May I ask for some advice here?

[Annalee]

I would appreciate others thoughts about my situation. Please be nice, or at least honest. I am being sincere. I am 42 year old married for 15 years (to a man). I am not going to get into all the details of my life here, but will say that about 17 years ago I had a one night stand with another women. It was just sex and I was really drunk. I think women are sexy but I never felt love toward a women -except in the friendship sort of way. I never could picture myself in a relationship with a woman and just figured my one night stand was experimentation. Well, here I am married to my second husband who I adore and who I consider my best friend. We recently moved to a new town and I met a friend. We have a lot in common. She is also married and has kids. At first it all seemed normal but then I started obsessing about her (not in a stalking sort of way) just like thinking about her all the time. You know, like when you are first in love, and every love song reminds you of them. It came as a big shock to me as I began sorting this out. I realized I was starting to dress better, excercise more, stuff like that -because of her. She makes me feel strong. Instead of acting annoyed when I want to do some DIY project (like my husband does) she says things like "you know you can do this." She is protective and strong in a way that my husband is not. She is nurturing and kind. My husband is not a mean person at all -but he is in his own world and not at all the nurturing type.

I just don't know what to do now. I want to keep her as a friend. I can't imagine not having her as a friend, but I feel kind of guilty about how I feel about her....like if this was a guy I was hanging out with this much my husband would freak. And I don't know how she feels. I don't want to lose the friendship. I can tell she cares about me. I don't want to scare her away but I also have the urge to tell her how I feel. I am really not sure what to do next and was hoping someone here might be able to help. Thank you so much~
Annalee

[Realist]

Annalee,

If your friend is REALLY your friend, you should be able to confide in her your deepest secrets and feelings. Maybe you can take an approach of slowly getting a feeling for her ability to grasp the concept of two ladies loving each other. Start with you discussing something you read about, involving two female lovers, to see how she would react. She may not react the way you'd like, but at least it will give you an idea of how to proceed. In fact, she may react in a negative way, at first, but with gentle persuasion, maybe she will come to see you side of things.

I would hope you can discuss your feelings with your husband, first, though. Once you begin cheating, the lies will snow-ball and you'll be looking over your shoulder at shadows. I know, I've been there. What you're experiencing can be paradise, or it can turn into a hell. For your sake, I hope things turn out as you hope. Love is a wonderful thing, if it's gained and kept the right way. Only you can know what is right for you and I wish you the best of luck. Please keep us informed.

[Herbwoman39]

Realist has a very good point. You say your Hubby is your best friend. You should talk to him first. Let him know how you feel about talking to him about this, whether you're scared, nervous, etc.

I was in pretty similar circumstances when I came out to my husband. I was 37 and we had been married 8 years. He was SO supportive. His first suggestion was that I sort out what exactly I was feeling before I did anything. Once I was sure of my bisexuality, then his big fear was that he would end up like Ross in "Friends". So I spent probably two months reassuring him that I wasn't going anywhere.

The key is communication.

Good luck and keep us updated.

[bityme]

You don't say anything about a sexual attraction, although it would appear that those who responded already have assumed it.

Perhaps what you have found is your very first, true, best friend. Consider the words you use to describe her (protective, strong, nurturing). I didn't read anything about attractive, sexy, desirable.

How about your actions? Are you dressing better, exercising more, and feeling better about yourself because you want to be more attractive to her? Or, is this happening because she is an empowered woman and you are learning from her that you, too, can be empowered?

I don't think there would be any problem is telling her what your meeting her has done for you. After all, she has apparently been a very positive influence for you.

The desire for a physical relationship (which you do not openly express) is a little different. You first have to come to terms with your own feelings. Are you experiencing a physical attraction, do you want her in your bed? Sorry, but I don't read that in you post.

[jamieknyc]

One thing you should realize: a date/lover has the luxury of being able to act supportive and interested because doing DIY projects and little domestic chores is a way to spend time with you, while to the spouse, who is with you full time, it may well be a chore to be taken care of. It is easy for people to seem interested in you and your life when you don't have to deal with them on the level of 'who is going to pick up the clothes from the dry cleaners.'