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Way back in the 1970s, I lived in the projects and in an area where gangs were popping up all over the place. A couple of them were just guys trying to be tough but their bark was worst than their bite... but two of them were very well known for their violence and would roam their turf looking for a reason to terrorize anyone they could lay their eyes on. One gang snatched a mentally challenged kid off the street and drowned him in the swimming pool that was inside the park I lived across the street from. They were all arrested, tried, and sent to prison for life but the message was clear: Stay out of the park unless you couldn't avoid it.

One night, I was walking home from my girlfriend's house - she lived like five blocks away - and pure habit had me walking along the outside of the park. I'd noticed that the lights over one part of the sidewalk were out - again - but didn't pay much attention to it. I was a block from home when three guys jumped out of the darkness and confronted me. I instantly went into self-defense mode, thinking that they might take me out but I wasn't going out easily and I was going to have company.

They tried to roust me for money but I proved I didn't have any and I didn't have anything of value on me. One guy said that they should kick my ass anyway and my flight or fight instinct kicked into high gear and my martial arts training had me visualizing what I was going to do to defend myself. However, one guy, I dunno, recognized me - but I didn't know any of them - and told his boys that I could fight using that "kung fu shit" and it gave his partners pause. I was hoping that they'd just give up trying to fuck with me and let me go... but.

"Let's make him suck our dicks!" one of them said. The guy who seemed to know who I was said, "Yeah - if you suck us off, we'll let you go!"

I smiled and said, "Okay - who's first?"

I'd let it go to my head to have guys tell me that I could (a) suck dick better than some girls and (b) I could take all of a dick down and when girls couldn't or were afraid to. Which, of course, I got my feelings hurt really bad when a guy told me that I was lousy at it even though he did cum in my mouth. His words hurt but they also grounded me and I was determined that no one was going to ever tell me that again.

With some guys, I learned that if they were taking too long to cum, all I had to do was start going deep on them and, man, I felt a great sense of pride and accomplishment to feel their dick pumping their cum into my mouth while moaning and groaning like a demented ghost. It was kinda hard to let a guy fuck my mouth because I wasn't in control of what he was doing but a girl taught me how to wrap my hand around a guy's dick to keep him from putting too much of it in my mouth and, of course, it worked and while it made some guys mad, I didn't really care because I hated having my throat feeling all raw and sore because they weren't being... considerate about shoving all of their dick in my mouth or trying to.

And all of this was before I saw the movie everyone was talking about: Deep Throat. What a ruckus that movie made! I remember being in San Francisco in a theater and watching it and... I wasn't impressed. She wasn't doing anything that I hadn't learned to do except now I knew it was called deep throating and for obvious reasons. Still, when it came to sucking dick, I was still driven to be the best I could be at it and if that meant deep throating a lot, that's what I'd do. Along the way, I learned some stuff about going deep, like breathing through my nose and being relaxed and definitely don't try to force it down and, just as important, don't let him try to force more dick in my mouth than I wanted to deal with.

Such a great sense of accomplishment to have a guy's down as far as it could go... and he cums while deep in my mouth and throat. Learning to not panic over not being able to breathe - and to keep breathing through my nose because, um, I did find out a few times what happened when I failed to do that and... it wasn't pretty. Coping with the very weird feeling of not really swallowing his cum because he's so deep that it just slid down my throat and, hopefully, into the right "pipe." Feeling it throb and pulse. Man, what a rush.

I could teach others how to do it and even when they were sure that they couldn't. Learned that it was easier for guys than it was some girls because our mouths are "bigger." And one of the important things I learned was that when someone was taking me deep, it was easier for them to do it when I'd just stay still and let them do it. And also learning that there are some guys who do not know how to get their dick sucked.

I learned to go deep on a guy early on and it's a lesson I have never regretted learning.

One of the "silly" things we used to do having sex was daring each other to put all of someone's dick in your mouth and keep it there for as long as you could. For a bit of time, "sucking dick" was just having your mouth on the head of the guy's dick and licking and sucking on it until, in the beginning, he got that good feeling - and you could feel his dick going through the motions of ejaculating but, nope, nothing - or he shot his stuff into your mouth. I'm not sure how I learned or was taught to put more than the head in my mouth but back then, if you dared me to do a sexual thing, not only would I do it but everyone knew I would. Put it all in my mouth? Sure! Those first times were... eye-wateringly interesting as my gag reflex didn't like a guy's dick that far "down my throat" than it did when I had to stick a finger way in there so I could throw up - and with my mom the nurse watching.

