How do you handle it if people are falling in love in a threesome relationship

[Shy Sally]

Who lives or lived in a real threesome relationship MMF or FFM? How do you handle it if people are falling in love? The normal way is that a couple meets someone else to play with. They come together and then it could happen that one of the couple falls in love with the third person or vice versa. Have you ever heard about falling in love of all three people with each other simultaniously?
What is your experience with falling in love in a threesome relationship? Has the fact of falling in love changed the relationship or even destroyed it?

I would love to get your comments on this problem

Sally

[Sarasvati]

I'm certain that this can happen and quite naturally. And also without contradiction.

The idea of monogamy is entirely socially conditioned. Very often you hear of people torn between a love for one person out of passion and another out of devotion. That feeling results from society's insistance on monogamy.

Love is a cruel ruler of passions. Petty jealousies abound in whatever combinations you can imagine.

Our Western culture is wedded to a one-to-one romanticism that is so often a self deceipt with couples packaging their utterly unenchanted relationships for public consumption in marriage and monotonous monogamy. They often claim to have love - but are they really just dull, lazy robots.

If a three way love affair (or even a 4 way or 5 way) is to your taste then throw away your inhibitions and go explore.

But because you walk an outsiders path do not be surprised if people try to knock you down. If you free yourself from the restrictions others place on you you can discover more.

[onewhocares]

I can speak to this issue first hand. Hubby and I have taken up the bi lifestyle nearly four years ago. Two years ago we met a man with whom we established a wonderful relationship. Over the course of the next eighteen months we saw each other once a month or more. About nine months into the relationship, hubby fell in love with Peter...and told him of this. I do think that this sort of caught lover off guard. It was something that I think he was not able to deal with at this time with all the other stress in his life. He has distanced himself from us....SO I know it is possible for one person in a triad can fall in love with each another. Hubby is trying to move ahead but the desire and longing for the old lover is so so hard for him. I never really put as much into it...as I thought it was only puppy love so to speak..how wrong I was. It is deep and real love. So much so that it was the final straw that has hubby come to the acceptance that he is indeed gay. I have known for years and tried to encourage to finally be accepting of this...it was just hard for me, as his wife to hear him say this out loud. But I know in my heart it is the right path for him. I love him and only want him happy.

While I have been involved with other men, I do care for them, parts of me love Brian and Jess but am in love with my husband.

If this happens, it can cause issues with in the marriage if there is not open and honest communication. If you want to chat, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Belle

[holle1199]

I had a couple that I saw for about 4 years, all three of us thought the world of each other but we never had any problem with love developing, guess mainly because we knew each other so well as friends before we ever had sex and that spark for love wasn't there.

Jim




Who lives or lived in a real threesome relationship MMF or FFM? How do you handle it if people are falling in love? The normal way is that a couple meets someone else to play with. They come together and then it could happen that one of the couple falls in love with the third person or vice versa. Have you ever heard about falling in love of all three people with each other simultaniously?
What is your experience with falling in love in a threesome relationship? Has the fact of falling in love changed the relationship or even destroyed it?

I would love to get your comments on this problem

Sally

[the mage]

Polyamory is a real and geniuine state of being.
3 and 4 and 5 adults can and do live as lovers in many homes. We are a love of three here with a fourth playmate.
It requires a level of honesty and communication which few people are prepared to deal with, but it can work with the right mix.

Experience has taught me that this forum is not the place for such discussion.

[Bi_Druid]

I'll admit it's not something I've directly come across myself, but I am myself in a relationship open to the potential for polyamoury, which is many-loves, and so chances are I and my boyfriend shall.

We've played away from one-another, the only 'rule' as such being that we both play safe, and whoever else we end up sharing our affections with is fully aware of the situation.

Communication IS the key thing here.

I do have romantic ideas of finding myself in a happy triad, my Mr and Miss Right, and all three of us happily loving one another. I do realise that this is, unlikely, with my boyfriend who is himself monosexualy gay, but he is more than happy with the idea of me sleeping with other women. There have been times when he's openly egged me on to ask out attractive young ladiesfor myself.

But, in answer to your question, I'd say that if you couldn't 'handle' the idea of one of you falling for the third, then strictly speaking you shouldn't be messing about with a third in the first place.
If you can handle the idea, the chance that such a thing may very well happen, then the 'problem' no longer becomes one before it's even manifested in the first place, surely?

I'd say this sounds like a thing of trust, and knowing yourself first.
Personally, I'd like to say I wouldn't have a problem with my boyfriend falling for a second man, as we still love each other to pieces, and such an occurance wouldn't colour it for me. I'd still love him for being just who he is.

