It's about time I come clean...

[rissababynta]

Ok, I shared this little story with a few people in chat last night including Swimmie, richard, Marie, ntsure, and a few others. I have been speaking to a woman through email and we were getting ready to meet each other soon. She very casually said to me in an email yesterday that "If we click, wich she's sure we will, I will be the biggest girl she's ever been with". Now, I don't believe that she meant this as an insult, but I definitely took it as one. From other people's reactions of who I've told, apparently they took it this way as well. I think that it was more of her just stating a fact, but it was not tactful any way that you look at it.

I actually find humor in it right now, but yesterday I was really thrown off. I truly felt insulted.

Now, a lot of you know this about me, but not all. I constantly talk about my weight and make fun of myself in these forums and in chat. I make people laugh with my comments and occasionally get a good laugh myself. No one ever realizes that I have horrible self esteem and for the majority of my life I've hated myself. I mean, absolutely HATED myself. I really haven't told anyone here about this becaus the last thing I want is a pity party or people to think that I'm searching for attention. I just feel compelled to tell you all now because I can feel it getting worse and I don't want people to start getting annoyed at me for constantly putting myself down or something like that. I want you all to know where I am coming from.

When I was about 14 years old, I had a very low point in my life and I became anorexic and bulemic. I've never been much of a food person so it came easily for me. Since then, I've always had problems with it. I refer to alcoholism when I speak about it: You are always recovering. Since then, I've had many relapses and about a week and a half ago I went 5 days without eating and making myself throw up. I felt awful and it wasn't until a few days ago that I started eating again because my husband was threatening to have me admitted into the hospital. I don't believe I went any further than I could handle though because I knew I had babies I had to take care of during the day.

Now, I tell you this story, because my eating habits are the reason why I'm fat. I royally screwed up my metabolism from that experience 8 years ago. Also since then, I eat maybe once a day...many times I skip whole days. I've alway been very bad when it comes to food, because I hate eating. I'm a very picky eater, I hate fat, and I disect all of my food to make sure that there is no fat or gizzle or anything on it (bacon is out of the question for me as you can imagine). A few years ago my doctor told me that if I would eat regularly, even if it wasn't the most healthy food, I would lose a lot of weight because as of right now, my body has no idea the next time that it is going to get food. So because of that, everytime I eat my body latches onto every calory. So, it's not because I just sit around on my ass all day eating donuts as many people seem to think when they look at me lol.

The thing that hurt so much about what that woman sad yesterday is that I TOLD her all of this two emails prior to her comment. I was just sitting there like WHAT THE FUCK??!! Can't you see that I've already got self esteem problems without you reminding me that I'm a fat ass lady! Sheesh lol.

So anyway, like I said, I'm not looking for a pity party or attention. I just felt that it wasn't right for me to try to hide this major part of myself from you guys anymore. I've grown to really love and care about all of you and trust you all with any problems I may have and I didn't want anyone to get mad about me constantly talking about my fat without seeing first WHY my fat was such a major focus of mine.

OOOOk...I'm gonna shut up now cause I'm just rambling now haha.

[csrakate]

Rissa,
Those of us who have grown to know and love you have already noticed that part of you and had concerns last week when you were obviously not eating. But what you need to know is that there is so much more to you than what you perceive yourself to be. I urge you to work on that self esteem, to learn to love yourself before expecting others to do so and to seek some help before you let this cycle take over your life once more. I know of the pain you speak...I have fought weight issues my entire life and I know that when I am not happy with myself, I won't and can't allow anyone else to do so. I've recently lost a great deal of weight, but it's taken me a long time to do so....losing it slowly and through changing my eating habits and dealing with my emotional issues through self discovery and reflection instead of eating for comfort. I hate to admit that upon losing this weight that I feel much better about myself....I hate that I also need to feel accepted as "normal" by today's standards of beauty in order to feel good about myself...but what I am trying to say is that I finally had to learn that starving myself or punishing myself through such means was not the way to go about affecting such a change in my personal acceptance of myself.

