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Just a little blog looking back at my time at high school and how the "system let us down". The system referring to many systems, not any one system in particular.

I remember a quote from high school, look to your left then to your right, if neither of them are gay, that means it's you. It's supposed to be a joke and an insult all at the same time. That how growing up in NZ was for me in the 80's and 90's, where sexuality could and still is very much today, used as an insult. Faggot, homo, poofter, pillow biter, ass bandit and many others were slung like mud at anyone they took issue with, for whatever reason and unfortunately for some, it made their lives miserable. But why should it? The system said so.

During high school I didn't know any gay or bisexual males. That's not to say there weren't any, I'm sure there were quite a few, hell, I was one of them even if I wouldn't admit it back then, it's just that none that I knew took the risk to expose their sexuality. High school for many contained three types of people, those who bully, those who got bullied and those who managed for some reason to slip between the cracks. I was in the later. I did not bully nor did I get bullied. I knew many who did, and it really ruined their pubescent lives, some still feel the effects today. One of my friends was labelled as gay and he suffered years of bullying until he was old enough to leave school and head out in to the real world. He wasn't gay but it didn't stop them. We had no form of sex education, it wasn't added to the curriculum until after I left but I doubt that would've set any records straight, nor would it have given me the confidence to be who I wanted. If you were curious about the male form, you were gay, simple as that. Black and white, no shades of gray. The system has let us down.

I was curious, I had seen my peers naked in the changing rooms but I saw what they did to those they suspected and it wasn't pretty and any who defended those who were picked on were gay by association. High school was cruel and seeing the news over the past few years, doesn't seem to be much better. For me, it was safer to bury the curiosity putting it down to pubescent hormones running rampant. Things may have been very different had we had the Internet growing up as that curiosity would've been fed and nurtured by pornography but alas, it was still a couple years away. The system has let us down.

When the Internet arrived, I attempted to play it straight, masturbating to women and women only, however the curiosity and allure of the male form would soon see me masturbating to men. Those who are old enough would remember newsgroups, those who don't, think of it as a repository of messages of which some had attachments, such as music, movies and images, in particular, pornography. Downloading the first image off alt.images.sex.gay was nerve racking, but once I saw it, I was hooked. The thread [URL]https://www.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?19192-This-is-SO-hot[/URL]!! bought a lot of this back. It was the start of my love affair with gay porn, in particular, anal that has spanned decades even though I was in denial for much of those years. There was something just so intoxicating watching a cock slide inside a man's ass that I couldn't get enough of until I got caught masturbating to it. I wasn't sure whether my parents saw what I was looking at but if they had, I wished they had said so. Personally I think they did but thought if they said nothing I'd grow out of it or more than likely they simply didn't want to know whether or not they had a gay son. I bet it never occurred to them they had a bisexual one. The system had conditioned them to believe it was something to be ashamed of and that was enforced in my up bringing. I believed it was something to be ashamed of. The system let us down.

My family isn't religious but it's moral, ethics and standards are rooted in religious beliefs. Homosexual acts have been around since the dawn of time however its the church influence over rulers throughout history that saw many make this a crime. A crime that made no sense or reason. Those that were caught were punished severely for something that was innate to them. Making it illegal does not make the desire go away and re-education in many cases would not have worked either. These desires have a habit of resurfacing years later with the potential of destroying families and relationships should they ever become known. Telling me I'll go to hell for something I have little control over when I believe it's a part of my genetic make up is ironic when man is made in God's image, does that mean God could be bisexual? The system has let us down.

Whilst a lot has changed over the years, one thing really hasn't, the stigma associated to being LGBTQ. while many claim to accept the differences in sexuality, I feel in many cases that this is smoke and mirrors. The system has had centuries of conditioning man to believe it's a sin, it cannot and will not be undone in an instance. When sexuality causes conflict, ending friendships, families, relationships and opportunities should it ever become known, the system has let us down. No one should fear being true to themselves but many are, many fear how people will react and see us so to this very day, the system is still letting us down.

If history has taught us one thing, we're doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past so the system for the foreseeable future, will continue to let down those who dare to be different.

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Shit. I wish he hadn't got me thinking about any of this because now I found myself thinking about what I was thinking about during sex but noticing that sometimes, I wasn't thinking about anything... including whatever I was doing.

Crazy shit.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]He asked me the question again and this time, after having the time to review things, I was able to tell him that I was, indeed, thinking about a whole lot of stuff, some specific, some pretty random, from how he was making me feel to what I was going to do once I left him. I was thinking about how "odd" but also how familiar it was to see a guy sucking my dick, thinking about almost everything associated with men and cock sucking; I was thinking about which one of my ladies would be home by the time I got there so I could have sex with them.

I was thinking about dinner, thinking about how glad I was to have left work early so this guy and I could spend some time sucking each other off; I was thinking about the work I'd left undone and that would be waiting for me in the morning and, damn, a whole lot of other things that, prior to being asked this question, I never paid any attention to.