After that, being able to deep throat my friends was both fun and exciting and more so when, usually, when I took all of them down, they'd shoot their stuff pretty quickly. I remember sucking an older guy's dick and it occurred to me, while I was sucking him, that his dick wasn't all that big or long and I could do to him what I could do to my friends and maybe he'd like it. Oh, he liked it just fine because the moment my nose hit his pubic bone, he shot his stuff and... I didn't, in retrospect, take into consideration that this older guy could shoot more stuff than my friends could or did.

It's a wonder I didn't choke to death on it. Well, I kinda did and when he heard me kina choking, he backed up a little and that allowed me to swallow his stuff or, really, the stuff that hadn't already flowed out of my mouth in my moment of distress. I thought he was going to be mad at me but to my surprise, he wasn't and he even asked me how I knew how to do that. I... wasn't of a mind to tell him how I knew because (1) he assumed that I'd never sucked dick before and (2) if I told him that I learned it by sucking my friends, he could have ratted me out to my parents.

I didn't even think about the fact that he could have ratted me out anyway. I think he was very impressed, though. He sucked my dick and I shot my stuff almost immediately because, of course, he could eat my whole dick with stupid ease even though he had said that I had a big dick for a kid my age. He didn't have a problem swallowing it but, yeah, he was surprised and I was feeling kinda... special. I sucked his dick again and used that to get better at putting it all in my mouth, sucking it, and being able to swallow stuff. Yeah, with some of the dicks I sucked, I couldn't get all of them all the way down but it wasn't for a lack of trying and I gagged a lot on the bigger dicks but I kept at it and because the guys I would suck really seemed to like that I could do that.

Guys would tell me that I was a good cocksucker and that made me feel proud and I used their praise to be as good at is as I could be. There was this one guy whose dick was "really long and fat" and I was struggling trying to take all of it in. He stopped me and asked, "Why do you keep doing that when you're having a problem doing it?"

"I want to be good at doing it," I said to him after he gave me some tissues to blow my nose.

He laughed and said that I didn't have to give myself problems in order to be good at it. He said I should only do what I could do but if I could do more, then fine. He gave me his dick to start sucking again and, well, he was right in what he'd said and I learned that if I didn't think about taking it all, I could take it all and I took all of his even though it was so thick that it felt like my mouth was splitting "wide open."

Many years ago when I was living in Minneapolis, I met a really hot chick named Cara. She was a Vikings cheerleader and worked in a major department store. We started going out a lot. But every time I tried to do more than just make out with her, she held back. She finally invited me back to her place. She lived in a big mansion on Lake Minnetonka that was owned by 2 gay guys. We went there after work one night so I could meet her roomies. They were both fairly big guys. Craig owned an exclusive health spa and Derek was a former college football player that dabbled in art. We talked and drank and even did some coke. The night was progressing and I was hoping these guys could leave so I could finally seal the deal with Cara. She left for a long while and when she returned she was dressed in a skimpy Victoria"s Secret outfit. Now, I was really getting horny. We partied some more and she finally told me what the deal was. She said I had to let Craig and Derek have their way with me before I could fuck her. That was their living arrangement. Now I had never been with a guy before, let alone 2 guys and I hadn't planned on it! The guys were cool but ogling me up and down. She left and they took me to their Master suite. It was huge and something out of a magazine. They took my clothes off and we went into the shower. They scrubbed me from head to toe, shampoo, conditioner and everything. We got out and went to the huge bed. I was scared to death. My legs were shaking and I told them I'd never been with a man before. They said nothing. Derek laid me on the bed belly down and started to tongue my asshole. Craig walked around and shoved his huge cock into my mouth! Derek shifted to lubing me up and fingering me. Craig was face-fucking me. Derek shoved a small dildo into my virgin ass and started pumping me. Craig was not letting up. Except for some grunting and groaning there was no talk!. Derek pulled out the dildo and shoved his meat inside of me. He felt huge, and he was! They were spit-roasting me as I've come to learn. At some point they switched. Now Derek shoved his monster in my mouth and I tasted for the first time a mix of sweat, lube, pre-cum, and my own ass, and Craig stretched my ass out some more. They were fucking me at a furious face and Craig blasted in my ass and Derek blew in my mouth. When I looked up Cara was frigging herself on a chair in the corner. We were all laying on the bed and Craig said "Rest. It's going to be a long night" I'll tell the rest of the story at another time.

I didn't share this to excite. I didn't share this to draw any ire or to induce bad feelings about incest. I shared it because this was a part of my evolution as a bisexual male. I shared it because I have no shame about it and I often find it to be... ironically funny that, again, this was the only way we could get along with each other and even "funnier" because he knew it just as well as I did.

