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No difference still. 2 on the Kinsey test, 2.7 on the Klein test.

If you're interested in taking these tests just web search Kinsey test or Klein test. They're free and almost too basic in my opinion. But it's pretty much me. "2"

[SIZE=3]Where to begin?

That's a crucial question. Can I pinpoint when my curiosity [I]first[/I] began? Do I start with my initial fantasies, etc. Or is it better to focus on where it all went from a mere "I wonder" to actually becoming a reality?

Let me set the stage...

A year ago this month the pandemic decimated my career. I won't go into [I]what[/I] I do, exactly. But suffice it to say that my life's work fulfills me a very deep and satisfying way. I truly believe it's my Purpose with a capital P. I never feel so alive and in the flow as when I'm out doing my thing and touching the lives of others in positive ways.

I didn't realize [I]just[/I] how much it all meant to me until a month or two into the Covid situation. How does it go? "You don't know what you've got until it's gone?"

In one quick blow I lost my livelihood, my income, and my opportunity to fully express myself in meaningful ways. The impact was huge. If I was a single guy I think I would've handled it all a bit better. I'm married and have three young children. My work is ([I]was) [/I]the sole means by which I support my family.

Like a series of dominoes, job after job after job pulled out, postponed or cancelled all together. Day after day, week after week, month after month...I hoped things would change. I frantically searched for new ways to do what I do. I took some classes and workshops on online marketing and other virtual businesses. These webinars and online classes, some of them were very long. I spent hours each day in my Man Cave on my computer taking in all this new information.

I pulled away from family and friends. It's sort of my go-to strategy when I'm feeling bad. Retreat. When I get overwhelmed I become even more introverted. The problem was in my need to withdraw as a way to soothe myself and recoup and regroup.

Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda.

Yeah, I could've taken some other kind of job I guess. Not much I'm trained in. I [I]was[/I] in education earlier in my life...but even teaching was a non-starter as schools were closing left and right.

So I just kept on plugging away at the webinar stuff, taking in as much info as I could until my mind was overflowing.

On top of all of this my wife was beginning to crack under the strain of the pandemic and all the changes it brought with it. She was ([I]IS) [/I]going through what I truly believe is a Midlife Crisis of sorts. Covid created a pressure cooker situation in our marriage, our family. Then our own kid's school shut down and I was pressed into service as their teacher. My wife, who was used to having some time to herself during the day when they were away at school now had them 24/7 and the demands for her attention just snowballed.

I believe we all have some trauma fault lines that run through our personality. One good blow and those cracks begin to open up. For her it was all about her realizing just how oppressive her upbringing in an ultra conservative fundamentalist church environment and how it has impacted all facets of her life, stunted her growth, shut down her sexuality, forced her into believing her sole function in life was to martyr herself to her husband and children and fuck her own needs.

...and she was done, absolutely DONE with it! I saw a scared and angry part of her that I'd never seen before. Seething just under the surface. She started yelling at the kids...something she'd only rarely done before. She would break down from time to time. She confessed to me in tears one night after the kids had finally gone to bed that she was "changing. Cracking open" and didn't know if I'd like who she is becoming.

That scared the shit out of me.

As a guy my typical response in situations like this is to help figure out a solution, get clear on the problem and then work out the answer.

When I had gone through my own Midlife crisis years ago it was the Mytho-Poetic Men's Work of Robert Bly (Iron John, anyone?) and Sam Keen (Fire in the Belly) that quite literally saved my life. So my initial thought was that she is on a Heroes Journey. I started searching online for a female equivalent. Surely Joseph Campbell who had written extensively on mythology and the various rites of passage would have something of comfort for my wife, right?

Turns out, no.

Campbell and the other male authors say nothing of what that experience is like for women.

So I had to search deeper in uncharted waters, seeking someone, [I]anyone[/I] who could speak to what this process was like for a woman. It took awhile but I was determined. I found one woman who had authored a short book on some of the various issues currently plaguing my wife. Those books referenced other resources and I followed them all like a detective. Finally, I found a book I felt would speak directly to my wife and give her both comfort and a way forward through this dark night of the soul.

It would take too long to wait for it to be shipped to me so I purchased the digital version through Amazon. I learned I could actually "lend" e-books to other people from my Kindle account and sent the book to my wife. I was so excited! Now we were getting somewhere! She was grateful for all my hard work, my desire to help her navigate this unfolding. We talked a bit more about it all and she promised to start reading it the next morning once the kids were at their aunts for the day. She tucked in and I just couldn't sleep...I was too wired over finally finding something that would bring some wisdom and comfort to my wife. I was so interested [I][B]I[/B][/I] wanted to read it!

