Etiquette Questionette

[OmegaGray]

Hello forum! I have a query for the experienced folks out there about attraction etiquette. I was in a bookstore today and was talking with one of the clerks about a book ("The Bisexual's Guide to the Universe"--Thanks to thatcher29 for the recommendation ^_^), when I realized I was spending half of my time listening to him and half thinking how cute he was (eep!). I then realized that I haven't really thought about the ethics or etiquette of my attraction to men. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I also don't want to sequester myself to a nunnery (although I think I could pull off the habit:bigrin:). What is appropriate? How do you ask out a guy if you aren't sure of his sexual preference? Help! <3

[fredtyg]

What did he say about the book? Did he sound interested in it, or had he read it himself?

If he seemed interested in the book maybe you could of asked him if he had a break coming up and you'd be interested in buying him lunch, or some such, so the two of you could carry on your discussion longer.

If he doesn't seem at all interested, I'd say move on. If he says something along the line that he'd like to continue the discussion but couldn't leave work right then, I'd say you could feel comfortable that he might be interested in you and you can set it up to maybe see him after work.

There's probably something to be said about where this bookstore is. Is it a place you frequent? In some cases you may want to be more bold and take a more direct approach to asking him out, but not if the bookstore is someplace you go a lot. If he's bothered by you asking him out, it might well make for an awkward situation every time you go in there from then on.

If it's someplace you hardly ever go, nothing to lose I would think.

[xtopherix]

Sociologically, this is one of the most common problems that people of alternative sexualities have to face. Unfortunately, unless you're in a place (like a gay bar) where it would be safe to assume the default orientation of an individual, it's very difficult to bridge that particular social connection. A lot of people, myself included rely on our "gaydar" to compare people to physical and behavioral archetypes that we have experienced to be typical of a homosexual or bisexual individual. I would suggest one of two approaches to this. The first is to be forward with your orientation. Tell him that you find him attractive (or something along those lines). The worst that could happen is that he's the hyper-heterosexual type and is put off by your orientation, at best he'll appreciate the compliment and perhaps express his interest as well. The second and less direct approach would be to "test the waters" for a while. Drop little hints that might lead to a conclusion about your own orientation and then gage his reactions. If it seems that he's responding favorably or isn't completely disgusted by homosexuality, perhaps it's time to step it up a notch.
If that stuff doesn't work, tell us. I'll help you reformulate the battle plan.

[thatcher29]

I'm a pretty shy guy, but in my lifetime I've kicked myself a lot more for not making a move rather than for making an effort to get closer to somebody and getting rejected. As long as it's done in a polite and respectful manner, most people actually seem to enjoy getting hit on. In the OP's case, I think the book that he was discussing with the clerk should have dropped a broad hint about his curiosity and sexual preferences. And bookstores are usually hotbeds of sexual intrigue for all persuasions. But don't sweat--there will be other opportunities.

And as for the book--"Bisexual's Guide to the Universe", it's my current fave. There's not a whole lot of great bisexual books out there but does anybody know about any other good ones?

[OmegaGray]

And as for the book--"Bisexual's Guide to the Universe", it's my current fave. There's not a whole lot of great bisexual books out there but does anybody know about any other good ones?

The only other one I have right now is "Getting Bi" which is a compilation of Bisexual anecdotes from around the world and various resources about bisexuality. It is edited by Robyn Ochs and Sarah E. Rowley, and, although I just got into it, it looks pretty helpful.

[Realist]

I've always been very shy, especially approaching anyone to whom I'm attracted. Honestly, my best relationships with either gender, has basically "fallen out of the sky". The approaches above make a lot more sense.

Hell, I knew one fellow for 6 years, before it finally dawned on me that he was interested in more than being buddies. I was his first male companion; he'd been curious for years, but was even more shy and backward than me! A very pleasurable and rewarding 10 years followed.........but it could have been 16!

[citystyleguy]

...the fact that he was talking at great length regarding the book, that was a great hook! you couldve then asked if he knew of other books (of the same topic, in order to keep the action in the same realm of orignial interest)...., then lead onto... :rolleyes:

there are dozen of scenarios for the above; if you want to attract someone, certain reading marterial left open, or held up as you read, are excellent means of bringing someone's focus on you..., ;)

...i mean there are all types of means of getting someones attention; the most important is GETTING UP THE COURAGE AND DOING IT! :cool:

[12voltman59]

That the clerk had a positive interest in the book seems like a pretty good indication that he has some interest himself in bisexuality--if he were "homo-averse" in any way---I don't think he would have shown such interest in the book.

I know a few years back---just before I became comfortable with exploring my bisexual side---I had gone into a Barnes and Noble store to pick out a new journal.

The one I chose had a picture on the cover taken by Robert Mapplethorpe--not a sexual one--merely of a flower.

The male clerk who waited on me, told me how much he loved Mapplethorpe's work---I told him that I did too since I did find Mapplethorpe's work of male nudes to be "very interesting!"

At the time---I guess I did not catch it---but I am pretty sure now that if a guy really likes Mapplethorpe's body of work----he may not be gay or bi--but he is surely not a homophobe.

I bet that since your cutie clerk liked your book selection and talked favorably about it---it probably does indicate---he could be gay or bi--or at least "bicurious" himself---he is certainly not adverse to the subject.

If I were you--I would find reasons to go back to that store and hope I catch him on duty again.

Good luck!!