[frikidiki]

There's a big difference between being or falling "in love," which is basically infatuation, and actually loving, the proof of which is in the doing. To give a small example--and you have to look at the spirit of this, not the exact situation--when you wake up next to someone that being "in love" with has driven you to have sex with, and they happen to have nasty morning breath & look goofy snoring with their mouth wide open, can you still be "in love?" If you are a loving person, you know that this rather unattractive scene is temporary, and can tolerate it.

People are frequently "in love" with mystery & possibility associated with someone else. That will pass at some point, usually after a time of getting to know the other person or have direct experience with whatever it is you're looking for in them. If it does, and while being true to yourself you can still find them attractive or at least tolerable with respect to their less desirable qualities, then you will be able to show them love.

Many people, however, get hung up on the passing of those feelings; some even go from one situation to another precisely because they want that feeling and nothing more. None of this is particularly mature or healthy if not grown past. The smart-for-your-heart thing is to aim for that post-infatuation state; this approach means you'll be looking to see if you can love & be loved by that someone in ways that each of you want.

Based on this, I think more-somes are possible, if everyone is looking beyond the fascinating ideal of being in a progressive relationship, or whatever. This can't be easy if there is this longing for those feelings of being "in love" after they pass. Neither can it be easy if the fantasy is not recognized as such before reality sets in. It also helps to take a good, honest look at why you or your partner want this more-some to come about. Be realistic before being idealistic.

To really pull it off, you have to be prepared to give the others their space for being with each other, without you. What comes back to you is yours--nothing more. And when two of you return to the third, be sure to give that one some affection--what you give of yourself comes back to you.

Experience tells me not to get my hopes up that I'll team up with more than one person in the pursuit of life. One is enough for me; more than this would be great, but exponentially more difficult to find and maintain. I'm cool with that.

Now, where did I put that phone number to the local sex commune?

[darkeyes]

Kate??? We gorra talk...turns out me nuthin moren infatuated wivya...:eek:

[Sarasvati]

There's a big difference between being or falling "in love," which is basically infatuation, and actually loving, the proof of which is in the doing. To give a small example--and you have to look at the spirit of this, not the exact situation--when you wake up next to someone that being "in love" with has driven you to have sex with, and they happen to have nasty morning breath & look goofy snoring with their mouth wide open, can you still be "in love?" If you are a loving person, you know that this rather unattractive scene is temporary, and can tolerate it.

People are frequently "in love" with mystery & possibility associated with someone else. That will pass at some point, usually after a time of getting to know the other person or have direct experience with whatever it is you're looking for in them. If it does, and while being true to yourself you can still find them attractive or at least tolerable with respect to their less desirable qualities, then you will be able to show them love.

Many people, however, get hung up on the passing of those feelings; some even go from one situation to another precisely because they want that feeling and nothing more. None of this is particularly mature or healthy if not grown past. The smart-for-your-heart thing is to aim for that post-infatuation state; this approach means you'll be looking to see if you can love & be loved by that someone in ways that each of you want.

Based on this, I think more-somes are possible, if everyone is looking beyond the fascinating ideal of being in a progressive relationship, or whatever. This can't be easy if there is this longing for those feelings of being "in love" after they pass. Neither can it be easy if the fantasy is not recognized as such before reality sets in. It also helps to take a good, honest look at why you or your partner want this more-some to come about. Be realistic before being idealistic.

To really pull it off, you have to be prepared to give the others their space for being with each other, without you. What comes back to you is yours--nothing more. And when two of you return to the third, be sure to give that one some affection--what you give of yourself comes back to you.

Experience tells me not to get my hopes up that I'll team up with more than one person in the pursuit of life. One is enough for me; more than this would be great, but exponentially more difficult to find and maintain. I'm cool with that.

Now, where did I put that phone number to the local sex commune?

I value and respect this post but in my view, this is standard textbook stuff from the world of "popular psychology" - and it is codswallop.

I'll keep my poetry, my ecstasy and my tears, while you can keep your infatuation in the fridge

[frikidiki]

I value and respect this post but in my view, this is standard textbook stuff from the world of "popular psychology" - and it is codswallop.

I'll keep my poetry, my ecstasy and my tears, while you can keep your infatuation in the fridge


If this is what you call respect, you can keep it.

Any fool can feel or think something, and live their lives accordingly. It takes wisdom and maturity to do both, or to recognize the need for assistance when one is over one's head.

