[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Over the decades, I've heard so many people express regret; they either regret having these feelings and, sometimes, acting on them and, curiously, expressing regret over not having taken the opportunities they were presented with "long ago" and I'd ask them why they'd feel regret, not to really be all up in their business but so I could understand what regret really was. Does it make sense to regret something that, most of the time, sounded like a good idea at the time... even if that good idea was to not do something? I had a friend who, "all late and wrong" told me that he had always wanted to have sex with me but could never get up the nerve to say anything. And I felt a moment of regret upon hearing this because I thought that, yeah, if he had mentioned it - or if I had picked up on all the hints he gave me that went right over my head - it would have been fun... or maybe it wouldn't have? And that thought alone made that moment of regret just go away because there was no point in feeling it over something that could have happened but didn't... but, yeah, I was kinda pissed with myself over not seeing all the hints he had given me when he pointed them all out. It happens. Like, all the bad experiences I've had - do I regret having experienced them? Yes... and no. For one, you still can't change what has already happened and, for another, if I hadn't had that bad experience, I wouldn't have learned anything and, indeed, every bad experience I've ever had has taught me something valuable so, no regrets. Didn't like experiencing them - who does? - but it taught me that this regret thing is only a problem when you allow it to become one.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I even entertained the question - and one a lot of guys entertain - that if I could go back and do it all over again, would I do it or would I do the same things again. Some of this is about regret and while it can be... fun to think about it, one thing remains true: You can't undo it and it's really an unfair question because usually, when a guy thinks about this, they're not the same person they were at the time the initial event took place and looking at it later will almost always reveal that maybe ya shouldn't have done it or there were some things that could have been done differently and other stuff like that. After talking to my friend about regrets, I became... concerned. Lots of stuff I should have felt "real regret" over... and I didn't. Here I am and as an adult trying to go back in time and switch my very adult mind back to the younger version and now asking that younger version questions it wasn't thinking about... and if that sounds a little crazy, yeah - it is and I realized it. I don't have any regrets about the stuff I learned about sex and when I learned it any more than I have any regrets over who I learned them with. Sure - I'm human so, sure, I can say, "I wish I hadn't done that!" but the sentiment is always followed by, "But I did; it's over and done with and is there a point wishing that you hadn't done something that you did anyway?" Nope. Just like the many times I should have done something and I didn't; did I regret not doing it? I'd have to honestly say yes, I did - but. I didn't and that's that. Can't change it so there's no real point in making myself insane feeling some kind of way about not doing something that I probably should have done and, besides, if I didn't do it, there was probably a very good reason why I didn't. My older sister and I were talking one day and we got to talking about the sex we used to have and I even asked her, "Do you regret any of it?" Of course, she turned right around and asked me, "Do you?" and I said that I didn't regret one moment of it - but I was asking her. She said that she did regret it but not because it was so very evil for us to be having sex but regretted that she liked having sex with me so much but like I did, she said that it didn't change anything - we did it, she loved doing it, end of discussion. And I was okay with her assessment of things... even after we screwed one last time for old time's sake and even then I asked her if she felt any regret about what we'd just done and, to my surprise, she said she did... but her regret was that we had stopped having sex when we did even though we did for a damned good reason. She pointed out that almost exactly one week after we decided to stop, her boyfriend knocked her up - which I knew about that but I could see it from her point of view because chances were good that the day she conceived, shit, I could have been the one screwing her and, fuck, yeah - I probably wouldn't be here today to tell you about this. But this regret thing hung around in my head because I was running into a lot of guys and not a few girls who had lingering regrets over being bisexual and no matter how they wound up being bisexual.