I am so sorry that this girl had to be so insensitive and I am sure she never meant it to sound so crass, especially after you had been so open with her about it. BUT, she obviously has seen something enticing about you in learning about you without meeting face to face, so try to see the beauty of THAT instead of dwelling on the negative. Obviously your personality and charm needed no body attached to attract her....BUT..that being said, don't allow her to make you feel any less accepting of yourself because of a few, ill chosen words.

Hugs,
Kate

[Realist]

Rissa, I really feel for you, Honey.

In my eyes, you are a pretty, bright and sensuous. And, I see no reason for you to allow anyone to hurt your feelings because of their shallow opinions. However, like everyone else, there are comments that can cut you to the bone. It's difficult to over-look unthinking and inconsiderate words. I see that you are very sensitive about this issue, and people's attitudes and opinions can be extremely hurtful, and I know they can impact on your self esteem.

I'm not a psychology guru and don't know how to help you with this issue, but I doubt if your husband would swap you off for anyone he knows! If the lady you were interested in meeting, is insensitive enough to make an off-shoulder comment about your size, maybe you're better off not making that connection.

My GF is like you, in some ways. She is pretty, very smart, quick-witted and exceptionally open-minded. She is also larger than Twiggy........which is just fine with me.

Personally, I enjoy knowing that I can hug her without breaking her. Her voluptuousness is much more appealing to me than a lady with a fashion ramp figure. To each his own. I have no problem with anyone else's interests, and would never condemn them for their tastes....as long as they keep their unsolicited comments to themselves.

There are those who love you and accept you for who you are. Then, there are those who will always use their inconsiderate, superficial, venom to cut you down. Please know that you are loved by some and they are the ones who count.

[onewhocares]

There are those who love you and accept you for who you are. Then, there are those who will always use their inconsiderate, superficial, venom to cut you down. Please know that you are loved by some and they are the ones who count.

Rissa,

Thank you for sharing these feelings with us. You are not alone in your thoughts. For so long I too used self deprecating humor to make note of my size before others did. I always felt that a six foot tall chubby chick stood out like a sore thumb and never thought a man would be attracted to me. When my husband and I met he was thin and in twenty years he put on alot of weight while I have been pretty much the same size so I never really thought it was an issue. I always made sure that I was attractively dressed and looked nice.

[rissababynta]

I have also dressed appropriately. If something made my fat bulge then oh well, not wearing that one out lol.

Might I add that I've had 3 kids in a little over 3 years...yeah, not all of us can look like Jessica Alba after that ordeal lmao.

[onewhocares]

There are those who love you and accept you for who you are. Then, there are those who will always use their inconsiderate, superficial, venom to cut you down. Please know that you are loved by some and they are the ones who count.

Rissa,

Thank you for sharing these feelings with us. You are not alone in your thoughts. For so long I too used self deprecating humor to make note of my size before others did. I always felt that a six foot tall chubby chick stood out like a sore thumb and never thought a man would be attracted to me. I always made sure that I was attractively dressed and looked nice. People around me said that I was pretty but I never believed it. Three years ago when we came into the bi lifestyle and I realized that I would have to meet people for a relationship. I have always known that I have a great and engaging personality but was that going to be enough when much of this world is based on looks. Well...as time went along...my looks did not seem to be an issue, not the way that I thought that they would be. Then along came this man who was to become our lover. Imagine..someone other than my husband would want me. Want me in his life as his friend and more. He was the first person to actually get me to believe that I was beautiful..it took him over a year of reinforcing what others thought all along but I did not see. He was one part of the journey to finding out who I really am..everyone else liked me....the one who really was getting to know me was ME.

This is a timely question as a matter of fact. Just last night my husband...who in the last two years has lost about 130 pounds and I were talking. When my husband and I met he was thin and in twenty years he put on alot of weight while I have been pretty much the same size so I never really thought it was an issue. He is still getting adjusted to his new body and he likes it that he can go shopping in a "normal" store and not the big mans store. He spoke of how he is one of the "beautiful" people now and how people accept him more often. I said that if loosing weight is what makes HIM happy and he did it for HIM that is one thing, but to do it for others in the wrong reason.

