My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend: Challenging Bi-Phobia

My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend: Challenging Bi-Phobia

By Holly Baines

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At the end of his article "Pride Presence – The Bi Way" Bryen Dunn invites us all to “get out there and celebrate our Pride all year long!” This is a commendable goal, and one I like to think that I’m getting pretty good at doing. But even so, I must admit there’s something special in the air when Pride Toronto rolls around each year.

Pride is a time when I feel like I can really be me – the queerer, the better. When I first started celebrating Pride it felt like something to do to be more involved in a queer community. As the years have passed, though, I’ve come to see it more like a high holiday. It should be a right – like a statutory vacation day – not a privilege. Everyone – queer or not – should be wishing queers a happy Pride. It’s a special time, and we should share it with the people we love.

This year that seemed a whole lot trickier for my girlfriend and I than it has in years past. You see, I’m a lesbian and she’s bisexual … and we’re polyamorous (which has nothing to do with her being bi, by the way). We’ve been together for almost 6 years now, but this is the first year we’ve been “actively” poly – she’s got a steady boyfriend. He’s bi too. They’d been together for about 9 months by Pride 2005, and by anyone’s standards that’s long enough to be Pride dates. So there we were, three queers with our high holiday approaching, and some complex logistics to work out.

We all know one another and have even enjoyed the occasional coffee together, but I don’t think any of us really thought about spending Pride together as a trio. That’s not how we’re doing poly. We’re two distinct couples, with one partner in common. But with a little ingenuity and negotiating ahead of time we managed to work out a plan where each of the couples got to celebrate Pride together.

Oddly enough, that was the least tricky aspect of our Pride. Scheduling is easy in comparison to the social aspects of it all. It was just plain weird to be spending part of Pride without her, and knowing that she was off celebrating “our” holiday with someone else. I didn’t resent it really. I mean it’s their holiday too. It was just truly different. I had to wrap my head around her having another honey she wanted to be at Pride with. But even that wasn’t the really tricky part.

The really tricky part is about bi-phobia. I have experienced it – once removed – before this year’s Pride. Whenever my girlfriend and I go anywhere together people assume that we’re both lesbians. I don’t know how much she’s able to forget that. But I know that I usually don’t remember that this is what people are thinking until they say something. In our case it’s usually been something quite innocuous, nothing truly vile or hateful, but enough to let us know that the assumption has been made. And that’s when I usually try to say something like “we’re both dykes, but I’m the only lesbian here.” Or if I want to be absolutely sure everyone knows what I’m talking about I’ll say, “I’m a lesbian, she’s bi.”

I speak up, not because I don’t think she can; I speak up because this usually happens when we’re in a “queer” environment, and I know that (unfortunately) lesbians are still more accepted than bi-women are, which means we’ve got more power. By my political standard that means we should use the authority we get from that power responsibly and take more of the risks. And it is risky to challenge people’s assumptions. I’ve talked to her about it, asking her if she feels like I’m stepping on her toes when I do this. She’s told me she likes it. We both agree the assumptions need challenging, and we can share the responsibility for doing it.

Not to be too simplistic about it, but it’s the assumptions people have that made Pride so tricky for me this year. These are the same assumptions that people have all year round, and they’re the same assumptions I’ve run into before at Pride. This year there was something a little more urgent about my need to respond to them, and to have that response heard. Let me tell you a little story about one of my Pride traditions by way of illustration.

My first Pride ever I volunteered for the Security Committee and that’s all I did. Not much in the way of socialising at all, because I hadn’t yet really come out and I didn’t know all that many people in the community. Through a combination of different circumstances I ended up becoming good friends with the co-chairs of the Security Committee, and worked closely with them for the next few Prides. At the end of the weekend, when things were beginning to wind down, we’d all go to a beer garden together and we’d talk about how the event had been. Usually the conversation started by dissecting how well the Security Committee had done its job. But once that topic had been exhausted we’d move on to what’s good and bad about Pride more generally. Inevitably someone would spot a straight looking couple in the crowd (one boy, one girl, holding hands or making out or something) and the bitch-fest would begin.