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]On my regular blog, I often write about the emotions of bisexuality like what I wrote here about guilt, denial, and self-loathing and today's offering is... regret. Like the other three, regret doesn't feel good and depending on why one is feeling it. Some have reason to regret doing something and some feel regret when they didn't do something when they had the chance to. Some can have great feelings of regret over who they did something with and to the point where it can be crippling since the more serious regrets tend to linger in one's mind and shaking them loose isn't always easy. And some regret getting hooked on sex with men and more so when it's not always that easy to satisfy such a powerful urge so, yeah, some regret that this has landed on them at all. As I say about many things, it's not that one feels regret over something - it's how you deal with it that ultimately matters and a lot of people don't deal with it well, you know, depending on what it is they're regretting. A guy I had met on the old MSN forum and I had opened an offline dialog with each other when we discovered that our beginning as a bisexual were eerily similar including how old we both were. We spent many hours talking to each other, comparing notes and all that when one day, he asked me if I had any regrets about any of it and it made me really stop and think because, until he asked the question, I never gave it any thought... that I was aware of and that's what I told him. He started telling me about all of his regrets and as I listened to them, yeah - were there things about this and even sex that I regretted but, eh, I just really didn't pay any attention to any feelings of regret? He was telling me how much he regretted screwing his brother because it was incest and I dug around inside my head and thought, well, yeah, at first, I was totally against his proposition that I screw him... but did it anyway and, nope, didn't feel bad about it but, of course, was very worried about us getting caught. Then I thought about the time we did get caught - did I regret it? And I realized that while I didn't like having gotten caught, I didn't regret it and probably because from the very first time, I figured that we might get caught and it eventually happened so, nah, not really a regret. He asked me if I regretted being home the day I got introduced to dick and that was a question I had always asked myself but in the form of, "If I hadn't screwed up and gotten grounded, I wouldn't have been at home when I got my first dick experience, right?" Well, yeah, I guess... but it didn't change the fact that I had gotten grounded so I was at home. Did I regret it? Maybe... but it didn't make sense for me to regret it since it had already happened and like so many things in this - anything - once you do it, it cannot ever be undone. You can even tell yourself, "Shit... I wish I hadn't done that..." and that's a form of regret... but you still can't change it.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[QUOTE=OpenBineapple;335800]My first time getting fucked was amazing. There were about 15 people in the room watching us. I was fucking a chick missionary while her husband plunged his thick 8” cock in my ass. Our audience was impressed.[/QUOTE]
[SIZE=3]Don’t get me wrong - many decades later, I still feel the guilt and the self-loathing but I just do not pay any attention to it because I know why I feel it and the reason why no longer makes any sense to me. Because it really doesn’t make any sense to deny what I am or to feel badly about it. I had some... advantages, though. I grew up with this; I was seriously curious as a child and I‘m not bragging or anything when I say that my intelligence was (and still is) quite high, something I know that gave my parents cause for concern. So I’m not really surprised that I figured this out and as early as I did... but that’s me. If I learned nothing else, I learned that it’s not easy to stop the guilt, denial, and self-loathing from showing up and just fucking with you and that it takes a tremendous effort of will to break away from the social conditioning I got - and that everyone gets - that dictates the way I should have sex and even have deeper feeling for beyond friendship. I was fucking my sister one day and feeling really bad about it; she picked up on it and asked me what was wrong and with my dick still buried in her pussy, I’m told her what was bothering me. She said, “I know - I feel that way, too, and we could get in serious trouble but as long as you don’t get me pregnant, well, it ain’t no big deal, is it? I want and need you to fuck me and I know you want to - so what are you worrying about? Now, get back to fucking me so I can cum...” And in that moment any guilt and self-loathing I had been feeling kinda went to a corner and stayed away except to remind me that I was wrong, not only now but any time I had sex in a way I shouldn’t. It still reminds me... and I still ignore it because I know that what it’s telling me is a carefully constructed lie and I’m not buying it and I’m it even gonna rent it. I’m not gonna feel guilty, hate myself, or deny that I feel the way I do just because I was told to feel this way. I’m a rebel of sorts, that guy who thumbs his nose at the rules because some rules are tailor-made to be ignored... like having sex with men. I don’t see the sense in denying that this is how I feel and I don’t see the sense in feeling guilty and hating myself. I can easily lie to other people about it, which is kinda fucked up but to lie to myself? To deny my same sex feelings and hating on myself because I have them? Not gonna happen. I love being bisexual and in every way that means; I love not playing by the rules being a