All Blog Entries

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]All grown up now... and I still don't feel that I need - or needed - any other justification for my sexual behavior other than "because I can and I want to" or "It's sex - what justification do you need to have sex?"

I knew, then and now, how forbidden this was/is... and I didn't give a fuck that it was because I learned why it was/is forbidden... and called bullshit on it. I learned what was good and bad about it and the bad part was usually the other guy I'd have sex with and, well, yeah - some guys are just assholes and a sentiment I've heard many a woman utter. I didn't have to have sex like this if I didn't want to and if I didn't want to, I didn't.

But I pretty much always did... because it was sex. Forbidden sex. Nasty sex. Even illegal sex but to that end - and as I learned when I was in the service - it's only illegal if you get caught... and I did get caught once. It was the only time that I didn't get a chance to explain, defend, or even "justify" myself. Even then, when I would later think about how I might have explain, defend, or justify things, I realized that I could have explained it well enough... but justify it? I'd laugh to myself to think that my answer to that would have been, "Because we both wanted to..." and that answer would have resulted in the ass-kicking I didn't get given the nature of the "crime" of not only having sex with another boy but getting caught dick-deep in my own brother's behind.

What other justification was needed other than that's what we both wanted and needed to do... so that's what we did? But here's the "funny" part...[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]He even offered me more money to "fuck" me and I accepted but when I thought back about that moment, shit - I would have let him do it "for free." What was the justification? I really can't say except it sounded like a good idea... and maybe I wasn't even thinking like that... and maybe it was the money? Don't really know... didn't really care. When he wedged the knob of his dick against my butthole, it was weird but it felt good, too - and way better than the many times I'd had a rectal thermometer stuck up my butt (but I'd realize later that it didn't really feel that bad to have my temperature taken that way). He didn't try to put it in me but I felt just a bit of it go in, making it hurt just a little - then he came again and if having his dick in my mouth got me hooked, feeling that warm, sticky stuff between my butt cheeks sealed the deal.

Was there any need to justify it? Again, I never gave it any thought until the day that guy asked the question. Did I need any justification? And what justification did I need beyond the sure fact that I liked it and wanted more of it? Did I like doing it with boys? You bet your ass I did! Sucking their dicks, being fucked by them; tasting their sperm (when they could do that) and feeling it being shot into my butt and that felt even better since my friends could easily get their dicks into me and all the way in. It was good. It was bad. It was nasty.

What other justification was - or is - needed? I reasoned that I didn't need a reason other than if they wanted to do it, I wanted to, too. Any time. Anywhere. Anything. One on one or a bunch of us getting together and doing it to each other like it was illegal... and it was... and I didn't care. It was sex or, really, more sex since I was having just as much fun eating pussy and fucking it and filling it with my cum. The justification? Does "just because" work?[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Sure, I'd have to explain my dual sexuality to others and I got good at explaining it; it didn't matter if they understood it or not so much. Sometimes I'd be told that I had no real or good reason to have sex in this manner and I'd beg to differ because if there was a real and good reason, it's because it could be done and I liked doing it. Maybe not as much as I enjoyed sex with women but I enjoyed it just the same... because sex is supposed to be enjoyed and enjoyable.

Was that justification? Probably and probably not in the sense we tend to think justification should look like. I even thought that I didn't have any... justification in the acceptance sense because I didn't have to make a "life or death" decision or it didn't feel that way to me when I was... indecently proposed. I realized that I could say that I did it for the money but that was, I'd learn, only partially true and that I accepted the proposal because I wanted to but, yeah, the offer of money didn't hurt one bit.

Was that justification? I guess it was but I'd never thought about having to justify my actions in this. Explain it? Yes. Defend it? Absolutely. Justify it? Never. He proposed it, I said yes and I enjoyed it; if sex with a girl was an eye-opening experience, having my dick experience was even more so. Was I afraid? I don't believe I was or if I was, I didn't notice it or pay any attention to it. Took me a few years to get my head around it and I saw that I had two things on my mind first and foremost: The money in my pants pocket... and that "big" hard ding-dong that was being guided into my mouth.

I was hooked the instant it slipped between my lips. The taste. The feel. The kinda sweet/musky scent wafting from his crotch. And when he came and I swallowed out of self-defense - it was that or wind up choking on it - if I wasn't hooked before, that sealed the deal. It was good and in every way I understood the word to mean.

I'd later learn that the only thing better was licking and sucking a girl's pussy.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]A guy had confessed his interest in men to me and, um, he allowed me to introduce him to the world of male cock sucking. His introduction took a while to complete with the both of us left sweaty, drained, and quite satisfied; he had expressed both his delight and surprise over getting blown by a guy could be so good and that sucking cock - and swallowing sperm - could be so heady and intense.

At this point and in the many times I've given a guy this introduction, I expect questions and he didn't disappoint me... but he did surprise me by asking, "How do you justify doing this?"