I offered my perspective, which consists of fundamental ways of approaching real love versus feelings alone, because I thought it would help, and if understood properly, it will.
I went back and read every other post on this thread, and I believe what I said is in line with the advice and perspectives given by the others. And if it's in line with pop psych, perhaps it's because certain sectors of pop psych recognize that there is more to life than theory, idealism, and dogma posing as an enlightened level of knowledge.

Your post, on the other hand, simply seems to have said, "it's possible, and if it feels good, do it." Unfortunately, it offered nothing regarding the how or why. That isn't good enough, when someone is really living, wanting, or feeling something and needs help.

Real love is proven, not felt. Intelligence and wisdom are only as valuable as the extent to which they are demonstrated. These statements will be true long after you and I are gone.

[darkeyes]

Real love is proven, not felt. Intelligence and wisdom are only as valuable as the extent to which they are demonstrated. These statements will be true long after you and I are gone.

Like your statement about "being in love" as no more than infatuation, I am interested to know how we can prove our love if we don't know we are in love? Without the feeling of love how do we know? I can accept that proving the strength and commitment of our love is important..but if love is not or cannot be felt cannot how then can we prove that we love or are in love? Quite simply we can't because with that scenario love would simply not exist and our world would be a far far more unhappy place than it currently is..

I love my parents and my brother and sister, and I love my partner and our children and yet the depth of feeling of my love for my partner is so much more, on a higher level and so completely different from those other "loves" that I am deeply IN love and am going through my life trying to prove that very fact.. the two arent quite synonimous.. the two definitions mean to me at least, something completely different. The love for the children is also different, hers being so much more than mine as she has that maternal bond which I do not, and yet is so strong as to be unbreakable... though not my natural children I have developed my own kind of maternal bond with them which would break my heart to see damaged in any way. I love my friends..not simply like or be fond of.. I genuinely feel love for them and my life would be a travesty without them... and would go and have gone to the greatest lengths whenever they have needed me...

Possibly I am missing something in what you say but I hardly think so. Both of your statements to which I refer seem quite definite... which is why I am unable to take them very seriously..

[parkerbi]

In fact, this seldom happen. I tried lots of 3some with my wife and never get into this situtation. Game is game. it's just for fun. We will not get this trouble if we hold the rule.

[TaylorMade]

Like your statement about "being in love" as no more than infatuation, I am interested to know how we can prove our love if we don't know we are in love? Without the feeling of love how do we know? I can accept that proving the strength and commitment of our love is important..but if love is not or cannot be felt cannot how then can we prove that we love or are in love? Quite simply we can't because with that scenario love would simply not exist and our world would be a far far more unhappy place than it currently is..

I love my parents and my brother and sister, and I love my partner and our children and yet the depth of feeling of my love for my partner is so much more, on a higher level and so completely different from those other "loves" that I am deeply IN love and am going through my life trying to prove that very fact.. the two arent quite synonimous.. the two definitions mean to me at least, something completely different. The love for the children is also different, hers being so much more than mine as she has that maternal bond which I do not, and yet is so strong as to be unbreakable... though not my natural children I have developed my own kind of maternal bond with them which would break my heart to see damaged in any way. I love my friends..not simply like or be fond of.. I genuinely feel love for them and my life would be a travesty without them... and would go and have gone to the greatest lengths whenever they have needed me...

Possibly I am missing something in what you say but I hardly think so. Both of your statements to which I refer seem quite definite... which is why I am unable to take them very seriously..

I think he's thinking of the practical ways we show love, especially in light of moving from infatuation to a real relationship. . .taking care of your partner and trying to do your best to nurture and help your partner grow. He's not tossing out feelings totally, but he's tossing out placing feelings above all.

What I don't get is Sara's "poetry and tears". After a certain point, that becomes tiring and wasted energy, ESPECIALLY if there is no action to back it up.

Action validates feeling. It's one thing to say you love someone and feel that love- - -that's great and all, but if you do nothing, what's the point? It's about going beyond feeling to doing. It not just shows the person you love how you feel, but reinforces your own feelings, I think.

*Taylor*

[frikidiki]

Like your statement about "being in love" as no more than infatuation, I am interested to know how we can prove our love if we don't know we are in love? Without the feeling of love how do we know? I can accept that proving the strength and commitment of our love is important..but if love is not or cannot be felt...how then can we prove that we love or are in love? Quite simply we can't because with that scenario love would simply not exist and our world would be a far far more unhappy place than it currently is...Possibly I am missing something in what you say but I hardly think so. Both of your statements to which I refer seem quite definite... which is why I am unable to take them very seriously..

Let me start by confessing something. If I were a yogi, I would primarily be a jnana. That ought to explain a few things about my approach to this topic. Canyadiggit?