I said that it took me so long to accept me as I am that I am now happy with the way I am and I am the only one who can make me happy. He often comments that when I have been with " a friend" or we have shared " a friend" that I radiate and seem so happy and in a good mood and I said yes because I know that there is a whole person there sharing myself...mind, heart, body and soul. I made mention that until HE comes to accept the person within himself be it thin as he is now or as he was then, no one can make him happy.

This morning when we were talking he said to me that he is really proud of the way that I spoke last night and that he should take my example of being happy with myself. I said that people have to accept me as I am or THEY are missing out on something nice in their lives. For me...all it took was one person to make me see me.



Belle

[gfofbiguy]

I said that it took me so long to accept me as I am that I am now happy with the way I am and I am the only one who can make me happy. He often comments that when I have been with " a friend" or we have shared " a friend" that I radiate and seem so happy and in a good mood and I said yes because I know that there is a whole person there sharing myself...mind, heart, body and soul. I made mention that until HE comes to accept the person within himself be it thin as he is now or as he was then, no one can make him happy.

This morning when we were talking he said to me that he is really proud of the way that I spoke last night and that he should take my example of being happy with myself. I said that people have to accept me as I am or THEY are missing out on something nice in their lives. For me...all it took was one person to make me see me.

Belle

This is so very true. When I was married, I had had some medical problems (nerve damage to my right leg) that caused me to gain weight, as it was difficult for me to even walk without being in excruciating pain. My self-esteem went down the toilet from that (as well as marriage problems). As the years went on, the pain has subsided, I got divorced and lost about 65 pounds (plus 270 pounds of ex-husband LOL). It was really hard readjusting to my new body size, even though I had been that size before, but it had been quite a number of years. I felt great though, mentally and physically. But it was still a shock to see myself in a mirror sometimes LOL

Now I have gained *some* weight back in my 3-year relationship with 'Newbie, but also I am working hard on losing that weight, because I felt good - physically and mentally - when I had been a smaller size. Part of that weight gain has been because of a major job change - I went from working in an office, running around all the time (my printer was in another person's office, so I had to be up and down out of my chair every 2-5 minutes throughout the day) to working from home and not having to get up out of my chair for hours if I so chose.

Anywho, I think that, yes, she did make a very insensitive remark to you, Rissa. I have always thought you were very pretty and attractive. I know it is hard to change eating habits - especially after going through what you have with anorexia and bulimia - but if I can do this (I was also doing the same thing, eating once a day, sometimes every other day and putting on weight again), changing to eating small "meals" (about 6) throughout the day works wonders. Even just an apple as a meal. But your body, like your doc said, doesn't know when it's next meal is coming from and is saving all the calories from each time you DO eat. You CAN reset your metabolism if you start eating six small meals a day. Just to keep your metabolism up, if for no other reason. Plus, I don't know about you, but I suffer from really bad headaches when I don't eat anything - not to mention I can be a crabby-ass! LOL

If you need an online partner to chat with about this - work on this together, feel free to email me :)

~~Gfofbiguy

[Lonewolf76]

Rissa,

Sweet beautiful LADY - I recently saw Wynona Judd on TV. As most know "Wy" has always struggled with her weight. She said something that I found most profound. quote "I struggled - but then I came to realize that I am sooooo much more than a number on a scale." You are so much more than that as well. My grandmother (God bless her) has always been - what we call in Indiana - a hefty woman. Her weight didn't matter to all of us, to her children, and to her friends, because her inner beauty was what mattered most. She once said - "Those who truly matter see me for who I am and those that don't matter - never will." Very true words from a woman who knew who she was and was comfortable in her own skin.