So I opened up my Kindle on our laptop. But I soon discovered that since I'd already "loaned" it to my wife I wasn't able to access it until she had finished it. "Crap" I whispered. That's okay, I thought, I'll just click on the link in the email I sent her to share the book and read it from her Kindle! I signed out of my browser and signed in to hers and navigated to her Gmail account and found the link I'd sent her. But right above it, where I could not miss it, was another email, specifically a draft of an email she was working on right before going to bed . The first sentence of which was visible in the title heading Waking Up...

[FONT=verdana][COLOR=#4b0082]"Thinking how lovely it would be to wake up and bury my face in your neck and just breathe you in for awhile..."[/COLOR][/FONT]

The email was not addressed to me. It was to someone named Dave. Unable to breathe, panic making me lightheaded and nauseous, I clicked on the draft to find out what the fuck this was.

[FONT=verdana][COLOR=#4b0082]"...And once I've been saturated in your scent, you can get out your ratcheting straps and do what you want to me..."[/COLOR][/FONT]
[/SIZE]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]None of the difficulties "sour" me on being bisexual; finicky guys are never going to change that. I really don't complain about it all that much but, yeah, there are some times when I sit and think about all of this - and remember how damned easy it used to be - and it's... disappointing. It's good that there are a whole lot of bi guys to be found; bad that you gotta go through some shit to find someone who is going to be, at the very least, agreeable to hook up, pull each other's dicks out, suck them until you both cum, and whatever happens after that, happens... or just doesn't.

And it sucks - and never in a good way - to know that all I can do is not like the way things are these days. I have always made it easy for guys to get in my underwear because as I've said here time and time again, I have three rules: Be old enough to consent to sex where you live, be healthy enough to have sex, and don't be my idea of an asshole and that includes bringing a lot of drama that has no business or place in this at all. I know that I'm an OG bisexual from way back in the day but one who is very much aware of how things are today because the student I've always been has to pay attention to why guys are the way they are these days and why those who very much want to play with a dick are, in fact, making it hard on themselves to do that and, in turn, making it hard for other men to satisfy their craving for dick.

The bad part is that I know why. It doesn't do much good to question a guy about his reluctance to do something because if he has reasons not to, they're legitimate to him and, sometimes, there's not a whole lot that can be said that's going to change his mind. So much social angst; so much paranoia in this as well. I actually had a guy tell me that he knew for a fact that if he just touched another guy's cock, he was going to get AIDS or some other STD - but he wanted to do more than just touch another man's cock. So much fear. A great and huge departure from keeping things simple. With some guys, hah, you just might have to fill out an application just to talk to them about this or go through a background check. Casual sex? Oh, forget that shit - it's guaranteed to be dangerous! If it's not gonna be FWB, it's an instant and immediate deal breaker. And guys who are starving for cock... and just unwilling to do anything to get it.

I miss the good old days...[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I was feeling a bit bummed out one day when I had to turn a guy down because I wasn't going to show up at his place dressed like a woman and I definitely wasn't going to use him as a toilet while he was wearing a diaper - yeah, I've heard some seriously crazy-assed shit and just when I'd think I'd heard it all, something else would come along to baffle the shit out of me.

My wife noticed the way I was feeling and asked me what was going on and I told her and even mentioned that when I was younger, this was so much easier and I very much missed the "good old days" of getting some dick. She even said that from where she was sitting, guys were just being stupid about it but reminded me that longing for the good old days served no real purpose and I agreed... but it's because of my good old days that I recognize how easy is isn't these days to just get with a guy to suck each other off.

Yeah, ya gotta be careful who you get with and that's just common sense... but it continued to baffle and, sometimes, frustrate me to be talking to a guy about this, everything is going good... and then it all falls apart over something that, at best, was just nit-picky, like the guy who ruined things because - and get this - I have a couple of dragon tattoos. Or the guy who got seriously pissy because I told him I wasn't into or going to play with his smelly feet; or the guy who insisted that I not bathe for a few days and then come over so he could get off on how stinky and funky I was.

Or I wasn't interested in being their boyfriend and in the literal sense; I was - and am - okay not being someone's idea of the perfect FWB or long-term fuck/suck buddy but when a guy starts giving me grief because I didn't want to be their boyfriend - or, yeah, their girlfriend. Or having to roll my eyes or shake my head with great sadness when my online M2M profile says I'm not all that into anal these days... and guys keep hitting me up and demanding to fuck me and then, again, telling me that I'm not a "real man" because I'm not that interested in being fucked - it just keeps me wondering what the fuck is going on and, again, why are some guys making this much harder than it has to be.

