I always questioned my sexuality, but had no intentions of ever exploring sex with a man. My wife and I never had an amazing sex life, but it went to having sex only once a year at most. I finally decided that the problem must have been me so I started working to win her interest back. I dropped about 40 lbs and put on about 10 lbs of muscle.
I read in an article that some women are too tired by life to have sex. They have full time jobs and become full time Moms. These two full time jobs don't leave much time to be sultry sex goddess. I started making certain that I was helping to do the house keeping and pitching in with the children. None of the things I was doing changed anything. If anything, it showed my how selfish she was. It soon became an expectation that I would do all of the cooking, laundry and house cleaning. I was the one that drove the kids to all of their activities.
I became really bitter and began to wallow in my situation. I couldn't believe that divorce was my only option. We had been married for 20 years and I felt cheated. I always said that I would never get divorced. It wasn't an option and even though I brought my concerns to my wife, nothing changed. I hated the thought of dating at 43 years old. I was concerned about starting over and having to live in an apartment with no money. I was afraid of the effect that it would have on the kids. With all of this in mind, I found my own selfishness and started looking to have an affair.
I found Adult Friend Finder and started visiting chat rooms and hosting web cam shows. I thought if a woman saw how jacked I had become, then I would be able to find a hookup. Little did I know, there aren't many women on that site. Those that are there aren't looking to have an affair with a married man. However, there were a ton of turned on gay guys. At first, I enjoyed the attention, but had no intention of doing anything with these guys. There was one guy, that I really enjoyed performing for. We grew to be friends and he really helped me understand what it means to be gay. He was patient and caring and made me feel special. I started to fantasize about meeting up with this guy.
I wasn't even sure that I would enjoy sex with a man. I bought a dildo with a suction cup and started to play with it. I absolutely loved it. I loved the sensation of the head of my toy pushing past my ass cheeks and entering me. The toy that I had bought was too big, but with patience and practice, I was able to get it working in and out of me. I began to fantasize about what it would be like to be with a man.
Throughout this "journey" I would reach a milestone and then retreat. I would do something like buy the toy and then become disgusted with myself. I would stop all activity and try to put the genie back in the bottle and ignore my desires. Every time, I would find the desire would well up inside and I would find myself back on the internet. I found an internet forum website called
shybi-guys.com and learned that I wasn't alone.
Through discussion with other married men like me, I got more and more courage to actually do something. I met up with a man that I had met on
Adam4Adam.com and had a sexual experience. Like all of the times before, I found myself retreating. I was angry with myself. I was disgusted by what I had actually done. More than anything I was beyond angry at my wife for causing me to have to do something like that. It finally gave me the courage to divorce her.
It's been two years since my divorce. I have learned so much since it happened. I learned that divorce sucks, but isn't the end of the world. My kids were affected by the divorce, but survived it and are learning to live in the new normal. I learned that my sexual exploration wasn't my wife's fault. My bisexual side was always there, it just needed to be brought out. She is a selfish, narcissistic bitch and I definitely needed to divorce her, but my bisexuality has nothing to do with her. I have learned that it isn't anything to be ashamed of. My sexual desire is healthy and I am not ashamed of it. I haven't had another encounter since the last one, but I am thinking of trying again.
I know this is a really long response to your question, but I don't think that there is an easy answer to it. I feel that it is probably answered differently by most married men. This is just mine.
Reply With Quote
Originally Posted by GayGuy04
Bookmarks