I am a nurse and the Dr. is right - If you eat sporadically - your bodies natural reaction is to store everything because it doesn't know when the next food shipment will arrive. That slows your metabolism down to a crawl. If your weight isn't a health issue and you are happy with where you are at - then - my grandmothers words and Wynonas come into play - those that matter see you for you and those that don't never will and you are much more than a number on a scale. If YOU are not happy with your weight for you personally (not because of outside influences - I agree 100% with Belle on that point!) then I would suggest speaking with your doctor and having him send you for a dietary consultation. We often think that we are tackling things alone and that we are in new territory - because it is all new to us - you are not in new territory sweetie - you are NOT the first anorexic/bulemic who now has weight control difficulties - they've seen it plenty before and can get you the help you need to SAFELY regulate your diet so that you can eat everyday and get your metabolism up and running again. YOU DO WHAT'S RIGHT FOR YOU. Oh and one last thing beautiful -- you still make me HHHHHOWWWWLLLLL! :devil: LW

[rissababynta]

Oh and one last thing beautiful -- you still make me HHHHHOWWWWLLLLL! :devil: LW

Oh Wolf you tease! You know what that does to me lol:tong:

[csrakate]

You know, whenever my weight would go up, my husband never seemed to want me any less and I knew in my heart that he loved me regardless. He did, however, have issues with MY attitude during that time. He could see that MY perception of myself made me inhibited and far less sexual than I could be when I was smaller. I realized that in doing so, I not only was punishing myself, but punishing him as well. In time I learned to get over it, accepting myself no matter what my size. When the time came for me to lose this weight, I did so for MYSELF....not for him and it made it much easier to deal with. It's very much like how an addict can only get help when THEY want it, not when others demand it.

I applaud the men and women who can see past the physical and love the person underneath....and I am so thankful that I have a loving husband who allowed me the time to do things the right way.

Kate

[MarieDelta]

Rissa honey,

You are gorgeous, bright, smart and witty. I think you are pretty wonderful and if this gal cant see that, then she obviously doesnt have the brains it would require to "click" with you.

She sounds like she is a shallow lil' thing with no soul.

I do understand what its like to be something outside the norm and have people reject you for it, and its not fun. Please dont let these folks drive you to be unhealthy, we need people like you around to make the world a better and more heart filled place. I , for one, would be greatly grieved to learn that you were hurting yourself due to this.

Society's standards be damned, I have my own and you far exceed them.

Hugs and love and stuff.

Marie

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Hon, take it from someone who has struggled with their weight all their life; I Know what you are experiancing, but on the other end of the spectrum. Having the three babies back to back caused my whole metobolism to go haywire, and I put on a huge amount of weight after my largest child was born. No matter What I did, the weight kept piling on and even the Doctors were stumped. Even when my jaw was wired shut I put on 10 pounds from just drinking soup through a straw! :disgust:

Before I broke my back in 1991 I was a very active person, and when the accident happened, it slowed me down for 9 months. I couldnt do the things I Used to and it was bad on me mentally And physically. My self esteem level Really went down because of the remarks the ex would make, and the weight kept coming, even though I was on a 2,400 calorie diet at the time.

Since I left him I lost 110 pounds, and was very active again, and was losing weight at a nice rate. Then the bone deterioriation began. Anyone that's experianced this knows how painful it is. I went from chucking logs and stacking cords of wood on a daily basis to being barely able to make it down a flight of stairs. And again my weight started coming back, so I began eating only twice a day, and the Doc says this is the wrong way to go about it. He's suggesting 4-5 small meals a per day. Well, thats all fine and dandy if your stomach will Handle that. Mine wont. He told me the same thing he told you. The body says, "Crap, I dont know when theres gunna be more food, I best store as much as I can Now" He called it Squirril syndrome..lol
I'm a big person and no matter what I do, I'm going to remain a big person, short of Lap Band surgery and the new Doc may recomend that in the long run...but at my age its doubtful.