We did talk seriously about stopping it. We're grown. If we didn't know better before (and we did), we do now. We should be able to find another way to be brothers and get along with each other. We said that this time would be the last time and, yeah, nope, it wasn't. So much for that. The hurt and very odd pleasure hearing him say that the only thing he really liked about me was... I could fuck his brains out and way better than any other dude could... and me having to come to terms with feeling the same way about him.

I shared it to bring into the light a truth that's... a truth. Brothers can and do have sex with each other. Usually in the younger years and comes to a halt at some point. Doesn't usually keep going past this point but it can. That's it's still sex with a man is very much at the root of this and, well, I am very bisexual and accepting the truth that as fucked up as it may sound to you, my brother was a guy who I loved to have sex with even though, in the beginning, I didn't want to.

I learned the truth of things. I accepted it. The only shame I had was not being able to save his life. Otherwise? No shame about what we did to and for each other because if nothing else, we were both very bisexual men and I know that us having sex played a major role in him being able to accept that he was bisexual and I know this because he told me and in one of those rare moment when we were being totally honest with each other and that usually went like, "You know I can't stand you, right? Are we gonna do this? What are you waiting for?"

Some truths are both good and bad and this part of my life is proof of that. And I'm good with it and if this is the best memories I have of him, I'm glad to have them.

"Man... I really needed this," he says as he pulls out of me and flops over onto his back.

"You couldn't have needed it that bad if it took you so long since the last time," I said.

"Yeah, I know, but, shit, you know how it can be, right?" he asks with a sigh - and I do know how it can be but I still feel that... warmth because he did come over and when it was possible for him to do so. I'm still pissed about a lot of shit at this point but decide to try and sort it out later because now - and by rote - we're both thinking if we can go at it again and if things are still the way they have been, we're both... satisfied.

"You wanna go again?" he asks - and on cue.

"I don't mind if you want to," I say - and on cue.

"Nah, I'm good," he says and I say that I am, too. I also know that we're just not saying it because I remembered that one time we talked about how we could have sex with each other and just satisfy the hell out of each other without a need to go for a second round - and agreeing that we've been doing this for so long that we just know how to satisfy each other and, yeah, better than other guys could.

And this time is no different. We hit the bathroom to get cleaned up - and he makes the expected comment about how he doesn't understand how we can have the same father but my dick is bigger than his and I respond the way I have always responded: I shrugged. Yeah, I know why because I figured it out way back in biology class and when we studied genetics... but I wasn't going to even try to explain that to him. All cleaned up and we get dressed and go back downstairs and we take a moment to look each other in the eyes and he says, "Well, I gotta book and take care of some shit."

And he just leaves. No "thank you" or anything like that. And I'm okay with it because there is no need for us to be all... mushy with each other and talking about loving each other when we both knew that we didn't... but we did love having sex with each other and thought, as I closed and locked the door behind him, that I probably wouldn't figure out why we were like this.

And, today, two days before he would have been 64, I still don't know, and I've had a lot of time to think about this. I still think that it's weird that incest brought us together in a way that being brothers, ultimately - and because of some shit involving our mother tossing our father out - failed to do. I understood that this was the only way we could really... connect with each other and even a backhanded kind of way to express love for each other even though neither of us would ever say that we loved each other and, yeah, if someone asked me if I loved him, I'd get a look on my face that spoke more than whatever I might try to say about how I really felt about him. I didn't like feeling the way I did about him but it was what it was and more so when I understood a truth: If we didn't have anything more than having the same parents, we had this and it was the one thing we had in common on top of both of us being bisexual.

You'd think that this would break through our shared animosity but, nope, not until I would, some day or the other, hear him knocking on my door and I know why he is. Even if there is something going wrong for him and he does need my help - and help that I'm not really of a mind to provide but he is my brother and if I can help him, I will - and even if he doesn't really appreciate it but facing the truth that he does appreciate us having sex even when it was something that we both should have given up once we were both adults - and adults who knew better. And... we didn't. I think that we couldn't because it was the only thing that made us feel like brothers. I don't know. He's a long-time dead and that's another story. I do wonder that if he were still alive, would we still have sex with each other because it was the only way we could get along... and I don't know that, either.

It just was what it was. One of those landmark moments as a bisexual, both young and older. And knowing some truths that does make people feel some kind of way but a truth nonetheless.

I'm thrusting into him and I'm thinking about the time our mother caught us and her voice telling me that I'm old enough to know better is echoing in my mind because since I am the oldest, I do know better; it knew it then and I sure as fuck know it now and... I didn't care then or now. I long since got right with the fact that if this is the only way we can get along with each other, it's better than nothing.

I'm gonna cum and he knows it and because of the way I just said, "Shit..." and I... giggle inside my head because I've said this word in the exact same way every time I was about to cum and it speaks to how... normal this is for me. I give in to it; he's fucking back against me and clenching his hole and making me cum harder and, damn him for knowing how to make me feel this way. I pull out of him and I hear him say, "Damn - you still got it!"

