Need some Help with Extremely Difficult Situation

[mhoram]

Hi All,

In the last few years I became aware that I was bi-sexual. I was with my ex at the time and that was part of the reason that I broke up with her. Unfortunately I became involved with another woman too quickly -- she was open to the idea of my experimentation and entertained thoughts of her own. We were both wild and had great sex. We were in love and became engaged.
More recently however her desires to experiment have gone and sex has become more routine. She is looking to a future with a big wedding and children and I'm becoming increasingly unable to see that in my future. She's also domineering and I find myself unable to stand up for myself.
So basically I know I want out of the relationship but I need, to know, am I bad person to do this to her? She is a good person and it will break her heart. And how would I go about doing this if I should?

[vittoria]

Wow.

She was wild and carefree and a good catch as it were, and now that she has "found her man" she has become like "ma" from "ma and pa kettle" or something? (ma and pa kettle is something from American film history.. look it up on the google... funny stuff)

Before breaking her heart, maybe you two should discuss that just because she wants kids and a family doesnt mean that she cant be wild and carefree anymore... she can still have gloriously wonderful sex and even have a couple of "joiners" for you two if you like and are so willing. Maybe I'm not reading your post right (which would be my own fault), but is it because she wants to female stereotype of kids that is scaring you off? I mean, you got engaged... getting engaged usually requires marriage, and isnt a word to take lightly. Some people for some reason sometimes think that just because they may get married that they have to be all serious and junk and "buckle down" as it were and no longer have any fun at all.

But like I said, its just a personal observation and I could be wrong.

[sointou]

You are unhappy now when the level of commitment is low. Imagine how you will feel a year after the wedding, or two, or five, or twenty. You will be unhappy, She will know you are unhappy and this will make her unhappy. And you'll have kids, which makes breaking the commitment that much more painful, and ups the misery index.

Talk, communicate, try to work it out. But be prepared to get out.

She may be more in love with idea of being married than being married to you, so be careful.

Don;t mean to sound like an ass, but been down this road and believe me, it ain't pretty.

[Realist]

mhoram,

I had almost the same situation and, like you, I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

As in your case, she was a good person, but had way too many aspirations for our future. She wanted kids and had our whole lives planned out for the future. She thought little of my interests as she developed her mindset of how our lives would be conducted. Our original sexual attraction waned at about this same time. Luckily, I knew I'd never want children, so I had a vasectomy at an early age, so there were no kids to deal with.

I knew from the onset that I didn't love her enough to marry, but let myself be carried along in the current. I was married to her for 23 years and during that time I went from being mildly satisfied, to complacent, to bored shitless, then to actually disliking her immensely!

I had affairs with 3 guys and 7 women in those 23 years. Hated the way I was living, the lies, covering up my real feelings, cheating....finally I woke up divorced her, then moved on.

I'm not telling you should do anything, one way or the other, just that my situation was similar and that's how I handled it......it was wrong at the beginning and got worse afterwards.

You should do what is best for you. To me, it looks like putting as much distance between you and this girl would your best choice. No matter how much it hurts her now, It'll be worse the longer you're with her!

From an old fart who'd been there, done that.

[**Peg**]

*another old fart wanders in*

Realist - 23 years you say? are you my X or what? :bigrin: been there did the 23 years too.

Vitt - back in the dark ages before you were a twinkle in ur daddy's eye, the engagement period was exactly designed to find out if, in fact, you DID want to marry a person... marriage was not considered inevitable by any stretch. Many engagements never made it to the altar.

sointou - excellent advice.

sooo mhoram: I'm old enough I feel I don't have to tiptoe around the bottom line - the advice you have received here is right on.

some of the red flags I picked up on in your posting are: "We were in love" and "She's also domineering" and "I know I want out ".

and fyi... preserving YOUR vision for YOUR future is not wrong and doesn't make you a bad person... it makes you a wise person to have seen these things before you married her.

get out while the getting is good, I see nothing but grief in your future if you go ahead and marry this woman.

best of luck to you,
Peg

[nc_wsbi101]

I agree you have gotten some good advice and you might want to talk it out. You won't be a bad guy if you don't marry her and don't worry, her heart will mend. We have all had our hearts broken.

You don't want to live a miserable existence, do you?? Listen to your gut and get out while you still can!!!! :2cents:


:female:

[Bi Boi Indiana]

G'day Mate,


I Really do not know what to tell you, other than Talk and talk and talk until your blue in the face! My Wife and i have been together for 16 years, Only married since 1999 tho! Recently with me "comming Out" To Her we have found that Communication is Essential to make this work ..... And like someone else has already said, just because you get married does not mean you have to buckle down and be all serious and stuff .... Im 38 years old, My 2nd wife that im with now, is 33, Our Kids are 18 & 19 years old .... That's where we are lucky, they are old enough to understand. And they accept "dad" For Who he is .... not what society thinks dad should be ....


I Wish you ALOT of Luck with this situation! Should you ever wanna talk, just Pm Me .... I'll lend a shoulder or just listen whichever ya need!

Good Luck Mate, :flag2:
Bill

[alegrias]

So basically I know I want out of the relationship but I need, to know, am I bad person to do this to her? She is a good person and it will break her heart. And how would I go about doing this if I should?

Yes, it will break her heart. But you'll be doing both of you a favor if you get out now, since you seem to want different things. That's the angle I would use. She wants monogamy, kids, etc. You want to continue to explore your sexuality. It wouldn't be fair to her to get married given that you both want different things. Tell her that she deserves to marry a man who will give her what she wants in life.

[someotherguy]

It's an extremely simple situation. You want different things and won't be happy together, so you have no choice but to say so and be done with it.

[Bluebiyou]

Two seemingly simple solutions:
1. Haul ass. No pass Go; no collect $200. It's a trap, run for your life. Her idea of love and entrapmen... I mean marriage are clearly two different things.

2. Plagiarize Nancy Reagan, just say 'no'. This relationship is not culminating for you, steer it back to where you want it.