Originally Posted by
elian2
I can remember being fascinated (but not pleasured) by my erection at like 5 years old. I can remember being intensely curious about other people's genitals when I was young -- I GUESS because this was the part they always said you couldn't see right??
I remember at first just wanting to love people and I really didn't care WHAT was between their legs .. I remember wishing I could do more female chores when I was younger, I always seemed to get along better with females. The men? I don't know, they were always short with me, always gruff and sort of just expected that I would know how to do stuff. We really didn't get along that well.
I was abused at 7, it wasn't fun, but I figure it woke up some latent feelings in me that were likely always there and that sort of forced them to the surface. I hated that guy for a long time, waking those feelings up in me and then leaving me alone, to confront things all throughout my teen years. I really wasn't attracted to sex at all until after nature herself introduced me to maturation about 9 years old but all along I've had both girls and boys want to play, or kiss, or lick, or touch or see things. No ADULT ever groomed me, it was the other kids man .. peers and slightly older.
Nothing quite like telling folks what's going on eh? Maybe I wouldn't have been so confused.
Teen hormones really didn't help .. my mom dated a string of insecure, abusive men -- I would have done anything to not be like them, up to and including wanting to be female .. which worked at the time because as much as I wanted to hate guys for what they did to the women I loved nature was also like .. "Hold my beer" -- and i was completely infatuated with several of my classmates. Once puberty hit it was just easier to live with the factory installed equipment though .. too many hairs sticking out all over the place.
Both straight AND gay folks ASSURED me that bisexual people don't exist -- so I wasted about 20 years trying to decide whether I was one way or the other right? I didn't think it would be fair to get married, have a family -- only to find out I was "gay" later?? Only problem is I found BOTH attractive, in various different ways and times. I loooved sausage, be all about the sawwassage .. and then one day, I would see a piece of fish and be like, "Oh, I bet that would go well with some tartar sauce??!"
So at this point I feel like "sex" has ALWAYS been a part of my life; I used to think I was weird -- but the more I've read the more I realize that many of my experiences were typical, and even mild compared to what other people have been through.
The only way I was able to find any sort of sanity was to give up trying to label myself and be as honest as I can be with folks where it matters. I'm not out at work, because I'm there to work, but most of the family knows, friends that are worth keeping know -- I would rather be who I am than hide anything at this point -- life is just too short to be ashamed anymore.
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