[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]You might guess that having to live up to this "reputation" was a pain in the ass and how frustrating it often was to hear a girl say, "You're pretty good... but I thought you'd be bigger..." or to just sit and have my jaw dropping to hear how excited a white person was to have sex with a black person... or having to listen to those who said they'd rather eat shit and die before they have sex with a nigger because it was true we were all animals when it came to sex. I even got to the point where I'd tell those who had "jungle fever" (as it became to be known and thanks to the movie by the same name) that, um, you know, I've had a lot of sex with black people and I don't know what the hype is all about... and they'd look at me like I'd grown a third eye or something. I was learning that there was a fascination that went back to the slave days and going forward, interracial tensions were at an all-time high but while it served to keep a wall between blacks and whites interacting at a more personal level, yeah - a lot of people were just attracted to the forbidden fruit and ignored the sentiment that everyone should stay with their own kind. While in Air Force basic training, one of the white guys walked up to me in the shower, looked at my dick and said, "I'm not impressed." Took me a second to understand what he was talking about and I just shrugged and said, "Good - glad to hear it." You tend to get a bit self-conscious being around 45 other white guys who just stared at you whenever you were naked - and even if you weren't... and you knew why they were staring. But it gets better.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[SIZE=3][FONT=verdana]In the high school days, jeez, being in the shower/locker room after gym class was just plain funny - at first - to see the white guys checking out naked black guys and mentally comparing cock sizes. I mean, I was checking out the guys, too, and everyone present was proof that cocks come in all shapes and sizes and I had to endure being ragged about my dick and guys telling me that my dick was so big and fat it was double-jointed.[/FONT] [FONT=verdana]But the white kids would either sneak a peek or just outright stare at me and the other black guys. One day, I asked a guy who I not only caught peeking at my junk but admitted he was fascinated by black dicks why he was fascinated and he said that he heard that we all had huge dicks, didn't eat pussy, were all homophobic, were super fantastic lovers, etc. - and I laughed so hard I almost pissed myself. I was starting to understand why a lot of the white girls I wanted to fuck was turning me down; they'd heard some "horror stories" about our "horse dicks" and how we'd use them to rip their pussies apart and that we were animals when having sex - oh, you may or may not believe the shit I heard and shit that, by the time I finished high school, was only partially true and just like a lot of stereotypes tend to be. I'd have sex with a white guy or gal and they'd either be over the hill about the size of my dick... or not all that impressed and, sometimes, disappointed that I really didn't have a dick that hung down to my ankles. Still, a lot of whites were just hyped to have sex with a black guy; girls would be shocked to have it proven that I ate pussy and guys were surprised that I wasn't homophobic... and I'd find it odd that white guys who had a bigger dick than I did were still pretty hyped about the size of my dick, such as it was.[/FONT][/SIZE]
[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I remember the day when one of my white male friends asked me, "Is it true that all black guys have big cocks?" The question surprised me so much that a lot of the RC Cola I had started drinking went flying through the air and out of my nose. After I got myself situated I said, "Not all black guys have big dicks." and, of course, I knew that given how many black dicks I'd already seen and had. Next question: "If I show you mine, will you show me yours?" Well, sure (wink, wink) and after making sure the coast was clear, we both pulled down our pants and underwear and eyeballed each other's dick and, um, okay - mine was bigger than his but while I didn't think much about that, he was totally fascinated and wanted to touch it and, well, um, you can probably guess how things went after that. I didn't think much of it but by the time I got into high school, I found a lot of my white friends asking me (1) was it true we all had big dicks and (2) was it true that none of us ate pussy. It was funny at first (and got me laid a lot in high school) but then it got to be... annoying and every time someone asked me if it was true, I'd just shrug, roll my eyes, anything other get into a conversation about something that I knew wasn't true and, frankly, I was kinda tired of talking about. I'd listen to whites I knew and, sometimes, overhear those I didn't know, go on and on about black guys having big dicks and I couldn't understand why they seemed to be so... fixated on this. Now, some whites called bullshit on the myth; they either knew for a fact it wasn't true or they just dismissed it out of hand. It would be unfair of me to say that everyone who asked believed it to be true... but I wanted to know why they wanted to know - I mean, seriously: What's the big deal about?