Why don't men like to come forward about being bisexual

[Scottbareback]

Does any one really know why some men dont really come out being bisexual? Even when we all know some men think what it would be like having a cock to suck on or even get fuck by another man. I have found that some strieght men who would love to being with a guy but thinks it wrong.

[M. Wolfe]

The pressure to socially conform is a tough one, which is related to the perception that it affects one's manliness.

I can't think of any others, off hand.

[KevsBi]

Being a bisexual man, to me, is a guilty pleasure. Personally I enjoy being alone and intimate with another man but would die if any of my friends or family ever knew that. In our society, at least where I'm from, that type of lifestyle is frowned upon but its perfectly acceptable for two girls to hug and kiss on each other.

[bret5668]

Does any one really know why some men dont really come out being bisexual? Even when we all know some men think what it would be like having a cock to suck on or even get fuck by another man. I have found that some strieght men who would love to being with a guy but thinks it wrong.


Many people are too busy worrying about others perceptions of them, instead of just being who and what they choose to be. This applies to all aspects of life, not just one's choice of sexuality.

[Realist]

I think that those with really strong family ties, where religion and instilled morals are deeply rooted, are more prone to be secretive. Being Southern may have something to do with it, too. I'm an older man and, although I've know I was bisexual since about the age of 13, no one in my immediate family, most of my close friends, and no others have ever known. I am comfortable with only a select few knowing about that side of me. My GF, who is also bi, knows and of course the few men I've been with know, but that's it. I never understood why anyone who was not directly involved with me emotionally and sexually should know.

[darkeyes]

Being a bisexual man, to me, is a guilty pleasure. Personally I enjoy being alone and intimate with another man but would die if any of my friends or family ever knew that. In our society, at least where I'm from, that type of lifestyle is frowned upon but its perfectly acceptable for two girls to hug and kiss on each other.

Parta ya ansa rite ther.. substantially its a str8 mans world still.. or so they like 2 think.. lotsa str8 guys get off on lesbian sex an the idea a 3 somes wiv 2 girls.. an society's attitudes follow 'long.. sad but so..:(

[Stroker90803]

Simple:

(1) Because a lot of the men are married and looking for that extra thing in their lives and their wives would never understand, and/or
(2) Women tend to avoid bi-men. The lesbians hate men so cross them off immediately. Straight women either can't cope with the thought of going with a guy who will do it with other guys (even mfm) or they have fears of "male STDs, i.e. HIV).

Men will accept bi-men. It takes a special womanto accept them.

[TaylorMade]

Simple:

(1) Because a lot of the men are married and looking for that extra thing in their lives and their wives would never understand, and/or
(2) Women tend to avoid bi-men. The lesbians hate men so cross them off immediately. Straight women either can't cope with the thought of going with a guy who will do it with other guys (even mfm) or they have fears of "male STDs, i.e. HIV).

Men will accept bi-men. It takes a special womanto accept them.

There's your answer. It freaks women out. I know of bisexual men who wouldn't come out to their friends, but once they find a woman they can come out to (if they are oriented towards women) and potentially share with (not necessarily sexually either), you can almost SEE the difference in how much happier they are.

*Taylor*

[M. Wolfe]

That's interesting. Why do women have an aversion to male bisexuality? Ican't fathom a rational explanation.

I always thought that it may aid the guy to get the girl. Am I dead wrong?

[aheatseeker]

it is the person's choice if they want to be out or not. some think they have to be on the roof and wave their sexuality to the whole world when they really want acceptance and attention from others and their loved ones. others are comfortable and secure with themselves and think it is a private matter like me. and many want to keep their kinky side private from family and friends and business world. why rock the boat when you can have your cake and eat it also. if people want to try bi or gay, then it is up to them to try it and not for others to make them or change the whole world to be like them. that is my 2 cents so dont ask for a nickel.

[AmericanBeauty]

Does any one really know why some men dont really come out being bisexual? Even when we all know some men think what it would be like having a cock to suck on or even get fuck by another man. I have found that some strieght men who would love to being with a guy but thinks it wrong.

Because they are closeted and stay in the closet, and are full of self loathing and are afraid to come out and be themselves, and whatever other excuses they use to justify staying closeted.

People can blame it on women not accepting bisexual men (this is not true), or society but ultimately it's up to the person and it's their choice to remain closeted and full of self loathing about themselves as a person and their sexuality.

Replies in this thread by closeted men are self evident of this.

Fuck that. I'm out (to family, friends, and at work), and have been since I was a teenager and I'm never going back into the closet.

[Storm2008]

That's interesting. Why do women have an aversion to male bisexuality? Ican't fathom a rational explanation.
Right there with ya, and I'm a woman.


I always thought that it may aid the guy to get the girl. Am I dead wrong?
Nope.

[Storm2008]

Because they are closeted and stay in the closet, and are full of self loathing and are afraid to come out and be themselves, and whatever other excuses they use to justify staying closeted.

People can blame it on women not accepting bisexual men (this is not true), or society but ultimately it's up to the person and it's their choice to remain closeted and full of self loathing about themselves as a person and their sexuality.

Replies in this thread by closeted men are self evident of this.

Fuck that. I'm out (to family, friends, and at work), and have been since I was a teenager and I'm never going back into the closet.
I don't think everyone who's in the closet is self-loathing. I'm still in the closet with my grandmother, because I don't want to upset her. I'm not real happy about that, but it's the way it is.

[IanBorthwick]

substantially its a str8 mans world still.. or so they like 2 think..

