i'm in kind of a weird mood today felt like letting my emotions write a fantasy for me. not necessarily what i want just some thoughts that are turning me on right now. might not feel like this @ all tomorrow. i can't wait to be with a hot guy, slowly get naked for him, have him put his arms around me tell me how attractive i am, how desirable i am, how he wants to make me his, how much he wants to make love to me. then move forward & put his lips on mine. then he slowly strips naked too. i've got so many different intense confusing feelings going on. i'm so nervous i've never done this before. this is so new & i'm still kinda unsure. plus this is still kinda taboo enjoying the touch of another man. in some ways i never thought i would ever get to this point. but i have been thinking about this day & wanting it for a long time & it's high time to have this experiance. the pleasure, the lust i'm feeling for my new same sex lover is overtaking my inhibitions & i can't deny this feels so good, so right & i allow myself to accept sexual pleasure from a man. i realize who i really am. i admit my bisexuality, in fact i'm real happy about it! for years i have let myself & society deny these feelings, somehow fooling me into thinking this is wrong. but i see the truth clear as a bell. this is not wrong. this is who i am. i like guys too & today i declare sexual independence! i feel so free in his arms, like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. now it's time to move forward on this new road that is available to me that has allways really been available to me. i look in his eyes with a determined look. i pause for awhile then say i never thought i would be saying this to another guy but tonite i offer myself to u, mind body & soul. i want u to take me completely. and that is what he does for the rest of the nite. by surrendering myself to him i am able to experiance a new passion, so intense i could never have even imagined it before. i am firmly convinced i have made the right decision. my only regret is i didn't experiance this sooner in life because i really like it! but @ least now i am familiar with a new pleasure in life. i wish every man could have such an experiance. eventually we get tired. the nite ends with little kisses on each other's lips, cheeks, neck. we snuggle up in each other's arms with big smiles on our faces & fall asleep. when i wakeup the next morning i slowly realize there is a man in my bed & we're both naked. the homosexual intimacy from last nite suddenly comes to mind. a wave of shock goes through me when i realize i have gone all the way with a guy including the ultimate act of a man's submission to another man. i am no longer the person i was yesterday when all of this was just in my mind. i have crossed that line into a new identity. i look @ him & say u were wonderfull last nite! he smiles. then i say thank u for making me a man, he says ur welcome. then our lips meet again. after they slide off each other he lets i love u slip out, but his eyes tell me he's being sincere & he doesn't regret admitting it to me. even though i have gone farther than i had ever imagined i was not prepared to hear that. i have been working on allowing myself to enjoy a nite of forbidden pleasure but i never pictured myself going beyond sexual enjoyment & falling for a guy. i'm in a weird position emotionally right now. i can't undo him being in me last nite so there's no going back. i was now fully bisexual by experiance. but going forward doesn't look like a possibility either. i never counted on the fact he could challenge me to take our intimate encounter beyond sex into deep emotional connection. it's a place i never wanted to go near. i start to think about the whole situation. last nite's experiance made me grow as a person. i now have a new awareness. this is helping me make sense of this new development. he brought out new & wonderfull feelings in me last nite. because of that we now have a deep emotional bond. no matter if we get dressed & go to the courthouse right now & get married like we can in this state (yay gay rights!) or we part ways & never see each other again. but the fact of the matter is last nite we were 1 & had a closeness that could not ever be undone. i'm beginning to realize i just gotta keep going forward & against everything i have built myself up as my whole life i see this feels right. i have a moment of serenity & confess i love u too.
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