At first I saw nothing wrong with this. I agreed with them, and I still do – Pride is about a celebration of queer sexualities, and straight folks should be respectful of that. Back then I would have said that they should more or less keep away from the events. They certainly shouldn’t be coming and taking up public space with their sexuality. Every other day of the year, in almost every public space, it’s okay for straight folks to express their sexuality, their love for their sweeties. Those days, in those places, my sexuality is not okay. There should be at least one day when mine is and theirs isn’t.

But even before I began dating a bi woman I began to understand that those straight looking couples that we were bitching about might not be so straight after all. At least one member of the couple might be queer – perhaps bisexual. And so I would stop my friends mid-rant and point this out to them. This was when I found out just how old school many of them are. None of them thought that this was a good enough reason to stop bitching, and some of them even felt okay making the classic biphobic comments – that there’s no such thing, that people just need to make up their minds, bi's are just greedy – you don’t need me to tell you what they are. I wasn’t exactly stunned at their response the first time it happened, but I was disappointed when it happened again the next year.

It seems that bitching about straight people at Pride is a tradition that just can’t be messed with. Like I said it’s a tradition I can understand and have enjoyed. But once I figured out that I couldn’t tell if that man holding that woman’s hand was really straight or not, I knew that bitching about straight people at Pride wasn’t quite so simple. Where does queer begin and where does it end? Can we tell ourselves apart from the straights? If bisexuals are going to be a part of Pride do they have to leave a part of themselves behind?

This has been the choice of one of my friends. When she’s dating a woman, she and her honey have a great time celebrating Pride together. But when, like this year, she’s dating a man she limits her Pride engagements, and lets him know that he isn’t welcome to attend those ones she does participate in. She said to me, it’s about her queer side and her het side. According to her, her queer side is no more interested in seeing straight folks at Pride than my Security Committee pals are. She wants her queer space to be kept purely queer.

But I know that this isn’t how bisexuality works for everyone. My sweetie was never straight, even when her primary partner of over 5 years was a man. And she’s not a lesbian now, with me as her main squeeze. She’s queer through and through – through her bisexuality. And from what I know about her boyfriend, I’d have to say it’s pretty much the same for him. But there they were, out on the Pride site somewhere, maybe even holding hands – and I was in a beer garden with my Security Committee pals when the inevitable bitch-fest began. “Look at those two in the beer line up! They shouldn’t even be here.”

Oh yes they should!!!

(c) Copryight 2005 Holly Baines

Thanks for sticking up for us.

It infurates me that if i'm with a boy i shouldn't be at a pride fest.
I've been dealing with my Bisexuality since i was nine years old and i'm almost 40 now. I've dealt with phobia, same as lesbians. I've dealt coming out, same as lesbians, and i know that's a never ending process.

I don't have a het side and lesbian side; i am 100% Bi and i always will be no matter who i'm with.

Keep up the hard work with your poly arrangement! :three:

Hi Holly,

As a bi-sexual person I am on the verge of losing my wife after comming out to her. My question to people who feel the need to treat us with skepticsm and contempt is why would anyone claim they were bi if they were straight...or gay for that matter? Why would anyone in their right mind subject themselves to the pain of it?

Thank God there are people like you in the world, who can accept us for who and what we are...just decent human beings who happen to love both sexes.

Finally I will be at the next pride parade with bells on, whether I'm with a man or a woman or both;) I am and will continue to be proud.

Hugs

Folks, I apologize for jumping up and down on this one....I have apparently far more to say about this subject than you probably want to hear....Far more than two cents worth...sorry

Thank you, Holly, for the work that went into writing this article. You emphasize a deeply imbedded concern about relationships -- or lack of them.

Humans seem to find unlimited ways to inflict separatism upon one another. I understand that some people feed their self-perceptions by invisioning others as being different and, therefore, inferior. We label others, create distance from them, and then carry our self-righteousness to its extreme. It is especially disheartening when one disenfranchised segment of the population denigrates another discriminated group. It seems as though we believe that the universe lacks enough love and recognition for everyone.