I'll agree to disagree with this for substantial reasons. More than anything, you can't know what it's like to be a bi or straight male anymore than you can look out their eyes. Fact is, I have never felt more privileged only showered with more demands and more responsibilities with less ability to escape or moderate it. It's part of why I was boxed into a straight role in society after years of molestation and physical abuse to "Toughen me up".

[totchune]

Does any one really know why some men dont really come out being bisexual? Even when we all know some men think what it would be like having a cock to suck on or even get fuck by another man. I have found that some strieght men who would love to being with a guy but thinks it wrong.

Why the need to come out to the entire world?....Come out to one or two persons with whom you have a meaningful relationship and feel close, but who else needs to know?...
Some straight men like anal sex with their wives or girlfriends, and some straight women enjoy it...Do they "come out" to all their families and friends about these things?
Sex is really a private matter, furthermore even the label of "bisexuality", even though it expends the horizon quite a bit, is still yet another label, another box. You might be bisexual for a few years and then no longer be...or the desire might come and go, unpredictably, lying dormant for months at a time...So do you tell the entire world every time you change, grow, etc, and explain each and everyone of your preferences, feelings, doubts and actions in case there is confusion in the troops?
I think it is crucial for society to acknowledge and validate bisexuality at last, but not necessary for every bisexual to conform to any rigid bisexual label or code of conduct, or become militant.
Individual liberation, in my mind, is one of the things bisexuality should be about, not another call for a new form of conformity.

[Storm2008]

Why the need to come out to the entire world?....Come out to one or two persons with whom you have a meaningful relationship and feel close, but who else needs to know?...
Because, to me, being bi isn't about sex. It's about who I am.

[totchune]

Because, to me, being bi isn't about sex. It's about who I am.

Okay, I understand and agree, but to those who write about being out and seem a little self-righteous about it, why then don't you have your real names on this site?
I mean, isn't this a bit of a contradiction?
I participate in a couple of blogs and on line news, and no matter how controversial my comments, I use my full and real name, because I am "out" as an activist (Native American issues and the environment) even and especially when I am threatened by red necks, which happens quit a bit.

[M. Wolfe]

Right there with ya, and I'm a woman.
But I assume you're bisexual, so you aren't going to percieve a male bisexual in the same way that a strait women would. You would be able to understand, to some extent, how he works...
Maybe this is a fear-of-the-unknown/misunderstood thing. Maybe strait women think that their man's bisexuality may compromise or threaten the relationship. Guys won't see it this way. Having a bisexual GF would be instantly hot (he'd think it may be likely there would be 3some in the future), AND if he lost his gf to anyone, he'd probably prefer it to be another girl - again, hotness.


Nope.
I know that 'some' girls find male-male fantasies/porn/etc. erotic in the same way that 90% of guys find lesbianism erotic. I'm not sure how common that is in gals but I've known a few who did.

I pictured myself talking away to a prospective gf and the subject some up of gays and lesbians and she says something like "you know I find gay love rather hot." To which I'd respond, "Really? ... So do I." And then BAM! Instant chemistry.

[boca.openminded]

That's interesting. Why do women have an aversion to male bisexuality? Ican't fathom a rational explanation.

I always thought that it may aid the guy to get the girl. Am I dead wrong?


I am trying to remember what a female friend of mine once said but I can't remember word for word so I hope you understand what I am trying to say...

She told me that if she found out her bf was bi she'd dump him immediately. She feels threatened by a guy that seeks other men because its something that she can't give him. As a women she can give a str8 man everything (mentally & physically) that he wants and through time she will learn more & more about him. BUT, with a bi man she does not have a penis therefore she'd be incomplete and he will constantly seek another person to complete him.

This in a nutshell is what she said. 1) I hope you understand my babble and 2) do not kill the messenger... lol


I still do not understand why anybody (str8, bi, or gay) has to tell anyone anything. I read someone saying that she did not tell her grandmother because it would upset her. Why tell her anyway? If you were str8 would you tell her that? I'm sorry but I do not understand why anyone has to know anything.

Me personally, I do not like labels. I think society (I hate that word) judges people by their labels (black, white, gay, str8, rich, poor, republican, democrat, etc) and that is one of the major problems in our world. What happened to the saying "We the people.... " .

so, if you want to label me then I am a WE!

[Storm2008]

Okay, I understand and agree, but to those who write about being out and seem a little self-righteous about it, why then don't you have your real names on this site?
I mean, isn't this a bit of a contradiction?
What does internet safety have to do with queer pride? You might as well ask why I don't post my social securtiy number.


I participate in a couple of blogs and on line news, and no matter how controversial my comments, I use my full and real name, because I am "out" as an activist (Native American issues and the environment) even and especially when I am threatened by red necks, which happens quit a bit.
Unless you're talking about professional journalism or something similar, I think that crosses the line from bravery to stupidity.

[Storm2008]

I read someone saying that she did not tell her grandmother because it would upset her. Why tell her anyway? If you were str8 would you tell her that? I'm sorry but I do not understand why anyone has to know anything.
If I were straight, I wouldn't have to tell her.

As for why, because being in the closet is dishonest. I tell her when I date a guy, but have to lie about what I'm doing when I date a girl. Last night I went to a Women Seeking Women event, and I had to lie about that.

[csrakate]

Maybe this is a fear-of-the-unknown/misunderstood thing. Maybe strait women think that their man's bisexuality may compromise or threaten the relationship. Guys won't see it this way. Having a bisexual GF would be instantly hot (he'd think it may be likely there would be 3some in the future), AND if he lost his gf to anyone, he'd probably prefer it to be another girl - again, hotness.