"Yet, with all that stuff going on in your head, don't you find it distracting?" he asked.

"Apparently not," I said. "I mean, it's not like I didn't know that I'm thinking about other things - I'm just not all that aware of exactly what I'm thinking about. Shit, I guess it's like background noise and, shit, I don't know what to say about it. How did you know I was thinking about something other than what we were doing?"

"Because I was thinking like that, too," he said. "It got my attention and I wanted to know what you were thinking about and if you were thinking about anything at all."

"Ha, I guess the automatic response is to say that you're not thinking about anything," I said. "But, yeah, your mind really doesn't shut down when you're having sex, does it? And it's obviously not just thinking about what's going on."[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]A guy was sucking my dick after I'd sucked his and emptied his balls and I'm just lying there enjoying being in the moment, sometimes watching him, sometimes just closing my eyes can focusing on the feelings when he stopped, cleared his throat, and then asked, "What are you thinking about?"

The first response was, "Nothing - is there something wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong... just wondering what you're thinking about," he said as he kept stroking me for a moment before he went back to sucking me.

I didn't think I was thinking about anything but now he's got me thinking about that... and I discovered that there was a lot of shit going on in my head and some of it had nothing to do with what we were doing. Eventually, um, I stopped thinking period when the good feelings intensified and I was an eyeblink away from cumming in his mouth but later, as we sat and talked - and resting up for a second round - I was thinking about what I'd been thinking about and a bit surprised that my mind wasn't blank and/or totally and completely on being sucked.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I had other male friends in the city who liked to do it with boys... and some of them were like "girls," too. Doug was a cock sucking fool and that was pretty much all he liked to do. Aaron didn't suck dick - said it tasted too nasty for him - but I could stick it in his butt as many times as I could and he was happy and the only thing I could do him other than that was to jerk him off.

Greg was kinda like Charlie - he was a sissy and proud of it and he even had the nerve to have more girl-like features despite being a bit chubby. When I'd hang with him, he'd always remind me that he didn't care what I did to him as long as I fucked him. I could suck his dick and if I caught him at the right moment, he'd fuck me... but he'd say that he only did it because he liked me and it made him happier if I was fucking him.

Maybe it was a coincidence but, to me, it seemed like a lot of the white guys I knew were more of the girly type - they always wanted to suck my dick and always wanted my dick in their ass. I didn't know whether it was "just me" or just the way they were in this and, really, I didn't care but it would make me think a lot about it. Most of them didn't have a problem being sucked or fucking me... but they would have rather been the one doing the sucking and getting fucked and the thing that stood out to me was that they were all a lot more "open" to doing it than a lot of the guys where I lived in that when I hung out with them, the first thing they'd say was, "Let's go somewhere so you can do it to me - and I know just the place!"

I lived around some seriously horny boys in my 'hood... and the white guys I knew made my friends look like they weren't even interested in sex at all... and that is really saying something. I'd be on top of one of them (and in some way) and, collectively, they'd say that for them, this was the best part of doing it with other boys. Doing it to them was okay... but as Jeff told me one day, "I like being the girl when I'm doing it with another boy! You ready to do it to me again?"

And what he said stuck with me since it was pretty much the same thing Charlie would often say. Don't get me wrong - I liked being the girl, too... but not even close to how much the guys I mentioned like it. Sometimes, my white friends would fuck me in a hurry so they could shoot, pull out, and lie down so I could do it to them. Jeff told me one day, "I'm not gonna do it to you at all today - I only want you doing it to me!"

Well, okay... but what was going on? Things were starting to change, from boys not wanting to do it anymore to guys who didn't want to stick it in me or let me suck their dick. The fairness, such as I thought it was, was beginning to go away and a lot of the guys I hung around with would rather be the one to suck dick and be fucked.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Charlie was the one "girl" you couldn't give enough dick to and was at his happiness when he had a dick in his ass and one in his mouth at the same time. Carl, Sam, and Jackie were more... one-on-one and sometimes they'd get nervous if it looked like we were lining up to take turns with them; Charlie, by comparison, wow - he'd light up like a Christmas tree to see us standing around, our dicks nice and hard, and impatiently waiting for our turn to do it to him.

"Y'all can't do it to me enough," he said one day when it was just me and him. His family was out for the day and his parents asked my parents if I would "babysit" him even though I was only a year older. I lived on the third floor of the building and Charlie lived on the first floor so my parents had no problem with me keeping an eye on Charlie in his place (and it was a given that my parents would check on us at times) and sometimes I'd act like I didn't want to be bothered... but that was only to drive up the amount of money I was to be paid for watching Charlie.

Because I knew that the moment the coast was clear, we would be doing it... a lot. To me, that was payment enough but I'd been crazy to turn down the money, that and I felt that turning it down might draw some attention I didn't want to have.