The following scene reportedly took place on a BA flight between Johannesburg and London.

A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man. Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air hostess. "Madam, what is the matter," the hostess asked. "You obviously do not see it then?" she responded. "You placed me next to a black man. I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat."

"Be calm please," the hostess replied. "Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available." The hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later. "Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the economy class. I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is also no seat in the business class. All the same, we still have one place in the first class." Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued: "It is not usual for our company to permit someone from the economy class to sit in the first class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone so disgusting." She turned to the black guy, and said, "Therefore, Sir, if you would like to, please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in first class." At that moment, the other passengers who were shocked by what they had just witnessed stood up and applauded.

We tend to degrade others of differing religous beliefs, economic conditions, geographic areas, races, genders, political preference and so forth. So here we are with straights and a homosexuals against each other, gay men and lesbians against each other, and bisexuals against everyone.

The article, Bi God, seemed to imply that bisexual has historic roots tracing the superiority of this persuasion. As the "chosen people" bisexuals should be warned; look how it has turned out for others.

You may disagree, but I find no superiority or inferiority in bisexuality. We are who we are. Many have tried to deny that aspect of their life, others have hidden it, still some carry it as a weapon to abuse others, and some very fortunate bisexuals have found balance and acceptance in their world.

Regardless of the process we engage to live as best we can, do we really believe that there is not enough love for everyone? If love is sent out into the universe, does it not stimulate more love? As a group that is often the recipient of prejudice, do we believe it is serves our best interest to hold bigotry for others.

Bi-Ten asks of bisexuality: "Why would anyone in their right mind subject themselves to the pain of it?" Why, indeed? If we cannot be kind to each other and to others who are also repressed, why would anyone choose to be proud?

As bisexuals, we are not only the product of our sexuality, but also of how we elect to demonstrate our humanism. As bisexuals and friends of bisexuals, we have a responsibility to make ourselves worthy of pride.

With Love and Light,
Red

:bibounce: :grouphug:

Thank Gawd I am not the only one.
MY Girlfriend is Bi as well. More 1/2 & 1/2 then I am. I am kind of "Gay leading Bi". Anyway, she has a Boyfreind, and I KNOW she goes through this regularly. When we are together, because I am so Butch, and she so femme, it is assumed..."Oh, a Butch/Femme Lesbian couple". But in reality, it is two Bi's.
I am sorry to hear it is so wide spread...but, Misery does love complany;)

Have you read the article in ,"On Our Backs", Bi's Bite back?
I *Think* it was the June Issue. I could be wrong.
Very intestesting article on the very subject of MonoSexual Bigotry of Bisexuals.

Thanks again,
RC :female:

Dear Holly,
Thanks for this great article! I can totally relate. I remember Outfest last year (our local Coming Out Day celebration and block party), when my relationship with my Bi boyfriend was new.

Before that Sunday, I warned him that I would go to Outfest with him but he shouldn't hold hands with me because it would "cramp my style." Then I realized that it wasn't about me being free to flirt with girls--it was more about me being ashamed to be acting so Bi at a "Gay" event.

He pointed out that the purpose of the whole thing was to celebrate being "out and proud;" and didn't that mean that we should be free to be who we were (ALL of who we were) without having to worry about social disapproval? And the more I thought it over, the more I realized he was right. I wanted to be free, even if it pissed some people off.

We had a wonderful time, and I was my usual flirtatious self. (Women flirted back until they saw whose hand I was holding; they looked at his rainbow t-shirt and were very puzzled.)

This year I am fortunate enough to have both him and a girlfriend. (Yes, we're polyamorous, which means everything is honest and open, everyone knows and is friends with everyone else, and I don't get enough sleep.) I am hoping to spend time at Outfest hanging out with both of them, either together or as separate couples. Maybe with enough exposure to the fact that "yes, Virginia, there really are bisexuals," some minds will open up and start accepting us as a valued part of the BTLG community.