The key is for you, dont starve yourself, it doesnt do the body any good at all, and can cause the internal organs to give way eventually, and you've got too much to do to be laid up. You've got a family to take care of, and thats vastly more important that the opinion of some chick you havent even met yet. You're you, Babygirl, dont let Anyone put you down or make you feel any less of you than you Are. Make yourself healthy, but seek the help of a good nutritionist like I do.
Just be You, Baby. Thats the best advice anyone could possibly tell you.
Hugz
Cat

[Realist]

Cat,

That reminds me of recently seeing a girl I knew years ago, from high school. I was learning where she'd been, what she'd done, and how her life was going, in the 50 years since I'd seen her last.

She was telling me she'd lost 220 pounds over the past 5 months!

I thought that was an awful lot of weight to lose in that short of time. I was amazed because she'd only been mildly plump in school...and everything had been stored in very nice locations, too! In fact, she still looked pretty good to me.

When I seem astonished at her massive weight-loss, she continued, "........yeah, I lost 15 pounds by cutting down on fats, portions and deserts. Then divorced that asshole, Willis, and got rid of 205 pounds of ugly fat, too!"

I guess you lost some in your divorce, too!

[BrotherJack]

:bigrin:
Ok, I shared this little story with a few people in chat last night including Swimmie, richard, Marie, ntsure, and a few others. I have been speaking to a woman through email and we were getting ready to meet each other soon. She very casually said to me in an email yesterday that "If we click, wich she's sure we will, I will be the biggest girl she's ever been with". Now, I don't believe that she meant this as an insult, but I definitely took it as one. From other people's reactions of who I've told, apparently they took it this way as well. I think that it was more of her just stating a fact, but it was not tactful any way that you look at it.

I actually find humor in it right now, but yesterday I was really thrown off. I truly felt insulted.

Now, a lot of you know this about me, but not all. I constantly talk about my weight and make fun of myself in these forums and in chat. I make people laugh with my comments and occasionally get a good laugh myself. No one ever realizes that I have horrible self esteem and for the majority of my life I've hated myself. I mean, absolutely HATED myself. I really haven't told anyone here about this becaus the last thing I want is a pity party or people to think that I'm searching for attention. I just feel compelled to tell you all now because I can feel it getting worse and I don't want people to start getting annoyed at me for constantly putting myself down or something like that. I want you all to know where I am coming from.

When I was about 14 years old, I had a very low point in my life and I became anorexic and bulemic. I've never been much of a food person so it came easily for me. Since then, I've always had problems with it. I refer to alcoholism when I speak about it: You are always recovering. Since then, I've had many relapses and about a week and a half ago I went 5 days without eating and making myself throw up. I felt awful and it wasn't until a few days ago that I started eating again because my husband was threatening to have me admitted into the hospital. I don't believe I went any further than I could handle though because I knew I had babies I had to take care of during the day.

Now, I tell you this story, because my eating habits are the reason why I'm fat. I royally screwed up my metabolism from that experience 8 years ago. Also since then, I eat maybe once a day...many times I skip whole days. I've alway been very bad when it comes to food, because I hate eating. I'm a very picky eater, I hate fat, and I disect all of my food to make sure that there is no fat or gizzle or anything on it (bacon is out of the question for me as you can imagine). A few years ago my doctor told me that if I would eat regularly, even if it wasn't the most healthy food, I would lose a lot of weight because as of right now, my body has no idea the next time that it is going to get food. So because of that, everytime I eat my body latches onto every calory. So, it's not because I just sit around on my ass all day eating donuts as many people seem to think when they look at me lol.

The thing that hurt so much about what that woman sad yesterday is that I TOLD her all of this two emails prior to her comment. I was just sitting there like WHAT THE FUCK??!! Can't you see that I've already got self esteem problems without you reminding me that I'm a fat ass lady! Sheesh lol.

So anyway, like I said, I'm not looking for a pity party or attention. I just felt that it wasn't right for me to try to hide this major part of myself from you guys anymore. I've grown to really love and care about all of you and trust you all with any problems I may have and I didn't want anyone to get mad about me constantly talking about my fat without seeing first WHY my fat was such a major focus of mine.