"If I could, I'd let everyone do it to me all day, every day," he said as I slid my dick in and out of his butt. I loved doing it to him because it felt just like being in a girl and, at the time, that confused me but, later, I'd realized that Charlie got fucked and more than any of us... and he got fucked by more adults than any of us did, too, and I had suspected - but never really found out (or even asked him) that his father was fucking him as well.

Didn't matter, though. The one thing about us doing it to each other was finding out who else was doing it to us, whether it was just sucking dick or being fucked. Charlie would often tell me about the guys who were fucking him and a lot of them weren't in "our neighborhood" and, a lot of times, he said, he didn't know who they were... and he didn't care, either.

"You're my favorite, though," he said one day after sucking me until I shot. "Come on - get hard again, do it to me, and let's go see where everyone else is!"

I knew it was because he wanted more dick and I believed him when he had said that none of us could do it to him enough to make him happy.

The other three "girls?" Eh, they didn't share Charlie's enthusiasm for dick. Oh, they'd suck and swallow and liked having it stuck in them... but they weren't "fiends" about it, not really girly like Charlie was. Over time, though, Carl, Sam, and Jackie drifted away from the group but Charlie remained.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]It wasn't all that often when our horny group would include all four of the "girls" but when they were all there, sometimes, little arguments would break out over who'd get to do it to one of them. Clearly, we had our favorites in this and with Charlie leading the vote for most of us. Charlie would be like, "I don't care who does it to me - somebody get over here!" while Carl, Sam, and Jackie would often be more... discerning about who among us they wanted to fuck them.

I didn't blame them since I knew that some of the guys, well, they just didn't seem to get the hang of doing it "right" for some reason. Still, those guys could do it to me anyway and, when I'd think about them later in my life, it was probably the beginning of that moment where, sometimes, I'd just kinda laid there and let them do it to me while silently wishing that they'd hurry up and shoot their stuff in me. I mean, it wasn't that bad... it just wasn't that really comfortable things that would make and keep me nice and relaxed and the way a lot of the other guys could make me feel.

I was also learning that it was frustrating to want a guy to fuck you... and he just wasn't going to do it no matter how much you begged and pleaded with them. Sam got mad with me once about that and said, "If you can't ask Belinda to do it to you, then you can't ask me to do it to you, okay? Are we gonna do it or not?"

I guess he told me, huh? I was quickly learning that while us guys liked having sex with each other - and many of us were - in today's terms - versatile, not all of us were. In a way, it defied that sense of fairness we seemed to have; if you sucked my dick, it went without saying that I was gonna suck yours. Likewise, if you fucked me, there was no question or doubt about me fucking you in return. That's just the way it was... but I learned - we all did - that when "the girls" were involved, that fairness was out of the question. Back to Charlie for a moment, if I may?

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[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]There were three other guys who wanted to be the girl but, again and today, I wouldn't say they were gay since they'd fuck a girl easily enough; it was just when they were hanging out with any of us, they only wanted to suck dick and take it in the ass. I don't know why they didn't wanted to be sucked but one of them told me that he didn't like to fuck because it didn't feel right to him... but having one of us on top of him and fucking him was what really worked.

They were just as rough and tumble as the rest of us were (except for Charlie) and if a girl wanted to do it, they were all for it. But when it was just us guys, well, Charlie had some competition, not that they could hold a candle to him; let's say that they weren't as eager as Charlie always was but, yeah, if sex was happening and any of the three of them were around, you could find them on their belly or on their back and with a dick in their butt.

I was hanging out with Sam one day - one of the three other "girls" - and I asked him why he never wanted his dick sucked and why he wouldn't fuck. He just shrugged and said that he just wasn't interested in those parts and that he liked it when we'd shoot in his mouth and his butt better. He made it clear that he wasn't a sissy like Charlie but he just liked being the one to suck dick, swallow sperm, and get fucked.

It was a shame, too, because he had a short but fat dick that I would have loved to suck and feel in my ass.

Carl was another guy like Sam but we all thought he was the way he was because he had five older brothers and he told me one day that they did it to him so much that he never thought about being the one to do it and, I thought - and knowing his brothers - they probably didn't give him a choice in the matter but I also thought that they didn't bully him into it and he did say that whenever one of them wanted to do it, he was very happy to let them do whatever they wanted to do.

Jackie, who was probably a bit more like Charlie, once told me that he was glad he was really a boy because if he was a girl, he would have been "in trouble" (read that as pregnant) a lot of times. I remember laughing at that so hard I fell off the short wall we had been sitting on. Unlike Carl, Jackie had said that he tried doing it but he just didn't like it but he did like having his dick sucked but, sometimes, he just didn't and he wasn't able to explain it.

"Just stick it in me and do it until you shoot," he said as he stepped out of his shorts and underwear. "I like doing it with you because you make it hurt but it feels good when it does." Jackie was one of the few guys who'd only do it in the missionary position and as I fucked him, he had said that he liked doing it this way the best because he could look at whoever was fucking him and liked being able to wrap his arms and legs around the guy.


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