I have to attribute this comment to your youth and I realize that you are speaking hypothetically...but no one who is in a relationship, be it bisexual, gay or straight, goes into said relationship with thoughts of losing that person to anyone....and just because it would possibly be a woman makes me wonder how that could be considered so hot instead of painful just the same, not to mention that making an assumption that there may be a 3some in your future would not be met with some resistance. Relationships are about much more than the prospect of who you may lose them to....it's about building love and trust...and that love and trust is something that DOES get tested when the prospect of loving a person is doubled by their attraction to more than just the opposite sex. So yes...many straight women DO fear the unknown, but as I have learned over the years, love and trust doesn't always culminate in losing anyone...and mutual love and respect sometimes negates either partner wanting to stray. And if they have an open relationship where there is understanding that same sex attractions may indeed end with some true dalliance, then that is something that the couple has many times agreed to as a couple. I promise you that there can be just as much anxiety and angst when you are dealing with a bisexual partner as a bisexual yourself...especially when you have fallen in love with that person. Don't automatically assume that having a bisexual girlfriend will lessen any trials and tribulations that may arise in that relationship.

[M. Wolfe]

I have to attribute this comment to your youth and I realize that you are speaking hypothetically...but no one who is in a relationship, be it bisexual, gay or straight, goes into said relationship with thoughts of losing that person to anyone....and just because it would possibly be a woman makes me wonder how that could be considered so hot instead of painful just the same, not to mention that making an assumption that there may be a 3some in your future would not be met with some resistance. Relationships are about much more than the prospect of who you may lose them to....it's about building love and trust...and that love and trust is something that DOES get tested when the prospect of loving a person is doubled by their attraction to more than just the opposite sex. So yes...many straight women DO fear the unknown, but as I have learned over the years, love and trust doesn't always culminate in losing anyone...and mutual love and respect sometimes negates either partner wanting to stray. And if they have an open relationship where there is understanding that same sex attractions may indeed end with some true dalliance, then that is something that the couple has many times agreed to as a couple. I promise you that there can be just as much anxiety and angst when you are dealing with a bisexual partner as a bisexual yourself...especially when you have fallen in love with that person. Don't automatically assume that having a bisexual girlfriend will lessen any trials and tribulations that may arise in that relationship.

I was thinking aloud when I said that and reflecting on conversations I had had with my strait friends in the past. The rationale was that losing a GF would be upsetting sure, but to find that she's left for another girl would put a nice spin on a sad situation.

I have no aversion to bisexual girls, in fact I feel that bisexuality is a very attractive quantity to have that common ground - it's always nice to be understood.

[M. Wolfe]

She told me that if she found out her bf was bi she'd dump him immediately. She feels threatened by a guy that seeks other men because its something that she can't give him. As a women she can give a str8 man everything (mentally & physically) that he wants and through time she will learn more & more about him. BUT, with a bi man she does not have a penis therefore she'd be incomplete and he will constantly seek another person to complete him.

I can understand that reasoning. It's why I worry that any future relationship I have, I may feel unfulfilled. But there will be ways around that.

Also I'm for labels, not against them. I think though that the ones that exist are incomplete or outright wrong, so they can be more trouble than they are worth. It's not enough to say "We, the people." because it doesn't tell you anything about the people. Labels are used as a tool to understand and any system of analysis requires them.

[jem_is_bi]

Because they are closeted and stay in the closet, and are full of self loathing and are afraid to come out and be themselves, and whatever other excuses they use to justify staying closeted.

People can blame it on women not accepting bisexual men (this is not true), or society but ultimately it's up to the person and it's their choice to remain closeted and full of self loathing about themselves as a person and their sexuality.

Replies in this thread by closeted men are self evident of this.

Fuck that. I'm out (to family, friends, and at work), and have been since I was a teenager and I'm never going back into the closet.

I am 61 yrs old and still in the closet, I am content with my life. I may have to come out of the closet at some point in the future because family, friends and neighbors will make it impossible to do otherwise. Being out will cause significant problems that I will need to resolve and not gain me anything I do not already have.
However, I am happy being in the closet and I have no desire to tell anyone of my sexual desires or know theirs. But, if I do come out, it will not affect my long-term happiness. While unfortunate events often change the course of life, happiness comes from within. In 60+ years, I have had more than one life altering event.
Further, I never felt any self-loathing. Why should I feel bad about not telling others what I do not want them to know? Is it written in the U.S. Constitution that all men have a right to know my sexual orientation? How about all else about me that I only tell to a select few or no one?
Should I feel self loathing about all I keep exclusive, enigmatic about me? NO! I like it that way.
If you don't believe me, you can fantasize about me living a life filled with unhappiness and self-loathing, but, that is your problem not mine.

[csrakate]

All of this talk accusing others of being closeted with self-loathing is beginning to sound eerily familiar...gee I hope I'm wrong!!!

[ris19]

I'm open about it. if people ask i tell them the truth. but thats just me. plus i live in a small town so everyone here knows eachother and they all know im bi but nothing has changed. we all are still friends

[Lonewolf76]

All of this talk accusing others of being closeted with self-loathing is beginning to sound eerily familiar...gee I hope I'm wrong!!!

Uh Huh! Know EXACTLY what you mean!!!!! LW

[veganbigmac]

Well, to address the original question "Why don't men like to come forward about being bisexual?" There's two big reasons that affected my decision to come out.