And I laugh for a moment. He rolls over onto his back and I go back down on him until he's hard enough to get it in me and I want him in me. I lube us up and lie on my stomach - and the way we have always fucked each other and almost laughing aloud to think that we never tried any other position. He mounts me and I feel his knob pressing against my hole and it's like my body knows it's him and admits him easily and I sigh and think about what he said about our dicks being made for each other. The same old "irritation" to know that I'm the oldest and he's next to last in age and of the four of us and... he's fucking me really good but that makes sense given how many times he's fucked me before. It's... nasty and in the worst moral way possible and I don't really give a fuck about that even though something inside of me still insists that I should. And just as I have before, I ignore it because he is screwing me nicely and like no one else can.

The truth hurts but it can feel good, too. It's so comfortable and familiar to be lying under him and feeling him moving in and out of me; I know him so well that I even know that it's going to take almost exactly six minutes inside me before he cums and in my head, the clock is running. This time, however, it takes a whole ten minutes before I feel his dick swell in my ass, he says, "Motherfucker! I hate it when you do this to me!" and he's cumming. Filling my ass with cum - and cum that comes from the same source as the cum I put into his ass and that makes this so... dirty, nasty, and very damned good.

It's always been this good with him. I'm... pissed. Because it's over. Because there's no telling when we will do this again. Because we're going to go right back to hating each other and like what we've just done never happened. Damn it all to hell.

In the time it took to head up to my bedroom, I'm thinking way back to the beginning of this and how he pressured me into having sex with him by constantly asking and begging for us to do it - but he never threatened to tell our parents about what he knew I was doing with other boys. And... I caved into the pressure... and just like I'd done ever since. Feeling a bit of anger with myself because while my mind isn't happy to see him, my body is and my dick is already hard before I even get undressed.

His demeanor has instantly gone from his usual snarky, asshole-ish vein to being serious. We're out of our clothes and he cups my balls and says to my dick, "I've missed you..." and kneels down to start sucking me. It feels good because he knows my dick very well; I'm... not happy for some reason but it doesn't stop me from taking a few moment to fuck his mouth before getting us on the bed so we can 69. I know his dick very well, too; I know how he loves to be sucked and it's all automatic to me - but I realize that I'm pissed off because it's been almost three years since the last time we did this and the moment when I finally had to admit that I missed seeing him for this every few weeks or so before his vanishing act.

Our routine is the same as it has been for the longest time. We suck each other off and just like every time we've done it, I know it's evil and unholy but I also know the truth about having sex but the incestuous nature of what we''re doing is... thrilling. He cums first, thrusting into my mouth (and like he's done ever since he busted his first nut in my mouth way back then) and I'm not too far behind him and just as I have since that first time, I hate that it feels so goddamned good and better than all the other men I've done this with.

We get untangled and I almost know what he's about to say - because he's said it before.

"Damn, I really miss this..." he says and, yep, right on cue. I hear myself saying that I miss it, too, and I'm even more pissed because I know it's the truth and, as it has been since we both grew up and came to the understanding that we just didn't like each other, I'm thinking about how the hell it's possible that we can get along just fine... when we have sex with each other but when we're not, yeah, I'd kill him if I had to and he's tried to off me at times.

While we're recovering for the next part of the routine, we're talking like brothers should and catching each other up on what's been going on since we last saw each other while stroking each other's dick and the "rule" has always been whoever starts to get it back up first is the first to do some fucking and this time, I'm getting it back up first. I grab the lube and use a finger to get as much of it inside him and he moans and wiggles his butt against my finger and says again, "I've missed this - get it in."

We both groan as my dick slides right into him right down to the hilt and it feels good being inside him again and, as always, it never escapes me that it's like our dicks were custom made to fit perfectly into each other and, also as always, I'm thinking about how good and evil it is for us to be doing this but it's not really bothering me because, again, I know the truth about having sex and this isn't any different from the many times I've had sex with a man other than this is my pain-in-the-ass brother and, for a moment, I laugh because he's literally going to be a pain in my ass right after I cum in him.

As I'm fucking him, I'm thinking about how normal this feels; he's moaning and groaning and egging me on to fuck him harder and faster and I just do it and like I've done at his command so many times before and I'm... irritated because by all rights, this should have stopped a long time ago. We had both agreed that it should have... but. It warms my heart to hear him tell me - and as he has every time - that no one fucks him better than I do. This is more than "just sex" for us; it's the only time when we are able to set aside the animosity we have for each other and the only time we're really brothers even if in this special and forbidden way.