:flag3: Proud to be BI

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Bi-ten

Hi Holly,

As a bi-sexual person I am on the verge of losing my wife after comming out to her. My question to people who feel the need to treat us with skepticsm and contempt is why would anyone claim they were bi if they were straight...or gay for that matter? Why would anyone in their right mind subject themselves to the pain of it?

Thank God there are people like you in the world, who can accept us for who and what we are...just decent human beings who happen to love both sexes.

Finally I will be at the next pride parade with bells on, whether I'm with a man or a woman or both;) I am and will continue to be proud.

Hugs

---

Very Very very courgeous of you.

DM

Thank so much for this article. You have single handedly restored my faith in the possibility of finding other people who have been brave enough to evolve, and open their hearts and minds unconditionally.
My sexuality is complicated. Not for me, but for others ~ on both sides of the sexuality equation. I myself have just now, in my 40's , been comfortable enough to say out loud that I am bi sexual. I am drawn to the soul of an individual, and gender is irrelevant. My husband of 23 years is a bi cross dresser, so he supports my individuality, as I do his. To us, our lives are wonderful, and make perfect sense. To others, the wonderful woman I dated for 2 years in particular, I am a seflish neurotic woman who needs to be the center of attention. Quite the contrary. She stopped loving me because I wouldn't "make a decision" and love her exclusively. My heart is still broken.
I sometimes feel very isolated~ When I hear others making comments about anyone with an alternative lifestyle, I just cringe and wonder..."what would they think about me if they knew" . It's easier to live in secret, but angers me that I feel forced into that position. I do understand that gay and lesbian individuals feel justified in fighting for their rights, truly. But as oppressed as they have always felt, I find it curious that they are capable of inflicting the same oppression onto others, namely the bisexual community. Even among the "outsiders," we're "outsiders". Isn't it ironic, that those of us capable of giving the most love and understanding often receive the least?

Disha,

You have really captured some of the spirit of what it means to be bisexual.

To have such a gift, yet face intolerence and misunderstanding by most of the population is truely painful at times.

I believe that this state of mind, this openess, this ability to love as only a bi-sexual can, is god's gift to us. Share it if you are able.

With Pride!

an excellent article. too many people talk about acceptance and equal rights but bigotry is all around us. If acceptance of diversity is the ideal why are so many people against bisexuals? bisexuals are the ultimate in diversity. as for those who say we should make a choice, we have, we have decided that we love all people and can express that love in a sexual way with both genders. one would think that gays and lesbians would apreciate the support from all who are in the battle for acceptance. for those who understand the true nature of diversity and acceptance I salute you. if we stand together we will succeed.

i am happy being me.. it's not a switch to turn on and off, it's not a choice i made one day, it's who and what i am, nothin more, nothing less.

gay, het, or all others, they each have thier own problems.. maybe we should start telling them, "clean up your own backyard" when they scream predjudice by the straights and the [im] moral minority

I was touched by this article - like a lot of bi women, I've been on the receiving end of biphobia from lesbians, which ranges from know-it-alls informing me that I'm not really bisexual to being blamed for all the wrongs of sexism (because I'm "giving lesbian energy to men"). It's so ironic that many of these women are quick to challenge racism and other prejudices that don't affect them directly, but turn a blind eye to their own assumptions about bisexuals. Thank you so much for writing this.

What an awesome article. Thank you thank you! I can't tell you how many times I've been on the receiving end of bi-phobia. It's gotten so I avoid lesbians, after having been treated so badly so many times.

My first f/f relationship was before my divorce with a lesbian who was also married. She became so incredibly possessive and jealous of my marital relationship that she would call my house and scream at me at bedtime to try to keep me from going to bed with my husband. It left me very burned.

Now, after making dear friends with my neighbor who is an absolutely beautiful person, and butch lesbian, and then your article here....it gives me hope that someday I can get over my own fears of being bashed yet again.

*sigh* I'll know there's really been some change when one of the women actually talks to me at the gay rodeo in Sept.

