also, as a woman, how do you feel about this type of relationshp. Is it something that would apeal to you or do you detest the idea?


Thanks,

James.

[yaknowthatguy]

My wife and I had a boyfriend while we lived in California during most of 2004. It was great, we all enjoyed it and had a lot of fun. And yes, my wife is straight.

Personally one thing I liked was that, since I am gone 2 weeks a month for work, it gave her someone to spend time with while I was gone. Not that she doesn't do fine on her own - she does, which is why our relationship works - but having some companionship was good. They got to hang out while I was gone, we all got to hang out when I was home, and Chris and I got to hang out while my wife was at work.

It CAN happen - just keep looking!

[Driver 8]

Hi Driver 8,

I'm interested to know how the relationships with your friends worked out. Did your female friend(s) split her time between both guys (like having a seperate relationship with each guy) or did she have a threeway relationship with both guys (all sleeping and living together).

Just sticking with the more successful relationships, since "how poly relationships fail" is a whole separate topic ... one woman started by living with one guy and regularly visiting the other, then ended up living with both of them. (Unfortunately, since the other guy lived out-of-state, I've lost track of her since then.) Another woman lived with two straight guys and shared all the household responsibilities, and they had regular three-ways which she felt were an important part of their relationship. As I recall they had two separate bedrooms but it was because one guy snored. :tongue:

A third lived with the guy she was married to, but one of her regular lovers was a good friend of them both, and would sometimes sleep over. (Her straight husband didn't join them and slept in the guest room, IIRC.) She used to call me up and we'd go for coffee or hang out when her husband and her lover were discussing their hobbies to the point of boring her to tears ...

A fourth was living with two men she considered her husbands, and they were considering adding another woman to their family. (I don't know if the second woman was bi, but the two men and the first woman were ... I'm trying hard not to make this too confusing ;)) They were raising two kids - I know one or both of the husbands were the biological fathers - and had Wiccan handfasting ceremonies which they considered binding, even if the law doesn't recognize the other marriage(s). (One of the guys once told me "The secret of parenting is for the adults to always outnumber the kids.")

I have the nagging feeling I'm forgetting someone. Guess it all goes to show I've met a lot of interesting people over the yeasr :) (I met some of these folks via the old bi support group, others via neo-Pagan friends, etc.)


Also, as a woman, how do you feel about this type of relationshp. Is it something that would apeal to you or do you detest the idea?


I'd be delighted with a relationship kind of like this and often fantasized about finding something similar (though as luck would have it I ended up meeting and falling in love with a very monogamous man and we've been together for several years.) I'm a bi woman, and I like and get along with bi guys, so that might be a factor. (If I were in a relationship with multiple partners I'd want to work out a clear agreement with everyone about a minimum amount of time spent together, when and how we could have sex with people outside the relationships, et cetera - but I think that's a little more "nuts and bolts" than you're looking for.) :bibounce:

[OralBradley]

Hi,

I’m new here so please forgive me if I seem a little uninitiated.

I’m trying to discover if there are any women who would enjoy the same type of relationship as me. That is, a woman who’d like to have a bisexual boyfriend and be fully part of any emotional/sexual evolvement with another man.

I wouldn’t want a “boyfriend on the side” that my girlfriend was not involved with. It does not have to be a poly relationship, it could be purely sexual with the other man however, my preference would be for her to have some form of emotional attachment to the other guy as well as myself as I don’t like the idea of my girlfriend being “used” for sex; I’d want them to “make love”.

I have no idea how it would work, it could be the other guy would just join us from time to time, or be a fully committed member of our relationship with us all living together. What would your preference be?

Thanks,

James.

:flag1: :male: I share the same basic want for an MFM relationship, but my wife and I were never able to find quite the right guy. We took men home from several Mensa SexSYG functions and enjoyed a good evening many times, but they neded up mostly as one night stands. The guys usually wanted to make out with my wife and tolerated my presense, but weren't truly prepared to inteact sexually with me.

[Mmmarie]

I'm new here. I am a bi F. I'm married to a straight guy-20 years. We are polyamorous. We've been in a MFF relationship. We're currently looking for another bi F or another MF couple for a long-term relationship. We have many friends in the poly community in the kind of relationship you describe. It may take a while to find the right chemistry, but it can work.
Mmmarie

[moonlitwish]

As a bi f in a marriage going on its 3rd year, I would probably enjoy the relationship, but my husband is VERY straight. Plus, heis very threatened by other men, and has a jealousy problem. It's getting better though. Realizing after our first encounter that when I'm getting sexually fullfilled, he gets more kinda reasured him. Instead we are looking for a mff relationship to work...Well I'm looking for a relationship, he probably just wants sex. We don't have any prospects, so we haven't really talked it through. We don't have kids, so that's not an issue, we just are having a problem finding *decent* bi women. There's gotta be chemistry and trust. I'm a very private person and I won't share my house with a person I can't trust. Good luck on your search.

[OralBradley]

:flag1: :male: It has long been my wish or fantasy to have another man (or possibly a couple) to share our home and bed in a "group marriage." In theory this sounds nice and even feasable, but if there are always conflicts between just two people, there will be even more with additional menbers of the group. The difficulties probably increase geometrically (1,2,4,8,16...) rather than arithetically (1,2,3,4,5...).