1.) Fear. Fear of loss of respect, or off a loss of friends or family. Fear of being cast as a stereotype, ("Oh, no wonder you're into theatre" etc.). Fear of being harassed. All these fears kept me from coming out for awhile. I came out in high school, and all these fears became realities, and it was really shitty and rough for awhile.

2.) Love. Love of the people around you to the point where you don't want to hurt them. Love of you're girlfriend to the point where you're willing to deny an inherent part of yourself to try and make your relationship work.

Those were the two big reasons that kept me from coming out. Once you do come out, it is a great relief, and it usually leads to some great conversations. I love fielding confused questions from straight friends.:bigrin: But coming out is not for everyone, but I know I definitely feel better after coming out.

[totchune]

What does internet safety have to do with queer pride? You might as well ask why I don't post my social securtiy number.


Unless you're talking about professional journalism or something similar, I think that crosses the line from bravery to stupidity.

Hey, there is a difference between a name and a social security number..You might be out in the world, but you are not on the web, and this must have to do with something a lot different than ID theft!...

I write articles for an online paper, other blogs, I am an activist in my community and everyone knows me, I am on the front line of very heated local Native American issues, and my life and my friends' lives have been threatened.
So what? Nothing last forever but mountains, and even they turn into sand...It's not how one dies that matters but how one lives.
I do not believe it is stupid to stand up for what in which you believe...and apparently you do not either regarding being bi...so we can say we agree on standing up, right?
I was merely addressing the more self-righteous among us.

[Long Duck Dong]

I know a few friends that are bisexual and do not come out..... and in their words, * what the fuck am I meant to say.... I am bisexual, I have sexual urges and desires for both genders but i would love to settle into a relationship with one person only *

and the other *... I can do without the issues over my sexuality and other peoples opinions of me .....*

one of my dearest friends is gay.... and he is a total sweetheart... but his parents refused to accept he was gay... and pushed him to marry a female that later accused him of spousal abuse, and manipulated her way into getting his car and house when she divorced him.....

when they finally accepted that he was gay... he was not allowed to mention it or talk about it or have any partners that they knew about...and cos my friend respected his family so much, he respected their wishes
recently his father died from cancer and now my friend ( who is just on 40 ) has been left high and dry...the family he loved and respected, that dictated his life, has fallen apart and now my friend needs the one person that have been there beside him for near 20 years.... that person is me.... and I have accepted my friend for the good and the bad

I see the same thing with a lot of my bisexual friends... they do not wanna get into issues and arguments with the ones they love and they feel that it is better to forego some forms of sex, rather than have years of heart ache and heart break......

personally I am the same.... my mother is vehemently anti gay and blames them for all sex crimes against kids....so should I come out as bisexual to her ??? no... cos it will only fuel a fire and cause a rift even deeper in a life that is only just coming together after many years of diversion

there is no changing my mothers mind... as her christian beliefs are ingrained and firmly held, right or wrong..... so I accept that and love my mother for who and what she is.... and face the fact that saying I am bisexual, would hurt us both...and accomplish nothing

[vittoria]

Being a bisexual man, to me, is a guilty pleasure. Personally I enjoy being alone and intimate with another man but would die if any of my friends or family ever knew that. In our society, at least where I'm from, that type of lifestyle is frowned upon but its perfectly acceptable for two girls to hug and kiss on each other.


Agreed.

[bityme]

Does any one really know why some men dont really come out being bisexual? Even when we all know some men think what it would be like having a cock to suck on or even get fuck by another man. I have found that some strieght men who would love to being with a guy but thinks it wrong.

I'm 61 years old. Had my first bi experience 53 years ago and have been actively participating in bisexual activities for 39 years now. Spent a total of 38 years married to bi women. In all that time, I am still not out to my family, including two grown children, or to the people at my employment. Why? Because it's NONE OF THEIR DAMN BUSINESS! If they ever asked, I'd be honest, but why create controversy when there is no need. Besides they will find out soon enough when they have to manage my estate after I kick the bucket.

[Storm2008]

Hey, there is a difference between a name and a social security number..You might be out in the world, but you are not on the web, and this must have to do with something a lot different than ID theft!...
Of course I'm out on the web, I just don't give out my information willy-nilly.


I write articles for an online paper, other blogs, I am an activist in my community and everyone knows me, I am on the front line of very heated local Native American issues, and my life and my friends' lives have been threatened.
OK, then I agree that you should use your real name for a pro paper, and if I did something similar, I would too.

[Jackal]

Tragically, the group of people that you'd think would most understand bi men and what it's like to be one in a monosexual world, bi women can be just as horrible about male bisexuality as straight people or gay people. I've seen a number of women who are upset because their straight man doesn't want to open their relationship and wants to keep things monogomous. People would say, "if he loved you, he'd let you explore your sexuality" but when asked the same question in reverse, a majority said they wouldn't allow their boyfriend or husband the same sexual freedom they crave.

Of course they gave the same bullshit reasons we've all heard, "Males spread disease", "its gross" (like his sexuality is theirs to like or dislike) and so on. It was really sad. I've never had the pleasure of dating a bi-male before, but every woman I know who has said that she loved it. I wish I knew more bi men; but the reaction from even their bisexual peers isn't always positive so it's just one more reason why people stay quiet. Staying quiet isn't staying in the closet either; closet means denial, quiet means you just don't answer the question. I know that its very different for men and women but I answer the question truthfully in situations where I don't think it'll get me harassed or in trouble. I wear pride jewelry because if you don't know what it means you don't have to but if you do maybe we have something in common.