The question took me by surprise; I've been asked why I have sex with men but I'd never had anyone ask me this particular question and I had to really think of an answer to it and starting with asking myself how I justified it... and discovered that it was quite possible that I never really had to do that.

From my first experience, I just accepted that this was some good and exciting sex to be having and if there was a justification, it was simply that it was good even though I'd been told that it was very, very bad. I told the guy, after some long minutes of thought, "I guess I just told myself that it was really okay; I never really thought about having to justify things with myself."

Going forward, it made me think about justification and I learned that humans have an ability to justify anything that they might do - there's always a reason to do something and that reason somehow makes it okay to do it even when, in this case, you know good and damned well that you have no business having sex with other guys and enjoying it and more so when I knew that I could get into a world of trouble for it.

What was my reason? It happened... and I loved it. That's it. What I had to figure out was why I loved it so much and it took me a whole lot of years to figure that out: I loved it because it was sex. Not the kind of feelings to, say, see a girl and feeling some kind of way about her. I had lot of friends who were guys and in all manner of shapes, sizes, colors, etc., and we were cool or we weren't that cool but I realized that I wasn't [I]that[/I] interested in guys until/unless they expressed an interest in having sex.

They'd have my attention at that point.[/SIZE][/FONT]

Why are so many men finding their bisexual voice during their midlife? Is it a midlife crisis, the resurfacing of repressed thoughts and desires or a combination of factors?

I can only speak for myself but for me it was a combination of factors and I suspect for many it was or is the same. I can tell you one thing for sure, it's not a midlife crisis. That couldn't be further from the truth as that implies the bisexual voice wasn't there before. It was, it was just under a gag order to keep quiet.

Growing up, society expects us to conform to a heterosexual stereotype to fit in, to avoid ostracizing and the associated stigma that comes with being different so when most of us hit puberty we act as society expects to avoid any unpleasantry. I did, however some refuse and forge their own paths while the rest of us carry on as if everything is right as rain through our twenties and thirties.

For most, that seems fine but for some it makes them anti the very thing they are and they seem to think being anti-gay/bisexual makes them straight in the eyes of society and their lord and saviour. LOL. I had friends growing up who were vehemently opposed to gay/bisexual people only to find out years later after we lost contact that they were indeed gay and they had came out in in their late thirties or early forties. I was never anti-gay/bisexual, perhaps subconsciously I knew I was but was too afraid at the time.

My sexuality however was like a smoldering fire. The more I repressed and denied it, the more it smoldered, becoming hotter and hotter so it was always going to be a matter of time before the fire took hold and once it did, it couldn't be extinguished. Masturbation kept it in check through my teens, twenties and thirties but it was never going to be enough regardless of how much I masturbated, which was a lot. This still rings true today, it's only going to last so long before the next phase starts, physical experimentation.

This points to the fact I knew in my teens. I believe most people who discover their sexuality later in life may have known from a young age too. Controversial comment? Yes, but I do struggle to see how one day someone wakes up and suddenly decides to bisexual, the tendency or curiosity surely must have been there prior. It was for me however I made that choice like so many did before me and chose not to be bisexual. Of course this is silly, I was still bisexual so the choice I was actually making was to hide it and by all accounts I was very good at hiding it or at least scooting under the radar. Some have jokingly questioned my sexuality in the past and I always said "straight as an arrow" when in fact I knew it was "straight as an arrow that can shoot around corners". I think in one case they were testing the waters. It is something I have lived to regret. I didn't choose to be sexually attracted to men, but I did choose to lie to myself and that has caused many years of guilt. Hiding/lying about your sexuality to society has become the norm, most of us feel we have too, but you should never lie to yourself, you can't, you know the answer.

Like so many on the forums, it just so happened that I was in my forties, aka, mid life when I accepted I was bisexual but the few years prior to accepting I was already exploring my sexuality through masturbation but I rationalised that it was out of boredom in my normal masturbation routine rather acknowledge a life long pattern/desire for cock. I started to explore my backdoor with toys, read about sexuality, shave my pubic region and resumed my love affair with gay porn. I also did every sexuality test I could find. The more honest I was, the hornier and harder I got. Truth will set you free or so the saying goes, however for me this lead to some of the biggest and most pleasurable orgasms in my life. My ejaculatory load is considerably more now than when I was a teenager. "Young dumb and full of cum" was a saying I heard a lot when growing up. I'm now middle aged but still full of cum, just not as dumb though the jury still out on the last one.

Initially the guilt was very strong but it felt so good and the moment I got horny nothing could stop me from lubing up my cock-shaped toy, lifting my legs and sliding my it deep inside my ass whilst watching some gay porn. Resistance was indeed futile. I'd edge for hours all the time with it buried deep inside me. Have you ever tried to urinate with an erection and a toy in your ass?