[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]In truth, I despise the dark and "bad" moments I've experienced and those I've made someone experience. I hate knowing that when a guy is fucking my mouth or my ass, yeah, I'm his bitch, a whore, mostly a means to an end because his lust doesn't care if he likes me or not... and I hate knowing that I can be the same way and even worse when my lust is in control of things. But they are what they are. The bad moments have to happen even though we all do our best to avoid them, to not be some guy's whore of a bitch, his cum dump, a slave to his passion and sometimes having our passions and desires ignored... and we get to understand that the nice guy with his clothes on can be a very different animal when he's naked and his cock is hard... and just like we can be. I understand why some women who "regret" their decision to be fucked will just lie there and be fucked. I understand how being made to orgasm can not feel good and because of the way - and even the person - is making you cum. I understand why many women do not enjoy sucking cock, not because a dick is that hard of a thing to suck... but the guy attached to it is a very different matter. I hate hearing him say, "Yeah, suck that dick, bitch...;" it makes me see red and I want to maim and kill... and I'm sucking his dick and wanting him to cum in my mouth because I'm the whorish bitch he says I am and I know that when he cums and I consume his sperm, I will do it again; I will be that cock sucking whore of a bitch because I like being the girl, being the bitch and, yeah, being bred, inseminated, filled with his sperm. I hate the way it makes me feel... and I love the way it makes me feel. I've been ridden hard and put away wet more times than I care to think about and I've hated every moment of being subjected to his lust... and have hated to know that I will do it again... because I love doing it and I need to do it. I need to suck his cock, to release his lusty beast, to entice him to feed me his sperm; sometimes, I need him to fuck me, to take away my manliness and make me feel his cock expand just before he pumps hot sperm into my very sore rectum. I hate knowing what he's doing and why he's doing it... because it's the same reasons why, when he withdraws from me and leaving me feel empty, I'm going to mount him and do the same thing to him except, if he made me angry while he used me, I'm going to take it out on his asshole whether he likes it or not. I hate the darkness. I hate the moments when I've felt helpless, not in control of myself or him, to feel the power of his lust, to have it in my mind that having sex with him wasn't the smartest decision I've made and I've vowed many, many times not to do this again. And I do. I always do. I revel in the helplessness, wither under the power of his lust as he fucks his cock into my mouth, his cock swells as he falls into the abyss and his sperm is flowing. My own lust is screaming in delight when my cock is in his mouth and preparing to make him feel very bitchy as my sperm flows into his mouth. Maybe he's hating the darkness of the moment just as much as he loves it. He could resist just as easily as I could; maybe, as I fuck into his mouth, he's thinking the same thing I am, that this was a very bad decision and now there's no other choice but to go with it even though a mere word could stop it from continuing. I want to say it; I want to say, stop, get away from me, get out of me, I hate what you're doing and the way you're making me feel and, I so very much regret wanting to do this with you. And I don't. But I have said it, have made him stop and, yes, sometimes, I've physically gotten him away from me and in painful ways when necessary... because I hate the dark moments, those "what the fuck did I get myself into" moments. Those moments that I know I will experience again and again... because I want to experience them while not wanting to. Do you understand it? Have you had a dick in your mouth or in your ass and you've hated every goddamned moment of it? Feel like it's the biggest fucking mistake you've ever made? Walked away feeling soiled, dirty in ways no amount of soap and water can ever wash away, and feeling used, just a piece of ass, only a means to a spermy end? Maybe feeling disrespected, uncared for, and unappreciated? Do you ever hate doing what you love to do? I do. Been there, done it, hated it like nothing I've ever hated before in my life, being used and abused all because the other guy needs to use and abuse you so he can inseminate you like the bitch you are... and knowing that when the roles are reversed, you're making a very manly man your bitch and pumping your sperm into him. These are the things we don't talk about. We always talk about how good it was or how it didn't meet our expectations... but we don't talk about how it really makes us feel other than good, do we?[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Some guys love being the sexual aggressor, to be the dominant one and making the other guy submit... even if he's not the submissive type of guy. I've had many dark moments, moments that made me question myself about being bisexual. Women are pains in the ass to deal with and especially sexually... and men can literally be a pain in the ass. It took a lot to not let the dark moments put and keep me down, to question my worth and value as a man and a person when a guy is spreading my ass cheeks apart and his cock is spreading my asshole wide so he can fuck me until he cums inside me and just like he would if I were really female and being subjected to his lust. I've caught myself going to the dark side, relishing the other guy's discomfort as he suck my cock and I get to the moment where fucking into his mouth just happens... because it's supposed to... and I want to cum in his mouth and even more so when he'd prefer I not cum in his mouth. If - or really when - I cum in his mouth, oh, is he gonna be some kind of pissed off and I don't care... and I know I should care... but sometimes I don't and if he wants to fight, okay - we can do that and the darkness says the fight will be with brutal intent and someone's going to get very seriously injured... and it ain't gonna be me. I feel the darkness when I mount a guy, knowing what he's feeling as I push my dick into his ass and in whatever way the dark power of lust says I should; the darkness loves watching it go into that forbidden place, stretching it open, making it hurt in good and bad ways and I just want to fuck him like I would a woman, to make him my bitch of the moment, to dominate him and make him aware that in a moment, I'm going to seed him like I want him to have my babies. And I know - because I've been where is he - that he both loves it... and hates the fuck out of it.