I did say that falling or being "in love" is basically infatuation. I was actually referring to the initial feelings in romance, not the enduring feelings you referred to. I feel strongly that these initial feelings must not be allowed to dictate what we do, nor should they not be gotten past in favor of a more realistic approach to romance. Though the post was a reply to a thread about romance between three or more people, I can see that I may not have been as clear as I hoped, due to my choice of words. Thanks for helping me see this, and I hope I have corrected this mistake here. I'm sure to make it again sometime, too.

I realize you didn't intend primarily to argue semantics, but if we go with this and, allowing for possible lack of thoroughness in the following definition, acknowledge two basic meanings of love--feelings of affection, lust, caring, and/or deference; and action resulting from such feelings--keeping to the spirit of these and not the exact words, we arrive at the same thing, don't you agree?

You asked how we show love. I think you answered this question yourself very well--you said you prove your love, and do anything for these people. So, I would say you show real love, and not just feel it. You can make someone else feel loved through your actions. Do your loved ones feel loved, even if they don't always show they appreciate it? When they make you feel loved, isn't it because of something they did? That's all I was saying.

You distinguish between love for your partner, your stepchildren, your parents, and your friends. I know these feel different, in quality or quantity. As I see it, however, they are fundamentally the same; the difference is the context in which they're expressed. Some will say they disagree with this precisely because they feel different loves in the way you described. But for that very reason, and strictly on that note, it doesn't really matter if anyone agrees with me or sees it like I do.

I think it's important to consider these things as I've presented them because some people really need to do just that. These views can be taken for granted by those who already know--they'd say that this is basic stuff--but what of those who don't know? We are not just feeling creatures, nor are we simply vessels of facts, theories, and ideologies. We are both of these. To not think and feel is to live an incomplete life, and to not cultivate one through the other is equally deficient. This is not to put anyone down; in fact, most of us do think and feel, but lapse more or less often than others.

I speak from experience, of course. I also speak from a religious view that has incorporated the wisdom found in a book I read on love (but which have since lost, so I can't even credit someone properly--ironic, I think). My viewpoint on love has not only helped me to be more loving, but has put failures in my life into perspective while giving me a more focused approach to relationships and to knowing what I really want from others.

My viewpoint relates to this post because it is not only inclusive of the possibility of more-somes, but can serve as a guideline to making it work, provided it is built upon and not seen as merely final words. Someone once said that polyamory is free love with rules. Setting aside the apparently intrinsic contradiction and sarcasm, this statement actually rings true to me. If you follow the rules in question, aren't you acting in a loving way? One may call this respect for the rules, but doesn't respect involve deference? Some here have mentioned good communication; to listen and understand the needs and concerns of a partner or teammate, so to speak--can this not be seen as an act of love?

I believe that if we practice thinking about things in these terms, and are sufficiently motivated, we can become more loving, in the sense of action.

For my next act of love, I'm going to shut up for a while.

[frikidiki]

I think he's thinking of the practical ways we show love, especially in light of moving from infatuation to a real relationship...taking care of your partner and trying to do your best to nurture and help your partner grow. He's not tossing out feelings totally, but he's tossing out placing feelings above all...Action validates feeling. It's one thing to say you love someone and feel that love...if you do nothing, what's the point? It's about going beyond feeling to doing. It not just shows the person you love how you feel, but reinforces your own feelings, I think.


And on that note, I just thought of a couple more things I forgot.

Submitted for approval, a revision of an earlier statement. Real love is proven, not merely felt. Thanks, TaylorMade, and thanks again, darkeyes.

You can love someone and not be "in love" with them. My ex-wife told me this, and it was a shock to hear her say it at the time, but I understand it now.

You can also be "in love" with someone and not show them love. Lots of us have done this, and so have I.

I think that's everything now.

[Shy Sally]

I think most relationships are based on the imagination of living in a kind of dual union if you fall in love. But life doesn´t work only like this. We have many relations to many people around us and we can like a lot of them so what is the reason we cannot be in love with some of them at the same time? What´s the reason for hate and jelousy if you tell your friend that there´s someone else you´re in love with?

[csrakate]

My wife has several girlfriends she enjoys sex with but she does not have a "relationship" with any of them, they are friends with benefits, she never spends the night out with any of them or goes away with them and they are all married women with husbands who are open minded like me. Oooops...you made a mistake!!!! You are a woman huh? That's why you speak of your wife having friends with benefits and you being the understanding husband??? OH come on TROLL....you are just getting sloppier as time goes on.....I mean really....this is supposed to be YOUR profile!!!

"Bifemale looking 4 friends" 40 year old slimmer than average female from India

Try sticking to it!