[Storm2008]

Tragically, the group of people that you'd think would most understand bi men and what it's like to be one in a monosexual world, bi women can be just as horrible about male bisexuality as straight people or gay people. I've seen a number of women who are upset because their straight man doesn't want to open their relationship and wants to keep things monogomous. People would say, "if he loved you, he'd let you explore your sexuality" but when asked the same question in reverse, a majority said they wouldn't allow their boyfriend or husband the same sexual freedom they crave.

Of course they gave the same bullshit reasons we've all heard, "Males spread disease", "its gross" (like his sexuality is theirs to like or dislike) and so on. It was really sad.
That's horrible! Talk about hypocrisy!

[FalconAngel]

Part of the issue is the stygma that straight patriarchal men have put on society. In porn, it is perfectly acceptable for 2 girls to go at it because it is a turn on for guys. But for two guys to do it......well, you get the idea.

Because of that, men are just plain discouraged from showing affection to anyone who is not female.

Some of that is slowly changing, though as more men hug each other as a greeting (at least when they know each other, they do). That trend is growing in a lot of less conservative areas of the country. Eventually, it will break down the conservative walls and we can all just be ourselves without fear of social persecution.

[spawnvampire]

well for the most part it is the shame they would feel to let there family and friends know that they get off sucking another guys cock and or getting up the ass. However there is the religion card as well. For so long we as a people have been told that God hates homosexuality and anything close to it that most people are afraid to come out as gay or bi. believe me if that card was not played as often as it is or has been the bi community would open way up. my inlaws do not know me of my wife are bi because they come from a strictly Catholic community in Maine. :bipride:

[noabody]

I don't think sexuality comes up that much in conversation. Sex comes up a lot, who's getting, giving, horny, etc. I just posted this a few minutes ago but coming out is as much about self-realization as it is a ploy to attract some and push away others.

Honestly, anyone who ever met me never would tell you I'm Bi even though I didn't tell them. I always hit on guys and girls, in jest of course, but I always said something that let on. Closeted bisexuality is more of a game of cat and mouse. I'd do something to give it away and watch for the response. I hang out with people that seem accepting and tell them as needed.

I don't know that it makes having a relationship any easier. Instead of doubling your chances for a date it almost seems like halving. For all the complication involved, I'm realizing that I wouldn't want to be straight or gay for anything. I love being able to have and understand feelings that they never will.

[Jackal]

There are some theories that state that part of why female homosexuality is seen as more acceptable than male is because women are are seen as 'aping' what is 'superior' to them; meaning men. So men who are perceived as imitating women (because liking men somehow makes you female) it is not understood why someone would want to be 'feminine' or 'female'.

[SWCube]

I'm gay, out of the closet, and some of the replies on this thread are rather sad that you feel so isolated and you should stop being cowards and just come out.

Stop living out your lives in fear, just accept who you are, be happy about it, and come out.

You will be surprised at how people will accept you such as your friends, family, and even your boss if you want to be out at work as there are laws that protect Gay/bisexual/lesbian people from being fired from work based on their sexual orientation.

I am from the south and it is not as bad as some people who are also from the south who posted here claim that it is. I have never been beat up, shunned, or gay bashed.

As a gay man who is out to his friends, family, and at work being out did not get me shunned, have people question my masculinity, I did not get rejected by my family, and I did not get fired from work.

To the people who do not want to come out to their kids, parents, or other family members they probably already know or deeply suspect that you are bisexual or not heterosexual.

This is your family we are talking about and do you really want to hide who you are from them? What about your friends? Do you want to be deceitful and lie to them?

Not me I'd rather be honest and have them know me and know who I am.

I'm thrilled that you've had such a positive experience, but while that has been your experience, it does not mean it will be the same for everyone else. My family is extremely religious on one half and very upper society-ish on the other. I have little to no doubt that I would never hear from the few I hear from as it is if I were to tell everyone what my orientation is. Besides that, it's really not their business until it effects them. I wouldn't go up to them and tell them I'm straight, I'm not going to go up to them and tell them I'm bi.

As far as employment, it is true that they can't fire you for sexual orientation. That doesn't stop them from looking for other ways to fire you. My lead that I have at work seems to be slightly homophobic or just uncomfortable around people that aren't hetero. At this point I am getting by on things that I could get written up for, but they let slide because I do well at work. If I give them a reason not to want me there, I'm sure its not too hard to get rid of me.

Personally, I just don't think its fair to go around preaching "everyone should tell everyone else about their orientation because everyone will forgive you and get along swimmingly" when thats clearly not the case. If it was there wouldn't be so many problems with discrimination, unless everyone's just making it up. My :2cents:

[jem_is_bi]

I'm thrilled that you've had such a positive experience, but while that has been your experience, it does not mean it will be the same for everyone else. My family is extremely religious on one half and very upper society-ish on the other. I have little to no doubt that I would never hear from the few I hear from as it is if I were to tell everyone what my orientation is. Besides that, it's really not their business until it effects them. I wouldn't go up to them and tell them I'm straight, I'm not going to go up to them and tell them I'm bi.

As far as employment, it is true that they can't fire you for sexual orientation. That doesn't stop them from looking for other ways to fire you. My lead that I have at work seems to be slightly homophobic or just uncomfortable around people that aren't hetero. At this point I am getting by on things that I could get written up for, but they let slide because I do well at work. If I give them a reason not to want me there, I'm sure its not too hard to get rid of me.