And my wife wonders why I so very much miss the good old days? I understand instant gratification: I want what I want and the exact way I want it and without exception and, with some guys, what the other guy wants doesn't mean shit to them. I understand the need to be safe and healthy; I've long since understood the need to be discrete and especially with guys who are married - and like I am - who do not have permission to get some dick - and like I've always enjoyed. That we're so deep into the whole top and bottom thing is both understandable... and frustrating at times and to the point where just being able to get together and suck each other off becomes a huge deal breaker. I've been of a mind that when a guy wants to bust a nut in your mouth - but tell you that you'd better not even think about busting one in his mouth - and it has nothing to do with being safe - yeah, there's something not quite right in the world these days.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Guys were turning into "specialists" - the thing we know today as tops and bottom and there were few guy who were willing to be both ways. Guys were so busy protecting their reputation or being very fearful of whatever woman they were involved with finding out that pussy wasn't the only thing they liked and wanted that I could tell that a lot of them very much wanted to do something... but were just too afraid to. There were always gay guys looking for guys to have sex with but even they'd get pissy about it when they learned that I wasn't gay like they were but, sure, there were gay men who didn't care if my dick and mouth were involved with the much-hated pussy; I had a good sized dick; I sucked dick and didn't mind being fucked and had no qualms about being sucked or dumping a load of cum in gay asses.

It just wasn't easy to make happen. The Internet came on the scene along with bulletin boards where guys looking for guys to have sex with were booming and while there was, at least for me, a lot of dick to be had, it still wasn't as easy as I thought it should be and being introduced to flakes and fakes was just a straight-up bummer... but I'd resolved myself not to lose any sleep over it because it wasn't like I couldn't get some dick but because a lot of guys were making it almost impossible to do that, well, there was some sense in being "just as picky and selective" as they were being.

We get to the here and now... and everyone seems to have their panties in a bunch about it. One can still get some dick but guys were making it even more difficult to do so by being, let's say, too specific and particular about things. Nothing had me shaking my head in disbelief more than to be told that, nope, we can't do anything because my skin was the wrong color or my dick wasn't big and fat enough or because I'd learned the hard and painful way about shaving my junk bald - ingrown hairs that required surgical intervention - there were guys who would vanish like smoke to learn that I had pubic hair and my keeping it trimmed short wasn't good enough. I was beyond dumbstruck to have a guy tell me that I was too tall for him and, more than a few times, I'd had guys tell me that my dick was too big or we couldn't do anything because I didn't have foreskin.

And I'd find myself sitting and asking myself, "What the fuck is going on?" and, importantly, "Why are guys making this harder than it has to be?" The answer was easier than getting some dick to play with: The social stigma was doing a good job of making guys leery and, well, flat-out afraid. The "ease" of getting some dick online went by the wayside not only due to the many fakes and flakes but there were - and still are - a lot of outright assholes online being very pushy and demanding and then bad-mouthing you and insulting your manhood when, say, you didn't drop everything you were doing and go service them immediately if not sooner. Or if you weren't going to do whatever they wanted. Or some guy would either get ghost or get surly and pissy when they'd demand that I come right now and suck their dick and I tell them that they're gonna have to suck my dick, too - only to have them trying to tell me that I wasn't a "real man" by telling them that whatever they planned on doing to me, I was going to do the same thing to them.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Summertime was the best time. No school to worry about; being sent out to play early in the morning and after breakfast just lent itself very well towards opportunities to do the nasty and with anyone who wanted to as well. If you were like me and had friends in other parts of the city, if you couldn't find someone to do it with "at home," you could always go hang out with them because you knew that if there was a chance to do it, it was gonna get done.

With school in session, there were still opportunities to do it during the week, you know, if you got your homework done and were allowed outside for a while but, if not, there was always the weekends and even the chance to have a sleepover with a friend during the weekend. And while things like family vacations or, for me, going away to a summer camp for a month, would drastically reduce being able to do with your friends, there were always other opportunities for The Questions to come up, be answered in the positive and you could find yourself doing some sucking and fucking easily enough.

And then you get older and being able to do it became more difficult. Guys were leery about making their desires known because anyone who got singled out as being a faggot or a queer - and even if that wasn't the truth about them - was catching all kinds of hell from being unmercifully teased to getting beaten up. I saw that the older I got, the less easy it was to have sex with a guy, not because there were no guys who didn't want to do it like that - they were just too afraid to. I realized that there was... something about me that would tell other guys that if they asked, I would say yes; and while I had learned that there were some guys you should never say yes to - and no matter how much I wanted to do it - I was "fortunate" to not have that many problems getting some dick, even if it was just sucking dick, which was fine with me because while I liked being fucked and doing some fucking, I loved sucking dick (and being sucked) even more.