I never married, which I don't regret, so it wasn't out of a sexless marriage that made me come to my senses. For me I think it was the smoldering fire started to burn from the years or repression, denial and guilt. It just took 20 years to get to that stage where it caught fire. I enjoyed it too much and couldn't see a life without appreciating cock. I'm older and wiser and realised being bisexual is not the end of the world, but it might have been for a 20 something version of me, who lacked the reasoning, logic and just wanted to be normal.

Normal is such a subjective thing. In our formative years, normal is what everyone else says and does, in our later years, normal is what we say and do. Normal for me is liking men and women, it has been all my life. Being bisexual is normal and the best thing that has happened to me. I could of been born straight, but I was lucky. There comes a point in life where you just say enough and for many men, it seems to be in our forties. We've already lived a lie for 20 odd years, possibly half our life, done what others have expected from us and decide it's finally time we do something for ourselves and accept our sexuality.

For those who accepted their sexuality mid life, what made you accept it?

My wife has always known I am a freak when it comes to sex, she knows that I love our 3somes with my buddy but things take a different turn when he and I are alone. Although I love to feel his massive cock fucking my man pussy I can’t get enough of his cock fucking my throat. This past weekend we traveled up north to my cabin to do some fishing and some man time, and after our arrival we settled in for a drink and some teasing. I went down to the dock to check the boat out and wearing nothing but a pair of shorts he walked up and said are we good to go? Yep she is ready and he smiled and said so are you ready? I turned around to find him standing there with a hardon as he grabbed my head and guided my head to his cock, there’s something about a sweaty musty cock that gets me all turned on. I must admit I love sucking his dick but in the middle of nowhere we are a bit more open. Even though we are lake side with others on the lake I slipped my shorts down and was stroking my cock when he uttered the words I am going to fuck you right here! He grabbed me spit on his cock and forced it in as deep as he could go. I am not sure if anyone saw us but right there on the dock bent over the fish table he pounded me hard and spilled his heavy load deep. Finishing up he pulled out walked up to the cabin as I rested a minute and with his cum leaking from my ass walked up to find him in the shower. He called out to me saying come on in and clean up, I slipped off my shorts and walked in the shower where he was washing his cock and it was getting hard again, he smiled and said how about round 2, this time his cock slid in nice and easy and as the water flowed over us he rode me like a whore and a couple times pulled out rinsed his dick and throat fucked me until he blew another load down my throat.

All weekend end we were either fishing or fucking and I came to realize I am addicted to sex, waking up in the morning to his cock in my face wanting to slide it between my lips, let me admit that by the time we left my ass is sore and my mouth is sore. Awesome weekend. 😄

When I finally uttered the words, "I am bisexual" it was a massive weight off my shoulders but little did I realise that it was only the beginning of a long journey, a journey I now realise I was always needed to take. Most bisexual people believe that sexuality is fluid, I sure do, but ask most straight people and we'd have to be joking, right? The homosexual community may somewhat subscribe to the notion that sexuality is fluid but it doesn't stop us being berated from both sides.

My obsession with cock may have started out as a curiosity or at least that is what I told myself, but I believe it was driven fundamentally by a genetic component to my makeup. I believe I was born to like it and from the moment my hormones started to patrol my body I was destined to head down this path whilst the majority of the people I know would head down another, or so I thought.

I now define myself as a bisexual gay man but it wasn't always this way. When I first accepted I was bisexual, I started out as a Kinsey one. I rationalised this as liking men but women far more. I could live with this, even though I was clearly lying to myself. I know that now but I also knew it then too. Admitting I liked men was massive but I wasn't ready to admit just how much. I had always rationalised the Kinsey scale as follows, 1-2, heterosexual who likes the same sex, 3, equal and 4-5 homosexual who likes the opposite sex so initially I saw myself as a predominantly heterosexual man who sometimes liked men.

It wasn't long before I changed it to a two and after few months it became a three. For me, each change required an adjustment period where I was adjusting to being a little more homosexual than I had previously cared to admit. It would stay at three for a year as it meant I liked men and women equally and therefore equally homosexual and heterosexual. It wasn't long before I realised that deep down I knew Kinsey three was a copout but a change to a four meant I would no longer be sitting on the fence. I would've gone from being on one side, to the middle and finally to the other side. I would be more homosexual, I would be predominantly gay, aka, a gay man who likes women. Yes, it's still bisexual and if I was to tell anyone, I simply would say bisexual, but this was all about my internal rationalisation. I had to rationalise it so I could accept it. Some may say that's a tad messed up, but living most of my life in denial meant I had internal walls that required to be broken down before I could accept I was more homosexual.