Personally, I just don't think its fair to go around preaching "everyone should tell everyone else about their orientation because everyone will forgive you and get along swimmingly" when thats clearly not the case. If it was there wouldn't be so many problems with discrimination, unless everyone's just making it up. My :2cents:

My partner and I can definitely relate to your opinion of this issue. But, I am not so sure I would have problems at work. Because, I am fortunate that I do not have a "REAL" job. Rather, my job is "Whatever I want to do that I believe is state-of-art science" and I am better at that than most.

[Raindrops+Sunshowers]

I'm still exploring my own bi-ness, plus with most people I interact with, i.e. at a large company during the work day, it's not even relevant, and there's no point to even bring it up.

Yeah I'm avoiding some hassle, and being a bit avoidant or passive I guess, but on the other hand it's the shittiness of society that I was born into, and I have a first priority to protect myself and my loved ones from the violent bigot assholes, or just the jerks who would go out of their way to make my life miserable and/or lose me my livelihood in this shitstorm of an economy which is oh so what I do not need right now.

When I get close enough to someone who has demonstrated they can handle it, it will come out, I'm sure.

Meanwhile, as far as anyone else is concerned, I am an open-minded and trust-worthy <whatever they want to assume I am>.

It's not my job to dispel their illusions or swing wrecking balls through their precious religious fantasies.

All that said, I do highly respect people who come out. And usually the ones I respect the most are matter of fact about it, not hiding it and also not necessarily injecting it into any topic they discuss.

Anyway, yeah, I do long for the day when it's just taken for granted and no one makes a big deal about it.

Meanwhile, I continue to explore...

[buds50]

they dont come forward because its this way, if you saw a couple of boards your not a carpenter,if you were to lay a few bricks your not a bricklayer,but suck one cock??

[bimwmdecatur]

they dont come forward because its this way, if you saw a couple of boards your not a carpenter,if you were to lay a few bricks your not a bricklayer,but suck one cock??

How very true.

[void()]

Simple:

(1) Because a lot of the men are married and looking for that extra thing in their lives and their wives would never understand, and/or
(2) Women tend to avoid bi-men. The lesbians hate men so cross them off immediately. Straight women either can't cope with the thought of going with a guy who will do it with other guys (even mfm) or they have fears of "male STDs, i.e. HIV).

Men will accept bi-men. It takes a special womanto accept them.


Guess my woman, who has been married to me for nine years, is quite special. Last weekend my boyfriend and I had a really intense Saturday night. :) And my wife was in the house, as well.

We're still married. She wants him to make plenty of return visits, or us to visit him. She sees that he and I love one another, respects that and grants me that aspect of myself fully.

Of course that might be the crux with me. I don't just go bed hopping. And I love her equally as I love him. Yes, the sex is great and I love, really really love it, but it is more than sex to life.

My boyfriend/husband treats me with the same respect and love my wife does. Admittedly we haven't engaged in a threesome ... yet. I can hope, but that is up to them as individuals to decide. I'm happy being shared as it is and having the love and understanding from both partners.

Yes, I've a special woman, special man too. :)

[Bi-Zarro]

(2) Women tend to avoid bi-men. The lesbians hate men so cross them off immediately.

Generalize much? One of my best friends is a lesbian. I promise you she doesn't hate me, or men generally. She just isn't interested in fucking us. (Which is fine by me -- I have no physical interest in her, but I value her friendship highly.)

[SWCube]

I let closet cases lead their sad and pathetic lives and I just sit back and watch since it's all going to end in disaster or a trainwreck for them since they live their life as an entire lie and eventually it will come back and bite them in the ass, or explode in their face.

Also it is very easy to tell if a man is closeted or not no matter how much he tries to hide it.

Wow. So much hatred in this forum all the sudden. Has it always been like this?

[TheBeam]

That's interesting. Why do women have an aversion to male bisexuality? Ican't fathom a rational explanation.

I always thought that it may aid the guy to get the girl. Am I dead wrong?

Not at all! Girls hate bi guys? WTF are y'all talking about? I'm seriously confused by this thread. I've gotten nothing but positive reactions from women (and to my surprise, from men as well.)

I came out to as bi-poly to girl at work and she got so excited that she took me out for lunch so we could talk more freely. I told her about the guy I was seeing (a rock star who was so beautiful!!)...and how hot the threesomes with the two people I loved deeply were (sadly, both those relationships are over. :'( )

As far as I can tell, being bi is a big turn-on for women. Or as friends, we can talk about cute guys and stuff...if anything, it's less threatening for them as we have more in common.

Case in point, last weekend I went out with my bf to a bar. As luck would have it, it was a gay event. Cool...let's go in. Well, the place was crawling with young lesbians. There were only about 7 guys in the whole, packed place. Did I feel at all uncomfortable? Nope. Lesbians hating me because I was a guy in at lesbian event? Nope. Just happy, friendly vibes. I even made out with my bf on the dancefloor....and several girls were arroused and there were two butt grabs.

Later on, one girl (who had a fantastic body and wonderful face) approached me -- and guys know how rare it is for girls to be the aggressive one... and we ended up making out. The main reason? Because I also liked guys (and was with a hot guy too.)

But as far as 'coming out' goes...I don't tell everyone I meet nor do I think it's any of their business (my sexuality is mine, so unless you're a potential partner...why make an announcement). If it comes up, I'll say something if it's relevant. But mostly it isn't. But sometimes it seems harder than others... like when I'm asked I am gay...I'll answer, "No" because I'm not. I'm bi. But do I offer that I'm bi? Depends on the situation. But so many don't see 'bi' as a real orientation. Gays are like, "Choose already" and straights think I'm just in the closet and not willing to accept my 'gayness' when really, I'm not willing to accept life without pussy: hairless, of course. ;)


That said, I think there are way more bi people out there than anyone perceives because when I'm in gay circles, everyone assumes I'm gay. When I'm in straight circles, everything thinks I'm straight. So we have a built in, very effective camoflauge that allows us to fit in where ever we are. That said, I do think people should come out...all of us, all at once. Like in an International Coming Out Day.