Because I ate pussy, being able to do it with a girl wasn't a problem so while a lot of guys were going through that teenaged drought, I never did. For better or worse, I was known to be the guy who, if you wanted to get laid, I was the guy to find and talk to. That and I was... charming and, as one girl said, "A smooth talking devil..." getting laid wasn't that much of a problem and I knew that even if a girl didn't want to, I'd be able to run into a guy who would definitely want to. And it didn't hurt to know that I had a good-sized dick, either.

Going into adulthood, however, saw getting some dick to be very problematic. Guys, in particular, were just too afraid to let it be known that they were "like that." The usual STDs were going through yet another boom time which made getting laid difficult and by the time HIV arrived on the scene, being able to get some dick became even more difficult... for most guys, anyway. Even the guys who wanted to get busy weren't exactly making it easier for them - or for me - to get anything done and even asking a more grown-up version of The Questions was proving to be a huge problem.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Again, I didn't pay too much attention to what was going on with the other guys who were like me - and when we weren't doing it to each other like the fiends we were - but I found out quickly that there weren't too many places I could go and not run into a guy who would decide that asking me The Questions would be a good idea. One of the things I realized when I got much older was that during the early times, I [B]never[/B] had to ask either of the questions... because someone was always asking me. It wasn't that I had a problem asking The Questions but it always turned out that someone would ask me before I could ask them.

In a lot of situations, the guy asking the first question was asking to find out if he was really the only one who was thinking about doing it with a boy and if the answer was yes, then it was time to play a "20 Questions" kind of thing - what was it like, does it feel good to have it done to you in the hiney - stuff like that and, oh, yeah - are you shooting The Stuff? Add on the question of whether or not you played with yourself and by the time all of these Questions got asked and answered, young dicks would be very hard and doing something about that became a very exciting necessity. I mean, really: Who didn't want to do it with another boy and more so when everybody knew it wasn't allowed?

It was just way too easy. Two main Questions to be asked and answered. And if a guy was too afraid to do it - and despite being very eager to - it wasn't that big of a deal and, a lot of times, a guy who was too afraid at that moment would eventually stop being all that afraid and among my very horny friends, if there was a guy who didn't want to do it in any way with a boy, well, there had to be something wrong with them! And the only thing any of us were deathly afraid of was getting caught doing it and especially in the time I was growing up because that was the time that any adult in the neighborhood who caught you doing anything you shouldn't be doing could beat your ass, drag you home, tell your parents what they caught you doing and you could now look forward to getting your ass beaten again.

Despite this, it didn't do a whole lot to stop us from pulling our dicks out and putting them to good use.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I've been a student of bisexuality ever since I learned the word and connected it to how I was having sex with both boys and girls and despite the level of adherence to morality in those early days, it was so easy to have sex with someone and especially boys.

You could always tell the guys who were interested because you would eventually be asked The Questions, plural because there were two of them. The first, which indicated curiosity, was always, "Have you ever done it with another boy?" and "it" was, of course, have sex (or doing the nasty as we called it). The second, which could have a dual meaning was, "Do you wanna do it?" This one usually meant the guy asking the question had done it before and wanted to do it right then and there but sometimes it meant that, if the first question was asked and answered with a yes, it was an offer to sneak off somewhere and do it to each other.

While some guys would be a bit hesitant to ask the second question of someone that, say, they just met, there would be a bit less hesitation to ask the first question and I never figured out why it was "easier" to ask the first question than the second but it was what it was but if you knew a guy or met a new one and got to talking long enough - and I'm talking minutes and not days - you could bet anything you cared to that you'd be asked one or both of the questions.

Now it was simply a matter of how you answered either of the questions: Yes or no. Now, sometimes and depending on who was doing the asking, if you said no to the question of ever doing it with another boy, the next question just might be, "Do you ever think about doing it like that?" which, depending on how you answered that one, might lead to the "official" second question and, yeah, sometimes, the guy asking that... middle question would just keep asking stuff along the same lines until you definitely said no or you "caved in" and said yes - and now it's time for the "official" second question to be proposed.

With guys you'd already done it with, there was no need to ask anything other than the second question and while there was always the choice of saying yes or no, yeah and usually, if a guy asked if you wanted to do it, your response would be, "Where?" Not "when" or "what." Making getting some dick even easier was that, most of the time, such conversations didn't take a whole lot of time, even when a guy had to get up the nerve to ask the question and then only in the situation where the two of you were just making each other's acquaintance and each other's coolness was established.

I didn't pay that much attention to how other guys dealt with this and The Questions but for myself? The answer to both was always yes [I]unless[/I] there was something about someone I'd just met that didn't sit well with me but that didn't happen a whole lot... at first, anyway. Otherwise, if a guy wanted to do the nasty with me, I was all for it and it never mattered what he wanted to do because, in the early goings, if you were into doing the nasty with boys, you both did it all: Sucking and fucking.[/SIZE][/FONT]