In June 2019 I made that change. It took me 25 years to admit that my homosexual side was stronger. I did feel different. Heterosexual felt like a lie, this didn't. It felt natural. Gay porn had always been more arousing to me, it wasn't a phase nor was it just out of curiosity. It was sexual and would make me hard at just the thought. I would stay a Kinsey four for 11 months until I changed it to a five last month. With the lockdown in full swing, my homosexual side ran a little rampant, especially with masturbation month. I'm pretty sure it won't get any higher but when we come out of lockdown, there's a possibility it could return to a four. Will it ever be less than a four? Will I go back to equal or jump the fence again? I don't think so, I find men more arousing, I always have, but as sexuality is fluid you never say never.

One final note. There have been posts/polls on the forum where some have indicated as they age they feel more homosexual, myself included. Is this fluidity at play or just the truth coming to the surface over time? For me, I think it may be both.

Just a little blog looking back at my time at high school and how the "system let us down". The system referring to many systems, not any one system in particular.

I remember a quote from high school, look to your left then to your right, if neither of them are gay, that means it's you. It's supposed to be a joke and an insult all at the same time. That how growing up in NZ was for me in the 80's and 90's, where sexuality could and still is very much today, used as an insult. Faggot, homo, poofter, pillow biter, ass bandit and many others were slung like mud at anyone they took issue with, for whatever reason and unfortunately for some, it made their lives miserable. But why should it? The system said so.

During high school I didn't know any gay or bisexual males. That's not to say there weren't any, I'm sure there were quite a few, hell, I was one of them even if I wouldn't admit it back then, it's just that none that I knew took the risk to expose their sexuality. High school for many contained three types of people, those who bully, those who got bullied and those who managed for some reason to slip between the cracks. I was in the later. I did not bully nor did I get bullied. I knew many who did, and it really ruined their pubescent lives, some still feel the effects today. One of my friends was labelled as gay and he suffered years of bullying until he was old enough to leave school and head out in to the real world. He wasn't gay but it didn't stop them. We had no form of sex education, it wasn't added to the curriculum until after I left but I doubt that would've set any records straight, nor would it have given me the confidence to be who I wanted. If you were curious about the male form, you were gay, simple as that. Black and white, no shades of gray. The system has let us down.

I was curious, I had seen my peers naked in the changing rooms but I saw what they did to those they suspected and it wasn't pretty and any who defended those who were picked on were gay by association. High school was cruel and seeing the news over the past few years, doesn't seem to be much better. For me, it was safer to bury the curiosity putting it down to pubescent hormones running rampant. Things may have been very different had we had the Internet growing up as that curiosity would've been fed and nurtured by pornography but alas, it was still a couple years away. The system has let us down.

When the Internet arrived, I attempted to play it straight, masturbating to women and women only, however the curiosity and allure of the male form would soon see me masturbating to men. Those who are old enough would remember newsgroups, those who don't, think of it as a repository of messages of which some had attachments, such as music, movies and images, in particular, pornography. Downloading the first image off alt.images.sex.gay was nerve racking, but once I saw it, I was hooked. The thread [URL]https://www.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?19192-This-is-SO-hot[/URL]!! bought a lot of this back. It was the start of my love affair with gay porn, in particular, anal that has spanned decades even though I was in denial for much of those years. There was something just so intoxicating watching a cock slide inside a man's ass that I couldn't get enough of until I got caught masturbating to it. I wasn't sure whether my parents saw what I was looking at but if they had, I wished they had said so. Personally I think they did but thought if they said nothing I'd grow out of it or more than likely they simply didn't want to know whether or not they had a gay son. I bet it never occurred to them they had a bisexual one. The system had conditioned them to believe it was something to be ashamed of and that was enforced in my up bringing. I believed it was something to be ashamed of. The system let us down.

My family isn't religious but it's moral, ethics and standards are rooted in religious beliefs. Homosexual acts have been around since the dawn of time however its the church influence over rulers throughout history that saw many make this a crime. A crime that made no sense or reason. Those that were caught were punished severely for something that was innate to them. Making it illegal does not make the desire go away and re-education in many cases would not have worked either. These desires have a habit of resurfacing years later with the potential of destroying families and relationships should they ever become known. Telling me I'll go to hell for something I have little control over when I believe it's a part of my genetic make up is ironic when man is made in God's image, does that mean God could be bisexual? The system has let us down.

Whilst a lot has changed over the years, one thing really hasn't, the stigma associated to being LGBTQ. while many claim to accept the differences in sexuality, I feel in many cases that this is smoke and mirrors. The system has had centuries of conditioning man to believe it's a sin, it cannot and will not be undone in an instance. When sexuality causes conflict, ending friendships, families, relationships and opportunities should it ever become known, the system has let us down. No one should fear being true to themselves but many are, many fear how people will react and see us so to this very day, the system is still letting us down.

If history has taught us one thing, we're doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past so the system for the foreseeable future, will continue to let down those who dare to be different.