[Intimate_Light]

I let closet cases lead their sad and pathetic lives and I just sit back and watch since it's all going to end in disaster or a trainwreck for them since they live their life as an entire lie and eventually it will come back and bite them in the ass, or explode in their face.

Also it is very easy to tell if a man is closeted or not no matter how much he tries to hide it.

While I tend to stay away from posts that can be potentially flame-provoking, I have to agree with another member's reaction to this kind of statement: judgmental and hateful.

Everyone has the right to come out or not come out for each life is different, each person's environment and personality is different. Some people feel a deep need to come out, others don't, still others just don't feel safe enough.

It's more "pathetic" to feel to denigrate others for being or acting different than ourselves, IMO--though I can even understand why one would have that kind of tendency. My own life of 50+ years and many challenges have taught me to try to live in line with a favorite Twain quotation:

"Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see."

Basic Golden Rule stuff and it takes a different kind of backbone than the easier route of putting down others. Whatever one's orientation, whatever one's come-out quotient.

In other words, let's lighten up people. After all, enlightenment is simply the willingness to lighten up on ourselves and others :)

[Kuragxo]

I can only speak for myself...

First, the women I've come out to have all been quite cool about my bisexuality. Some are curious about it and some seem a bit turned on.

Secondly... I am reluctant to come out to other men because they seem to think I'm coming on to them whether I am or not.

[ziggybabie]

Simple:
(2) Women tend to avoid bi-men. The lesbians hate men so cross them off immediately. Straight women either can't cope with the thought of going with a guy who will do it with other guys (even mfm) or they have fears of "male STDs, i.e. HIV).

Men will accept bi-men. It takes a special womanto accept them.

I know there are other factors, but I do think pop culture has a bit to do with this. A lot even non-homophobic women, see male homosexuality as making them less 'manly'. Women seek a feeling of security with a male life partner. I think many, male and female alike, buy into the stereotypes. While lesbianism is fetishized in beer commercials and all over, every instance of gay males is the object of a joke or campy stereotype in the straight male dominated media.


Even many trendy 'myspace bisexual' gals (read: fake bisexuals) still judge gay men as less manly, even if it is only subconscious, and they don't admit it, I think. Their opinions were molded by homophobic 'pop culture' somewhat. Which is funny because the same type of males who push that negative hypocritical image of gay men are often sexist as hell towards women, also.

Of course, as I said, I know there are more factors, but I do think it's sad when women subconsciously or consciously buy into propaganda about male homosexuality that comes from straight male dominated media which is pushed by men who are anti-woman chauvinists, also.

If I misword anything, my apologies. I am a bit tired.

[Holmes]

For one when a bi female comes out she is viewed a sexy and hot . Girl on girl love is always portrayed as soft and sensual and looking for something long term in movies and fiction while man on man is describe as rough and hard. Male bi's are veiwed as forever horny and jumping anything with a hole or mouth that is willling. There needs to be a pardigim shift to show male bi's as open and caring as females bi's. Woman can form friendnship with bi's and not feel that their bi female friend wants to jump them. While guys will almost always assume this guy just wants to bed me. My 2 cents

[rebecca_anne89]

I consider bisexual as having ROMANTIC feelings for both sexes

[goldenfinger]

Wrong. Being bisexual means you want to FUCK both sexes! :bigrin:
Well, many will disagree with you, some say it's not whom you sleep with, but whom you love, that makes you gay or bi. Maybe you could provide a link to the person who has the final say on sexuality.

[nyabn_webmaster]

IMHO some of it is because of the massive amounts of rampant biphobia they encounter

we just put up a link (http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7047) about yet ANOTHER article in a recent wave of them in which gay men disrespect bisexual men

and when people try to counter their dis-information with the actual facts they pay no attention and just continue to spread their hysterical nonsense about now all bi men are just closeted gay men who, lie, cheat and break the heart of "honest loving and caring" gay men and/or straight women

[pdrap]

Parta ya ansa rite ther.. substantially its a str8 mans world still.. or so they like 2 think.. lotsa str8 guys get off on lesbian sex an the idea a 3 somes wiv 2 girls.. an society's attitudes follow 'long.. sad but so..:(

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Wow, a sweeping derogatory centralization about St8 men; did u know that you were a bigot?

[SWCube]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Wow, a sweeping derogatory centralization about St8 men; did u know that you were a bigot?

Darkeyes? A bigot? Never. Her statement is very accurate and didn't contain one derogatory or even hateful statement. It is primarily a straight mans world. Here's something to consider. When was the last time you saw a "straight" porn that didn't have a lesbian scene in it? When was the last time you saw two guys even look at each other in a "straight" porn? I suppose when you think about these questions, it kind of comes back to the point of the original thread. Two women in porn is straight, two men in porn is gay. Why don't men like to come forward about being bisexual? Because its not as socially acceptable. Among other reasons ;P

[darkeyes]

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Wow, a sweeping derogatory centralization about St8 men; did u know that you were a bigot?

No hun am not..jus me knos how this crappie world a ours works..an so shud u...