OOOOk...I'm gonna shut up now cause I'm just rambling now haha.

Rissa, it is obvious from your posts, that you are an intelligent, articulate young woman and a very pretty one (don't worry...you're safe....I'm straight....it's the mother coming out in me....my daughter is not much younger than you...and she is beautiful....all mothers think that their daughters and their daughter's friends, are beautiful).

You seem...in your posts, to come over as a very confident person. However, I know from personal experience that we are all capable, of giving off this air of being confident, when in fact, inside, we fee quite the opposite.

So...you're a little overweight...So what...if you are active...generally healthy...and the extra weight is not causing you problems...love yourself for who you are....and the true you is on the inside.

I was overwight until two and a half years ago. Like many other people, I didn't start out that way, though I have never been skinny. Childbirth, stress, age, the wrong diet, unhappiness....all of these can cause us to put on weight. Some people think that it means the overweight person is lazy...or greedy...stuffing themself with food........NOT TRUE!! but then you know that.

For me, it was necessary to lose the weight. I was becoming ill. However. one has to have focus and be very strong. I didn't diet....NO ONE should EVER diet...unless it is a special diet suggested by a doctor and worked out, with a dietician.

I ate three times a day.....cut out all the rubbish....ate plenty of fruit and salad vegetables and eventually couldn't bare the taste of anything umnaturally sweetened. However, Never did I say...''I will never eat another cream cake or a bar of chocolate, ever again''......decisions like that, usually lead to failure.

So two and a half years on and heading for over 90lbs less, in weight....do I feel more healthy....In some ways...Yes....in others...No. I still have my bad back, but the weight loss has obviously helped a little. I still cannot get rid of the oedema in my feet or legs....so need to tak medication for that...but!!!.....I'm me again. I can see the person I looked like when I was 40...though a little older....but heck....I don't look my age. I know I'm attractive....and to be told one is...well, that feels even better.

I left behind...with the weight loss...a lot of hurt and anger and I have grown as a person. I found that I could love again and the person I love, though estranged from me at this present time, inspired me to find within myself, abilities which had lain dormant. It's a great feeling...in some ways....but are there down sides......Yes....an obese body that one hates...becomes a slimmer body...that one still hates. For when losing weight and so much weight...and being older...their is a price to pay.....but heck...I just have to reming myself...that I have come this far...and seeing as I am not thinking of walking down any public roads, naked, I can dress to look good. This is something which you say you do.

If you are healthy, active, loved for who you are, and have the confidence and abilities you appear to have.....then you will eventually overcome any self doubts......even if you have to keep kicking yourself in the butt.

Be the talented instrumentalist...singer...mother...wife....friend ...daughter....tc etc etc.....that's all you need to be....and be loved for you are....on the outside...sure...but more importantly on the inside......and...in a saying a dear friend used to use.....''Don't let the bastards grind you down''

I think you'll do OK.....and as for any critics.....you know what to say.....''Go figure''....:bigrin:

[rissababynta]

BrotherJack, I would just like to say that I am SO happy that you are maing normal posts now lol. You are a very sweet person.

See, the thing is, I am not really that upset about my weight. I am chubby, but I am not FAT. I am also not unhealthy because of my weight (mainly from being a smoker if anything lol). It is not the most important thing to me and I don't have any drive to lose it since it's not a big deal to me. BUT...that is just my way of dealing with unhappiness. It's kind of like cutting. Some people cut because it releases endorphins, some people cut to have something visual to look at for pain instead of just sitting back and dealing with the inner pain. It's kind of like the latter for me. Anytime anything ever happens, I don't have an appetite. And it's so easy for me because I don't have a good appetite to begin with. Even when life is geat, I still don't like food.

It may seem easy to just go see a nutritionist, but that only works if you like to eat. If you can't seem to bring yourself to eat more than one meal a day, if that, then there is more going on than just a nutrionist can take care of unfortunately :-(