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]And knowing, as I feel his sperm starting to leak out of my gaped-open hole, that one day, I'm going to run into another guy like this, someone who is going to make me second-guess myself over why I thought it was a great idea to have sex with him. Have you ever been fucked and found yourself not wanting to be there... and knowing that you wanted to? Do you know what it's like to be called a bitch, something that, normally, you'd kick someone's ass for but now, with his dick reaming your butt out, you're really being a bitch... his bitch and one he can do anything he wants to... but knowing you have the ability to stop him, to do serious harm and damage to him... and you just lie there and let him slake his lust at your expense? Some guys actually like being in these dark moments - but I'm not one of them... but experiencing them never stopped me from being with another guy and knowing, in some encounters, I'm going to be the one making him wish, hope, and pray that I hurry up and cum so he can no longer be subjected to the power of my lust. Do you know what it feels like to have another man at your mercy? To grab his head and hold it in place as you fuck his mouth like you would a woman's pussy? To see him struggling to keep up, trying to breathe, wanting to get away but not so much? What it's like to manhandle him into whatever position you want and then drive your cock into him and in a way that's guaranteed to let him know the pain and discomfort in having a hard dick bucking traffic? To hear him moan, try to resist, and hearing him urging you to fuck him... and the decent kind of guy you are is letting your lust take you to the dark side and gleefully driving your cock into his once-tight asshole until you cum... then that moment of clarity arrives and you see and feel the results of the darkness your lust is capable of. And he just might be thinking that this wasn't really a good idea.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[SIZE=3][FONT=verdana]All those times when I felt like a victim or that deer in the headlights or even that one time I was careless, inattentive, and just plain stupid and wound up being drugged and raped... and the deeper, more personal realization - and, perhaps, humiliation - knowing that even though that asshole took me without my consent, damn, he did suck and fuck me well. You probably can't imagine what it's like to be drugged and kinda disconnected from yourself... while some guy is alternating between sucking the cum out of you and filling your mouth and ass with cum... and you can't do a damned thing about it because not only are you drugged, but you're tied up as well. The shame of it. The humiliation. The helplessness. Watching him straddle me and sit down on my cock and ride it until I came inside him and knowing that I hated every moment of my captivity and imprisonment... while enjoying every damned bit of it. Feeling the rage, the hatred, the urge and need to get free and, yes, the urge to kill while understanding that I wouldn't have been in this situation if I hadn't been so stupid and unaware. And then understanding that he was just being who and what he was and, in a very weird way, it wasn't his fault - it was mine and, yeah, I really did try to kill him when I got free and whatever drugs he gave me wore off. Being in that moment where you realize that the "nice guy" you wanted to have sex with turned into a "monster" once the clothes came off and then experiencing the very sickening - but delightful - feeling of being treated like a girl, being made to suck his dick then manhandled into position and feeling his cock ramming into my ass and without any consideration of how such a forceful entrance is making me feel. And knowing that even once he's done using me, I'm not going to get a chance to use him in the same way. The shame of being his bitch, the physical pain of being roughly fucked, the humiliation of knowing I'm just another piece of ass for him as he unloads his seed into and hearing him talking about how good my pussy is.[/FONT][/SIZE]
[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Being the object of a man's lust wasn't always a good thing to experience. While sucking cock and/or being fucked can usually be placed in a glamorous kind of light, eh, sometimes, there is no light - there is only the darkness, the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness being on the receiving end of a man's lust and knowing, in no uncertain terms, that all you are to them is a means to an end. I got to understand why women are the way they are about sex, why they have this overwhelming need to protect themselves against us - men. I can't count the many times I've been on my back or on my stomach, feeling a hard cock in my ass and its owner savagely pounding me, jarring my body so hard I wanted to throw up as well as being "at his mercy" and fervently wishing that he'd hurry up and cum so he could get out of me... and I could escape albeit not unscathed. I'd learn the hard way that what sounded like a good idea at the time could be anything but a good idea. I can't count the many times I've had a hard cock rammed into my mouth and throat and to the point where I wanted to barf, couldn't really catch my breath the way I needed to, and my mouth and throat would be raw and sore... and the worst of it all was hearing the guy fucking my mouth saying, "Yeah, bitch... suck this good dick..." or other such sentiments that would anger me and, again, have me wishing that he'd hurry up and cum so I can punch him in the face.[/SIZE][/FONT]
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