[Lonewolf76]

Darkeyes? A bigot? Never. Her statement is very accurate and didn't contain one derogatory or even hateful statement. It is primarily a straight mans world. Here's something to consider. When was the last time you saw a "straight" porn that didn't have a lesbian scene in it? When was the last time you saw two guys even look at each other in a "straight" porn? I suppose when you think about these questions, it kind of comes back to the point of the original thread. Two women in porn is straight, two men in porn is gay. Why don't men like to come forward about being bisexual? Because its not as socially acceptable. Among other reasons ;P

I strongly agree. Darkeyes can't be labled a bigot for stating the obvious truth. She even said "Sad but true" and that's the bottomline of it. It IS a double standard and always has been. Lesbian sex in the straight male world is a turn on - Man to man action is abhorent. You could do years of analysis as to the "whys" but it doesn't change the fact that it IS. Let's keep the bigot label for people who really deserve it - like the gays who spout hatred because Bisexuals don't exist - THOSE are your bigots! LW

[Raindrops+Sunshowers]

Well, many will disagree with you, some say it's not whom you sleep with, but whom you love, that makes you gay or bi. Maybe you could provide a link to the person who has the final say on sexuality.

That's ridiculous.

How are homosexuality, heterosexuality, and bisexuality not about sexuality?

[goldenfinger]

That's ridiculous.

How are homosexuality, heterosexuality, and bisexuality not about sexuality?
Just like I said, some say it's about whom you love. Maybe we should find yet another label for people who are into same sex only for the sex, and it seems a number of people here are, according to another tread.:eek: It is what it is to you, but not everybody.

[M. Wolfe]

I want romance first and foremost. My attractions toward other boys developed when I fell for one of my friends, so I know that someone can be in it just for the love/romance.

Although it doesn't need be a separate label; we rate ourselves on the Kinsey (or whatever...) for attraction towards the genders but we don't rate ourselves on a scale from 'Physical' to 'Emotional/sensual', but it could help. Some people definitely are after purely physical sex, and others want something else (which may pertain to but not be limited to sex).

[goldenfinger]

Sexual orientation is different from sexual behaviour because it refers to feelings and individuals' views about what they consider themselves to be. Sexual behaviour is simply how people behave in a sexual situation. Individuals may or may not express their sexual orientation in their behaviours.
From:http://www.psychology.org.au/publications/tip_sheets/orientation/
So, peoples sexual behaviour and orientations are different.But some won't accept that. One of those we will never agree about.

[schwaggbrian58]

eh why come out? I may have feelings for both sexes (i'm male), but when I fall, I fall hard and polarize to an orientation. For instance, I fell for my ex girlfriend really hard, and never had homosexual thoughts nearly as much as I did/do when we weren't together. When I fall for guys, I may still have lingering heterosexual thoughts, but the homosexual desires tend to dominate. I don't see any reason to come out because I can simply marry a girl happily. Why start a problem that isn't necessary?

[canisdirus]

Wow, alot of really good comments... I did not expect to get so many people participating or offering advise. I guess this is an issue that we have allfaced in one way or another.
I guess I was frustrated with the unknown of why I was getting the cold shoulder from either a GF or a couple who originally wanted a bi man to getting cold feet.

I suppose it is true we are only happiest when we are honest with ourselves.

[biman45]

I see no gain to comming out just a lot of problems everyone does not need to know about my sexuality just my partners and I will say woman are afraid of a bi male not all are but most

[Kermit Jagger]

What a great thread! It really got me thinking about my bisexual nature.
Rather than generalize, I can only explain why I haven't come forward with my bisexuality to anyone. I am still uncomfortable with my feminine side that wants to be with men. I am slowly learning to accept my feminine side and maybe when I am more accepting I can start talking it about to a few close friends. I'm confident that the people I would tell, most of them women, would be very accepting. I wouldn't be surprised to have at least one tell me, that that he/she already knew. (I'd love to tell my wife, who I love dearly. I won't. She would terminate our relationship the second she found out I had interest in having or had sex with men. )

I am a very private person and who I discuss my bisexuality with is my business. One of the great things about this site is it allows me to be open while remaining anonymous. Right now, I really need this. What others do is up to them.

Love,

Kermit

[M. Wolfe]

I wouldn't be surprised to have at least one tell me, that that he/she already knew.

This happened to me. When I finally told, the same night one of my friends told me that one of my other friends "had me worked out". I followed it up and the guy told me that he had had "a theory'' about the possibility that I was bi for awhile. That alone didn't surprise me too much (being my man-crush, I tended to get a bit amorous around him) the thing that did surprise me was that he explicitly said "bi, not gay" which meant that he's worked out that my responses to girls rung true to him rather than appearing as a cover.

[coldplay2009]

I think alot of the response you have received are all true. I believe your upbringing,family tradition, church beliefs and the pressure of society has alot to do with it. I know for myself, those three are the reason why I haven't come out. Only a select few know about it. That might make me a hypocrite, for now i'm ok with it.

[kenny]

I have found that women LIKE a bi guy. The last two girlfriends I have had said that it turned them on. One of the girls actually arranged a 3-way with herself, me and another guy. She loved it. Just be honest with your desires. Chicks dig it!

[MickeyJohnson]

I would let everyone know if i could be 100% sure that peoples reactions wouldnt be too bad. but we cant be sure.
plus no one would expect it from a person like me. theyd probably make a huge deal of it. and the area I live in isnt exactly the softest neighborhood, so having all my friends find out would be devastating.
straights call us weird, gays call us greedy, and others call us sexy;)