:2cents:

d'you think this might sometimes be to do with people's belief in monogomy more than anything else?

just a thought. some of these experiences seem to be down to jealousy over another partner, or a belief that people should only have one?

lol awesome article lol

I am a bi male and cos I live in the same house with a gay male ( non relationship or sexual conection ) people tend to think that I am sleeping with him

and regularly I notice that when I take him to the local gay, lesbian bi social group... I am treated like a outcast....

what finally put the icing on the cake for me, was the vote for the people to run it and arrange outings etc..... my name was put forward.... and a fight ensued....
the butch lesbians were anti a male running things, the gay males were anti a female running things...and they were both anti a bisexual running things... as I didn't fit into their idea of a suitable person,... being bi... i was neither lesbian or gay

I like to think that for the most part that I, being bi, am very openminded about things

now I am proud of my hetero, gay, lesbian and bi, brothers and sisters cos we all have somebody looking over our shoulders judging us and putting us down
and at times, the gays can be more nasty than the heteros with the condemnation of other gays and bis......

it doesn't matter hows hand I am holding or whose sexual organs I am playing with... I am BI sexual... and proud of it... and the more people put me down, the more I laugh at them, cos me, being me, is challenging their ability to accept others as part of one big family

I always thought it would be weird if I showed up to my GLBT group and told them i had met a girl. Maybe i should have given them more credit, they're a good bunch. I always felt weird with people assuming that i'm gay though.

Thanks for speaking up about this
I am struggling with coming out as bi this pride for the same reasons that you discussed in your article.
I consider my self more lesbian than bi but i think if i was someone like your partner and had a poly relationship i would want to feel that i could be with both sides during pride.
I am proud of who I am and am tired of the bi phobia that exists paticularly amongst the lesbian community.
I apprecatie your article and hope that someday i will be in a realtionship as open as yours.
I hope to celebrate this pride as bieng openly bi and taking the chance of coming out to my lesbain freinds.
thanks
ladymozart

He pointed out that the purpose of the whole thing was to celebrate being "out and proud;" and didn't that mean that we should be free to be who we were (ALL of who we were) without having to worry about social disapproval? And the more I thought it over, the more I realized he was right. I wanted to be free, even if it pissed some people off.

Thank you for understanding. i have spent my whole life accepted no where because i wasn't lesbian and i wasn't straight. everyone thought i would run to the other side so no one accepted me or trusted me. I am 50/50 and its not a failure to make a decision, its the way I came into this world. I even made a rule to only date one person at a time, male or female just so no one would ever have to worry about monogamy, but that didn't get rid of future partners fears. I can't tell you how many women i have met , dated and been dismissed by as soon as they found out I am bi. Ido think you are very accepting and brave to stick up for her and accept her boyfriend. It takes a great deal of trust to do so.:bipride:

I think we should be struggling for equal rights, not special rights. When I hear about the gays 'straight bashing' I am reminded of Martin Luther King making his famous speach (If you have not actually heard it go on Utube he brought tears to my eyes) and in the crowd there were white people there to lend support to the African Americans. Martin Luther King reminded everyone not to mistrust all white people because of the hate they experienced. What an amazing and difficult thing to do, considering that these people faced such violence and hatred every day at the hands of whites. In my dream, we will be accepting of straight people who come out to support pride events. I am always telling my friends, "You don't have to be gay to have gay pride!" but really none of us would need gay pride if it was finally accepted. I don't think of myself as having gay pride. I am this way whether or not I want to be, I can't change. Being bisexual has made it exceedingly hard to accept, because people think I have a choice whether or not I want to be "normal". I am proud of the person that I am, and I want everyone to be free to love whomever they fall in love with...but saying I have gay pride is like saying I have a choice, and that has never been the case. We shouldn't forget that hetero sexual people don't have a choice, either, and if they come out to support our rights, we should love them for it! Here's to civil rights!

Huh...never really thought about it. Thanks for the story.

Nice post.

Do not confuse with bisexuality to being gay or vice versa, because the truth is that bisexuality is a sexual orientation during the validity of its own initiative.

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