rebel and knowing that while the rules have a real purpose, they’re still bullshit when it comes to sexual pleasure because the truth they don’t want anyone embracing is that you can have sex with anyone, male or female, and provided, of course, that they agree to have sex with you. I am not gonna feel guilty because I love having sex. Not ever gonna deny that I do and, once more, not gonna have any self-loathing knowing that I willingly and eagerly broke the rules. And if any of you are dealing with this - and I’m sure many of you are - ask yourself why and use your intelligence to find out why this shouldn’t be bothering you. That’s what I did; like they say it’s mind over matter and if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. I have had sex with a man and turned around an hour later and have sex with a woman... and I do not feel guilty, ain’t denying anything, and sure as fuck it hating on myself about it. Am I amoral? Yeah, and I don’t deny it but there are some thing I will not do but, um, a whole lot of things I will do because it’s sex and I understand the way sex can be other than the way it’s supposed to be. So ask yourself why you feel the way you do and ask yourself if it really makes any sense - then, if you have the will, stop letting this stop you from accepting that you are, indeed, bisexual - and you’re not by yourself in this.[/SIZE][FONT=verdana][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]And I found out why and it would take me many more years to get to the bottom of it all but what became apparent to me - and please keep in mind that I figured this out before I was 13 - that the reason I’d feel guilt and hate myself was because I was told that I had to feel guilty and hate myself for not only having sex before I was supposed to but because I was having sex with boys, too. Then I learned to ignore the guilt and the self-loathing and even thinking that I shouldn’t be having sex like this since I sure as hell was doing it with boys. Couldn’t deny it, could I, even though something inside of me kept saying that I shouldn’t even want to think about this, let alone do it... and enjoy it. Its wrong and very, very nasty and even nastier when having sex with my brother. I knew it like I knew my own name but it still felt good and even felt right, not necessarily because it was my brother or even my sister or anyone else I was having sex with but because it’s sex... and we’re supposed to have sex... except as a boy, it’s supposed to be only with girls. Bullshit. I saw the truth about having sex and way before anyone else did and upon learning the truth, I was able to set aside the guilt and self-loathing.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I don’t and can’t deny that I did these things and breaking a whole lot of rules to do them and risking severe punishment for it. Sometimes, I’d hate myself when having a good time having sex with my brother or sister because I knew I shouldn’t be but the fact remained that it would happen and everyone had a good time doing it. I’d sometimes find myself feeling very guilty, dirty, and nasty when sucking a boy’s dick or having him on top of me and fucking me until he squirted his sperm in my butt and it would be so strong that I’d often want to throw up and run away from it. Still, I wouldn’t throw up, didn’t run away and, in fact, couldn’t wait to do it again but, yeah, I hated that I liked - and dare I say, loved - having sex with other boys as well as having sex with girls. I didn’t know there was a word for this but what I did know was wasn’t supposed to be having sex yet and, yep, doing it would often not make me feel good before, during, and after the fact. I’d sometimes feel horrible to just think about having sex and wanting to do it with a boy... and it didn’t make any sense to me to feel this way - and I wanted - needed - to find out why. It took decades to find the answer. I asked a lot of questions and questions that often got me into big time trouble and punished for even thinking about such things and, again, told not to do it. Too late - already doing it but I need to know why doing something that feels so good keep trying to make me feel bad about it.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I am a 64 year old bisexual. I’ve been sexually active since I was eight years old and over all of this time, I’ve had sex in ways that would give some people a stroke and with a lot of it, I’ve felt guilt and self-loathing but not so much denial because even to my young mind, it didn’t make sense to deny something I liked doing... even thought I’d been told not to. Why would I feel guilty after having sex with another boy? Because I was made to feel guilty over having broken the rules and rules I was very much aware of. I had asked myself a question: Why does something that’s supposed to be so bad feel so good? The answer? Because it’s supposed to feel good to have sex but only with girls so if you have with with a boy, it’s bad and I should feel bad for even thinking about it. And I would and did feel bad, not just about that but having sex, period and more so when you add in the fact that I was having sex with people I shouldn’t never have sex with, like my brother, my older sister, a lot of cousins and quite a few adults.[/SIZE][/FONT]
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